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SO/Spouse on board?

pecabonitaspecabonitas Posts: 151Member, Premium Member Posts: 151Member, Premium Member
Sooooooooo I’m an obese woman. My SO is an obese man..... well actually he just has a really big stomach. The rest of him is skinny.

Anyway I’m losing weight pretty well, and he is gaining. I feel like he is trying to sabotage my success by always bringing sweets, treats, and huge portions of carb loaded meals to me. He says he’s happy for my weight loss and he supports me, but I don’t see it in his actions.

I’m happy to report that my willpower has won out in every temptation, but I’m sad that he won’t come on board with me on a healthy lifestyle.

Advise please!
edited November 9
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Replies

  • ElizabethKalmbachElizabethKalmbach Posts: 1,221Member Member Posts: 1,221Member Member
    It takes a while for habits to change and if it's someone else's habit that changed, it can take even longer. Thank him for thinking of you and decline his offering with a suggestion of something you'd like better. Eventually, if it was a genuine thoughtfulness, he'll catch on.

    My husband decided to go pescatarian a year or two ago. I HATE FISH. Cannot stand it. So for a while, we just ate vegetarian at home. I had to look up how to even *cook* fish outside of like... canned tuna.

    Now he can bring home a tuna steak for himself and I have some vague ideas of what to do with it, and I make sides that go well with both his fish or my chicken or a well rounded vegetarian dinner for both of us, but it took me about a year of tinkering with my food planning and budget to be able to handle being mindful of MY choices and thoughtful of HIS.
  • 88olds88olds Posts: 3,107Member Member Posts: 3,107Member Member
    Have you told him that these purchases aren’t helpful to your efforts? Maybe suggest that he not make food purchases with the idea that you’re going to be eating half. Then back it up with action. It may be tough a couple of times. It was for me.

    But don’t jump to the conclusion that he’s deliberately trying to undermine you. He can eat what he wants. But if he wants pizza, a lot of people would consider it rude to not get enough for you. You don’t have to eat it. Leftovers can go in the fridge or freezer. If its something that won’t keep use the trash bin.

    With teenagers in the house, I just wasn’t going to rid of the junk food. I just made sure that I had plenty of plan friendly meals and snacks that were fast and easy to get at. You can work this out. But don’t leap to the conclusion of ill will on his part.
  • LyndaBSSLyndaBSS Posts: 6,795Member, Premium Member Posts: 6,795Member, Premium Member
    My husband was my biggest cheerleader. Just because I was on a weight loss journey didn’t mean he couldn’t have what he wanted. It’s a delicate balance.
  • JenniferM1234JenniferM1234 Posts: 173Member, Premium Member Posts: 173Member, Premium Member
    I've been with my husband since I was 21, that's thirty years now. And I've been yo-yo dieting since a few years before I met him, so he's seen me gain and lose the same 20-23 pounds many many times. He's gained some weight in his own middle age now, but it's different for him (or maybe for men in general?) - the weight easily comes off, and tends to only be in his stomach area, so an untucked shirt hides a lot.

    But he's game for whatever I'm doing, i.e. if I'm eating less he'll do so too (although his office has a well stocked kitchen so only when he's home!) and then when I'm back in the bad, bad "screw it, let's eat all the fried food in the entire state" mentality, he's down with that too.

    I mean, I guess this means he's an ideal partner for whatever mood I'm in?? But he's not a motivator.
  • pecabonitaspecabonitas Posts: 151Member, Premium Member Posts: 151Member, Premium Member
    It takes a while for habits to change and if it's someone else's habit that changed, it can take even longer. Thank him for thinking of you and decline his offering with a suggestion of something you'd like better. Eventually, if it was a genuine thoughtfulness, he'll catch.... .

    That’s very cool! That’s love!!! He changed his eating and you were unfamiliar but taught yourself and learned so you can be in his world.....
  • DanielJFitnessDanielJFitness Posts: 28Member Member Posts: 28Member Member
    Been through the same thing. You just have to do what’s best for you in the end. Not everyone is ready or willing to jump onboard with us. Hopefully he will come around but your happiness can only be measured by how you feel about you. Keep up the great work.
    Sooooooooo I’m an obese woman. My SO is an obese man..... well actually he just has a really big stomach. The rest of him is skinny.

    Anyway I’m losing weight pretty well, and he is gaining. I feel like he is trying to sabotage my success by always bringing sweets, treats, and huge portions of carb loaded meals to me. He says he’s happy for my weight loss and he supports me, but I don’t see it in his actions.

    I’m happy to report that my willpower has won out in every temptation, but I’m sad that he won’t come on board with me on a healthy lifestyle.

    Advise please!

  • pecabonitaspecabonitas Posts: 151Member, Premium Member Posts: 151Member, Premium Member
    That makes sense.....

