Having trouble finding balance

ChickenKillerPuppy
ChickenKillerPuppy Posts: 297 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I am doing great on MFP - tracking everything, eating at a deficit, losing weight. I’ve been doing MFP (this time around) for about 3 months. For background I’m a 47 year old female who is 5’4” and currently weighs 146. My goal is 130.

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I got to goal on WW about 10 years ago after losing 50 pounds. I mostly have kept it off, but every couple years I gain back 20 or so, then lose the 20. About 4 years ago I got back to goal and maintained for about 2 years. I felt I had finally figured it out.

Things got stressful/bad at work and over the next year I gained about 30 pounds - more than I ever had. I switched jobs and LOVE my new job but I travel a lot and maybe gained an additional 5 over the past year since I’ve been here, putting me up 35 and feeling just awful about myself.

I’m finally back under 150 and like my body again, and even though the last 16 to get to goal will be slow, I know I can do it. But here is my problem: I am terrified of just enjoying life and finding balance bc I am worried it’s a slippery slope and I’ll gain. I want to be able to enjoy my life and still indulge when it feels right, but I panic and get afraid that this is how I got fat and just deny myself.

Intellectually I know that for this to be a life change I need to find balance. And don’t get me wrong - my husband and I go out to dinner at least once a week, I allow myself to drink 1-2 days a week (counting everything), but an impromptu situation I didn’t plan for can totally throw me, and I worry I am not finding the balance I need to also just enjoy my life, bc I want to be back to a size 4 which feels like the wrong life goal.

Anyway, I have gone on and on, but thought maybe some of you could relate and offer your thoughts. Thanks everyone.

Replies

  • Hollis100
    Hollis100 Posts: 1,408 Member
    edited November 2019
    ChickenKillerPuppy wrote: »

    Intellectually I know that for this to be a life change I need to find balance. And don’t get me wrong - my husband and I go out to dinner at least once a week, I allow myself to drink 1-2 days a week (counting everything), but an impromptu situation I didn’t plan for can totally throw me, and I worry I am not finding the balance I need to also just enjoy my life, bc I want to be back to a size 4 which feels like the wrong life goal.

    Anyway, I have gone on and on, but thought maybe some of you could relate and offer your thoughts. Thanks everyone.

    I understand about the impromptu situations. I have several close friends who call out of the blue and want to have coffee or a restaurant meal, which can throw off my whole plans for calories for the day -- if I let it. I usually go and eat something that fits into my calories for the day.

    For me, it comes down to two things: I have to keep track of calories, and I have to say no sometimes, both to myself and other people. Maybe other people can do everything, eat everything they want, and still look great, but that's beyond me. Sometimes I have to choose the big picture and long goal over immediate fun. My two cents.

    Edited for one more thought: if you worry you're not finding the balance to enjoy life, then I would look again at your food and exercise. Wise advice on MFP says choose a lifestyle with food and exercise you can enjoy in maintenance, not a lifestyle where you feel deprived.
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    ChickenKillerPuppy wrote: »
    I am doing great on MFP - tracking everything, eating at a deficit, losing weight. I’ve been doing MFP (this time around) for about 3 months. For background I’m a 47 year old female who is 5’4” and currently weighs 146. My goal is 130.

    I have struggled with my weight all my life. I got to goal on WW about 10 years ago after losing 50 pounds. I mostly have kept it off, but every couple years I gain back 20 or so, then lose the 20. About 4 years ago I got back to goal and maintained for about 2 years. I felt I had finally figured it out.

    Things got stressful/bad at work and over the next year I gained about 30 pounds - more than I ever had. I switched jobs and LOVE my new job but I travel a lot and maybe gained an additional 5 over the past year since I’ve been here, putting me up 35 and feeling just awful about myself.

    I’m finally back under 150 and like my body again, and even though the last 16 to get to goal will be slow, I know I can do it. But here is my problem: I am terrified of just enjoying life and finding balance bc I am worried it’s a slippery slope and I’ll gain. I want to be able to enjoy my life and still indulge when it feels right, but I panic and get afraid that this is how I got fat and just deny myself.

