Always last and it brings me to tears

whitej1234

Hi,
I really need you to tell me there is hope, because I'm losing motivation and on the verge of giving up.

I fought overweight my entire life but mostly in my head with doing very little to actually change things, and just watching the weight piling up. A few years back I pulled myself together and managed to lose almost 20 kg which got me into the "overweight" BMI level. This was almost purely on diet, not the healthiest ways and I stopped myself when I started seeing that I'm hurting my body. I managed to maintain more then half of it with periods of going up and down about 3-5 kg with having some irregular physical activity involved mostly for the calories intake.

About March this year I decided this is not working for me, I was too tired and not eating enough. I refocused on weight maintenance and physical strength instead. I steal eat mostly healthy but I skip the portion control and calorie counting. Instead I started training quit regularly with aerobics light training of 1-2 sessions a week of gym/class/pool and active on most weekends (hikes, long bike tours, long walks, city explorations, etc). I see improvements, my weight doesn't seem to flactuate too much so I am probably within limits and I keep saying to myself that it doesn't matter how the others are doing as long as I'm getting better.

But it breaks my heart at times. More then half a year of regular training(after a couple years of on and off training) and I always finish last. I'm the last is the local running group, I'm always being overtaken in the pool, I'm the annoying last person on the hike that everyone needs to wait for while she hafs and pafs her way up, I need to take a break every hill on a bike tour, hell I even finish last in go-carting and that is not even a sport! I never expected to be first, I understand some of the people out their spent their entire life training and are by far more disciplined then me, but how hard can it be to reach the average Joe that skips the gym more then he/she go to it? Or at least not to be the absolute last in all? Can it be that most of the population trained their entire life? Or maybe most of those who bother to do anything at all? I find myself giving up common activities simply because I am embarrassed, and when I don't I often come back home completely devastated and in tears. It doesn't help that I don't appear too overweight (I'm tall) so people are actually surprised when I just can't do it.

I don't know how to deal with all of this besides going back to my comfort zone doing non physical activities where nobody can see that I suck. Yes, I know I do it for my own health, but at some point this is just getting too much.

Is it ever going to get better? Will I ever feel like everyone else or is 20 something years of inactivity is basically dooming me to never keep up with the rest?

lorrpb

There will always be people faster and stronger than you. There are people slower than you, they just don’t show up for these events classes. Be proud that you are challenging yourself.
Just saw this on another site.

middlehaitch

Yes, it can get better.
6month of 2x a week training covering multiple activities will make peogress slow, but you will improve over time.

Are your runs better, faster, less exhausting than they were when you started? If yes you are improving.

The same can be said for all the other group activities that you are participating in, judge your progress by comparing your performance, all aspects, against your previous performances, not other peoples.

Yes it is hard to ignore that you are always last, but that shouldn’t be your focus. Are you enjoying what you are doing, do you enjoy the groups you are working out with?

You may find, instead of spreading yourself across a number of weekend activities, you wil do better focusing on doing one at a time and improving on that, then adding another.

You are asking a lot from an untrained body, 6month is nothing in the grand scheme of things, be kind to yourself.

I was 54 when I first started exercising. My SO was so pleased he surprised signed me up to take part in his annual 10km race. Hahaha, I hadn’t walked more than a couple of km at a time for years. It took months of solely concentrating on walking 4 x a week, no way could I run it, to be able to do that race.

It took me something like 95min to complete it, I wasn’t last (there were over 10000 participants) but they were starting to pack up parts of the site by the time I crossed the finish line.

I just about cried at the end, not sadness, but amazement and pride. I had gone out and done something that I would never have dreamed of doing a year before.

Every time you go out and and do anything, be proud that you did it. You are improving your health and abilities every single time you get out there.

Cheers, h.

spiriteagle99

I agree with the idea of focusing more on a few activities if you really want to get better at them. Twice a week of walking, swimming, biking, or running is enough to stay at about the same level, it isn't really enough to improve. If you want to be a stronger hiker, then walk 3-5 days a week. If you want to be a faster stronger biker, then try biking 3 days a week. Or if swimming is your favorite activity, then focus on that. Do other activities that you don't care about the results on other days, just for fun and for overall fitness and strength. Improvement takes effort and time but if you put in that effort, good results will happen.

