I had no idea that I’ve let myself go this badly..

rulzdood
rulzdood Posts: 1 Member
edited December 2024 in Chit-Chat
I had no idea that I’ve let myself go this badly..

So..I’ve had some issues in 2016 and have let myself go the past 3 years..I’ve gained 30kg and I look like a beach ball now. Back then I was still fat (125kg) but I could still ride my bicycle without too much strain unless I push myself or ride up a hill lol

Today I told myself that I’m sick of my lifestyle right now and decided to dust off my bicycle and ride again..I have anxiety, so going for a ride after 3 long years again was scary..but I did it.

I stood next to my bicycle and went to sit on it..my heart sank when I saw how squishy the tires looked..I lost hope and almost gave up and figured that I’m too heavy to ride again..I told myself that if I don’t do this right now, I will regret it..so I steeled myself up, pumped the tires accordingly and went out with my Spotify playlist; ready to calm my nerves.

The first minute was okay..then came the next 4 minutes..I forgot to stretch my body after 3 years of inactivity..my thighs were cramping up so bad..I managed to cycle to a dark place where no one could see me (it was 3am btw) and found a seat..I felt like passing out..I could feel the color on my face dripping out with the sweat from the 5 minute ride..I couldn’t do anything about the pain but sit there with my Spotify song blaring in my earphones..I felt like giving up and calling my family for help to pick me up or something..I really felt hopeless..

But then came a song from my Spotify which makes me happy whenever I listen to it..I felt better and let myself relax for 20 min..just sitting there in the dark listening to the song on repeat. After my legs felt better I decided to continue on..but I didn’t ride my bicycle. I pushed it and walked all the way to the canal where there’s a riding path..even from pushing my bicycle I felt like dying..got to the old spot that I used to chill at during those days when I rode..I sat there for a few moments panting a little.

A few minutes passed by and I saw an elderly woman jogging along the path..another elderly man riding his bicycle like as if it was nothing..it really hit me hard again as to how badly my body and fitness is right now. I felt like crying honestly..but seeing them made me stood up and ride again..

But it only lasted a minute because I came up to a small slope...I rode up and I was panting..I needed another break. Found a bench and decided to rest again..sigh. As 10 minutes flew by..I see more people jogging. I had to tune everything out and I kinda meditated a little. Took out my tobacco to smoke and fortunately/unfortunately I saw a sign that says “No Smoking - Fine $2000”

Well..that was great. I managed to pull myself up again to go back to the spot that I was at 10-15 min before. I smoked, (no No Smoking signs there) and felt a little better. I don’t know why smoking made me feel better but it did right there. I was able to relax more and looked at my watch..4:30am and the sky had a few flashes of lightning. I actually dreaded riding back to my home because there were multiple obstacles..and my body couldn’t take it anymore.

I told myself “f**k it” and ride again for 3 minutes before the seat on my bicycle dropped to the lowest point..guess I am too heavy..I gave up riding and just pushed my bicycle. Even walking for that 5-10 min felt bad..I was so tired that I took another rest stop when my home was just a minute away..I even managed to cut my leg while pushing my bicycle..sigh.

So..I made it home now and am sitting on the sofa pondering on my experience tonight..why have I let myself go like this and can I make things right again? I don’t even know why I’m typing this out..am I expecting sympathy? I really don’t know what I’m feeling right now..all I know is that I’m hopeless but I have to experience the things that happened tonight again tomorrow..

Maybe someone out here can reassure me that things will get better the more active I am? Would that help me? I really don’t know.

Well that’s all..thanks for reading.

Replies

  • Reckoner68
    Reckoner68 Posts: 2,139 Member
    rulzdood wrote: »
    I had no idea that I’ve let myself go this badly..