    Intellectually I know that for this to be a life change I need to find balance. And don’t get me wrong - my husband and I go out to dinner at least once a week, I allow myself to drink 1-2 days a week (counting everything), but an impromptu situation I didn’t plan for can totally throw me, and I worry I am not finding the balance I need to also just enjoy my life, bc I want to be back to a size 4 which feels like the wrong life goal.

    Anyway, I have gone on and on, but thought maybe some of you could relate and offer your thoughts. Thanks everyone.

    Perhaps, at age 47, the unrealistic part of your goals is wanting to be a size 4? Not that doing this would be unachievable, mind you. It's the maintaining it that would present the greatest difficulty, imho.
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
    How many calories are you eating a day to lose? What is your current rate of loss? What is your activity level? How many exercise calories are you earning?

    I am not asking these things because you don't know what you are doing. I am asking to paint the picture of what you are currently working with.
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    boldknee wrote: »
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    ChickenKillerPuppy wrote: »
    I am doing great on MFP - tracking everything, eating at a deficit, losing weight. I’ve been doing MFP (this time around) for about 3 months. For background I’m a 47 year old female who is 5’4” and currently weighs 146. My goal is 130.

    I have struggled with my weight all my life. I got to goal on WW about 10 years ago after losing 50 pounds. I mostly have kept it off, but every couple years I gain back 20 or so, then lose the 20. About 4 years ago I got back to goal and maintained for about 2 years. I felt I had finally figured it out.

    Things got stressful/bad at work and over the next year I gained about 30 pounds - more than I ever had. I switched jobs and LOVE my new job but I travel a lot and maybe gained an additional 5 over the past year since I’ve been here, putting me up 35 and feeling just awful about myself.

    I’m finally back under 150 and like my body again, and even though the last 16 to get to goal will be slow, I know I can do it. But here is my problem: I am terrified of just enjoying life and finding balance bc I am worried it’s a slippery slope and I’ll gain. I want to be able to enjoy my life and still indulge when it feels right, but I panic and get afraid that this is how I got fat and just deny myself.

    Intellectually I know that for this to be a life change I need to find balance. And don’t get me wrong - my husband and I go out to dinner at least once a week, I allow myself to drink 1-2 days a week (counting everything), but an impromptu situation I didn’t plan for can totally throw me, and I worry I am not finding the balance I need to also just enjoy my life, bc I want to be back to a size 4 which feels like the wrong life goal.

    Anyway, I have gone on and on, but thought maybe some of you could relate and offer your thoughts. Thanks everyone.

    Perhaps, at age 47, the unrealistic part of your goals is wanting to be a size 4? Not that doing this would be unachievable, mind you. It's the maintaining it that would present the greatest difficulty, imho.

    Size 4 US is not unrealistic for a petite woman. It's about mid BMI for me at 5'3" (one inch shorter than OP). Now, if that's size 4 UK, I would agree.

    Two things: OP is 47. Weight loss (and maintaining that loss) can get more difficult the older we get, simply because the general tendency is to be less active, more sedentary.

    Secondly, being a menopausal or post-menopausal woman can also be a factor in making sustained weight loss more difficult.

    My point to the OP was that instead of struggling to achieve and then maintain a size 4 for life, perhaps an adjustment to this goal might be more realistic and sustainable for her. :)
  • Shortgirlrunning
    Shortgirlrunning Posts: 1,020 Member
    You should check out the podcast We Only Look
    Thin. It’s hosted by a married couple who each lost 100+ lbs and are now maintaining. They give so much awesome advice about all the different stages of weight loss, including maintenance and they are like fitness junkies or anyone who did something extreme to lose weight, they are very relatable.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 31,966 Member
    ChickenKillerPuppy wrote: »
    I was a size 4 (American) at 45 years old and had maintained that for a couple years, so I don't really think the last 2 years changes anything. Someone else posted in a different thread about needing to be careful of osteoporosis at my age. I have to laugh - maybe I am in denial but I really don't think of being in your 40s (even late 40s) as that old. I know lots of folks my age in good health and who are a small size.

    I eat 1200 a day to lose (which includes eating back exercise calories). I am losing about a pound a week (I know that is fast for where I am). I usually earn between 500-900 exercise calories a day (I walk everywhere + my running) and eat back about half, although it varies.

    Thanks for everyone's replies! I appreciate it.

