thrown out the house for overeating

joselo2

OK, just wanted to get this off my chest.
i have been dieting for some time, started off at 29stone (bout 400lbs) then lost 61lbs. the first 40 or so came in the first few months but then it really slowed and i admit I have found it harder of lat and yoyoed up and down abit.

i used to live with my sister when i was a teenager (i am now 21) and I really struggled with my weight back then also, which caused lots of argument. Since I left home I felt our relationship had improved.

However, I visited today and was planning to stay the night, as i quite often do. i ate my meal, which she had cooked, then after helped clean the kitchen and ate some left overs. bout 45minutes later I ate about half a packet of biscuits. OK, maybe not healthy but not like a huge binge. My sister then said it was time for me to go home, and I said I thought I was staying. She basically said I was NOT welcome in her home if I 'overeat', because it causes her too much worry. She started saying how her life is constant worry about me, so much, and she even got annoyed and said i dont care about her feelings (which I do!). Basically, we had a big argument, where hurtful things was said.

I called her later and we agreed we love each other a lot, but she also said still i can only come if not overeating. (her view of overeating seem different to mine). I still feel shocked though. I didn't know I hurt her so much. I feel angry at her but also myself. I don't know... I thought she was ok, after all, I lost weight.

I don't know what to do.

clairegogogo

sorry to hear you went through that, and also congrats on your weight loss. Keep it up!

about your sister, I think she's trying to use her way to motivate you. it's better than those family who doesn't care about your health, and stuff junk food in your face, right? Maybe there is a better way for her to deliver her worries, but meanwhile, just take it as a motivation and support to your weight loss, and keep going on the right track!

Francl27

She's probably worried about your health, and that you'll gain all the weight back or something, and it stresses her out.

What you ate doesn't necessarily seem excessive though, considering the calories you must burn every day (I have no idea what you had for dinner or the kind of biscuits you had), but yeah, it seems a lot compared to what a normal weight person eats, so it probably makes her freak out... but in the end it's because she cares about you and is worried about you.

jetscreaminagain

People get to set their own boundaries. I wouldn't allow my sister to be in my home if she was engaging in addictive behavior that has in the past caused her problems and caused worry for the people who love her.

Not sure if this is your sister's reason, but it seems analogous. And you may not think how much you ate was a big deal. But for whatever reason it sounds like she did and she didn't want to be party to it.

It may be that she doesn't fathom how far down the road to healthy you are. It usually takes a longish period of sustained behavior change before the people who had to ride our drama roller coasters notice it is different. That's just how it wlorks. Good for you for changing things. Keep it up. You get to set your own boundaries and making the right choices for you whether or not someone else gives you credit is a great place to start.

DarksMama

I don't see much excess in what you were eating, but even if you'd eaten 3 packets of biscuits, it's hardly her place to be so rude and hurtful about it.

She needs to understand that a simple mention might've been less dramatic and hurtful. Had she said something like "Those biscuits are lovely, but a bit rich" might've been hint enough to express her worry about your eating.

At the same time, I understand her worry for you. But being hurtful is not the way to go, from either end. You are an adult and it's not her place to decide what you are/are not allowed to eat. Might be time to avoid the sleepovers until she realizes that. It's counterproductive to have someone "monitoring" your diet who has a skewed view of what's too much. Set your eating limits, and stick to them, but don't let someone else tell you that you're still eating too much. You need a certain number of cals to be successful, whether they like/realize that.

calibriintx

I'm not sure what a half a packet of biscuits means. Like Pillsbury? Or are biscuits like cookies? Not knowing that makes it hard to form an opinion on whether or not you overate (in terms of politeness or enough to cause her stress).

I don't think it's fair to be mad at your sister. I get being mad at the situation but not at her. Maybe she has bad anxiety and your overeating is a trigger for her. Maybe she's strapped for cash and feels like you raid her food. Maybe she's worried about your health and feels like every time she sees you "overeat" it tells her that you're not doing anything about it (even if you are). Whatever her reasons, they're hers, and it's her home. My BIL is an alcoholic. I like to drink wine with holiday dinners, but if he's hosting, I don't drink wine, b/c he doesn't want wine or drinking in his home. My husband's (now deceased) grandmother thought that drinking alcohol was a sin, so I didn't bring wine to her home. In my home, I do what I want and if they don't like it, they don't have to be here.

Maybe try talking to your sister once the dust has settled. You don't want to be stressed every time you visit her, and she shouldn't be either. You're an adult and don't need to answer to her about what you eat, but at the same time, it's impolite to overindulge in someone else's home. Obviously there are exceptions and differently families have a different dynamic. You two need to find yours. Good luck.

joselo2

Yeah. I know it was a place of caring. at first i thought it was blunt, rude and also unreasoanble. but i guess i can see i caused her hurt which either way is not good. i suppose part of me thought i didnt eat that much (the biscuits were like, cookies), and part of me also thought, she knows me, knows my eating habits and if she invites me here she has to know my eating habits arent exactly left at the door. but also i understand her house, her rules. i guess it is hard to think that i am hurting my sister so bad. i feel awful about that. I don't see how a few biscuits bothers her so much but so it is. I need to havea think bout how we can both meet again and how to cope.

jetscreaminagain

Yeah. I know it was a place of caring. at first i thought it was blunt, rude and also unreasoanble. but i guess i can see i caused her hurt which either way is not good. i suppose part of me thought i didnt eat that much (the biscuits were like, cookies), and part of me also thought, she knows me, knows my eating habits and if she invites me here she has to know my eating habits arent exactly left at the door. but also i understand her house, her rules. i guess it is hard to think that i am hurting my sister so bad. i feel awful about that. I don't see how a few biscuits bothers her so much but so it is. I need to havea think bout how we can both meet again and how to cope.

