32 / 5’2 / 171lbs

zenandchaos

Everyday when I look in the mirror I wonder what happened to the girl who valued healthy eating, fitness and feeling good. I can make countless excuses but they will never be more than that. From blaming my bakery job to blaming peer pressure from other people, I always have an excuse.

I feel like my eating is disordered. I guilt trip myself for eating “bad” foods and I feel like I gain weight instantly when I eat them. I have been this way since age 18 when I restricted to 500 calories a day. Since then, I have yo-yo’d my weight, from 120 to 145 to 125 to 145 to 160 to 135 and now to my highest and most uncomfortable weight ever of 170.

Growing up, I always heard my mother talk about how “fat” she was and I feel like this is where I learned how to hate my body.

I am very impatient, I give up quickly and I have an overall negative attitude and often do not believe I can lose weight even though deep down I know I can because I’ve done it before. I don’t know how to get over my desire for unrealistically instant results. I don’t know how to stop stress eating.

I have considered therapy but I don’t think I can afford it. I don’t know what to do but I do know that I don’t want to continue down this path of weight gain.

Currently restricting to 1200-1400 a day with workouts 3-4 days per week. Workouts that I have no desire to be doing, and food I don’t want to be eating. I need help and I don’t know where to turn.

kimny72

What country are you in? Do you have health insurance?

You can check with your local health dept and ask if they offer any free counseling services.

You can also go to Nationaleatingdisorders.org They might have advice there on how to get affordable care, and I know they have a hotline.

I'm sorry your struggling. I know there are many people here who have gone through this, but being a holiday in the US it may take you a little longer to get replies. Hang in there :flowerforyou:

zenandchaos

Thank you for your kind words. I’m in the US and I do have insurance, it’s not the best though so I’d have to make some calls and see how much it would cost me out of pocket, most care that I get ends up costing some amount or another if it’s not considered preventative.

Thank you for the website! I will definitely check that out!

88olds

Can I talk you out of the idea that you can do this in a hurry? Can I talk you out of 1200 calories?

Have you tried full on calorie counting? That’s a whole set of things, a modest calorie deficit, a food scale, a food diary, a menu, planining, a regular system of weigh ins to track your progress. Thinking in terms of months. You tried that? It works. But there’s a fairly long learning curve. It can take a couple of weeks to get it up and running and months to get good at it.

But you say you’re impatient. Well, I was impatient and 285 lbs until I wasn’t. Weight loss in a hurry is for people under medical supervision who have no choice. Keep reading this board and you’ll see how many people are wrecked by the time factor.

I think the big picture problem is this- learning to live within some reasonable limits. Weight loss has two parts- a calorie deficit and living with it. Lots of folks put all the emphasis on the deficit. Self imposed strict eating that we suffer through until we get to goal and then return to our lives. Then what? A 130 lb woman living a 170 lb lifestyle will weigh 170 lbs again soon enough.

Learning to live with the adjustments we have to make takes time. It’s just how it is.

Give up the notion of trying to beat yourself into submission. Find a activity that you like. Maybe walking. Try to modify some of the foods that you like to make them plan friendly. Try out portion control on some other favorites. Try to keep an attitude of experimentation. Never take your eye off of the living part. As someone said on here last week, if you’re uncomfortable, good. If you’re suffering, it’s not good and won’t be sustainable.

mariececilia10

I remember being very young and in dressing rooms with my mother and she’d comment how “fat and disgusting” she was when she looked fine. I think she was like a size 12 at the time (late 90s). Before that it had never crossed my mind that someone could not like their body and it sparked something for me. I’ve struggled with disordered eating for years. A few years ago I regained a lot of weight following a long period of over restricting, over exercising, etc. I started tracking my food intake here, weighing it on a food scale and all, and have since lost those 50 lbs just eating within my calorie allotment. I eat total crap way too much of the time. Cheetos, ice cream, pizza, all the foods people demonize as being “bad.” I feel like garbage, but I’ve still lost weight. Now I’m hanging out about 10 lbs over my goal weight and trying to modify my diet to include more nutritious foods and less “treats” lol. Regarding exercise and work outs, it’s great for your health but not necessary for weight loss. For me, trying to stick to a work out schedule can actually inhibit my weight loss. I’m usually more successful without it. I need to really focus on my intake, and an exercise schedule distracts me and adds stress and I’m less likely to stay within my calories. Also, water retention from exercise can hide any fat loss when you step on the scale. Being so close to my goal weight, loss is slow, and seeing those fluctuations for me has been very disheartening and demotivating. I hope something here is helpful to you.

