Rambling thoughts on identity
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Danp
Posts: 1,561 Member
I’m not usually one to start threads but I had a bit of an epiphany today that I felt like sharing. This will be a bit of a lengthy post so I’ll add a TL;DR at the bottom for any fellow ADHD’ers, the time poor or the attention challenged 
So...
13 years ago I quit smoking. It was on a Thursday, 10th August 2006. It happened at 12:50pm
I had finished eating lunch and had my usual post meal cigarette. I went to have one more before heading back upstairs to the office to get back to work and noticed that the pack was empty. I got up and started walking towards the store to buy another pack when something came over me. Instead, I turned a corner, went into a pharmacy (chemist) and instead of buying cigarettes I bought a pack of nicotine lozenges. I haven’t had so much as a puff on a smoke since then.
This was puzzling as I’d tried so many times to quit in the past without success. What was different this time? How was it that this time I “just stopped”?
The answer, I came to realise was that in that moment. That split second where I turned away from the store and went into the chemist, I had made a fundamental change to my core identity.
See previously when attempting to quit smoking I had been “A smoker who was quitting”. I still identified as a smoker albeit one that was ‘quitting’. The problem was that because, in my head, I was still a smoker I had to constantly fight not to smoke. I had to rely on ‘will power’ in order to go against who I was but eventually, a smoker’s gonna smoke. It's pretty easy for a smoker to quit quitting.
This time was different though. For whatever reason, in that pivotal moment, in my head I had become a non-smoker and everything changed. I wasn’t ‘a smoker who was trying quitting’, I had, to my very core, become a non-smoker no different to any of the other non-smokers. All of a sudden, the idea of having another cigarette ceased to even be an option. Non-smokers don’t smoke so why would I! Not smoking became my new ‘normal’.
I have come to realise that a similar fundamental identity shift happened 18 months go when I decided to manage my weight.
I like many many others here have spent years (decades) trying to lose weight unsuccessfully. Just like all those attempts to quit smoking there were numerous attempts to lose weight which eventually petered out after a month or two. But this time has been different and interestingly this change too, happened in the blink of an eye. Another pivotal moment in time.
That difference, like with the smoking, was a shift in my identity.
Just like when I was a ‘smoker who was quitting’, for all my past weight loss attempts I was an “over-eater who was trying to eat better”. And just like how not smoking is a struggle for a smoker, eating better is a constant battle for an “over-eater”.
On Sunday, January 7th 2018, at 11:45pm as I was getting ready for bed I decided that starting the next day I’d once again start to “try and eat better” and when I got up the next morning, that’s what I did. I “got back on the wagon” as they say. I reinstalled MFP (once again) and I steeled myself (once again) for another valiant attempt to battle stop over-eating.
As the weeks past I kept waiting for things to ‘get difficult’ as they had in the past, but they didn’t. I kept waiting for the wheels to come off, but they didn’t. I kept waiting for that all too familiar ‘loss of motivation’ to kick in and for me to go back to my "normal" over-eating but I didn’t. hmm… interesting.
Weeks turned into months and the expected trials and tribulations that were a hallmark of my past attempts never materialised. I at times I started to feel oddly guilty. I'm an over-eater so eating better was supposed to be difficult, it’s supposed to be a struggle. Why wasn’t I having to battle against over-eating?!?!
I’ve come to realise that I woke up on January 8th 2018 a different person than the one who went to bed the night before. I’ve come to realise, that just like that identity shift to being a non-smoker I had, to my very being, woken up as a “normal-eater” (for lack of a better term). This shift in identity I believe is why I’ve been able to manage my eating and by extension begin to address my weight issues without the difficulties that have plagued my previous attempts.