Oh my God thank you soooo much for responding so maturely. That doesn't always happen, OP, Yay you.

Good luck.

seonf

I remember getting in so many arguments with my parents when I weighed 135 kg (85 kg now) they were worried about me but everytime they brought up my weight and how worried they were, I thought they were having a go at me and picking on me. Your sister is just concerned and loves you. You'll get there with her and everyone elses support.

jenifr818

Yeah. I know it was a place of caring. at first i thought it was blunt, rude and also unreasoanble. but i guess i can see i caused her hurt which either way is not good. i suppose part of me thought i didnt eat that much (the biscuits were like, cookies), and part of me also thought, she knows me, knows my eating habits and if she invites me here she has to know my eating habits arent exactly left at the door. but also i understand her house, her rules. i guess it is hard to think that i am hurting my sister so bad. i feel awful about that. I don't see how a few biscuits bothers her so much but so it is. I need to havea think bout how we can both meet again and how to cope.

Oh my God thank you soooo much for responding so maturely. That doesn't always happen, OP, Yay you.

Good luck.

I know, right? Maturity and keeping a level head is so overrated on these forums, this is a breath of fresh air.

OP: Sleep on it a night, and I can guarantee both you and your sister will be in a better place to talk this out. She's probably terrified of your weight causing you major health issues, and she just doesn't really know how to say it. That's what I took from this, at least. Good luck, and keep fighting the good fight to kick obesity's butt and get healthier! :flowerforyou:

JDHINAZ

Have you explained to your sister that you are using MFP, and how you track your calories and exercise so you, then she, know you are staying on track? ARE you tracking, as well as measuring or weighing your food? I'm asking because of you are, you can show your sister you are aware off what you eat because you log it. On the other hand, if you are just estimating what you eat, maybe you aren't fully aware of how much the little bits and bites can add up, and your sister may have cause to be concerned. I'm not justifying her actions, but sometimes these incidents can help open our eyes to ways we can improve.

Congrats on your weight loss. You've come a long way! I'm excited to see your continued progress!

MisterDerpington

She sounds like my mom. One of those people who make your problems about them. "I'm just so sick from worrying about you."

GingerPwr

Your sister could probably have handled the situation differently - like not sent you home tonight but said that if you continue to overeat you can't stay in the future.

So you had dinner, then had some leftovers, then had cookies (since you originally measured your weight in stone I assume you're also using biscuit for cookie?) I admit I don't know what your total caloric intake was but that does seem like a lot to eat in a short amount of time. I suppose your sister watched this and ached for you. Granted, she may not know everything about your weight loss journey, but it sounds like she's trying to show you some tough love to motivate you.

joselo2

Yeah she reckons I need to get back on the wagon a bit more... she isprobably right there.

Ha ha, I have never been called mature before, usually people think i am a drama queen, and it is true lol! But am a good guy too, I was hurt but also my sister was, and I don't want my sister hurt so I need to reflect on what happened,and actually what I did and thats why I posted here.

Thanks mfp people because half the time posting here it is not mature also... whole load of people want to tell you how you are wrong and awful and I was half expecting everyone to come and tell me how awful I am. thanks for the calm and helpful response!

alisonlynn1976

She is trying to set a boundary so that she can keep you in her life without enabling your binge eating, but she is struggling with how to do it. What you need to do is have a conversation where she explicitly names behaviors that she is not comfortable having you do in her presence, and then when you hear her boundary, decide whether her company is worth it to you to respect her boundary. If so, respect it. If not, don't spend time with her.

Half a pack of cookies (that's American for biscuits, right?) shortly after dinner is not normal unless you're talking about a single- or double-serving sized pack. It might not be a binge, but it's more than most people would eat.

joselo2

part of me though feel like how come she never there any more asking me about or helping me, like she don't care that i am suffering with it alone she only cares when its in her house affecting her. so why am i the only selfish 1? am probably being unreasonable, just something i felt.

i guess thats the size of it allison lyne. you are right. yeah i mean biscuits in the english sense, i am english also. in fact it was chocolate hobnobs

withabandon

I'm sorry that someone who is supposed to care about you chose to "care" about you with this behaviour. Definitely not a caring behaviour.

alisonlynn1976

part of me though feel like how come she never there any more asking me about or helping me, like she don't care that i am suffering with it alone she only cares when its in her house affecting her. so why am i the only selfish 1? am probably being unreasonable, just something i felt.

i guess thats the size of it allison lyne. you are right. yeah i mean biscuits in the english sense, i am english also. in fact it was chocolate hobnobs

Does she know that you feel like you're suffering alone? Are there specific things that you can ask her to do to support you? This can probably be solved with more communication.

mspoopoo

I think when things calm down some you can talk to her more and tell her how you feel and that you'd like her support. It probably upset her as she is worried about your health and afraid you won't continue.

Was all that you ate while at her house on your MFP plan for the day?

In all honesty, eating dinner and then eating the leftovers and a half packet of biscuits is a binge.

Eating dinner and then 1 or 2 biscuits for dessert would be appropriate.

Do you have anyone to help you with this like a doctor or nutritionist?

joselo2

i think we both need to acknowlege things- me that it hurts her, and her that it hurts me.

i suppose i never considered what i ate to be particularly ecessive (I can eat SO much more than that), hence i was so shocked at her reaction i guess