Machka9

Take a spinning class. You'll never be dropped in a spinning class.

And you'll get stronger for cycling outside too.

cheriej2042

The person I admire the most at the gym, on the trail, on a mountain- is the person who keeps going no matter what and especially people who are overweight because they are trying to do something. Just seeing that commitment, that determination is incredibly inspiring!

And that person is YOU!!! Don’t give up you can do this!

Machka9

whitej1234 wrote: »

Can it be that most of the population trained their entire life? Or maybe most of those who bother to do anything at all?

Yes and no ... lots of people (like me) became active (although not necessarily "training") when we could crawl and never stopped being active. That said, I'm not fast. I will never finish first in these things either ... I'm just average and often back-of-the-pack average. But I'm comfortable with that.

springlering62

I totally get you. I did yoga for ten years. I was always the heaviest one in class. I couldn’t balance on one leg, I couldn’t do arm balances, I wasn’t the stretchiest one in the room. I tried. I always tried my damndest, but would fall on my face, if I could even get a limb off the ground at all. I had my days when I slunk out of a studio feeling like a worm.

When I got serious and finally started losing weight, I set goals. My goal for the new year was any arm balance, didn’t care which one.

I started wondering, “how can I make this happen?” I had no upper body strength. So I joined a barbell gym and started working with a trainer. The weight continued to come off as well.

Several months in, I unexpectedly popped an arm balance at a yoga class. I couldn’t believe it. I was so proud of myself. That have me confidence and I started hitting other positions that had eluded me.

Strangely enough, the reverse occurred. The yoga training seems to help with the weight training. I have a lot of focus, the flexibility helps with some of the machines and lifting, and the balance I’ve learned in yoga helps with bench pressing for some reason. The strengths of each help the other.

Can I bench or squat huge amounts? No. Can I do tree or airplane yet? Heaven help me, but no. I topple over if someone so much as looks at me. Ive learned to giggle out loud at myself as I stagger and wobble during balance poses. One instructor I respect a lot says that simply attempting a pose has many of the same benefits as accomplishing the pose. And isn’t benefits what we’re doing this for?after all, I have no illusions or pretentions I’d ever compete in either lifting or yoga.

But I am known in both arenas as that woman who tries really hard, and everyone respects me for that, and I am pleased with myself because I totally feel like I’ve earned it.

In the long run I’ll never be the biggest, best, or baddest in either venue, but I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished, and that is all that matters.

So don’t beat yourself up for being last. This isn’t Red Rover and it’s not elementary school. There’s no booby prize for being picked last. Instead, pick yourself up, pull up your big girl panties, and focus on improving one aspect of your workout. The rest will come, if you work hard. I promise you. I have fricking abs of steel under this floppy marshmallow 57 year old belly and the youngsters have a hard time keeping up. I even had one whisper in my ear last night, after I did all three variations of Pilates teaser instead of choosing one, that she wanted to be me when she grew up.

geraldaltman

One year ago, I was pretty much "finishing last" in life! I could barely walk to the bathroom, to my car or do anything remotely resembling exercise because of deteriorating, unaddressed hip joints. A year and two hip replacements later, I am track walking, pool exercising and water walking. I am moving, acting, enjoying and living more like a "normal" person than I have been IN YEARS! When I walk, I am slow! People older than me pass me routinely. When I feel it affecting me, I just remind myself (as if I really need to 😉) of all that and the feeling quickly goes away! Try to lose the mindset that fitness is a race, a competition. It's not. It's not about the people passing you. It's about what you can do to improve your health. Set yourself up to succeed and find ways to enjoy it. Do what you do often and consistently and in concert with calorie and nutrition monitoring and I'm convinced you will turn things around. It's about you and your health. Stay with it!

moonangel12

I have always hated the phrase “as long as I am not last” when it comes to races and things. Someone has to be last, and for that person, maybe finishing is the victory! I did a 5k this weekend and witnessed a wide variety of people out on the road (for all the races - 5k, 10k, half and full marathons). Look how far you have come! I know it’s frustrating to feel like you are always (literally) one step behind, but you are lapping those still sitting on the couch!