    Forties isn't very old. I'm 64 later this week. I don't think of 64 as "that old". Nonetheless, I was diagnosed with osteopenia (osteoporosis precursor) in my 50s, even while obese. There are lots of factors in osteoporosis, of which body weight can be one.

    Just because you aren't "old" - which I agree you aren't - is not a sure sign that you can ignore health risks that are stereotypically associated with age. The best way to avoid those conditions is to be aware of the risks, and mitigate them.

    I'm not arguing that you shouldn't be a size 4; I have no idea. (I'm 5'5" and a size 6 now, so I'm not dismissing the idea that size 4 is perfectly reasonable). Just don't laugh at health risks, would be your MFP granny's advice.
  • MelanieCN77
    MelanieCN77 Posts: 4,047 Member
    My experience was these kinda of nuances just took time in the saddle to work themselves out. You find a level of activity that creates a TDEE and food habits that support one another. The weight that shakes out to might not be your magic number in the end, but stick with your deficit and just be in that as a project until you near goal, and then hit up the maintenance threads ahead of time so you'll have some idea of the different challenges people have found in that phase. The difference in calories at the end is not going to be significant, so decisions will have to be made on that balance and you'll figure what you are and aren't willing to tolerate as far as controlling your food goes.
  • dramaqueen45
    dramaqueen45 Posts: 1,009 Member
    I'm also 5'4" and totally can relate to your struggle of balance. In summer of 2014 after years of on and off diets, losing 10-15 pounds, gaining it back plus more, I finally clicked with MFP and over the course of 1 1/2 years lost 55 pounds and thought I had it figured out finally- going from 180 to 125.

    After that, balance was very very hard and I am now finding myself at 160 after a little over 3 years (and in that time I have had some major changes in my job = a lot of stress). Habits that have crept back into my life include picking up something sweet every time I go to the store, eating the sweets that people bring into work, and enjoying wine a few times a week. I don't want to totally cut these things out after I get back down to my goal of 130-135 (125 was a bit too thin at my age of 52- looked good on me at age 25 but I looked a bit too wrinkly when I was down that low). So enjoying life, having that piece of cake is something I want to do, yet be able to maintain my weight. I don't want to count and weigh everything for the rest of my life either.

    Right now I'm on the losing track again and at my age I do about 1200 (plus I eat back exercise calories and I try to do something daily). While losing weight I discovered a love for cycling so that is my go to exercise and it really helps, especially in the warm months when I get outdoors. BUT I also know that I can ride my bike 20-30 miles 4-5 times a week and STILL GAIN WEIGHT if I eat too much. It's so much more about what you eat for sure.

    I'm not sure how I'll figure out the balance thing, but I've done it in the past - maybe watching what I eat throughout the week and then letting go a bit on weekends (or if I know I have a holiday party coming up or something- just not worrying about it)? I don't know- I just know that I'm not as young as I used to be and I can't just eat whatever I want and maintain my weight (I maintained 125-130 for a long while even after I had children, and then the weight started creeping up in my 30s and 40s). Being post-menopausal is certainly not helping, nor is being hypothyroid, but it's just something I'm going to have to learn to figure out. Otherwise I'll have to buy all new clothes and I have already bought new pants since I was down to my lowest weight. :p

    As for the size thing- I wouldn't put too much stock in that as sizes have changed dramatically over the years. When I was in high school I weighed about 115 and wore a size 7. Vanity sizes have taken over and it just depends on the manufacturer, etc as to what size it says. I would just get to the point where you feel good about how you look in the mirror and in your clothes.
  • PAV8888
    PAV8888 Posts: 13,547 Member
    I see one person mentioned it, and I was also thinking this as a potential issue in your OP.

    You are currently restricting and are actually losing fast for where you're at.

    It is not surprising that being thrown a curveball causes some issues.

    And that's both a function of not having a lot of spare calories to work with to handle something unexpected, and also a side effect of the stress of restriction.

    Even when we're making it relatively easy on our selves there is still stress in achieving deliberate under-eating so that we can lose weight.

    It will take some time and you will have to carefully ease up somewhat---just not too much!

    My theory is/was defense in depth: putting in place structures/ activities/ setups such that it is unlikely for me to "hide" from a scale increase and making it easy to tackle it when it happens.

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