I need help with getting the woman i love help

hroush

Thank you all for your help. I know there is a counseling center on campus, we are both students, so I will check into that. We both went through some counseling at our previous college, but we did not continue it here. I know what it is like as well to have severe depression as I had from very young till about a couple years ago. I think I will tell her that i would like to return to counseling and ask her to join me.

TabiHerbalifeCoach

I agree it sounds a lot like depression. I suffered from depression a few times in the last 3 or 4 years, going through my divorce and my divorce becoming final, becoming a single parent and I can tell you not much of anything got me off my couch. I wasn't all that attentive to my kids, sure they had there necessities but we didn't do anything, i never worked out and icecream was often dinner....at lease for me. Once I went to counseling, and I was on meds for a short period of time it got better. The weight could be the cause of it, and then its a vicious cycle, she depressed cause she's overweight, so she eats more does less cause she's depressed and it becomes worse. I really think this is over your's and her head, seeing a doctor is the best option in my opinion.

blondageh

My wife and I have always struggled with weight, but I have managed to lose mine (mostly). She, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care enough and actually is making it harder for me to lose the rest of mine. She had diabetes most of her life, but had a transplant so she is not anymore. I am afraid that she may become diabetic again if she doesn't change her ways.

Once a month or so we have the "diet" conversation where we will buy and eat better foods, work out, etc. but nothing ever comes of it. I know that she knows she is overweight and it really weighs on her, but she'd rather sit and read than do something. We have workout equipment, but she has only ever used them a couple times and comes up with excuses why she doesn't want to anymore. This was also last year when she had a wedding dress to think about, but she doesn't have that goal anymore either. Her life now consists of either laying in bed at home on the computer all day or going to work and sitting on the computer all day. I believe she has back pains now due to her back muscles not used to holding the extra weight.

Actually, she is the one that turned me on to this website, but she wouldn't make one herself saying that I should do it for her (i want to help her but part of losing the weight is actually seeing the numbers, so i refused). I have tried many ways of trying to help her eat better (goals, rewards, refusing to buy junk food), but she is a very picky eater, which makes eating at home more difficult. She loves to eat out, which only makes matters worse. I decided to only get salad once and she threw a fit and refused to eat anything she ordered (also salad) because it would make her look bad. And then there is the, "we don't have anything / don't have time for something / i'm mad at you, so I just won't eat anything" attitude leading to one meal a day.

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, but I am just trying to lay everything out so that you all can help. This also weighs on me quite a bit because I know it is taring her apart. I know that a can't force her to change, do new things, eat better, etc., but can i get some help in trying to point her in the right direction without her bursting into tears because she thinks i am calling her fat?

Oh my goodness, you could be talking about my fiancee'. Especially the last part with the pouting that we don't have anything to eat, throwing fits and just being in a bad mood and not eating.

Difference is, he lost 60lbs on his own. Yes, he didn't do it my way, but he did it his way in his own time. I think that is what you need to do for her. Just let her decide when she is willing to do this. If you can't accept it, then it is time to move on. I know you care about her, but you can't save her. She has to save herself and your "encouragement" probably just makes it worse.

But boy, I can relate. Oh how can I.

bettersusan

I agree with what some of the others expressed also. She just isn't ready. The more you talk about it, the worse she is going to feel and you may the the OPPOSITE reaction of what you are hoping for. She may never get there. She is probably depressed and down on herself because she DOESN'T like that she isn't in control of this. Even if she does lose, she will resent you for pressuring her and you may find yourself with a skinny, goodlooking wife who is angry at you because she feels pressured to look a certain way.

I felt terrible when I was that size. I WAS depressed about it. I felt discouraged and hopeless. I tried to pretend it didn't matter, but I was NOT happy. I KNEW I didn't look good and I HATED feeling trapped in a big, ackward, overweight body. (Oh....how I KNOW how that feels! After I had my 1st child, I found myself at 228 and 5'4). The BEST gift my husband gave me, was never saying ANYTHING negative about my weight. He focused on what was beautiful and good, about me. I think he actually believed...or convinced himself, that I was beautiful. Even though I knew I wasn't and thought he was crazy to see anything pretty in me, I was grateful he loved me and found me attractive anyway. I began wanting to lose not just for me, but for him also, because I felt I had the most wonderful husband and I WANTED him to have an attractive and healthy wife. Does that make sense?