MikePTY

I feel a lot for what you were saying. A little over a year ago, after having been pretty much completely sedentary for many years, I decided to go out on a limb and join a Krav Maga gym, which is a very intense Israeli martial art. I was completely over my head and out of my league. I felt like I was going to die after my first class. My instructor now says he thought I would never come back. But I did. And then I did, again and again and again. And I improved, and I got better. And I am world's better now than I was back then. But you know what? In many ways I am still in the back of the class. I am far from the strongest, the fastest, or the one who has the best technique. I train with a lot of really hardcore tough guys (and gals) and I don't know if I'll ever match up to them. And sometimes, I am still last. But you know what? They have embraced me, and I've become a leader at my gym. I have earned their respect not by being first, or anywhere close. But by never giving up. They know that I am a finisher, and they respect my mental toughness, not my physical ability. It is quite crazy to see people in much better shape look up to me, but that is what happens. Becuase people respect those who struggle and overcome, and I am sure there are those who do of you too.

One of the greatest athletic accomplishments of my life was completing something called the "Determination Race" earlier this year. It was a 6.5km obstacle course/mud race with lots of hills and challenging obstacles and a whole lot of other things that pushed me completely outside my physical comfort zone. It was brutal. My gym entered several teams into the race. My team finished the last out of all the teams that entered from my gym. We finished more than an hour behind some of the other teams. Not only that but we were probably 4th or 5th from last of the entire race. Out of hundreds of teams. But that didn't mean anything. What meant the most was finishing. Was crossing that line no matter how long it took or how challenging it was. So don't let being last get you down. Take pride in the fact that you are still making it past the finish line.





From a practical perspective, if you want to improve faster, you would benefit from narrowing down what you choose to train in and increasing the frequency of training. 6 months is not that long antimez especially 1-2 times a week of varied training. Try to focus on working your way up to more frequency. I started at 1-2 times a week too. Then I slowly worked my way up to 2-3, then 3-4, and when I was at my apex, I was training 4-6 times a week. That is when I started to see much more rapid gains. But even so, it is still a slow process. So give it some more time and try to increase the frequency.

You ate improving, and that should be the most important thing. Not how it compares to others, but how it compares to where you were. And be proud that you are overcoming and still doing all of this, despite it being challenging for you. That is a strength, not a weakness.

jsparks4000

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I say don't sweat it. You are already ahead of of 90% of the population just by putting yourself out there.

simcon1

I sometimes consider group activities, but really enjoy running, biking, etc by myself—I guess the bonus is that I’m never last! It also makes it never occur to me to compare myself with others regularly (races are different, of course, but even so, it’s really all about the PR). I’d suggest giving the social exercise stuff a rest if it’s stressing you out and you can’t change your reactions—but there are so many things you can do without even being tempted to compare yourself with others.

snowflake954

Do exercise for the joy of it. I admire anyone who is out there trying. Change your mindset and keep on truckin'.

whitej1234

Thank you very much for all your kind words of encouragement, you stories are truly inspirational! I try to keep myself together with my small victories. Yes I managed to run a full 5K for the first time since forever without stopping (even if it took almost 45 minutes).

I thank each and everyone of you for taking the time and writing such lengthy answers. This community is awesome

cbstewart88

Many years ago when I was into "running" - I did a 5K on the local airport runways!! It was fun. I finished last. An old guy with a limp even beat me. (I use the term "old" loosely - he was probably the age that I am now). I have never forgotten that - and tell the story often because I can laugh at it now. I have always believed the adage: It's not the destination - it's the journey...

lporter229

lorrpb wrote: »

There will always be people faster and stronger than you. There are people slower than you, they just don’t show up for these events classes. Be proud that you are challenging yourself.
Just saw this on another site.

