Trying to help my baby brother but don't know what to do

FourIsCompany

I would log his food for a week without him knowing. Don't worry so much about calories as fat, sodium, sugar and lack of fiber compared to what a child should have. Read up on childhood obesity and the dangers of it. He could be heading for pre-diabetes. Compile all this information and CALMLY and lovingly present it to his mother.

In the meantime, cook dinner once or twice a week (turkey meatloaf STUFFED with veggies ground up in the processor), exercise with him, work with his mother to get him involved in a team sport or karate lessons or whatever he's interested in. Go to amazon and download the season of The Biggest Loser with kids and ask him to watch it with you.

Don't shame him or show disapproval of what he's eating. Educate him tiny bits at a time. Good luck!

thunderstruck134

Hey guys, sorry for the late reply I wanted to answer the rest of your posts right after coming back from biking, but I hurt myself really bad - I went for a bike in the forest along with my dad, oversaw one root and fell from my bike, with my bike falling on top of me. Now my legs are black and blue all over and while I feel better now, I was unable to sit down yesterday, so I just chose to lie down and rest.

Anyways, I hope I can do this whole quote thing right, because that is a lot of posts in those few hours I was gone.

Most certainly don't apologize to anyone, that wasn't my intent... I could care less about an apology, because she has absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Unfortunately, it is a forum. Full of people that have their own opinions, and advice. I gave what I thought, just like others are giving what they think. Period.

The having to apologize thing is a habit of mine since I suffer from foot-in-mouth disease sometimes.
No seriously, since this is the internet and I can't read people's facial expressions (and vice versa) I'd rather apologize before-hand to avoid misunderstandings. I've also been told many times that I have a harsh way of speaking, which I always perceive as just being blunt, so I'm checking myself alot.
And I know that you guys just want to give me your opinions, which is what I came here for, after all and I appreciate everyone's concern and responses but I feel like I have to explain myself a lot because the situation is a bit complicated, which I guess can come across as defensive.

And I would still be angry/upset if my oldest tried to tell me how to raise my youngest. Maybe too I'm not feeding my kids crap... maybe that's why I feel this way. If I actually was feeding my kids crap, I wouldn't need to be told by my oldest, because my kids' doctors would catch it if the BMI for them was overweight or obese... see what I'm saying? Telling a parent how to raise their children when you yourself are one of her children... well.... wait til you have a few children and then come back to me with that same question. I guess you have to be a mother to understand what I'm talking about.

But, see, that's the difference between you and my mother... she thinks her carby and fatty meals are healthy or at least okay, since the boy is still growing. I should also add that most of her meals are home-cooked, so she automatically thinks her food is healthy while it's actually just loads of rice and pasta with sauce and a side of iceberg lettuce which is not what I would call a balanced meal.

And I absolutely understand what you mean with having my own kids first. :laugh:
It's just that, because the age difference between my brother and me is so big (14 years), I already kind of feel more like a parent than a sister, if that makes sense. Maybe some users with equally young siblings could explain this better than me. I think that's why I might be a bit more invested in his health and welfare than others.

Now.. NO hard feelings what so ever, and by all means don't be upset. You posted this thread, and we are just posting OUR opinions. That's all... opinions that you asked for. You really don't have to agree with them, just take it with a grain of salt. And Clean... you sound so... um.... mad. Relax. lol... Wow.

Oh damn, sorry if I came across as some kind of She-Hulk. :laugh:
This whole thing just brought up lots of internal baggage and I just love kids and get really angry when someone does harm to them, be it intentionally or unintentionally. No worries, I'm totally relaxed again. *lol*

If you're mother was willing to do this to the point it caused serious problems in her marriage I don't think she's going to change it. Husbands can come and go, but children are stuck with you as a mother.

Funnily enough, that's what she thinks too and the reason for her casually overriding every decision his father tried to make. He said he always felt like a bad guy. :grumble:
I mean, he really isn't what I'd call a good father, but it was unnecessary for her to reinforce that in her child's mind. I guess being divorced three times makes you bitter about the menfolk. :frown:

I would also stop telling him what he can and can't do. Its counterproductive if you don't have any actual authority over him, which you don't.

Oh boy, this one will be difficult. :laugh:
I guess I tell him not to do certain things because nobody else does. To make matters worse, with a mother that always says yes and a sister that sometimes says no, guess who is seen as the bad guy in the kid's mind? It's really kind of sad.

Have you ever just sat your mother down and told her how you felt about growing up?

I did, but she thinks I was just being difficult. I guess being severely suicidal for two years is just an inconvenience I made up in my mind to spite her. She thinks I hate her (which I do) because she is stupid (which is true) but for other reasons than she might think. I also can't just be sad one day or not want any social contact from her for a while, because then she says tthings like "There's always something new wrong wih you, isn't there?" (just a week ago)
I do not feel like I can hold a proper conversation with her about those things, since she is rather ignorant about mental health issues. I mean, she was really offended and upset when I wanted to go to a therapist instead of just talking to her about my problems. She is one of those mums that thinks her children have to share everything with her. :huh:

This has already gotten very long, I think I will split it up in a double post.

