My success doesn't automatically make them failures....JEALOUSY!

QueenofCaffeine4Life

Do you find that the more successful you are in losing weight or changing your body the less people applaud? As in your will to eat better, do better, exercise more is somehow a reflection of their lack of desire or willingness. So instead of being happy for you they are indifferent and sometimes avoid you. Or when you talk with them its as if they feel the need to give you automatic excuses for themselves.

Such as; some friends and I started out exercising together. We were all doing the 'diet and fitness' thing. All the sudden a few began to not show up here and there. Then they stopped coming to exercise altogether. As I have continued on losing weight and sizes they are simply just jealous because they quit the process. Its painful because I don't want to lose friendships over fitness....

It's annoying to a fault. Why can't we be happy for someone? It's always a compare and compete game that should never be played.

My success doesn't automatically make them failures. I don't talk about my success to them because I know its an issue. But I am not going to hide behind baggy clothes forever!!

SatanLuciferJones

Well, I'm happy for you internet stranger!

LyndaBSS

Why do we care what someone else is doing unless it affects us directly?

I'm talking about in real life.

I don't feel the same here, where I'm happy to motivate or give an "atta girl" to a complete stranger. That's part of my journey that I've chosen.

But the jealousy, the sideways glances, the whispering? No thanks.

seltzermint555

QueenofCaffeine4Life wrote: »

Do you find that the more successful you are in losing weight or changing your body the less people applaud? As in your will to eat better, do better, exercise more is somehow a reflection of their lack of desire or willingness. So instead of being happy for you they are indifferent and sometimes avoid you. Or when you talk with them its as if they feel the need to give you automatic excuses for themselves.

Yes to all of this.

I've never been one to brag or really even mention my weight loss. Maybe that is why I do it quite a lot in these threads - it's the one place I can. After losing over 130, I only posted photos 1 time of my "before/after" on social media and deleted it after a couple weeks because I felt weird and embarrassed about it and uncomfortable with some of the comments people made. I DO NOT like when people sit around discussing diets and weight loss, and have found a lot of women do this endlessly especially in the workplace (not my current office but most I've worked in). Not my thing.

BUT yeah...the more you lose and the longer you keep it off, the less people seem to applaud. I have noticed that friends who are very public about their struggle and post photos of their bodies, meals, screen shots from exercise trackers, etc, get the most attention when it comes to weight loss and also the most people asking for advice. I find that someone who loses 30 lb quickly with weekly progress posts will get the most attention, even if they still have 100 to lose. I have no problem with that but yes I have noticed it too.

I also experience the constant comments, excuses, and justification from friends & acquaintances. I seriously do not care if they lose weight or exercise or whatever but they have to tell me that they're gaining due to x medication or whatever, like I'm keeping track. It saddens me, to be honest.

whmscll

It’s human nature, unfortunately. We covet what others have. I have a friend who began losing weight late last year and my initial reaction was a bit of jealousy and anxiety (not expressed to her, just private feelings) because I felt I also needed to lose a few pounds. I refocused that negative energy into my own weight loss effort, and now that I’ve met goal I am content with myself and happy for her.

Pamela_Sue

A good friend asked if we could be accountability partners in our weight loss journey. I have enjoyed our weekly texts over our losses, struggles, etc. But she is starting to struggle and hasn't lost anything in a while. And the more she struggles the less she is sharing those struggles with me so I don't know how to help, or even if I can. We continue to text each week, but I have tried to tone down my own enthusiasm, but continue to show her support. I don't know what to do moving forward.

LyndaBSS

@Pamela_Sue

Just be there when or if she does need you for that. That's all you can do. 💟

AnnPT77

Not really, or at least not hugely disproportionate to what happens over other life changes.

I think it's pretty normal for people to bond over certain shared activities, characteristics or goals, and for those to stick and become larger/more important to some of them, but less important to others who then move on to something else. When meeting the people who moved on, even if doing so made them happy, they sometimes seems sheepish that they gave up <whatever>.

