Gentle support

I actually feel bad writing this but I'm so lonely. My partner died last month and just being alive racks me with guilt. Wanting to make friends feels wrong but I know it is the right thing to try and do.
I find it difficult to talk to people face to face and have thought about going to counselling but feel there are people worse of that need it more...
I'm trying to build the good habits but baby steps, online friends would be nice however I'm not always in the best frame of mind.
I'm trying to put myself first which is something I never do.
So emotional wreck as a friend up for grabs..... 😳