This! You are out there doing it, which is what really matters. I have the deepest admiration for the slowest runners in my running group because they are consistently out there doing it. Many of us are slower than we used to be because of things like age and injury, which makes for an easy excuse to quit. I am much more impressed by these fellow runners than the guys that were winning races in their thirties but no longer run because they aren't fast any more. Trust me when I say that nobody minds waiting for you to finish. They are probably more impressed by your determination than you will ever realize. Keep it up. You are doing great things for your health and likely your emotional well being too!

jrh_this_better_work

Yeah, I'm nearly always last. I've been running for about 6 years, and in my first "race", was literally last except for the 74 year old man who ran backwards part of the way so I wouldn't be last!

I'm probably not really going to get any faster. But I keep going because it's important to me ... just to keep going. And people are fond of saying, "You're miles faster than the person on couch." And while that's a massive cliche, it's also massively true.

Just keep going!

Djproulx

whitej1234 wrote: »

I try to keep myself together with my small victories. Yes I managed to run a full 5K for the first time since forever without stopping (even if it took almost 45 minutes).

Congrats on the 5k completion! That's a great milestone achievement.

You've gotten a lot of good feedback from others. I'll just add that the only thing that really matters is to keep going. In my case, even after quite a few years, my coach still makes me write down 3 goals for each event. The baseline goal is always the same: "Finish the Race". Seems simple, but that has been very difficult for me on more than one occasion.

Kudos to you for hanging in when things have been tough. The only thing others see is your determination, and that's impressive.

apullum

I think you’re being really hard on yourself. You’ve been working out for six months, and you’ve seen improvements, but the type of dramatic improvements you’re describing would take almost anyone a lot longer than six months to achieve. Even though it might feel like you’ve been doing this for a long time, you’re still new to it.

I’ve been running for about 5 years now. I started 100 pounds ago. I was last in my running group and on the last page of results in several races. But even in those races, I beat my own previous best time. I wasn’t competing with all those other runners, only with myself. Today, I’m training for my fifth half marathon, and I generally finish at or slightly above average in a race. I’m still just looking to beat my own time, and maybe the person right in front of me

Is that dramatic progress? I don’t know, but on a day to day basis it did not feel like dramatic progress. Performance improvements happen gradually and they take time. It’s sometimes hard to know whether you’re improving unless you’re tracking data and comparing your workouts. Stick with it; you’ll keep improving.

TheMrWobbly

@whitej1234 I love everyone's input and encouragement and they are absolutely right so need for me to repeat that other than to say congratulations on the 5k. I am going to play devil's advocate from the words in your initial post and point out the flaw in your argument about why you shouldn't finish last;

- You have been overweight most of you life which may suggest never having done a lot of sports previously
- Your body had almost no underlying fitness to build on
- You got down to be overweight but added 5-10 kg by eating properly, so possibly class 1 obese as I am,
- Started exercising 6 months ago from pretty much a nil standing point, as I did
- Joined clubs with people who were already way ahead of you in fitness
- Exercised as much as all those people who were way ahead of you in fitness so a similar percentage improvement for all

You see how it is not possible to catch those people up. If it was only a small difference then sure you have that chance though in reality over a short period of time like 6 months the best you can hope for is to be closer to them.

If I may give my short story - used to be fit as a teenager, professional youth standard football (soccer), ran for the county at middle distances, you get the idea. Got married, got lazy, got fat. I was at the high end of class 2 obese when I started training and calorie counting earlier this year. I ran my first 5k for over 25 years on Saturday with 552 people. I was proud to see I finished 32nd in my gender age group which made me feel good. Then I found out there were only 32 people in my gender age group so I was last. 30 years ago if I was not in the top 5 of the entire field I would have been angry at myself. I cannot undo all that damage in 6 months or even a year, not even two years, despite how fit I once was.

