What's wrong with me?

Blooperss

I've been in this hole for most of my adult life and have been so depressed that I'm now even comfortable with it. I moved to a new state a little bit over a year ago for a job and while my professional life is going well, my personal life isn't. I think about my weight everyday and eat till I'm happy and content. I'm 5'4 and 160 lbs (recently lost 5) and my goal is to be 125 but even that seems so far away. I was 145 when I moved here but gained 20 lbs due to stress with the job. I don't know how to dig myself out of this depression that now feels like a close friend of mine. I don't think about commiting suicide but many times I think to myself that I'd be fine if life somehow ended at that very moment.

I don't know what's wrong with me? I don't think it's just my weight because even when I lost all that weight, I was happy but still never wanted to interact with anyone outside of work. I put on a facade at work so no one has any idea, but in reality, I go home and just lay in bed all day doing nothing, just existing.

LyndaBSS

I'm socially awkward. I get it. I'd rather hang out at home with my dogs than be with people, even family. 💙

auburngirl06

Hugs to you ❤️ I think you should make an appointment with a health professional and discuss all of this. As you hinted in your post your symptoms do mirror some depression. There was a period in my life where I could have written this post and it truly did help me to talk to someone and come up with a plan for treatment. Know you are not alone. 🤗

CourierSixx

Therapy and medication will probably help. As for interacting with people outside of work, I'd rather be at home or riding my bike by myself. It is just how I was wired.

missysippy930

I think many of us are like that. I’m a natural loner. I like being alone though. My husband and I are both like that, that’s probably why we’ve been married for successfully for 44 years.

I have two occasions coming up in the next two weeks. One with friends, one with my sisters. I’m not really happily anticipating either. I’m a homebody and content with that.

It sounds like you would benefit from counseling. Have you ever consulted with a therapist?

cheryldumais

Oh my goodness forgive me but you are all my people! I am a total introvert.

I agree that some therapy might be useful. I walk when things get to be too much. It's hard to get my shoes on and go but once I'm out there it helps. Remember that your size does not define who you are. We are so conditioned to feel shame when we aren't the size we feel we should be. You are a person of value no matter how much you weigh. 160 is not your happy weight and I get that but it's not morbidly obese either. You can do this. One step at a time.

try2again

Just chiming in with my empathy & agreement.

Truly, don't let the depression go. I suffered with low-level depression most of my life, but was always able to get by. I knew I likely needed meds & therapy, but always talked myself out of it for one reason or another- "I'm sure this new supplement/more physical activity/more daylight/change in circumstances will help me turn the corner." Now I'm 50, and the depression has really bottomed out the last couple of years as I've been faced with serious family challenges and perimenopause. A family friend that had failed to address their mental health needs ended up having a psychotic break that has ruined their life, and it woke me up to the need to not let our mental health slide. I'm slowly taking steps now to address things, but I sure wish I could have those years back and do something sooner. How different life might have been.

try2again

missysippy930 wrote: »

I think many of us are like that. I’m a natural loner. I like being alone though. My husband and I are both like that, that’s probably why we’ve been married for successfully for 44 years.

I have two occasions coming up in the next two weeks. One with friends, one with my sisters. I’m not really happily anticipating either. I’m a homebody and content with that.

It sounds like you would benefit from counseling. Have you ever consulted with a therapist?

You & I would get along well! My husband is always offering to take me somewhere, and I'm like, "No- you & the kids go and let me have the house to myself."

cheryldumais

try2again wrote: »

missysippy930 wrote: »

I think many of us are like that. I’m a natural loner. I like being alone though. My husband and I are both like that, that’s probably why we’ve been married for successfully for 44 years.

I have two occasions coming up in the next two weeks. One with friends, one with my sisters. I’m not really happily anticipating either. I’m a homebody and content with that.

It sounds like you would benefit from counseling. Have you ever consulted with a therapist?

You & I would get along well! My husband is always offering to take me somewhere, and I'm like, "No- you & the kids go and let me have the house to myself."

Me too! When I make plans to meet someone even I dread it until I get out there.

ladyzherra

Thanks for sharing. I feel that I can relate to everything you wrote here.

That feeling when everything is about your weight is all consuming. It made me wonder why I was so obsessed with my body. I discovered that losing weight or even just feeling good in my body at any size couldn't really happen long term until I pieced together why I was so transfixed on my body and why nothing was ever good enough. No matter how great I looked or how much or little I weighed, I was never satisfied.

There is really no reason why you shouldn't celebrate your body and love how you look at your weight. The reasons are emotional and mental.

When I am really cruel to myself, I ask "can I loveyself exactly as I am right now, with no changes?" And if I answer no, I make fixing that my goal rather than weight loss. And, you know what, the weight comes off. And when it doesnt, I feel that is ok.