Friend making unwise choices

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Replies

  • nowine4me
    nowine4me Posts: 3,985 Member
    TLDR, but her approach sounds fine and you can support her in many ways that don’t include advice. Offer to cook or meal plan together, go for walks, take a neutrino or healthy cooking class.
  • ketsuban25
    ketsuban25 Posts: 17 Member
    I know how you feel. My husband doesn't track anything and sometimes estimates he only ate 600 calories on some days. He also weighs himself multiple times a day and freaks out when he gains a pound even when I tell him it's food and water. I have tried to reason with him but it falls on deaf ears. All you can do is be there for her if she fails.
  • lg013
    lg013 Posts: 215 Member
    Here’s what you do...you say nothing and keep doing the healthier plan that you’re on for the long-run. Let’s say she sticks to the 1200 and doesn’t eat back her deficit giving her 900-1000 or less calories a day to function. What’s going to happen is she’s going to completely burn out and stop her plan very quickly—or she’s going to be prone to binging when weak, tired, and hungry and not see the results she wants.

    When she sees you’re getting results and maintaining—she’ll likely then ask for advice...but we learn best from failure—so you gotta let her try it her way and likely fail. Focus on being the role model she needs right now!
  • lg013
    lg013 Posts: 215 Member
    IsETHome wrote: »
    HoneyBadger155 wrote: »
    One of my best friends is working to lose some weight (she's done it many years ago, so not her first go-around), and I'm really struggling to keep my mouth shut and be supportive when I know the choices she's making are a) unsafe/unhealthy, b) not sustainable, and c) things I know she won't stick with.

    I really want to be supportive as I'm working on myself as well, and I know she could use the support. She is obese (upwards of 300+ pounds, F, ~42, ~5'9"). She is trying to limit herself to 1200 calories (or less) and trying to add in exercise at the same time.

    On the one hand I totally get that she's made up her mind and she wants the weight gone, but I also can see that in the past she went from overweight, to obese, to tiny (claims a size 4), and back to obese in a matter of years. She's my friend and I care about her health and that she feels good, both inside and outside, and I know her choices are setting her up for failure.

    Besides gentle hints (she's made it clear she doesn't want my advice), have you had success helping someone make wiser choices? I'm thinking of finding some articles that could pertain to both of us, from actual experts, as suggested reading (as in, "hey, I read this great article, thought it might interest you, too") but otherwise don't really have any great ideas on how to be super supportive without condoning what she's doing....


    A lot of people gasp at 1200, but I've been doing that for about 6 months ranging between 1000-1400 with the exercise. I've learned my metabolism is quite slow - I'm also in my 40's. Anything over about 1600 I gain weight. I've lost close to 40 lbs over 7 months, have logged every day - I work with a nutritionist, and get my labs done. My body is quite healthy now - I do water exercise only pretty much 4 times a week, my life is typically sedentary. Sooo, yes 1200 can be done badly based on choices (I have very little liquid calories, majority is food I need - an occasional splurge of chocolate or tortilla chips), but it can also be done properly, based on nutritional selections. I'd recommend that you support her and encourage her to work with a nutritionist who specializes in weight loss. However if your friend is working out every day for 2-3 hours, yes she will not have the calories likely she needs.

    Please keep in mind that height and current weight also height factor into your burned calories per day...The poster’s friend is tall and currently over 300 pounds...that could make a huge difference in the calories burned each day simply by functioning that might be very different from you. Just based on statistics, that much of a deficit based on what is described sounds unable to be maintained and potentially harmful.


    Perhaps at your current weight and height that’s not as dramatic as a deficit. Also keep in mind that she’s not likely working with a nutritionist...

    So if she’s taller, weights more than you, is planning to be active, and doesn’t have a nutritionist, 1000-1400 is not realistic and likely harmful in the long term.
  • KungfuPandin
    KungfuPandin Posts: 90 Member
    I'm in a similar situation. I'm doing a psych degree and doing a unit specifically about heath and behaviour change with eating and exercise as the major focus.. it is extremely interesting to me right now. I'm also making healthier choices and trying to change myself. I've lost well over 30kg in 7years from adopting small changes little by little. I've kept off this weight. BUT like you I have a friend who is obese and she is constantly dieting doing extreme things which bother me at both the personal level and the intellectual level. I don't see how this will change her weight and sadly it never actually does..her measures are nearly always too extreme, she changes too many things at once and whilst her motivation is high at the begining, she looses interest and is back off track. I'm always supporting her in the fallout phase of the failed attempts. It's very frustrating to be part of this cycle. I just keep on saying to her that I will support her, that I value her friendship, that I honor her choices and I respect her and I also emphasize that I can help her when she is ready and I have useful skills and advice at her disposal. I talk a bit about what I'm doing in my psych degree, where the research is at, what psychological tools are used... but the eyes glaze over 🤣. She's not interested. She is very determined to do everything her way. Has always been that way.
    It's really frustrating because she chooses these fad diets that are based upon little scientific evidence and I find myself yelling inside my head.. two things get to me about it. 1. My friend is in an unhealthy cycle of behaviour and I care about her and 2. Bad science really irritates me. She is really intelligent as well. She is a mathematics lecturer. It's frustrating. As you can see, I have no real advice for you. I'm in the same boat. Offering solidarity and hoping our friends will break out of these patterns one day..
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    I'd get this thread deleted, then tell her about this super online weight management community that you really want her to be friends with you on, because it's another place to enjoy the pleasure of her company.

  • PAV8888
    PAV8888 Posts: 14,254 Member
    I am sorry that this will sound a bit harsh; but, I would disengage to less than full and immediate support status.

    If I am not on-board with a program, if I can't make myself a believer, then I can't in good conscience offer full-on, cheering, support for something I don't believe in.

    Doesn't mean I won't listen as a, generally supportive, friend, when things don't go well; but, I can not and will not make myself act as a major support pillar for something I don't believe in.
  • wannabeskinnycat
    wannabeskinnycat Posts: 205 Member
    Imagine your friend is a smoker and is trying to quit. She could tell you on a Monday that she's quitting, has the patches/tablets/vape/whatever and is serious about it. You see her on the Wednesday with a cigarette and she says ah it's only the one and a few days later you can smell smoke on her. You know full well that telling her to stop smoking will have no effect. Even showing her pics of black lungs etc won't make any difference.

    No matter how many times she tries, she'll only give up the cigs if she wants to. Willpower is from within and as much as people can cheerlead it has to be the person's own choice.

    Stopping an unhealthy lifestyle is similar to stopping smoking in that you have to want to do it, work at it every single day, have alternatives in place and make good choices.

    The hard thing about food is it's everywhere and we are plied with adverts by companies who only want to increase their profits. Add to that the emotions that attach to overeating, self-loathing, envy, depression etc and there's a very lonely person feeling a lot of pain.

    Be her friend. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything, even if it's about how awful she feels cos she binged last night. If she wants a health mentor she can find one (I did). If she wants a gimmick weight loss plan she can find one. When she needs a friend she has one - you.
  • JohnnytotheB
    JohnnytotheB Posts: 361 Member
    She will have to learn on her own what works and does not work for her. At the start she will probably have some good results but longer term will not. I understand that most friends want to be supportive but the fact is most people will not take your advice no matter how great it is. As a matter of fact, most people seek advice not to change or actually hear what you say but that you give them an OK on what there plan is. All you can do is be as supportive as possible to what your friend wants to do.

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