Raising kids with healthy relationships to food
Luke_rabbit
Posts: 1,031 Member
What strategies do you think work? Are there specific things to avoid?
I clearly failed at this since my kid is already grown, but I'm wondering what insight the community has!
I clearly failed at this since my kid is already grown, but I'm wondering what insight the community has!
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Replies
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I guess I should've started the conversation!
1. Our mother never made us try a food or finish what was on our plate. She had been forced to do that and didn't want to do the same with her own kids. This seems like a good idea to me. What do you think?
2. We didn't regularly have desserts or treats. When these foods were brought into the house, they were devoured and you better act fast to get some. I still find that I have to remind myself that the sweets are available whenever I want and I don't need to eat them all right away. Is it better to have desserts, sweets, and treats available all the time?1 -
I've given up trying to figure this out. Here's my experience:
- My mother made 3 healthy well rounded meals a day (dinner always had a protein, rice (I'm from LA), green veggie and yellow/orange veggie). She allowed a small dessert after dinner like ice cream, but candy/snacks were only allowed on Saturday mornings. After school snacks were something like a grilled cheese sandwich. The minute I was on my own, all I wanted to eat was junk food. My diet was atrocious. However, my whole family was a very normal weight (more on the thinner side) my whole childhood.
- First child comes along and I swear I'm going to create a love of wholesome food for him, so no sugar was allowed to pass his lips for probably the first 5 years. He ate frozen mixed veggies for a snack as a toddler. I home cooked all his meals with healthy proteins, veggies and fruits. He grew up eating pretty much anything (including junk food after he started going to school and I gave up trying to control everything) and is now obese at 24.
- 2nd and 3rd child come along (only 1mo apart - one is adopted). I've given up on the strict food control. 2nd child goes straight from the breast to table food. Refuses baby food. Eats what we serve with a battle every night and now as a teenager pretty much subsists on meat, fruit and junk food. He will buy it with his own money. He will bike to Raising Canes if he doesn't like what I'm cooking and buy his own dinner. He's a rock climber and aerialist, so he's super lean, very strong and very muscled. Probably 10% BF or less.
- 3rd child eats anything you put in front of him from the time he was a baby. His idea of a snack is a sandwich or a bowl of oatmeal. Doesn't eat sweets at all. Tallest of the 3 kids and tends to get chubby if appetite isn't curbed by ADHD meds.
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I think the best thing is to not make a big deal about anything. Yeah, certain things need their limits, but we don't put anything off limits. My boys are 9 and 7 and understand the concept of food food vs sometimes food.I guess I should've started the conversation!
1. Our mother never made us try a food or finish what was on our plate. She had been forced to do that and didn't want to do the same with her own kids. This seems like a good idea to me. What do you think?
2. We didn't regularly have desserts or treats. When these foods were brought into the house, they were devoured and you better act fast to get some. I still find that I have to remind myself that the sweets are available whenever I want and I don't need to eat them all right away. Is it better to have desserts, sweets, and treats available all the time?
In regards to #1 we tell the boys to take as much as they're going to eat...if they want more they can get more, but they don't overfill their plates and they typically have a good idea of how much they want of something, so they usually clear their plates. I hate waist-fullness with anything. If there is something new, we do make them at least try a bite...if they don't like it, that's fine and they don't have to finish it and we'll just put it with the leftovers...but they have to at least have a bite. This has more often than not resulted in them thinking they don't like something but never tried it, to "that's really yummy"
In regards to #2, my kids have desert every evening after dinner and usually get 1 or 2 "treats" during the day. They both play soccer year around and both compete in archery...they're both super lean and very active, so this isn't something I worry about at all.1 -
Make it age dependent. Good parenting is a fine balance between allowing free decisions and controlling outputs. The end goal is to create a sense of autonomy and responsibility in their children.
More is caught than taught, so whatever you say - do.
Serve a wide variety of food with a good mix of carbs, protein, fats. Introduce a wide variety of tastes, textures, etc. A mentality of "try it first" produces good results.
I agree with not finishing what's on your plate, but portions should be appropriate to begin with with less favored over more. You can have a second small helping. Desserts and treats are less than 10% of daily calories. Small portions after dinner or special occasions.
The whole underlying point is creating behavior and habits that will hold throughout their lives through any number of situations.0 -
Growing up in a skinny family, I was the fatty. 5’10”, 150 or so. Not so fat, but the fattest in our family.