It seems you really care about your wife and you definately have LEGITIMATE concerns and complaints. If you REALLY want to help her. Love her. Find things you like about her and tell her. ("You have a beautiful smile" "You ARE attractive" "You hair looks really pretty today" "I love how you always think of others", etc.) Be HONEST. Be SINCERE. Just focus on the beauty you see in her. Let her talk about her weight if she wants to, but just listen. You can say things like, "If you think you need to lose weight, I'll encourage you because I love you and want you to be healthy, but I think you are beautiful & love you whether you lose weight or not". It will take SO much pressure off her! Act like you don't care so much about that, and just keep living healthy yourself. If she talks about her weight and orders fried chicken later at a restaurant, don't say a word. Don't act weird or make weird expressions. Ignore it and make healthy choises yourself. Just enjoy the conversation and your time together. Let HER do this when she is ready. It may take a few months. It may take a couple years. She'll get there though. Just keep on lovin' her.

-Susan

MrsSki

I was the same way with my husband. He tried all the time to get me to exercise and eat better, but the more he pushed that madder I got. The madder I got the more I didnt want to do it. I had to want to do it for my health not my vanity before I finally did it.

As for talking to her about her weight your probably making it worse. Stop talking, she gets shes over weight, I'm sure she it not stupid. But dont let her guilt you into messing up your weight loss. Eat healthy exercise and when she is ready she will do it. Be understanding and remind her everyday by example.

But the more you push the more you will make her feel unattractive to you and it will end up causing marriage problems. Good luck
Tiff

That is exactly how it was with me and my husband. He pushed, and I was jealous of his weight loss and got angry. I had a wake up call when I realized he didn't find me as attractive as when we first met. I was really angry about that for a long time, until I realized that I was the one who had gained the weight, and the only person I could be angry at was myself.

It may be difficult for you, but your accomplishments may be what is turning her off trying to get help. I agree with previous poster's that she may be depressed. Look at some of the symptoms of depression and see if they apply to her. There are all sorts of resources online to help you help a loved one who suffers from depression. Congrats on your weightloss, and I am so glad that you are the kind of husband (like mine!) who loves his wife enough to try and help her.

Cytherea

Big question here- do you want to have children?

I weighed about the same as your wife (and about the same height) when I started on here. I didn't "hit rock bottom." I wasn't depressed and angry and had enough. I just... decided to start doing it. I had never seriously tried to lose weight before, even though I have always been heavy. I always thought I was just destined to be that way and had accepted it. Sure, I didn't LIKE it, but I didn't hate myself either.

One day I just woke up and decided it was time to start trying. I talked to a friend of mine who lost a ton of weight and she referred me to this site. I signed up and just started doing it. Taking it day by day. But it is working!

My husband never said anything to me about my weight. He was always incredibly skinny, although he has filled out a bit the last few years. Every time I would say something about my weight, he would always tell me that I wasn't fat, I was beautiful, and that he loved me no matter how I look. It is sweet and I really love him for that. He never had a bad word to say to me, even when I was at my heaviest. I've only gotten heavier since we met almost 10 years ago and not once did he complain or say ANYTHING at all about it. According to him, he just didn't see it- he didn't care about that, he cared about ME.

The thing is, at that weight, health IS, and can become, an issue. I realized that I didn't want that. I didn't want those health problems in the future. I didn't want to worry about dying young- I want to live a long life with him. And I want to get pregnant and have a family at some point. When I talked to my ob/gyn, she told me that the best thing I can do for myself and for my future kids is to be at my goal weight BEFORE getting pregnant. Doctors have been mentioning my weight all my life but this doctor didn't sugar coat it as much.