This is also why I haven’t once felt like I have been ‘on a diet’ or ‘trying to lose weight’ this time round. I woke up that morning as a ‘normal-eater’ and began to eat normally like a normal eater does. I wasn't doing anything special, I wasn't trying anything. I was just doing what came natural to the new 'normal eating' me and doing what comes natural is just.... normal. The weight loss that has occurred hasn’t been due to something I’m doing rather it’s been a natural side-effect of my ‘new normal’. In a way I reached my 'goal' instantly, now I'm just waiting for the physiology to catch up
This is not to say that stopping smoking and changing my eating habits have been effortless by any stretch of the imagination. I had to use the tools at hand to learn how to be the new person I had become, be that nicotine replacement or food logging. And it's also not to say that automagically all urges and temptations disappeared. To this very day I’ll occasionally get cravings for a smoke, and of course there’s always the temptation to indulge irresponsibly with food. The difference is that the shift in identity changes the frame of reference when it comes to these urges. It’s difficult to put in words but it’s almost as if the urges become ‘less real’, they become abstract concepts and easily dismissed. They’re just don’t ‘gel’ with the person you now are so stop being something about yourself that you're trying to deny and become something that you can just dismiss as 'not applicable'. So it becomes a case of, I’m a not a smoker so even if I feel like one it’s not who I am so having a smoke isn’t an option and can be dismissed or, I’m a not an over-eater so even if I feel like over-eating it’s not who I am so it’s not even something worth considering.
If you’ve read this far then thanks for taking the time. I just hope this makes as much sense here as it does in my head.
Note: by ‘over-eating’ I mean constant, frequent and egregious over-eating and being in a perpetual calorie surplus, not the occasional indulgence, big meal or holiday pig-out.
TL;DR
It took a fundamental shift in my identity to one of being “a non-smoker” to successfully quit smoking and I realised that I made a similar identity shift from ‘over-eater’ to ‘normal-eater’ this time round with regards to my weight management. Non-smokers don’t struggle to not smoke and ‘normal-eaters’ don’t struggle to not over-eat.
So...
13 years ago I quit smoking. It was on a Thursday, 10th August 2006. It happened at 12:50pm
I had finished eating lunch and had my usual post meal cigarette. I went to have one more before heading back upstairs to the office to get back to work and noticed that the pack was empty. I got up and started walking towards the store to buy another pack when something came over me. Instead, I turned a corner, went into a pharmacy (chemist) and instead of buying cigarettes I bought a pack of nicotine lozenges. I haven’t had so much as a puff on a smoke since then.
This was puzzling as I’d tried so many times to quit in the past without success. What was different this time? How was it that this time I “just stopped”?
The answer, I came to realise was that in that moment. That split second where I turned away from the store and went into the chemist, I had made a fundamental change to my core identity.
See previously when attempting to quit smoking I had been “A smoker who was quitting”. I still identified as a smoker albeit one that was ‘quitting’. The problem was that because, in my head, I was still a smoker I had to constantly fight not to smoke. I had to rely on ‘will power’ in order to go against who I was but eventually, a smoker’s gonna smoke. It's pretty easy for a smoker to quit quitting.
This time was different though. For whatever reason, in that pivotal moment, in my head I had become a non-smoker and everything changed. I wasn’t ‘a smoker who was trying quitting’, I had, to my very core, become a non-smoker no different to any of the other non-smokers. All of a sudden, the idea of having another cigarette ceased to even be an option. Non-smokers don’t smoke so why would I! Not smoking became my new ‘normal’.
I have come to realise that a similar fundamental identity shift happened 18 months go when I decided to manage my weight.
I like many many others here have spent years (decades) trying to lose weight unsuccessfully. Just like all those attempts to quit smoking there were numerous attempts to lose weight which eventually petered out after a month or two. But this time has been different and interestingly this change too, happened in the blink of an eye. Another pivotal moment in time.
That difference, like with the smoking, was a shift in my identity.
Just like when I was a ‘smoker who was quitting’, for all my past weight loss attempts I was an “over-eater who was trying to eat better”. And just like how not smoking is a struggle for a smoker, eating better is a constant battle for an “over-eater”.
On Sunday, January 7th 2018, at 11:45pm as I was getting ready for bed I decided that starting the next day I’d once again start to “try and eat better” and when I got up the next morning, that’s what I did. I “got back on the wagon” as they say. I reinstalled MFP (once again) and I steeled myself (once again) for another valiant attempt to battle stop over-eating.
As the weeks past I kept waiting for things to ‘get difficult’ as they had in the past, but they didn’t. I kept waiting for the wheels to come off, but they didn’t. I kept waiting for that all too familiar ‘loss of motivation’ to kick in and for me to go back to my "normal" over-eating but I didn’t. hmm… interesting.
