Bad parent(ing) stories (that affect your health habits & work/life balance)

LAT1963
LAT1963 Posts: 1,375 Member
edited December 23 in Motivation and Support
In another thread, it came up that people had been getting a lot of bad messaging from their parents about food, nutrition, exercise, and life in general, that they seemed to be struggling with even in adulthood and age, though their parents may be long-gone.

Some of these were fairly simple and pretty common--like 'you have to finish all the food on your plate'--something probably driven by the view that since the food was paid for, failing to eat it was wasting money.

Others of them were more insidious and destructive, like 'Have you been sick?' when they see you after awhile and you've lost weight but are still in the obese or overweight category when it comes to fat %.

And some are undermining of one's confidence in general--and when you lack that confidence it is hard to stick with something (eg: a health-improvement plan) whose rewards are distant and long-term, because you aren't good at anything anyway and never succeed, so even if you stick with something the reward everyone else seems to get is never going to come to you.

So I thought it might be of use to start a thread where people can dump that baggage and get some support from others with similar experience or just with compassion for the head-trip someone is suffering. It doesn't have to be something specific someone said, it can also be a behavior. Whatever it is that they are doing or have done that you feel is still making it harder for you to be who you want to be now.

I suspect there's going to be a lot of vulnerability exposed here so no dicking with people, okay?

I'll start--category general undermining of confidence--as a young woman engineer, my mother used to always tell me that it didn't matter what I did with my life or accomplishments, the only thing that would matter would be who I was married to. If I won the Nobel Prize (sic: the prize recognizing engineering is the Japan prize not the Nobel which is usually for basic science, but I digress) but was married to a plumber, I'd still be no more than a plumber's wife. (no offense to plumbers, this reflects my mom's value system not mine). Since her house is more central than mine a few of times I made the mistake of stopping there to shower and change before going to a job interview or corporate event; she invariably criticized me for how I was dressed and how much I weighed (which at that time was an athletic 160), and tore me down so that my confidence would be shot when I went to the event.

(For context, mom had 2 years of college and scattered secretarial/reception type job experiences at that point in my life, but had mostly been a full-time stay-at-home mom, consistent with the expectations of that era.)

Replies

  • deannalfisher
    deannalfisher Posts: 5,600 Member
    my mom claims she "hardly eats anything" and her body is in starvation mode but then you see her eat 2000-3000cal in enchilada's (or similar)
  • LAT1963
    LAT1963 Posts: 1,375 Member
    edited September 2019
    Forgive me if I'm laughing at the dietary cluelessness of some people's parents.

    I think it's easy to recognize the negative effects of overly pushy parents but maybe the under-pushers need more recognition too, it's like saying they don't have confidence you can do better.
  • missysippy930
    missysippy930 Posts: 2,577 Member
    I guess many of us have memories of things that relatives may have said or done. It’s painful even to read all of your comments. Positive reinforcement goes a long way toward developing self esteem. Unconditional love and positive role modeling lacks in some parents, mine included. It can cause lifelong pain, even when they are long gone. Hugs to all🌸
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    LAT1963 wrote: »
    Forgive me if I'm laughing at the dietary cluelessness of some people's parents.

    I think it's easy to recognize the negative effects of overly pushy parents but maybe the under-pushers need more recognition too, it's like saying they don't have confidence you can do better.

    I definitely recognize that too. In my case, I think my parents knew I was intellectually gifted and very creative, but because I majored in humanities and found the 9-5 grind very disappointing, they understood why I was working in retail and entry level or non profit jobs. They were definitely enablers for years...emotionally speaking. To be clear though I lived independently from them & supported myself financially, etc. But they didn't honestly have confidence that I could thrive in a more traditional or lucrative job, and that was something I achieved without much input from them. I do think if looking at all angles, though, their confidence in me as a strong person and encouragement in all areas was beneficial.

    I also think when it came to dietary/health matters, I'm such a people pleaser & was so extremely self-conscious about my weight, that it would have KILLED me if they gave me a hard time about my body. Maybe literally.
  • quiksylver296
    quiksylver296 Posts: 28,439 Member
    Do aunts count, because @jaydedmiss has some stories... :o
  • hmhill17
    hmhill17 Posts: 283 Member
    Ah the clean plate club. That was pushed on me. Then when I started putting weight on in middle school, even though I played sports etc, it was attributed to me filling out before filling up because that was what my dad did at that age. Ignore that he and I have COMPLETELY different builds.
    Sports kept me ahead of the game in high school so I was never fat and my build let me carry the weight.
    As life went on and they started doing 8 million bizarro fad diets before my dad's doctor put him on a mostly vegetarian diet for diabetes, they talked about weight loss and diets incessantly, to the point that eating whatever I wanted was a means of thumbing my nose at them. Yes adult me acting like a 5 year old.
    Constant comments about my weight and appearance, "You'd look so much better if..."
  • Roza42
    Roza42 Posts: 246 Member
    edited September 2019
    I've always been hungry and kind of a heavy dense muscular person. But the family dynamic changed a lot when I was 10. I was the second heaviest person in my class. I was 4'10" and 118 lbs. As an idea of what I looked like my grandmother was 4'11" and 125 lbs and everyone always commented on how slim she was. My mom flipped out and took me to the doctor who gave me a diet. My mom promptly threw that out and cut out all snacks. I was hungry all the time, and at meal times I chewed through everything really quickly and looked for more.

    At 11 I was 5'4" and 125 lbs and all I ever heard about was how heavy I was. That continued through high school and my adult life. I've finally realized at 54 that my problem all this time has been a starve binge cycle that was presented as "normal" eating. I had my resting metabolic rate done and it is currently 1800 kcal. My mother trying to force me to eat 1200 kcal, to eating only 3 meals, to the clean plate club totally messed up my eating habits. So I learned not to eat until I literally felt like I was starving and then couldn't control the amount I ate. I would eat as fast as possible and everything in sight until I felt not hungry.

    And when I say starving I mean hangry and feeling like I'm going to pass out which actually happened in 3rd grade when I missed breakfast because there wasn't any cereal in the house and we made our own breakfast.

    I'm trying to eat 5-6 meals a day, and it helps but it's tough.
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