    It sounds like he's not that interested in changing his lifestyle. You have to do it for you and he's not honestly obligated to do it, too. If you find that is a dealbreaker and end the relationship, that's your choice and I think a lot of people could understand it. I think it would just depend on all the other factors in your relationship and what he brings to your life and how deeply you feel for him.

    But really - when it comes to health, fitness, nutrition - we're all on our own. We control what goes into our bodies.

    If he's not the healthiest then it is likely he takes pleasure/comfort in eating these high carb, high sugar, calorie laden treats. It's likely he's not trying to sabotage you but just thinks he's doing something nice. It can be a pain to turn down all those things but you've just got to do it. My mom makes me cookies and sends them home with me and sometimes I eat one or zero. I feel sort of bad. But not bad enough to overdo it and regret it.

    People get confused too when you do eat some things perceived as "bad" or junk, but not other things. I deal with that a lot myself! I just think certain foods are worth it (the monthly cheeseburger or weekly ice cream for example) and others simply aren't, or do not have a place in my diet at all.

    I know the situations are different, but I am a woman maintaining 130 lb weight loss for years and my husband is a man who has gained and lost a lot too. He is also at a healthy weight now, but has a genetic medical condition that means he really has to limit certain things in his diet. He just found this out earlier in the year. Previously, I would bake him delicious treats and "surprise him" with special cheeses or other things when I came home from the store. It has been a difficult 6 months for me in learning that I can no longer "treat" my husband in that way. Instead I find other ways to make him feel special in the day to day. But I think if I hadn't had a long history of looking closely at my own relationship with food, I would feel even more frustrated by this.

  • jhanleybrownjhanleybrown Posts: 179Member Member Posts: 179Member Member
    When my SO (in my case wife of 20+) "exercises her leadership skills" or "advises me thoughtfully" about things like my weight or how I can lose weight, it's generally not effective.

    I'm losing some extra lbs. And a big part of that is not drinking. Which I really, really miss. She will often have a glass of wine. I'm jealous and I want some. And I'm resisting it.

    But I'm also ok with her having it.

    And...its not always easy.
  • ShortgirlrunningShortgirlrunning Posts: 509Member Member Posts: 509Member Member
    My husband has always been thin. So while he’s totally supportive of my weight loss we have had to come to some compromises.
    - He’s a big snacker, I do best with my diet when I don’t snack. So we only have snacks in the house that I don’t like.
    - I get to pick where we go out to eat 99% of the time so that I know I can find something I like.
    - I do the majority of our grocery shopping and cooking. He eats what I make for dinner. If he wants something else he has to make it himself, I don’t do it for him.

    It honestly also helps that in general he’s a pretty healthy eater and really wants to support me in any way he can. If your SO really loves you then you should be able to gently explain to him that you really don’t want sweets and other treats from him, that it makes things harder for you.
  • MikePTYMikePTY Posts: 3,422Member, Premium Member Posts: 3,422Member, Premium Member
    The decision about whether to pursue weight loss or a healthier lifestyle for your SO is not your choice to make for him, it's his. If you try to push him towards it, it could end up causing hurt feelings and discord. You can only make the decision for yourself.

    It certainly could benefit you to have a conversation with him about how while you appreciate him being thoughtful and trying to offer you food, that it actually makes it more difficult and it would best help you if he tried not to do that anymore. But let him know you are not trying to control what he eats for himself, just what he offers to you.
  • pecabonitaspecabonitas Posts: 151Member, Premium Member Posts: 151Member, Premium Member
    I feel you.... I love my wine but I had to put it down. It’s crazy how one night of dinner and drinking at an Italian restaurant I had the other night with friends had me feeling guilty and afraid to get back on the scale.... it’s what I love to do 😬. Watching My 600lb Life helps me refocus.
    When my SO (in my case wife of 20+) "exercises her leadership skills" or "advises me thoughtfully" about things like my weight or how I can lose weight, it's generally not effective.

    I'm losing some extra lbs. And a big part of that is not drinking. Which I really, really miss. She will often have a glass of wine. I'm jealous and I want some. And I'm resisting it.

    But I'm also ok with her having it.

    And...its not always easy.

  • pecabonitaspecabonitas Posts: 151Member, Premium Member Posts: 151Member, Premium Member
    I’m pursuing a healthy lifestyle for me, not him. I was just asking him to please respect my goals and not offer me all the things I used to eat that got me to almost 300lbs. I’ve asked him many times and he says he supports me but will bring home pizza and icecream for dinner. I’ve been using incredible willpower and restraint but I wish I didn’t have to lol.

    MikePTY wrote: »
    The decision about whether to pursue weight loss or a healthier lifestyle for your SO is not your choice to make for him, it's his. If you try to push him towards it, it could end up causing hurt feelings and discord. You can only make the decision for yourself.

    It certainly could benefit you to have a conversation with him about how while you appreciate him being thoughtful and trying to offer you food, that it actually makes it more difficult and it would best help you if he tried not to do that anymore. But let him know you are not trying to control what he eats for himself, just what he offers to you.