Pamela_Sue

You mentioned being in the US. Since therapy might not be affordable for you, I wonder if TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) or Overeaters Anonymous would be of benefit to you. I don't belong to either, but believe they work on the whole person. TOPS is $32 per year. OA works on "obsession with body image, weight and size" among others.
Just throwing that out there as a possibility for low-cost meetings with others that struggle with weight.

quiksylver296

zenandchaos wrote: »

Everyday when I look in the mirror I wonder what happened to the girl who valued healthy eating, fitness and feeling good. I can make countless excuses but they will never be more than that. From blaming my bakery job to blaming peer pressure from other people, I always have an excuse.

I feel like my eating is disordered. I guilt trip myself for eating “bad” foods and I feel like I gain weight instantly when I eat them. I have been this way since age 18 when I restricted to 500 calories a day. Since then, I have yo-yo’d my weight, from 120 to 145 to 125 to 145 to 160 to 135 and now to my highest and most uncomfortable weight ever of 170.

Growing up, I always heard my mother talk about how “fat” she was and I feel like this is where I learned how to hate my body.

I am very impatient, I give up quickly and I have an overall negative attitude and often do not believe I can lose weight even though deep down I know I can because I’ve done it before. I don’t know how to get over my desire for unrealistically instant results. I don’t know how to stop stress eating.

I have considered therapy but I don’t think I can afford it. I don’t know what to do but I do know that I don’t want to continue down this path of weight gain.

Currently restricting to 1200-1400 a day with workouts 3-4 days per week. Workouts that I have no desire to be doing, and food I don’t want to be eating. I need help and I don’t know where to turn.

I don't have any background to help with disordered eating. But what do you mean by the bolded?

It seems like you know intellectually that there are no bad foods, but emotionally you react as if there are?

What is wrong with your workouts? You don't like what you are doing? What all have you tried?

phx92

It sounds like you are really struggling and you have a lot going on that you’re managing in addition to your weight, especially with things like stress eating, lack of confidence, and struggling without instant results, having no desire for the things you are doing.

Therapy is really helpful if you ever can afford it, I know copays add up but you can check with your insurance or community to see if there are any affordable options. If you have an eap (employee assistance program) that usually covers therapy visits, or you can find cheaper alternatives online (phone sessions etc). I have used a couple apps that are helpful, but a lot use techniques I already learned previously so I don’t know if they would be good if you’d never talked to a therapist.

I know it can be really important to come at things with a compassionate mindset toward yourself in regards to body image, you won’t do any favors by being unkind to yourself or pushing too hard if you’re not in a good place mentally. If you can sort out some of what’s going on in your head it can help the rest of your life come together a little more.

Feel free to send me a message or add me if you want to chat, or let me know and I can send you some of the mental health resources I know of

Sjb053

I struggle with using food to help with all my emotions. Food when I’m happy, sad. angry, etc. Found a pod cast to help with food and emotions. Check out pocast The Stop Binge Eating podcast
With Kirsten Sarfde. Maybe it will help
You too

zenandchaos

quiksylver296 wrote: »

zenandchaos wrote: »

Everyday when I look in the mirror I wonder what happened to the girl who valued healthy eating, fitness and feeling good. I can make countless excuses but they will never be more than that. From blaming my bakery job to blaming peer pressure from other people, I always have an excuse.

I feel like my eating is disordered. I guilt trip myself for eating “bad” foods and I feel like I gain weight instantly when I eat them. I have been this way since age 18 when I restricted to 500 calories a day. Since then, I have yo-yo’d my weight, from 120 to 145 to 125 to 145 to 160 to 135 and now to my highest and most uncomfortable weight ever of 170.

Growing up, I always heard my mother talk about how “fat” she was and I feel like this is where I learned how to hate my body.

I am very impatient, I give up quickly and I have an overall negative attitude and often do not believe I can lose weight even though deep down I know I can because I’ve done it before. I don’t know how to get over my desire for unrealistically instant results. I don’t know how to stop stress eating.

I have considered therapy but I don’t think I can afford it. I don’t know what to do but I do know that I don’t want to continue down this path of weight gain.

Currently restricting to 1200-1400 a day with workouts 3-4 days per week. Workouts that I have no desire to be doing, and food I don’t want to be eating. I need help and I don’t know where to turn.

I don't have any background to help with disordered eating. But what do you mean by the bolded?

It seems like you know intellectually that there are no bad foods, but emotionally you react as if there are?

What is wrong with your workouts? You don't like what you are doing? What all have you tried?

