Rude Adoption Comment
ready2lose2101
Posts: 47 Member
in Chit-Chat
So my hubby and I adopted an infant in our early 40's. We realized we couldn't have kids naturally and decided to adopt. During a recent visit to my sister-in-law's house, she not to kindly said that she can't understand what we were thinking because we are "OLD". The balls on some people!!! I realize that we are not spring chickens but our daughter is now 9 and has all of the love and attention she may ever want. We are both healthy and plan to live a good long while. My SIL makes it seem as if we have one foot in the grave or something. I have friends with kids the same age and they aren't but a year or 2 younger than us.
I shouldn't have to explain myself to her or anyone and I didn't comment on her rudeness but her comment has been festering in my soul for the past week and I get angry when I think about it.
Sorry to vent, I just can't fathom why people can't keep their rude comments to themselves especially when they're so hurtful. Let's just say I won't may a huge effort to visit their house again.
I shouldn't have to explain myself to her or anyone and I didn't comment on her rudeness but her comment has been festering in my soul for the past week and I get angry when I think about it.
Sorry to vent, I just can't fathom why people can't keep their rude comments to themselves especially when they're so hurtful. Let's just say I won't may a huge effort to visit their house again.
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Replies
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Some ppl don't realize what they say may be as hurtful as it actually is - when I was younger I often said whatever popped into my mind and offended many I’m sure - but most of the time I wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt anyone’s feelings - it wasn’t until I met my now ex wife that I realized sometimes I could be a real D bag - hopefully she wasn’t trying to be rude and maybe just ignorant to her comment - but there are folks out there that are intentionally rude and that I don’t get - sorry she made you feel that way - you did a great thing for that child btw1
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I'm looking 40 in the face (will be that age in March) and am considering adoption since the odds of me finding a mate by this point in my life are pretty low, and even if I did, the biological clock is quickly running down.
I certainly don't feel old! I would think that having a child at a later point in your life would be a way to keep feeling young! Not to mention the fact that at that season of your life, you've already made the stupid mistakes of youth, you're established, and you've matured - I know I definitely don't have the outlook on life now that I did at 25 or even 30, and I feel that raising children at an older age is a great benefit to the child - I cringe at the thoughts of hte mistakes I would have made due to immaturity that could have affected that child for life. I'm more stable financially, more wise, and have much better insights now that simply come with experience and age.
Besides, look how many folks these days are raising their grandkids? It's not all that uncommon, and it wasn't all that uncommon in the past, either.6 -
I would just tell anyone that made that kind of comment again: "It's better to have old parents than no parents." That should shut down further comments.
I'm not sure her comment was as rude as it was ignorant.4 -
She sounds jealous to me. Or stupid. It's a tough call.
Your child is so lucky to have been chosen by you. That's love. ❤
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ready2lose2101 wrote: »
During a recent visit to my sister-in-law's house, she not to kindly said that she can't understand what we were thinking because we are "OLD". The balls on some people!!!
Wait.
It's you Sister-in-Law..... and she has 'balls' ??
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I second LyndaBSS's reply, sounds like she doesn't like herself very much for NOT being able to open her heart to someone that might need her. You and your hubby did GOOD, both for yourselves AND YOUR daughter! People like you two make this world a brighter place, so I thank you for spreading your light!
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Thank you guys for the kind words, they make me feel much better about this situation. I'm trying not to be bitter towards my SIL because she will be in our lives for many years to come so to keep the peace, I'll stay quiet....unless she says something similar in the future.
I'm so happy our daughter is in our lives and can't imagine what life would be without her. Adoption is just a word because she is the other half of my heart!!7 -
ready2lose2101 wrote: »Thank you guys for the kind words, they make me feel much better about this situation. I'm trying not to be bitter towards my SIL because she will be in our lives for many years to come so to keep the peace, I'll stay quiet....unless she says something similar in the future.