Weeks turned into months and the expected trials and tribulations that were a hallmark of my past attempts never materialised. I at times I started to feel oddly guilty. I'm an over-eater so eating better was supposed to be difficult, it’s supposed to be a struggle. Why wasn’t I having to battle against over-eating?!?!
I’ve come to realise that I woke up on January 8th 2018 a different person than the one who went to bed the night before. I’ve come to realise, that just like that identity shift to being a non-smoker I had, to my very being, woken up as a “normal-eater” (for lack of a better term). This shift in identity I believe is why I’ve been able to manage my eating and by extension begin to address my weight issues without the difficulties that have plagued my previous attempts.
This is also why I haven’t once felt like I have been ‘on a diet’ or ‘trying to lose weight’ this time round. I woke up that morning as a ‘normal-eater’ and began to eat normally like a normal eater does. I wasn't doing anything special, I wasn't trying anything. I was just doing what came natural to the new 'normal eating' me and doing what comes natural is just.... normal. The weight loss that has occurred hasn’t been due to something I’m doing rather it’s been a natural side-effect of my ‘new normal’. In a way I reached my 'goal' instantly, now I'm just waiting for the physiology to catch up
This is not to say that stopping smoking and changing my eating habits have been effortless by any stretch of the imagination. I had to use the tools at hand to learn how to be the new person I had become, be that nicotine replacement or food logging. And it's also not to say that automagically all urges and temptations disappeared. To this very day I’ll occasionally get cravings for a smoke, and of course there’s always the temptation to indulge irresponsibly with food. The difference is that the shift in identity changes the frame of reference when it comes to these urges. It’s difficult to put in words but it’s almost as if the urges become ‘less real’, they become abstract concepts and easily dismissed. They’re just don’t ‘gel’ with the person you now are so stop being something about yourself that you're trying to deny and become something that you can just dismiss as 'not applicable'. So it becomes a case of, I’m a not a smoker so even if I feel like one it’s not who I am so having a smoke isn’t an option and can be dismissed or, I’m a not an over-eater so even if I feel like over-eating it’s not who I am so it’s not even something worth considering.
If you’ve read this far then thanks for taking the time
. I just hope this makes as much sense here as it does in my head.Note: by ‘over-eating’ I mean constant, frequent and egregious over-eating and being in a perpetual calorie surplus, not the occasional indulgence, big meal or holiday pig-out.
TL;DR
It took a fundamental shift in my identity to one of being “a non-smoker” to successfully quit smoking and I realised that I made a similar identity shift from ‘over-eater’ to ‘normal-eater’ this time round with regards to my weight management. Non-smokers don’t struggle to not smoke and ‘normal-eaters’ don’t struggle to not over-eat.
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Replies
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what a great post. thank you.1
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I did read it all but your summing up is really quite insightful. Thank you.
I've never smoked and have never considered doing so. After reading this, hopefully I can re-train my mind and apply the same logic to food, particularly the cakes, biscuits, sweets and other treats that seem to permanently be on offer in our office.0 -
I had a similar thing.
Gave up smoking near 4 years ago, having smoked for about 22.
Obviously I had tried to quit numerous times, and obviously failed. They held a no smoking clinic at work which I signed up to, and havent touched a cigarette since.
What was different? I dont know if "fundamental change to my core identity" was how it was, rather to me it simply seemed that I was ready to do it. Though as I think about it it was a very similar thing, something switched inside and my behaviour was different.
Weight loss was similar. I got over weight through apathy and ignorance, a little depression as well I suspect. I knew for a long time I needed to lose weight but did nothing about it really, a few half hearted attempts.
I started a new job and the team asked if I wanted to join "FatClub", a contest they do post Christmas every year to lose the pounds picked up over indulging. 6 weeks, whoever loses the most bodyweight as a % of their starting weight wins.
Much like quitting smoking, this came at a time when I was just ready for it, something was different in my head and so I just got on and did it.
I won FatClub, easily.
Sounds big headed, but not intended that way at all. I was just ready to lose weight. I discovered MFP (never tried anything like it before), and was learning new things about food all the time (what fills me up, what is secretly really calorific etc) and just got on with it. I had the mind set.