Cheechos

Here are my 2 cents.

I will agree with the 'lead by example'.

DO NOT make direct comments about his eating habits - it could make him a closet binge eater.
DO NOT make direct comments about his weight - an 8 year old does NOT need to hear that negativity from his family.
DO NOT count calories for an 8 year old. They are VASTLY different from an adult and need so much more in terms of nutrients, etc., because of their physical and mental growth and activity.
DO offer to take him to the park for bike rides and walks, or treasure hunts!
DO offer to cook dinner once or twice a week, which will include health foods.
DO offer low calorie snacks for movie time - grapes, cherries, carrots and hummus, fruit salad and a little whipped cream

MOST IMPORTANTLY, regardless of what you or your mother think, what does his doctor say?!

I can tell you from first hand experience, my son grows in spurts; he will start 'bulking up' and then grow. He will go in waves where he will eat ANYTHING he can get his hands on, and then not be hungry at all. He has always been above average in size, proportionally in height and weight. He goes for yearly physicals and blood work, and his pediatrician is absolutely satisfied that a few extra pounds are not a concern whatsoever.

I trust my pediatrician implicitly, but I too lead by example. That's why I'm here!!! happy

A million times this, though I would even take a doctor's word with a grain of salt. When I was young, I had a ton of family members and doctors "worry" about my weight out loud in front of me. My family forced me into diets, made me ashamed of my body, and ultimately led me to an unhealthy relationship with food that I'm still trying to get over TODAY, all because they thought I was getting too fat as a child. You know what I was when I was a kid? I was strong. I was fast. I ate extra pieces of cheese, but I could still climb trees and swim and romp around with my friends in the mud. I was happy until everyone started harping about my weight and trying to save me from what they thought was a threat.

Play with your brother if you want him to get more exercise. Eat good food with him if you want him to eat healthier. Don't talk about his weight or eating choices in front of him. Most importantly, watch him grow up and don't spend all of that time worrying about something that will more likely than not work itself out. And for corn's sake don't friggen count his calories for him. Jeez, I can't believe anyone even suggested that.

thunderstruck134

My advice would be to bring your brother to a doctor. I am assuming you are in Eastern Europe somewhere (based upon your Danube comment) so I am guessing you are able to get him an appointment within your healthcare system. Before the appointment, do a food journal for maybe a week of everything he eats and bring it along with you. See if you can get some advice from the doctor...Can they write out instructions for your mother?

Your mother is not going to listen to you but she *might* listen to a doctor.

I wish you the best of luck. I would absolutely encourage you to intervene in any way possible in the same way I would encourage someone to intervene if anyone was endangering a child's health or emotional wellbeing.

She already went to see a doctor with him, just yesterday, which is when I felt I had to make this entry. It was the doctor who told her that my brother was going to be overweight soon. Now, I don't think she told the doctor what the kid normally ate, which is why the doctor probably just said "more excercise" without taking diet into consideration.

I'm a parent (and grandparent) and yes, I would give your points some thought. I wouldn't come out of the gate reacting pissed off, offended, and unwilling to listen.

Can you please be my mum from now on? Because that's exactly how she reacted.

I can tell you from first hand experience, my son grows in spurts; he will start 'bulking up' and then grow. He will go in waves where he will eat ANYTHING he can get his hands on, and then not be hungry at all. He has always been above average in size, proportionally in height and weight. He goes for yearly physicals and blood work, and his pediatrician is absolutely satisfied that a few extra pounds are not a concern whatsoever.

I really really hope that is the case with him, but I'm not too optimistic in the long term. His mother and father are both rather short, so I suspect once his growth spurts have stopped, he will put on the pounds like there's no tomorrow.
Fortunately I was able to convince him to go on a bike ride with me and my dad (not his dad) next week so that's a step in the right direction. I also planned on doing some yoga with him today (kid loves it when he gets to mimic the warrrior pose *lol*) but because of my little accident that won't be possible. :ohwell:

Also, I conviced my family to have salmon and veegetables for dinner yesterday *yay* but let's see if they can sustain it in the long term. My mother always eats healthily for 1-2 weeks and then reverts back to old habits, but I hope this will change forr good now, it would certainly save me frfom having to listen to her complain about her belly flab. :laugh:

In the meantime, cook dinner once or twice a week (turkey meatloaf STUFFED with veggies ground up in the processor), exercise with him, work with his mother to get him involved in a team sport or karate lessons or whatever he's interested in. Go to amazon and download the season of The Biggest Loser with kids and ask him to watch it with you.

I already try to do that as much as possible (love cooking). Now, I've never had turkey, but the recipe sounds delicious, mind sending me a pm?
He already takes karate lessons, or rather took them. I think he got bored and wanted to quit. He loves playingg video games and is absolutely fixated on my mother's phone games, which he would play all day long if we let him.

Now, I get liking video games, I do too, but just sitting there all day isn't healthy, so I thought about buying a Wii U or whatever it's called when I start to work in October and get my (first ever) pay check. It's something we both enjoy and he would get to move a bit too, so I think this would be a good idea, but I could be wrong.

thunderstruck134

Here are my 2 cents.