I'm so happy our daughter is in our lives and can't imagine what life would be without her. Adoption is just a word because she is the other half of my heart!!
That's one lucky kid.
It sounds like she has 'Hit the Lottery'!
Re5peXt.1 -
ready2lose2101 wrote: »So my hubby and I adopted an infant in our early 40's. We realized we couldn't have kids naturally and decided to adopt. During a recent visit to my sister-in-law's house, she not to kindly said that she can't understand what we were thinking because we are "OLD". The balls on some people!!! I realize that we are not spring chickens but our daughter is now 9 and has all of the love and attention she may ever want. We are both healthy and plan to live a good long while. My SIL makes it seem as if we have one foot in the grave or something. I have friends with kids the same age and they aren't but a year or 2 younger than us.
I shouldn't have to explain myself to her or anyone and I didn't comment on her rudeness but her comment has been festering in my soul for the past week and I get angry when I think about it.
Sorry to vent, I just can't fathom why people can't keep their rude comments to themselves especially when they're so hurtful. Let's just say I won't may a huge effort to visit their house again.
You have a wonderful daughter and did a beautiful thing. This doesn't deserve any more of your energy. Don't let her stupidity have any more rent-free space in your brain!2 -
Amen solieco1!! Well said.
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Why are you so bothered by the comment?4
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My dad was 53 when I was born. My mom was diagnosed with MS when I was four. My dad was my main caretaker and taxi driver. He and mom raised me and my sister (16 months older than me) with my mom in a wheelchair and my dad a senior citizen. Age does not matter. He passed at 82 when I was 29. I have friends who had young dads that died before they were 29.
Tell her you plan to adopt a few more.1 -
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What she said doesn't actually have much to do with you, does it? We can hope that she simply said something without thinking. As you say, plenty of people start families in their early 40's. (My gynecologist comes to mind!)
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/01/14/462816458/average-age-of-first-time-moms-keeps-climbing-in-the-u-s
I would hazard a guess that SHE feels old and tired!
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20180712-the-age-you-feel-means-more-than-your-actual-birthdate
My thoughts -- forgive and forget, keep working on your health and fitness, and then if it comes up again, smile and say that you are so healthy and fit, getting better all the time, that you feel younger and more energetic than ever!2 -
I think I'm bothered by the fact that she voiced her opinion in such a rude way. Not to mention the fact that at this point, what should it matter to her how old we are as long as we take very good care of our daughter.
She also said (in an exasperated way), "what were y'all thinking". And that really hurts because our daughter is the joy of our lives and it's almost as if my SIL was implying that the adoption was a mistake and that just isn't acceptable to me.
IMO, if she has opinions about our situation, she should keep them to herself.2 -
I completely agree.0
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ready2lose2101 wrote: »
I think I'm bothered by the fact that she voiced her opinion in such a rude way. Not to mention the fact that at this point, what should it matter to her how old we are as long as we take very good care of our daughter.
She also said (in an exasperated way), "what were y'all thinking". And that really hurts because our daughter is the joy of our lives and it's almost as if my SIL was implying that the adoption was a mistake and that just isn't acceptable to me.
IMO, if she has opinions about our situation, she should keep them to herself.
I think the middle paragraph is what I was getting at; the reason why it is still bothering you a week later.
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ready2lose2101 wrote: »So my hubby and I adopted an infant in our early 40's. We realized we couldn't have kids naturally and decided to adopt. During a recent visit to my sister-in-law's house, she not to kindly said that she can't understand what we were thinking because we are "OLD". The balls on some people!!! I realize that we are not spring chickens but our daughter is now 9 and has all of the love and attention she may ever want. We are both healthy and plan to live a good long while. My SIL makes it seem as if we have one foot in the grave or something. I have friends with kids the same age and they aren't but a year or 2 younger than us.
I shouldn't have to explain myself to her or anyone and I didn't comment on her rudeness but her comment has been festering in my soul for the past week and I get angry when I think about it.