  • Chef_BarbellChef_Barbell Posts: 5,306Member, Premium Member Posts: 5,306Member, Premium Member
    My husband is slim and can pretty much eat what he wants and not gain. He also has a physically active job. So he has to eat more. His diet is not my diet so what he eats does not concern me. I just make sure he gets enough food and snacks.

    As far as him bringing home treats, I just fit it in my day. I usually have a surplus of weekly calories to be able to have a treat or 2. I never think someone bringing someone something as sabotage.

    Try talking to him about your needs and wants. It takes a while for some people to get on board for change.
  • ellie117ellie117 Posts: 268Member Member Posts: 268Member Member
    I know it's tough when the temptation/treats are so readily available at home. Have you talked to him about how this affects your goals and weight loss? He might be more understanding if he is aware of how much it affects your progress and mentality.

    My husband is a sweet eater. Fortunately his metabolism has kept him from being obese/barely overweight, but definitely not mine. He is very supportive of my weight loss and my efforts, but he will come home sometimes with "snacks." The other day he brought home a king-size Reese's pack for me and sour candies for him. I thanked him, but then only ate two of the Reese's cups and gave the other two to him. The 2 cups fit into my calorie goals, but 4 would have been too much. He rolled his eyes when I told him I couldn't eat the whole package, but he understood in the end.

    edited November 14
  • COGypsyCOGypsy Posts: 480Member, Premium Member Posts: 480Member, Premium Member
    Why don’t you just each deal with your own food and then it won’t matter what he brings home? When I was married, my food was my food and his food was his food. We were never on the same food plan or work shift at the same time, so we just did our own thing for meals. Once or twice on the weekends we’d sit down and figure out something we could both eat or go out somewhere, but otherwise what he brought into the house was of zero concern to me. Made things very simple on that front!
  • lorrpblorrpb Posts: 10,825Member Member Posts: 10,825Member Member
    Did he bring you these things before you started weight loss? If so, it’s not sabotage, it’s doing the same thing as before.

    Have you shared your goals with him and suggested what he could bring you now that would feel supportive?

    It takes people awhile, if ever, to change. I mean I started 5+ yrs ago and prefer to use a salad fork for eating all my food. But when my hubby sets the table he gives me a regular sized fork 90% of the time. I don’t consider this sabotage, it’s just normal absent mindedness or whatever. He’s actively supportive in so many other ways.
  • pecabonitaspecabonitas Posts: 151Member, Premium Member Posts: 151Member, Premium Member
    Sabotage might have been the wrong word to use, but I do feel he is secretly hoping I fail so we can stay obese together. It’s like he is losing his eating buddy. Thank you for your feedback. Great idea to fit it in my day.....😉
    My husband is slim and can pretty much eat what he wants and not gain. He also has a physically active job. So he has to eat more. His diet is not my diet so what he eats does not concern me. I just make sure he gets enough food and snacks.

    As far as him bringing home treats, I just fit it in my day. I usually have a surplus of weekly calories to be able to have a treat or 2. I never think someone bringing someone something as sabotage.

    Try talking to him about your needs and wants. It takes a while for some people to get on board for change.

  • pecabonitaspecabonitas Posts: 151Member, Premium Member Posts: 151Member, Premium Member
    Thanks for your response... it seems simple enough but we have been on a routine that’s hard to break. He’s sweet and just wants to make me happy but when I tell him this food doesn’t make me happy anymore he ignores it I believe in the hopes I’ll fall off the wagon again... lol
    COGypsy wrote: »
    Why don’t you just each deal with your own food and then it won’t matter what he brings home? When I was married, my food was my food and his food was his food. We were never on the same food plan or work shift at the same time, so we just did our own thing for meals. Once or twice on the weekends we’d sit down and figure out something we could both eat or go out somewhere, but otherwise what he brought into the house was of zero concern to me. Made things very simple on that front!

  • pecabonitaspecabonitas Posts: 151Member, Premium Member Posts: 151Member, Premium Member
    Sabotage might have been the wrong word to use, but I do feel he is secretly hoping I fail so we can stay obese together. It’s like he is losing his eating buddy. Thank you for your feedback. I’ve told him many many times my goals and new eating plan.... but like you said it will take some getting used to the change 😉
    lorrpb wrote: »
    Did he bring you these things before you started weight loss? If so, it’s not sabotage, it’s doing the same thing as before.

    Have you shared your goals with him and suggested what he could bring you now that would feel supportive?

    It takes people awhile, if ever, to change. I mean I started 5+ yrs ago and prefer to use a salad fork for eating all my food. But when my hubby sets the table he gives me a regular sized fork 90% of the time. I don’t consider this sabotage, it’s just normal absent mindedness or whatever. He’s actively supportive in so many other ways.

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