Didn’t realize it then, but we always had all carbs for breakfast (pancakes & syrup, oatmeal & brown sugar, rice & sugar sauce).
I needed protein and chased hunger all day long.
When I married, my husband wanted eggs every day, so I cooked them. He was used to 4 meals a day. Big breakfast, medium lunch. After school snack of sandwich or cheese, meat, crackers, etc. Small light supper. That’s how I cooked and how my kids grew up. Usually a small sweet with after school snack. One kid grew up with no weight problems, BMI now 18 to 19. (Common in both my family and ex’s family). Other kid had no weight problems for years, but now she and husband are both overweight, not obese.0 -
My parents cooked most of our meals at home. We rarely went out or ordered food. They made well-balanced meals that they knew we liked, and kept the portion sizes reasonable. We were never forced to eat.
We always had snacks and treats available, but we had to ask to have one and they were portion controlled...like two cookies or one pudding cup. Ice cream treats were common after dinner. We were allowed to have sugary kids cereals. We had treats in our lunch bags...small bags of chips or a snack cake. We also always had fresh fruit in the house and could have that any time we wanted.
I think the reason that my parents didn't have to worry about the treats was that they made us get out of the house and be active. We did not sit around inside and watch TV or play video games. Go play with your friends, go ride your bike, go to the park, etc. Even in the winter...go build a snowman.
So, I guess my parents encouraged moderation in all things, as well as getting your butt off the couch. As a result, none of us were overweight children.4 -
We've gon with the "you don't have to eat it" philosophy BUT we don't make special food for the kids either. They have free access to fruit (always on the table) and bread/bread rolls. They need to try their dinner, but don't have to eat it. If they don't eat it, there is fruit or bread.
We also talk about sometimes food and all the time food. They are only 5 and 3 so haven't got talking about why some foods are sometimes but they get the gist.
We also talk about eating when hungry vs eating because it's tasty. Frequently ill ask my 5yr old if she's actually hungry or just bored. Even she admits she's eating because she's bored. I'll suggest to her that she should only really eat when she's hungry but I don't police her. I just want her to realise why she's going back for more rather than doing it mindlessly.
We have also recently started having dinner together at the table, and there is a breakfast area too.
I grew up with you have to empty your plate and hate that philosophy. I refuse to that. Other than that we don't have a philosophy yet. I'll just keep having conversations with them and hope to not give them any major hangups.
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I'm not a parent and don't have much to say here but one thing I think can really help out with a family's nutrition is cooking meals at home more.
I grew up in the Midwest in the 80s and 90s with parents who liked to dine out...a LOT. We grabbed fast food frequently, visited huge buffets, went to Pizza Hut for a treat every week. My husband grew up around the same time but his family cooked. While we were both obese in our younger years, I think he just knows so much more about cooking, nutrition, different herbs/spices, a HUGE array of vegetables and how to prepare them. I think that put him at a big advantage. I'd only had iceberg lettuce & sliced tomato salads until my mid 20s! I didn't know I would actually like so many vegetables steamed or roasted because I hadn't even tried them.
A lot of my friends who grew up more like my husband (cooked meals at home being the norm) are raising their kids on Chick-Fil-A and Panera. I understand it's fast, can be easier, etc...and I don't think dining out is remotely bad but I think when it's all you know, it can limit your nutrition in a bad way.5 -
I'm not a parent but my mom was a SAHM. She cooked strictly whole foods and wouldn't keep any processed food in the house. She never brought fast food home either nor took me out to places that had fast food. It was either "eat healthy and finish your plate or don't eat at all". The end result led to frequent binging on processed foods at my dad's house (parents are divorced) and I was eventually overweight before I even finished elementary school. This continued on for years and in high school, I was obese. Because my mother was so set in her ways. She believed that kids should eat the healthiest diets possible. Yeah...BAD move. It definitely backfired. Thankfully, these days I'm older, living on my own, eating whatever I feel like within my calories, and 50+ pounds lighter. The binge urges are nonexistent.2
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SuzySunshine99 wrote: »My parents cooked most of our meals at home. We rarely went out or ordered food. They made well-balanced meals that they knew we liked, and kept the portion sizes reasonable. We were never forced to eat.