I suppose I just find the traditional workouts boring, I belong to Planet Fitness and I go on the weekends with my boyfriend and he motivates me a lot but we can’t go during the week together so I’m hoping to find a gym buddy during the week who can help keep me positive. I am also a huge winter hater and it’s around the corner and I fear I’ll just become sedentary again (aside from work)

As far as food, I don’t know what I really mean. I try to eat healthy but I don’t feel like it always works, I have been getting MUCH better with moderation of the foods that are typically seen as “bad”. I guess I’m also just bored with food too and I wish I didn’t have to eat at all.

Thanks for the reply

zenandchaos

Sjb053 wrote: »

I struggle with using food to help with all my emotions. Food when I’m happy, sad. angry, etc. Found a pod cast to help with food and emotions. Check out pocast The Stop Binge Eating podcast
With Kirsten Sarfde. Maybe it will help
You too

Thank you, I will definitely give this a shot! Best of luck on your journey!

zenandchaos

phx92 wrote: »

It sounds like you are really struggling and you have a lot going on that you’re managing in addition to your weight, especially with things like stress eating, lack of confidence, and struggling without instant results, having no desire for the things you are doing.

Therapy is really helpful if you ever can afford it, I know copays add up but you can check with your insurance or community to see if there are any affordable options. If you have an eap (employee assistance program) that usually covers therapy visits, or you can find cheaper alternatives online (phone sessions etc). I have used a couple apps that are helpful, but a lot use techniques I already learned previously so I don’t know if they would be good if you’d never talked to a therapist.

I know it can be really important to come at things with a compassionate mindset toward yourself in regards to body image, you won’t do any favors by being unkind to yourself or pushing too hard if you’re not in a good place mentally. If you can sort out some of what’s going on in your head it can help the rest of your life come together a little more.

Feel free to send me a message or add me if you want to chat, or let me know and I can send you some of the mental health resources I know of

It’s surely true, I feel as though a lot of other things going on in my life are preventing me from taking care of myself. I’m going to make some calls and see if any of my options through my insurance would be affordable to me, because truly therapy is something I want to do. I’m interested in your resources as well, thank you!

It definitely is tough to reverse self-hatred into self-love. Crazy as it sounds, I have been hardcore bummed that I’m getting older and the cellulite on my thighs has set in, but today Demi Lovato (who I don’t really follow or listen to) posted an untouched photo of her legs and I felt so much better about myself. A lot of the commenters seemed to see no issues with her “flaw” and I hope I can start to see myself the same way, with compassion.

zenandchaos

Pamela_Sue wrote: »

You mentioned being in the US. Since therapy might not be affordable for you, I wonder if TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) or Overeaters Anonymous would be of benefit to you. I don't belong to either, but believe they work on the whole person. TOPS is $32 per year. OA works on "obsession with body image, weight and size" among others.
Just throwing that out there as a possibility for low-cost meetings with others that struggle with weight.

Thank you, I will check out TOPS and OA!

kiela64

We are almost stats twins! Im 5’2 168lbs and 25.

My high weight from the end of 2017 is 205. My low weight from 2018 was 158.. I regained a bit during the winter- also a winter hater!!

I have my goal at 1600 now, for a 1/2lb/week. I keep a list of what each rate of loss is (1lb/week 1380 .5lb/week 1630 Maintenance 1880), and if I can eat at a lower one some days I will, but it’s not a failure to be eating at a slower rate of loss.

I find spicy food less boring so I have made some chili & soup that have some kick. It helps a bit.

I recommend therapy but maybe ask journaling and self help books might be a good place to start too. I’m in therapy and while it’s obviously good to have professional input, it doesn’t do the work for you. Those are things I still struggle with.

Good luck ❤️

WNMorlandpark

Sometimes by over-restricting our diets we end up moving backwards. Maybe you would benefit from focusing on one things at a time. You can try focusing on these 4 goals: 4 servings of veggies, 3-4 servings of protein, 64oz of water, and 10,000 steps per day. Play around with your plan, nothing is set in stone and sometimes takes a few different combinations to figure out what plan works best for you.

Having 3-4 workouts x 20min high intensity workouts are better then 6 workouts x 40min where your unmotivated and dont give it your all. Maybe you would find it more encouraging doing shorter workouts.

As far as your meals go, you can look for new or healthier versions of your favorite foods. You can also eat your favorite foods and pair it with something healthier. Instead of eating 2 slices of pizza have 1 only with a side salad, or grilled veggies to fill you up. If you crave sweets have something like the "GoStak" container to help you limit the qty you are eating. I limit myself to only the treats i can fit in this container and all my meals are healthy. The idea is to find new ways to be happy with your new lifestyle so you can stick to it without depriving yourself. Nobody wants to be on a broccoli and chicken diet.


I hope you find a lifestyle that helps you reach your goals and makes you happy. Make small realistic goals, they all count!