    So..I’ve had some issues in 2016 and have let myself go the past 3 years..I’ve gained 30kg and I look like a beach ball now. Back then I was still fat (125kg) but I could still ride my bicycle without too much strain unless I push myself or ride up a hill lol

    Today I told myself that I’m sick of my lifestyle right now and decided to dust off my bicycle and ride again..I have anxiety, so going for a ride after 3 long years again was scary..but I did it.

    I stood next to my bicycle and went to sit on it..my heart sank when I saw how squishy the tires looked..I lost hope and almost gave up and figured that I’m too heavy to ride again..I told myself that if I don’t do this right now, I will regret it..so I steeled myself up, pumped the tires accordingly and went out with my Spotify playlist; ready to calm my nerves.

    The first minute was okay..then came the next 4 minutes..I forgot to stretch my body after 3 years of inactivity..my thighs were cramping up so bad..I managed to cycle to a dark place where no one could see me (it was 3am btw) and found a seat..I felt like passing out..I could feel the color on my face dripping out with the sweat from the 5 minute ride..I couldn’t do anything about the pain but sit there with my Spotify song blaring in my earphones..I felt like giving up and calling my family for help to pick me up or something..I really felt hopeless..

    But then came a song from my Spotify which makes me happy whenever I listen to it..I felt better and let myself relax for 20 min..just sitting there in the dark listening to the song on repeat. After my legs felt better I decided to continue on..but I didn’t ride my bicycle. I pushed it and walked all the way to the canal where there’s a riding path..even from pushing my bicycle I felt like dying..got to the old spot that I used to chill at during those days when I rode..I sat there for a few moments panting a little.

    A few minutes passed by and I saw an elderly woman jogging along the path..another elderly man riding his bicycle like as if it was nothing..it really hit me hard again as to how badly my body and fitness is right now. I felt like crying honestly..but seeing them made me stood up and ride again..

    But it only lasted a minute because I came up to a small slope...I rode up and I was panting..I needed another break. Found a bench and decided to rest again..sigh. As 10 minutes flew by..I see more people jogging. I had to tune everything out and I kinda meditated a little. Took out my tobacco to smoke and fortunately/unfortunately I saw a sign that says “No Smoking - Fine $2000”

    Well..that was great. I managed to pull myself up again to go back to the spot that I was at 10-15 min before. I smoked, (no No Smoking signs there) and felt a little better. I don’t know why smoking made me feel better but it did right there. I was able to relax more and looked at my watch..4:30am and the sky had a few flashes of lightning. I actually dreaded riding back to my home because there were multiple obstacles..and my body couldn’t take it anymore.

    I told myself “f**k it” and ride again for 3 minutes before the seat on my bicycle dropped to the lowest point..guess I am too heavy..I gave up riding and just pushed my bicycle. Even walking for that 5-10 min felt bad..I was so tired that I took another rest stop when my home was just a minute away..I even managed to cut my leg while pushing my bicycle..sigh.

    So..I made it home now and am sitting on the sofa pondering on my experience tonight..why have I let myself go like this and can I make things right again? I don’t even know why I’m typing this out..am I expecting sympathy? I really don’t know what I’m feeling right now..all I know is that I’m hopeless but I have to experience the things that happened tonight again tomorrow..

    Maybe someone out here can reassure me that things will get better the more active I am? Would that help me? I really don’t know.

    Well that’s all..thanks for reading.

    Change is tough. You’re working toward a positive change, and it’s tough. But you did it tonight, and you can do it again tomorrow.

    I used to run, but I’ve put on a bit of weight and running got tough on my knees...so I started walking. Consistently. It’s helping, I’m losing weight, and I’ve picked a target weight that when I hit it I’m gonna try running again. If you love cycling but you’re finding it super rough right now, maybe try something like that? Get out and walk consistently and you’ll start seeing positive differences. Focus on making the small, easy changes first—make them habits—then before you know it you’ll be happy to get back on that bike.

    Whatever you do though, don’t give up. Just do what you can, and get those daily wins. You can do it. That’s what I’m doing, and if I can get it done I’m sure you can too
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