I don't know if I will finish last forever, I hope not as I am very competitive. The final thought I expressed to my MFP friends on this result was "Someone else didn't get to finish last for once and I bet that made them feel good". I am on this journey for me, completing the 5k was a victory, and one day hopefully someone else is last, they don't have to feel great about it but I hope they realise they spread a little joy in the process and so the circle begins again until the next person starting from the same position you were in joins.

To quote Baz Lurhmann's song 'Sunscreen',
Don't waste your time on jealousy;
Sometimes you're ahead,
Sometimes You're behind.
The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

BrianSharpe

whitej1234 wrote: »

Yes I managed to run a full 5K for the first time since forever without stopping (even if it took almost 45 minutes).

You were faster than the folks sitting at home on the couches!|

For many of us just getting to the startling line is a battle, congratulations.....

springlering62

Everyone here has such words of wisdom. Absorb them and take them to heart!!!!

slimdownt

SnifterPug

I suggest you compete against yourself. Time your runs. Time your swims. It is possible that you keep coming last in your running group because everyone is improving. Including you.

AnnPT77

I certainly can empathize!

When I started rowing, I was a 46-year-old obese woman who had recently completed treatment for stage III (locally advanced) breast cancer. I started as part of a breast cancer survivors team, so quite a few of us were new to athletic activity, let alone competition!

But we went to races. Yup, were were last. So last. In one case, we were so far behind the pack that the race officials' safety chase boat was cheering and yelling encouragement at us, because they just wanted us to finish so they could get back to the starting line and start the next event somewhat close to on time (they were nice about it). While I'm still unlikely to be first in any races, in more recent races I've been in boats that were able to finish in the pack, and even get the occasional place medal (helps that rowing races are small ).

Trust me, you'll make progress. If you gradually increase your focus and workouts over time, just by being consistent and persistent, and learning how to train most effectively for your body, you will surprise yourself with what you can do in the long run.

Congratulations on your 5k: That's a great accomplishment - so many people are too out of shape to walk 5k, let alone run the whole way. (Perhaps you've surprised yourself a little already. ).

Keep working at it, and you'll keep improving, and keep accomplishing new things. Go, you! :flowerforyou:

cwolfman13

For one thing, six months really isn't that long, particularly as you aren't really training in any one particular discipline. You're doing a variety of activities that are great for your overall health and well being, but you're not really "training."

I haven't been racing the last couple of years mostly because I was burned out from actual training, but when I was racing, I was on my bike training 5-6 days per week for that specific purpose. I could still go out and race right now, but I wouldn't be anywhere near where I was a couple years ago because, while I still ride, I mix it up with some mountain biking, hiking, rock climbing, etc.

I'd also say that when I was racing, I was really racing against myself and my previous times...I had no visions of getting on the podium or anything, I just wanted to see that improvement in my time.

Also, FWIW, I started out 7 years ago just walking my dog around the block. I got into cycling 9 months later. I didn't race until about a year after that and it wasn't anything pretty to be sure. I continued training and racing for about 5 years and made huge strides in that time...but it took time.

Djproulx

OP, this video has been around for awhile, but it still helps me get my head on straight when I'm feeling sorry for myself. As the clip says:

" For what is each day but a series of conflicts between the right way and the easy way?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbkZrOU1Zag

HoneyBadger302

Echoing what many others have pointed out, you're still beating everyone who's still sitting on their couch!

Being last is only temporary - if you put your mind to it.

I'll give another personal example of starting out last - more than once I might add.

With my racing, when I first started, last was all I managed. I stuck with it, kept working at it, and eventually started to move up the novice pack, eventually getting closer to the front runners. Then, my fitness (or lack thereof) started to hold me up, so I put in the effort to start improving that. It took time - several months at least - to even notice a difference on the bike, but eventually it started to pay off. I was doing pretty well for the bike I was on, and actually was pretty impressed with where I was at. This was all from late 2014 to the end of 2016.

I decided to move up to expert and get the bike I really wanted (which meant changing classes), and had lots of plans on how I was going to kick off the 2017 season.

