Foster Parenthood and finding balance

jljshoe1979

Hi, this may get kind of long, but I need to get some advice from parents and other people in my situation. My husband and I can't have biological children. We decided to become foster parents given our life circumstances (we may or may not adopt one day- I don't know right now). Up until a week ago, I stayed at home had a great routine for working out and had just changed my macros to work on losing the next 10 lbs. We have ~ 2 weeks before we get our foster parenting license. While waiting for children, I decided to try to lose the rest of my weight. However, a family member, who we aren't that close too was having a hard time and asked if we could keep his child indefinitely. We just got the child last week. This child is not in the "foster" system (it's called a kinship/relative arrangement). Due to this, we do not have the stipend (payment) coming in to provide for the child's needs. We can afford to give this child a very comfortable lifestyle, but I can't afford to put the child in daycare. However, the child is school age and school starts back this month. I am trying to maintain until then (nutrition and lifestyle wise). This situation was totally unexpected, and I absolutely need to put the child first. I also have an illness that makes me very tired, and my body has yet to adjust. What I was wondering is if anyone in MFP land could give me some advice on how to find balance with being a "new" parent and trying to workout? Also, if you happen to foster or have had parenthood thrust upon you, how long of a transition period did you and the child need? This child came with nothing, and we have got all the clothes shopping and toy/arts/crafts shopping done for a while. I am hoping things will calm down in the following days...

hookilau

Lots of things going on here...

Adjustment depends on the child's previous situation and takes as long as it takes. As far as the rest of it, it's simpler than you think...just take care of yourself & care for your newly increased family in the usual manner.

I'm guessing that reassurance is what you need here, because you sound very well like you know what to do, just need to push away negative thoughts and deal with situations as they arise. Even with children born to you, there are no fast & hard rules, or a rule book for that matter :ohwell:

You'll do fine Use your common sense and deal with things as they come up. :flowerforyou:

Vitamin_G5

Hi there. I've worked in the foster system for several years, albeit with kids at a much higher level of need. Kinship care is a lot different than typical foster care, as you've mentioned there is no stipend. Usually, there is already some level of trust between you and the biological parents, and possibly even the child that entered your home. The transition period (for both the kid and your family) is going to depend on so many factors that there's just no way to tell. Sorry. Openness, pets, previous history of trauma and/or neglect, and even random things like getting a hug during a bad thunderstorm, are always going to be unknowns, and so there's just no easy way to tell.

It WILL calm down though. It may get worse before it gets better, if there's a history of trauma or abuse or neglect. Honeymoon periods are pretty common with kids.

Remember that if you aren't taking care of yourself, it's that much harder to take care of others. It's ok to need a break, ask for help, and find a respite.

jljshoe1979

I think you're right...it's been a hard week for me because I've taken on most of the responsibilities. We had only planned to keep babies up to age 2 and this situation has been a total curveball. I do care for this child and will do the best I can. Thanks for replying back! Things will get into a better routine (especially when school starts because I can workout during the day).

xxnellie146xx

How old is the child?

jljshoe1979

Hi there. I've worked in the foster system for several years, albeit with kids at a much higher level of need. Kinship care is a lot different than typical foster care, as you've mentioned there is no stipend. Usually, there is already some level of trust between you and the biological parents, and possibly even the child that entered your home. The transition period (for both the kid and your family) is going to depend on so many factors that there's just no way to tell. Sorry. Openness, pets, previous history of trauma and/or neglect, and even random things like getting a hug during a bad thunderstorm, are always going to be unknowns, and so there's just no easy way to tell.

It WILL calm down though. It may get worse before it gets better, if there's a history of trauma or abuse or neglect. Honeymoon periods are pretty common with kids.

Remember that if you aren't taking care of yourself, it's that much harder to take care of others. It's ok to need a break, ask for help, and find a respite.

Thank you for replying too!!! I think I posted this in MFP because working out would help with my stress level, but seems like an impossibility at the moment (we did go to the park and spent 3 hours walking around one day). I think we are still in the honeymoon phase...it has also been a whirlwind week (next week will have lots to do too). I need some space/alone time...is it wrong to say that??? I want to go walk/run, but its been rainy. If I go to the gym, the child wants to go because they have a pool. I know things will work out, but I'm feeling really stressed and very emotional (the child is great, the "adults" involved in this situation are frustrating). I asked my husband to spend some time yesterday providing activities, playing, getting snacks, etc yesterday (the child watched 4+ hours of computer games/TV and ate Cheetos). His decisions didn't help me because the child kept coming to me looking for direction (boredom, I think). He didn't want to set up a craft or do a puzzle, so he kept offering tv shows/computer time. The child is really much more active than that and really smart and needs to be engaged. It's chilly and cloudy today, but I am hoping to get a bike and let the child ride it while I at least walk tomorrow.

I don't think we can use respite care because the child is technically not in the system...it's slightly complicated according to the experts (DSS, school principal) we have talked too. We are even going to a lawyer next week to make sure we have the right paperwork for the new school.

jljshoe1979

How old is the child?

9 year old

(I feel like the child should be old enough to do things by themselves, but the child doesn't seem to want to be alone - AT ALL)!!

jetlag

This sounds like the sort of problem all mother figures have. Childcare is expensive, so you need to consider other options. If you work out at home, perhaps see if the tiny wants to do it too, modified if required. Or see if there are other kids in the street. Approach the parents and see if they would like to have your tiny for an hour in exchange for having theirs. Cubs/brownies is another option. Or a sports team. Do you know what their interests are? Or go out and do something active together in lieu of a formal workout.

School holidays buggers up everyone's schedule, unfortunately, but make the most of the opportunity to bond with them.