If you DO want children, she should see her doctor and the doctor will tell her how important it is to be at a healthy weight before you start trying. Maybe that is the motivation that she needs to start her journey.

As for what you should do, it is a hard situation that you are in. There is a very fine line that you need to walk. On the one hand, while my husband is sweet and loving, I often wish that he had said something to me when I was gaining weight, because that may have been all I needed to think about it and stop it and get myself together. On the other hand, being criticized constantly NEVER works and only makes someone push away, and push harder. My parents constantly harped on me about my weight and I just ignored them and ate whatever I wanted, as if to spite them. So while you can't turn a blind eye, you can't constantly criticize and judge either, because that will totally backfire.

Also, I'm like her in a lot of ways- I get mad when my husband won't eat something and I say that I won't eat it if he won't. It DOES make me feel bad about myself that I can eat twice as much as he can. Or if he orders something stupid like a salad at a restaurant and then how does it make me look to order an actual meal? I totally get where she is coming from. It isn't fun to feel like you are the fat one and being judged every time you go to put something in your mouth. If my husband isn't hungry enough for dinner, I won't make something just for myself either.

I think the best thing to do is try to get her to eat better by making dinner with her. Go shopping and don't buy the bad stuff, or buy better version of the snacks she likes. Tell her you want to go hiking together, ask her to the gym with you, play tennis or volleyball or go swimming together. Whatever it is that you do to get yourself in shape, invite her to be a part of it. Do things that are exercise but that are FUN, not just hard work.

Good luck to you. I think you are in a particularly tough situation and I hope that it works out for you both.

hroush

I do and say what the last couple people have said, such as I never call her fat or anything negative. I always tell her she is beautiful, looks marvelous, etc, but whenever I say those things, she brushes it off and says she doesn't believe me. When the weight comes up, she is always the one to bring it up, though I have tried to get her to come to my cycling class a couple times, but I think she feels that everyone else will blow her away and I will think less of her, though I constantly reassure her otherwise.

She likes when I pick out her clothes, so the other morning I made the joke, " I thought you were a big girl." to which she replied, "you have 3 seconds to take that back." I quickly explained how I meant it as a child always wants to dress themselves, but I don't think she believed me. She just turned it into, "So you think I'm a child?"

She really wants to have kids (names picked and everything), but I am not for sure. We are both graduate students, so I would really want to wait till we are done with school. I think somewhere in her mind it registers that being overweight is bad for having kids, but not enough.

I have stated earlier that she has to tell me she loves me many times a day. It happens quite often in the car when nothing else is said. Sometimes it is followed by, "What would you do if I died?" I always explain how I would not be the same, I would be hopeless, so on and so forth, which she never believes. Better ideas on how to handle this?

I have checked into counseling on campus, but I have not brought this up to her yet. I am waiting for some sort of relevant time so that it doesn't look like I'm trying to trap her or that I have been thinking about it forever.

cutmd

^^^ yikes, she is really depressed, and it sounds like it is having way too much impact on your marriage to even consider having kids. Graduate school is stressful, and things can quickly spiral out of control. Especially since it sounds like she's starting to have death fantasies, she may already be toying with thoughts of suicide.

My advice - take her out to dinner (or cook a nice meal) and tell he you are concerned by the fact that she doesn't seem to think you love her, that she doesn't feel beautiful, that she is often angry. Tell her you want to know what's going on with her, and whether your marriage is in trouble. This could easily segue way into marriage counseling, which will lead to some type of help for her. This is really the most you can do in her current emotional state.

If you reach out to her in this way and she shrugs you aside and continues on her downward spiral, you should continue to work on your health and graduate degree, and at some point you will have to think long and hard about the future of your marriage. You need to be happy, and you do NOT want to bring kids into this situation :noway:

Rooting for you :flowerforyou:

ETA: maybe it's obvious from my post, but i think the depression has to be dealt with before the weight issue can be. Hopefully, taking care of one will help the other. If not, I have a long opinion on that subject