I will agree with the 'lead by example'.

DO NOT make direct comments about his eating habits - it could make him a closet binge eater.
DO NOT make direct comments about his weight - an 8 year old does NOT need to hear that negativity from his family.
DO NOT count calories for an 8 year old. They are VASTLY different from an adult and need so much more in terms of nutrients, etc., because of their physical and mental growth and activity.
DO offer to take him to the park for bike rides and walks, or treasure hunts!
DO offer to cook dinner once or twice a week, which will include health foods.
DO offer low calorie snacks for movie time - grapes, cherries, carrots and hummus, fruit salad and a little whipped cream

MOST IMPORTANTLY, regardless of what you or your mother think, what does his doctor say?!

I can tell you from first hand experience, my son grows in spurts; he will start 'bulking up' and then grow. He will go in waves where he will eat ANYTHING he can get his hands on, and then not be hungry at all. He has always been above average in size, proportionally in height and weight. He goes for yearly physicals and blood work, and his pediatrician is absolutely satisfied that a few extra pounds are not a concern whatsoever.

I trust my pediatrician implicitly, but I too lead by example. That's why I'm here!!! happy

A million times this, though I would even take a doctor's word with a grain of salt. When I was young, I had a ton of family members and doctors "worry" about my weight out loud in front of me. My family forced me into diets, made me ashamed of my body, and ultimately led me to an unhealthy relationship with food that I'm still trying to get over TODAY, all because they thought I was getting too fat as a child. You know what I was when I was a kid? I was strong. I was fast. I ate extra pieces of cheese, but I could still climb trees and swim and romp around with my friends in the mud. I was happy until everyone started harping about my weight and trying to save me from what they thought was a threat.

Play with your brother if you want him to get more exercise. Eat good food with him if you want him to eat healthier. Don't talk about his weight or eating choices in front of him. Most importantly, watch him grow up and don't spend all of that time worrying about something that will more likely than not work itself out. And for corn's sake don't friggen count his calories for him. Jeez, I can't believe anyone even suggested that.

I can see how that would be problematic and just so nobody thinks otherwise, I do not mention his weight in front of him, my mum does, and whenever I catch her do it I tell her afterwards discreetly that she should please not do it for the exact same reasons you listed.

The thing is, he doesn't run if he can avoid it, he doesn't want to go to the park to play with the other kids, he barely wants to do anything other than play video games and eat chips. Heck, just yesterday I caught him peeing on the balcony so he wouldn't have to walk to the toilet.

I get you, I was strong too: played a bunch of different sports, ate a lot, that sort of thing, but he is definitely not an active child, unfortunately, which makes it harder to motivate him to do something with me.

moontyrant

With stubborn parents, there's not much you can do. If you wash your hands of the whole situation, you get to watch the eating problems, the diabetes, the high blood pressure, frustration and depression slowly tear your family apart. If you try to change anything you're going to get alot of backlash from kid and parents, and THEN watch all of the above happen. I've seen it with my family, immediate and extended, and there's not much you can do except pick up the pieces in about ten years when the kid develops a fully functional idea of self and responsibility.
My own brother, three years my junior, struggles with obesity and depression. He's in high school, but I've been telling our parents for years that something has to change. Now suddenly everything is a surprise. "Did you know your brother is clinically depressed?" YES! ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED WHILE LIVING WITH YOU! Part of it's the environment, but a big part is diet. You can only live off Pepsi and Hostess for so long without wanting to wash it all down with bleach.

TL;DR version- you're stuck.

Cheechos

I can see how that would be problematic and just so nobody thinks otherwise, I do not mention his weight in front of him, my mum does, and whenever I catch her do it I tell her afterwards discreetly that she should please not do it for the exact same reasons you listed.

The thing is, he doesn't run if he can avoid it, he doesn't want to go to the park to play with the other kids, he barely wants to do anything other than play video games and eat chips. Heck, just yesterday I caught him peeing on the balcony so he wouldn't have to walk to the toilet.

I get you, I was strong too: played a bunch of different sports, ate a lot, that sort of thing, but he is definitely not an active child, unfortunately, which makes it harder to motivate him to do something with me.

It seems like you're in a rough spot. I can empathize because right now I'm watching my own mother make little monsters out of my two younger sisters. They know to listen to me because I'm stern with them and I give them clearly visible rules, but with my mom they know they can get away with anything because she coddles them all the time. You just want to step in sometimes, scoop them up, and run as fast as you can with them until you get somewhere safe. -__- Unfortunately, all we can do at certain times in our lives is be an unwilling spectator for one awful sport or another. Keep trying, though. Don't give up on your brother or your mom. She might continue to get frustrated with you, but you have to be unmovable if you want to get through to her. moontyrant is right that you're stuck, but I think you can keep moving forward and if you end up having to help your brother pick up the pieces later then I'm sure you'll do a great job at loving and supporting the stuffing out of him as he sorts his life out. Hopefully, though, you can help things before they get to that point (especially with the laziness; one of my little sisters is like that and it drives me CRAZY whenever she throws something on the floor instead of taking 10 steps to put it in the garbage can).