We always had snacks and treats available, but we had to ask to have one and they were portion controlled...like two cookies or one pudding cup. Ice cream treats were common after dinner. We were allowed to have sugary kids cereals. We had treats in our lunch bags...small bags of chips or a snack cake. We also always had fresh fruit in the house and could have that any time we wanted.
I think the reason that my parents didn't have to worry about the treats was that they made us get out of the house and be active. We did not sit around inside and watch TV or play video games. Go play with your friends, go ride your bike, go to the park, etc. Even in the winter...go build a snowman.
So, I guess my parents encouraged moderation in all things, as well as getting your butt off the couch. As a result, none of us were overweight children.
This is pretty much my experience. Although we did get fast food maybe once a week, but to be honest we were more about collecting the toys than the food! Also TV and video games in moderation. My brother and I were never overweight and continue to remain fairly active to this day. Hopefully I can raise my children the same way.2 -
I grew up in the 60's and 70's in Minnesota on a farm. We were very active and nobody was overweight. I've stayed active and have been slightly overweight--that 20 or 30 lbs to lose. I married and moved to Italy in the 80's and had 3 sons. Nobody is overweight. We are all active, but the eyeopener here for me is education. Food producers, farmers, everybody knows about food and quality foods. Weekends are full of programs interviewing everyone involved in the process, picking a different area of the country every time. People are so proud of their animals and growing techniques. Italians know what they're eating and why it costs what it does. For example: Parmigiano Reggiano costs a lot, but compared to American Parmesean there are production costs that you can't imitate cheaply. I hold a handful of fresh basil under my sons, and now grandsons, noses and say "smell this--isn't it wonderful?" I do the same with fresh tomatoes, and other vegetables and herbs in season. I teach about food. At the table I explain what I cooked and what product I used. My latest is Rummo pasta, or balsamic vinegar, etc. Educate your kids about quality and portions. You can adapt the discussion for the age of the child, or teen.3
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After 6 kids, I learned that every kid is different.5
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Realize that it is much harder if you and your spouse come from very different family food cultures or have very different food preferences. If you can get on the same page, it will be easier to manage teaching kids how to eat healthy food. Also realize that everyone is different. We had one child who ate anything and another who had strong aversions to the taste of certain foods and preferred processed foods that consistently had the same flavor profile. Same with exercise levels--some people exercise and are very active and others are not interested.
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My kids are all still kids so I can't say anything really about what works or doesn't. But they are allowed to have junk food, I don't forbid anything. I do limit snacks otherwise they won't eat their dinner, though. I don't really have to worry about them over-eating though, they peck at their food... unless it's hot dogs and mac n cheese or something lol. Kids are *kitten*, I spend a bunch of time preparing a nice meal, they peck at it. I make kraft mac n cheese and they gobble it up hahaha
As far as how I was raised, my mom has never been much of a cook. I remember a few meals that should would make, and I remember my dad grilling steaks and stuff sometimes. But I mostly ate lots of crap food (McDonalds, pizza rolls, etc) and I think I must have gotten burnt out on it because now as an adult (30) I hardly ever eat frozen convenience food, and I much prefer eating at home over grabbing McDonalds or something like that. I really enjoy cooking at home as long as I'm not in a rush. As far a food goes, I'm very different from my parents. BUT me and my sister have never had weight problems. The only time I've ever been overweight was after I gave birth to my second son, and it was only for a short period of time before I lost the weight.0 -
I am trying to educate my kids on what calories are, what carbs, proteins and fats are, and why each are important. I have 3 boys, each with different energy needs at this point. They understand that what I do for exercise and what I need for calories for a day are different than what they need, and I think they are starting to understand why. We have a wide variety of foods in our house from things every clean eater would approve of, to OMG! the bad foodz! We all have to moderate the foods we eat to match our needs. We'll see how it works as they get older.1
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »After 6 kids, I learned that every kid is different.
This cannot be understated.
I do believe that there are natural tendencies based on order of the kids - 1st, 2nd, middle, youngest, etc. My oldest takes a great deal of pride in his responsibilities. My daughter - also the middle child - is a very social eater and loves to take part in whatever anyone is doing. So if I make popcorn, she needs to have some too. We've learned to add a good deal of structure around meal times, so that we eat as a family, try new things, and ensure everyone gets an opportunity to lead in cooking.1 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »After 6 kids, I learned that every kid is different.