I got some positive reactions when I first lost weight, followed by some "too thin" reactions (mostly, I think, because the change was kind of shocking, not because I was objectively so very thin), and then after a while it just ceased to be much of a topic of conversation at all.

Most of my current friends are either artsy people (who on average tend toward obesity and inactivity and quite poor fitness), or rowers. I have a few other friends who have been in my life for a longer time, with whom the bond is more shared attitudes. All of these people knew me for at least several years while I was still obese. The artsy people tended toward shock reactions over the weight loss, the rowers were more complementary, but it was mixed. Both groups have gotten used to thin me (I'm heading into year 4 of maintenance), and it just isn't a topic anymore. As long as I keep doing artsy projects with the artsy people, they've stayed my friends. As long as I keep rowing with the rowers, they stay my friends.

I used to have martial artist friends, too, who were delightful people, but they're not really my friends any more because I no longer practice a martial art, so don't see them, and we've mostly lost touch. Ditto with the Master Gardeners.

A few of the friends who are neither rowers nor artsy have a slightly reduced role in my life, because we have fewer shared interests. Most commonly, it's that I'm more up for physically vigorous recreational activities more than they are, so they seem to worry that they can't keep up (a feeling I don't share); and they're up for more sedentary intense eating/drinking activities that aren't as interesting to me as they used to be, so we spend less time together. We're still friends. Sometimes conversation makes it clear that they feel they've not achieved some things they'd like to achieve (that I have), but it's a minor part of interaction. I do what I can to make them feel positive about their choices, because all of them are great at other things that I'm not (specifics vary: music, gardening, creating a lovely home, needlework, etc.).

So,
1. It took people a while for people to adjust to a "new me", and then it became less a thing to talk about, and
2. I think the key areas for maintaining friendships through life changes are still having some shared interests or activities that keep the connection going, and - as you say - positive support, bidirectionally.

If I had friends who I truly thought resented my successes, I guess I think it would be good to learn that, so I could seek out friends with more self-confidence and psychological stability.

FWIW, I lost more social connections when I was widowed than when I lost weight, by far. It was still because of reduced scope for shared social activities, primarily . . . though I've heard other widows report that they thought some married couples dropped the widowed friend because the woman thought the widow would try to steal her man. I don't think I know anyone that foolish.

NewLIFEstyle4ME

No, not at all really. In all this time of drop kicking 78lbs to the place where the sun will never shine, I've ONLY have/received cheers, applauds and admiration from friends, family and even strangers. I haven't had one person react negatively/jealous or any "messiness" to my weight blastification at all--not even one person.

ETA: I've actually been kinda "waiting" for someone to tell me the "you're getting too slim" or something like that--NOPE, nothing...just hugs and high fives and congrats from peeps.

GrizzledSquirrel

Pamela_Sue wrote: »

A good friend asked if we could be accountability partners in our weight loss journey. I have enjoyed our weekly texts over our losses, struggles, etc. But she is starting to struggle and hasn't lost anything in a while. And the more she struggles the less she is sharing those struggles with me so I don't know how to help, or even if I can. We continue to text each week, but I have tried to tone down my own enthusiasm, but continue to show her support. I don't know what to do moving forward.

This is why I avoid accountability partners. Overrated IMO. Everyone is different and it’s usually best to go at your own pace - whether that be faster than your buddies or slower (for example, I think it is unfair that you should feel the need to “tone down” your enthusiasm - as if enthusiasm isn’t precious enough!). However, if you have to check-in with someone, I’d be tempted to do it about one SPECIFIC thing only - for example, meeting up once a week for a long walk or a fitness class or sharing good recipes. Make it linked to weight loss, but don’t make weight loss itself the focus. This way, if there is an imbalance between you and your buddy, it doesn’t have to impact the whole enterprise. Good luck!

creationscrown

That’s really sad but I think it is more about the quality of the people you call “friends” than it is about your success. I would let them go happily. Anyone who is not happy for your successes in life is not a true friend. Let them go, HAPPILY.