My Success (in more ways than 1!)

ku140 · September 2019

I do my best thinking while doing my cardio. No headphones, no TV. I just feel the burn, breathe, and think.

Today I started thinking about where I am, and maybe even more notably, where I've been. I want to share in the hopes it helps others.

I grew up being athletic but chunky. I've been 5'10" since high school, and I probably was around 180lbs (I never weighed myself). In college, I tacked on another 20.

After college, I struggled. I loved to go out and party with friends, but I always felt like the biggest girl in the room. I had an odd outlook on myself. I knew I was bigger, but I wouldn't admit I needed to do anything about it. I figured, I was active, so I was just meant to be bigger.

In 2008, I made a decision to dye my hair (stay with me, this matters!). I always loved my long, dark blonde hair, but I tried going dark....and loved it even more. But, when I got dressed every day, I realized that the only clothes I had were black. I hated the look of the dark hair with dark clothes. THAT, of all things, was my trigger point. If I wanted to wear pretty colors to go with my pretty hair, and feel good about it, I needed to lose weight.

Admitting to myself, and other people, that I needed to lose weight was hard. Saying to my parents "I'm going to the gym", asking the waiter for a sauce on the side, ordering water at a bar made me feel like the spotlight of "I AM FAT" was on me. As I kept doing these things, though, I stopped feeling awkward about it.

I had to come to terms with how much I was eating. I got the book "Eat This, Not That" to help me make smarter choices. I had 23 years of poor eating habits to undo. Ultimately, these were the mental tricks which helped me:

1) Say "No" to every extra snack first. If I really want it, I have to change my mind to yes. This made me think about each thing I took, and gave me the opportunity to exercise some willpower.
2) For the snacks I REALLY wanted to say Yes to, I asked "is this worth the time on the elliptical to burn it off?". Usually....no. It was not worth 25 minutes for that candy bar.
3) No alcohol. Way too many empty calories.
4) Pick the healthiest thing on the menu, not the thing that would taste the best. I had this mindset of "If I'm going to pay for it, it should be the thing I want most". I had to change that to "If I'm going to pay for it, it should be the thing that gives me the most nutrients for the least calories".
5) Similar to 4, I also only ate until I was full. If I was paying for it, it would end up either in my stomach or the trash, so I stopped feeling obligated to finish my meal just because I had paid for it.

I also took small steps with my food. I made each meal 1 bit healthier at a time. Sandwich - I took off the mayo. Then cheese. Then 1 slice of bread. I did it in small steps so I never felt like I was going without. I focused on getting proteins with my meals and tried to add more.

After 6 months of daily workouts (goal of burning 300 calories a day) and mindful eating, I lost 35 lbs!! This was definitely success #1.

In 2012, I joined a new gym and discovered personal training. I loved it so much, I became a trainer myself. I had maintained my weight loss so far, and I started learning about weightlifting. What a boost! I felt so incredibly powerful. I loved learning about what my body could accomplish away from the scale. Learning new ways to push myself was success #2.

In 2017, I had my first child. Pregnancy threw me and I took back a lot of my old habits. I said Yes to a lot of snacks. I wanted the tastiest thing on the menu. Ultimately, I gained all the weight back.

Now, you may be thinking "but you put it back on....isn't that unsuccessful?". Here is where I have made the choice to see where I am today as success #3. I have the opportunity to accomplish something amazing (again!). I get to push my body. I get to make better eating choices. I get to recapture the power I felt before.

Maintaining is no joke, and is an accomplishment all it's own. But LOSING? Newly committing to myself, carving out the time for ME, giving back the strength and nutrients to my body as a "thank you" for handling everything else I've thrown at it the last few years? It is a chance I don't want to take for granted.

I won't lie. I would love to just be in a maintenance phase still

But I am not, and I am making a choice to see right now as success #3. I know I am strong enough to be fitter. I know that my body isn't just "meant to be bigger". I know that being active and eating less calories WILL work for me. My success is knowing that needing to start again does NOT make me a failure. Knowing that I have been there before is powerful, and I am using that to push me forward.