Agree.
My two children are adopted and not genetically related to each other.
Both raised exactly the same way as regards food.
One eats virtually everything (except mushrooms) and has never had a weight problem, the other is a really picky eater who dislikes many foods mostly based on their texture but could do with losing some weight.
I reacted against my parent's understandable but annoying at the time insistence on clearing my plate and eating things I didn't enjoy and didn't impose those rules on my children.
As long as they were prepared to try something before declaring they liked or disliked certain foods I actively sought not to make food a battleground.3 -
Good question! I wonder how much of our personal eating habits are a result of our childhoods. I know I definitely eat certain items because I grew up with them.. herring, anchovies and liver, heart and all sorts of things kids didn’t want to touch were routinely on my plate. Grandma made all sorts of things in the kitchen..
That being said — When i got older- i grew up in a house where Mom worked a lot (she was Wonder Woman) and I got dinner with $ left on the fridge. So I grew up on pizza and the deli around the corner. It was quick and easy. Fast forward 20 years and now I rarely eat quick and easy..pizza, bagels etc. I make most food from scratch and really like creating wholesome meals in the kitchen. Did I swing the other way to being OCD about healthy food since my vegetables growing up were canned corn?? Maybe. Maybe we just like something different than what we grew up with.
Either way — interesting topic OP!
So maybe if you want your kids to eat salad and love vegetables when they are adults — stock pop tarts and hot pockets. That’s what happened to me! (Joking)
😉 😉 😉2 -
The general rule when my son was young was that he had to try everything on his plate. When he was done he was done. Now that he is 15 and going through a growth spurt the rule is I buy one bag of chips and something sweet each week. He takes protein bars for lunch since he refuses to take a lunch. I buy bags of pears and apples, he can make grilled cheese or Nutella/peanut butter toast to his hearts content. And I make dinner he has to eat some mostly so I know he has had something with protein. I generally make stuff I know he likes. Lavosh pizza, pasta with sauce/veg/melted goat cheese, Asian chicken salad, chili, tuna sandwiches with tomato soup, etc. My cooking variety is not great at the moment, lol. He is about 5'6" and 110 lbs.1
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It's not only what we eat/ate but what our mothers ate. That's what my physician says. I am firmly convinced the way to give your child the best opportunity for a healthy relationship with food is to give them that from Day one. My mother entertained herself with playfoods and I am paying for it. She did better with my siblings and they do not have these struggles with food. Before I arrived, my mother lived on cinnamon rolls and chocolate milk and licorice. Guess what I like. Ayup. I have no idea what she was thinking but Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be like me right out of the chute. Give them the best start you can. That is all.2
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As with most parenting, lead by example. My parents, mostly father, used to say, “do as I say, not as I do”. Boundaries need to be set very early, and reinforced. No food should be off limits, or demonized. Teach them portion control, moderation, and about nutrition from early on, as is age appropriate. Don’t punish or use foods for rewards.2
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Don’t tell your kids they are ugly or dumb, or not as good as their friend or the neighbor’s kid.
Don’t make fun of their weight, whether they are over or under. Unless you detect an eating disorder, keep it to yourself.
Don’t act like you’re jealous of their weight.
Just because (sadly) you were often hungry as a child, learn limitations. You can’t relive your childhood so don’t keep a closet full of junk food and allow free access. That’s no way to show love.
Provide fruit and fresh veg. It wasn’t until the last few years I learned vegetables didn’t all come from cans. I’m still struggling learning how to prep them.
Don’t make kids clean their plates and force them to sit for hours if they refuse. It’s a terrible habit to break.
DON’T break out the “there’s kids starving in China” line on them3 -
Don't comment on people's weight. Not your child's, not your own, not a friends, not a strangers. Not even if you think they are not listening (little pitchers have big ears as my mom used to say). In the same regards don't talk about "diets" or other people's food choices.
I grew up in a household where weight and food was a huge topic. My mom has struggled with weight her entire life and was always on one diet or another. My father's parents would constantly comment on everyone's weight (including mine and I wasn't heavy as a child). I'm not sure I ever saw my mother's mother actually eat a full meal.
I have struggled with eating disorders since I was 15 and I am sure a lot of these things along with personality type played a role in that. Teach your children to have balance in what they eat (don't demonize specific foods or food groups) and encourage them to be active in every way they can.3
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