Sorry to vent, I just can't fathom why people can't keep their rude comments to themselves especially when they're so hurtful. Let's just say I won't may a huge effort to visit their house again.
Oh wow, yes, it can be so frustrating and hurtful when people are tactless and don't think about what they say. It isn't her life, and a child's well-being is the most important thing, regardless of age.
As an adopted daughter, I feel a bit of this on the other end of things 0 -
I think it was just a thoughtless remark relating to children being hard work and probably harder when you are older.
My SIL and her husband adopted two children whilst in their mid 40's. Our whole family were surprised that they were going to adopt because of their age. Firstly because at that age they were settled into there lives and jobs and had a really good lifestyle. Secondly because we all assumed (wrongly of course) that they had accepted they couldn't have kids of their own and were not going to put themselves through any more possible heartbreak (think failed IVF attempts)
The process to adopt in the UK is ruthless, it is very difficult to comply with and a complete invasion into your personal life. It has to be to protect the child of course. However it nearly broke them, they almost gave up and it seemed to go on forever. But they powered through and they are the greatest parents, the two kids both had awful starts to life but have been given the best loving, caring home imaginable and have grown into amazing adults. We all love them as if they were born into our family circle and have nothing but admiration for their parents.
And I have nothing but admiration for you and your husband. You have done an incredible thing and nothing anyone can ever say will change that.
You should forgive your SIL as she has no idea what the joy of adopting brings to a couple no matter what their age.
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This may me my NY side coming out, but why didn't you tell her to *kitten* off?0
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My wife and I adopted an orphaned child from Russia when we were in our mid 30's.
We heard a number of comments about our adoption; most were great, some hurt.
Just know that you did a right and noble thing by adopting and helping a child.
Seems everyone has an opinion. Best to consider the source and let their comments wash off of you like rain from a duck's back.2 -
Your child doesn't care how old you are, they care that they are loved. Maybe your SIL didn't think before she spoke... Or maybe she is intimidated by your initiative and passion to do something so life changing and great.3
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deputy_randolph wrote: »I would just tell anyone that made that kind of comment again: "It's better to have old parents than no parents." That should shut down further comments.
I'm not sure her comment was as rude as it was ignorant.
Or...I didnt realize love had an expiration date0 -
ready2lose2101 wrote: »So my hubby and I adopted an infant in our early 40's. We realized we couldn't have kids naturally and decided to adopt. During a recent visit to my sister-in-law's house, she not to kindly said that she can't understand what we were thinking because we are "OLD". The balls on some people!!! I realize that we are not spring chickens but our daughter is now 9 and has all of the love and attention she may ever want. We are both healthy and plan to live a good long while. My SIL makes it seem as if we have one foot in the grave or something. I have friends with kids the same age and they aren't but a year or 2 younger than us.
I shouldn't have to explain myself to her or anyone and I didn't comment on her rudeness but her comment has been festering in my soul for the past week and I get angry when I think about it.
Sorry to vent, I just can't fathom why people can't keep their rude comments to themselves especially when they're so hurtful. Let's just say I won't may a huge effort to visit their house again.
She waited nine years to make a comment about it? What triggered it?0 -
She’s very opionated and I’m sure she’s always felt this way about our adoption and probably believed the time was right for her to say something.
Keep in mind that she’s a nice person but will initiate small fires within the family and pretend innocence when everything comes to a head. Her comments still hurt because I’ve been taught not to say anything at all if I don’t have anything nice to say. This should hold true especially when dealing with family.0 -
ready2lose2101 wrote: »She’s very opionated and I’m sure she’s always felt this way about our adoption and probably believed the time was right for her to say something.
Keep in mind that she’s a nice person but will initiate small fires within the family and pretend innocence when everything comes to a head. Her comments still hurt because I’ve been taught not to say anything at all if I don’t have anything nice to say. This should hold true especially when dealing with family.
I feel sorry for her.0
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