Instead, I ended up with a badly broken leg (from a dirt bike incident) and wasn't even able to walk when the season started. I still got on the bike as soon as I could, but once again, I was back to being dead last in nearly all of my races. Dead. Last.

I kept at it, and a lot happened over the 2017 and 2018 seasons - I found out my bike problems were part of a bad transmission, I figured out my bike needed more money spent on proper set up than I initially did, I began to figure out my leg and how to ride with what I am left with, and then trying to start getting all that lost fitness back - again. At the very last race of 2018 things were finally starting to come together.

2019 has been another interesting year, but I've made good progress - I've got the bike working better, my riding is improving, and I've finally moved out of the "back marker" group and started to tag onto the back of the middle pack racers - all that after a rather epic crash earlier this year (my tailbone still hurts) and a move across the country, so every race I've been too since the crash has been to a track I have never raced before. In fact, this upcoming (final) round the end of this month will be the first round since my move where we will be back at a track I've raced at before.

Next year, I will be making it to the pro races (at least as a wild card) for a couple rounds (or maybe more - who knows), plus local races around those.

Back in 2016 I knew I wanted to make the pro races.....

It will have been 4 YEARS between setting that goal and making it happen. Sure, a lot has happened in that time, my workouts and eating have not always been on point over that time, but I've hung with it overall, kept my eye on the "prize" and don't intend to back down.

Naturally, there is a lot of negative self talk I've had to deal with. Add in some very real negative comments from other racers and bystanders. Sure, there have been more good comments, but it's really hard not to focus on those negative ones. It's not going to stop me though.

I hope you can find some inspiration to keep your eyes on the goal and not give in to that negative self talk. Some days will be harder than others, but don't let yourself give up!

whitej1234

It is so touching to see all your answers. I wish I could answer each of you in separate without spamming the forum but I guess that would be too much, but please rest assured I read each of your comments and more then once and they are truly full of wisdom and compassion.
You hit spot on with all your comments. Especially the one where I should be focusing on my own performance. I'm doing my best and will keep trying that.

There is just one point that repeated itself in your comments, that I felt I need to clarify. I didn't expect to become better then anyone being consistently active, in 6 month of staying active (agree this is not "training", poor choice of words). I expected, after 6 month, to outdo the novice, those who come for the first time, those who "pretend" to have a gym membership but never go, those that join for one or two sessions and give up. I don't have anything against them, I was them, it is really hard to keep my head up and not sleep right back into that habit (the reason I'm writing here now). But given that I saw so much progress that I've made since I started being a bit more consistent I assumed I should be much better by now.

I realized I will not be in the middle of the working hard weekly pack, I realize that will take years, but my starting point is so much lower then even a beginner. The average Joe I was referring to are my friends, colleagues, neighbors not the average running group trainee... And while I get the notion that most people are not active, the people around me that claim to do almost nothing are by far in better shape (am I in the wrong circle?). Is it the overweight? Most people are in normal weight range around me, I will give them that. Is it enough for a person to just be lighter (without doing nothing more) to be much more athletic? I have a hard time believing that. But I don't see any other possible reason why I would suck so badly.

I even developed a completely non-scientifically based theory that people who are "naturally" thinner are basically operating at a different speed in their day to day life. They cycle faster on the way to work, the walk faster between the supermarket aisles, they run faster up the stairs to their office. Could it be a basic speed you develop as a kid that has "always been thin"? I don't know, this is a very un-based theory of mine that just helps me beat myself a bit more over the years of not doing anything to change my life.

Neverthless, thank you again for your kind words, whoever you are cheering for in face to face are lucky to have you in their lives. Really.

moonangel12

I think excess weight does make it harder to move in general, even the 10-15 extra pounds I put on post-hysterectomy were enough to kill my ankles and shins. My starting point for running this time around compared to the last was far different, and much harder! Some people are naturally more athletic, yes, but they aren’t all necessarily thin. I have seen heavier set people rock it out, but I can imagine everything is harder. Pressure on the joints, center of gravity, flexibility, etc.