I didnt stop after FatClub and carried on losing weight for around a year, losing 2.5 stone (35lbs). I just got in the groove with it, and as part of that mindset naturally fell into being more active, going to the gym etc.
As I think about it now, I am a very different person to who I was back then. So maybe you are right...4 -
If you’ve read this far then thanks for taking the time. I just hope this makes as much sense here as it does in my head.
It makes perfect sense, and I find your whole post very insightful. I was overweight/obese for most of my adult life, and I too feel like I had a "moment" where things changed inside me, when it comes to my weight. Some months later, the changes can be seen outside too.
Thank you for sharing this!
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Excellent, thoughtful post.
So many times I have said to myself that I am starting a new "diet" as opposed to "this who I am now."
I remember when my youngest was seven and I looked at her and thought, "Well I really can't blame all this excess weight on you any more." I also remembered feeling my knees hurt when I walked upstairs, how I was about to move up to a size 18, and also thought, "This isn't me." I used to be an athlete. Once I reminded myself I was an athlete, it wasn't so hard to motivate myself to exercise and eat healthier. The weight lose gradually followed.
The mind shift is really important.4 -
Same thing here. Got the usual weight loss handout fro my doctor, along with a thyroid prescription. Read the yard long warning handout that came with it, and that was my moment.
My dad was an alcoholic and he stopped cold turkey.
It does happen. Wish we could find the brain trigger and share.5 -
What a lovely post. It really resonates with me.
I'd like to add also, that it's the realisation that just because you've always been a certain way or done certain things you CAN change the actual person that you are and thus things that used to fill you with dread (not being able to have a *kitten*, or going for a 5 mile run) actually become the very way you want things to be, and not the constant feeling of sacrifice or effort that you fear they will be.2 -
Why did it change f.a.g to kitten lol?0
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I love this post!
I "suddenly decided" on March 11th to get my weight under control. I've been somewhat of a yo-yo dieter for the last 5-6 years. Before that, I was in a healthy weight range and didn't mind my calories.
After I gained weight, I tried to normalize it as the new me and tried to be happy about it for several years. I did make a few half-hearted attempts to lose some; and I did lose/regain several pounds several times. My weight crept ever higher.
On March 11, I decided to fix it. I don't know why, but I went at it with a determination that I previously lacked. At the time I said I was doing it strictly for health and I didn't care what I looked like. 40lbs later; I'm also doing it for my looks. I want to feel good and I want to look good.
I'm almost half way to goal. I feel hopeful that I will make goal. I feel a little trepidation about maintenance, but I'll tackle that when I get there.
I have to thank MFP and it's members in part for my success. So, thank you.4 -
Excellent post! I really relate to this. I've been here at MFP for almost 7 years now and I've never even considered quitting. Why? Because I didn't identify as an overweight person trying to lose a few pounds. I identified as a fit person who had gained too much weight and it had to go. That mindset made all the difference.
I also quit smoking 10 years ago. I saw the statistics that said 30% of people who quit would still be quit a year later and I said to myself "congratulations. You will be part of that 30%."0 -
Yeah I did the same with smoking, although I still weaned myself as opposed to quitting cold turkey. I smoked for over 20 years and had quit numerous times just to start over again. I woke up Christmas morning in 2012, looked at everyone while opening presents, and declared that I quit smoking lol. They probably thought I was crazy. But in that moment it was my gift to myself.
And before this year, I had been trying to lose weight for years. I signed up with MFP in 2014 (different user name) and tried logging foods. After years of attempts, a few named diets, and regaining every time, this year was just different. I had been hiking about 3x per week, even in terrible winter weather in the mountains. I was also running again but my diet was *kitten*. I woke up one day in early January and said this is it. I'm done being obese. So I started weighing and logging again. I also sat down and made all these spreadsheets because I wanted to record all kinds of data. I learned so much about my own weight loss it became like a hobby. The one thing that I knew more than everything else was that if I overate one day I had to get up the next and be back on plan. And I have done that.
Today I am down 53 pounds from my heaviest weight. I am 7 pounds from a healthy weight, I don't smoke, and I'm pretty active. I hope the next thing I really make my mind up about is a triathlon or ironman or ultra. I'm pretty sure I can do most things if I just really choose to.4
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