Can I/should I do anything?

Onedaywriter

For the past 18 months or so I’ve been really focused on fat loss and getting fitter. Lost over 100 pounds and I feel so much better both physically and mentally.
My sister is 55 years old and morbidly obese with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and knee and hip pain. The knee and hip pains prevent her from doing some pretty normal things (grocery shopping, housework etc). Her doctor says the pains are due to excessive weight on the joints.
I want to encourage her to start improving her health (want her to feel as good as I do!) but I’m afraid any discussion of health will turn her off. I’ve tried in the past without any positive affect.

Is there a good way to approach this or should I just continue to hope she finds her own way as I did? Can anything I do or say help?

fuzzylop_

I think she's got to want to make the change for herself. You can't do much to help other than support her if she makes that decision.

quiksylver296

Yep. You can't make someone else want it. You can be supportive of her efforts, but that's about it.

RelCanonical

It's a tough situation. They have to want it, and the only thing you can really do is offer positive reinforcement (only reinforce, don't try to enforce), and to make it as easy for her as possible to obtain that (e.g. don't put her in situations that make it easy to overeat, even if you're able to control it).

Lobsterboxtops

First off, congrats on your success. I think weight loss fits into the same category as religion and finances, very personal and shouldn’t be talked about unless asked directly. That being said, I think the only thing you can really do is model good habits and a healthy lifestyle. Trust me, she’s noticed your loss. She knows what you’ve accomplished. She’ll make changes for herself if and when she is ready.

Onedaywriter

Thanks for the quick responses. I feel like I already knew what the community would say when I posted but was wishing!!!

amtyrell

Remember how you felt 100 lbs ago. Someone telling you to lose weight woyld have probably had the opposite effect and ben demoralizing not encouraging. She knows she needs to lose weight. She needs to be the one to decide it is the time

lgfrie

I so identify with this conundrum. My wife and I have been plugging away on diets since May and have lost a lot of weight. My sis is early 60s and extremely obese with declining mobility and all the things that go with being way, way too heavy, including worsening bloodwork and so on. She talks about dieting and almost half makes it sound like she's on a diet, but then we see her exhibiting all the behaviors of someone who's in fact not dieting at all, and she's still getting bigger. We so, so, so want her to get healthier and are very worried about her but she just won't engage with her health in a meaningful way. We hoped that by setting a good example she'd notice and want to be part of the in-crowd, but that hasn't happened at all. We used to bring up dieting with her and she'd get difficult and evasive. All roads lead back to her doing nothing about the problem except complaining about her weight and how much it's made her life suck, while getting fatter. She is stuck in one of those brutal cycles of being depressed about her weight and then soothing her depression with food.

The problem, I think, is that dieting is challenging and you have to really want to do it. It has to come from deep inside, because food is not like alcohol or cigarettes, you can't just go cold turkey, so it's imperative to develop a strong sense of what's important to you and what you value more, the next chips and queso or getting healthy, because you are going to face that choice multiple times every single day. The problem as I see it is, you can't make someone else want to get healthy; they have to want it all on their own. And sometimes, people just don't want it badly enough to do something about it, even when the consequences of not doing so are dire.

kimny72

IMHO the most that you can do is:

If she's local, invite her over for meals, and feed her yummy, calorie appropriate food. Perhaps it will lead her to associate what you are eating with your success and ask for clarification, but it might not.

If she mentions struggling with her weight or what her doctor told her, ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Be very general like that, don't make it sound like you are presenting yourself as an expert or that you know more than she does. Again, that puts the ball in her court without really putting yourself in the middle of it.

Understand that even small efforts like that could sting for her depending on how difficult her relationship with her weight and her diet is, and what her relationship with you is like. Use your judgement. I know it's frustrating, I'd bet many of us have people we care about who we keep hoping will come to us looking for help and ready to change :flowerforyou:

NovusDies

There is a good chance that even if she was ready to lose weight she would want to get advice from someone else. If she has tried and failed in the past she may be very uncomfortable involving people who are very close.

Even though I am not the one that brings it up I try not to talk about my own weight loss too much in front of close family members that need to lose weight. I do not want anyone to feel like they are competing with me. I also do not want them to think I am judging what they are eating when we eat together or that they are somehow letting me down if they go through a rough spot or just fail altogether.

Very few people knew when I started this last time. I hid it for as long as I could. I actually kept trying to lie about it even after it was super obvious I was losing.

kshama2001

Onedaywriter wrote: »

For the past 18 months or so I’ve been really focused on fat loss and getting fitter. Lost over 100 pounds and I feel so much better both physically and mentally.
My sister is 55 years old and morbidly obese with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and knee and hip pain. The knee and hip pains prevent her from doing some pretty normal things (grocery shopping, housework etc). Her doctor says the pains are due to excessive weight on the joints.
I want to encourage her to start improving her health (want her to feel as good as I do!) but I’m afraid any discussion of health will turn her off. I’ve tried in the past without any positive affect.

Is there a good way to approach this or should I just continue to hope she finds her own way as I did? Can anything I do or say help?

Unfortunately, she is aware that you've lost a significant amount of weight, yet she's not reached out to you, which likely means she's not ready for your help.

Did your joints use to hurt too? That could be a gentle lead-in. But I'm not very optimistic.

geraldaltman

Continue to be a positive example with how you keep and try to improve yourself. Always be kind and gentle but truthful in your conversations should you continue them. Cite folks like me (I am totally ok with this); here is my story briefly: Until 2019, I lived for years with painful, nearly debilitating mobility due to severely deteriorating hips which being heavy absolutely did not help. For just as long I stubbornly resisted and refused any suggestion to seek appropriate treatment. At the end of 2018, I finally reached my "enough's enough!" point. Everyone has one. Somehow, someway your sister has to find her's and once she does she will do what needs to be done. Help her see that. I saw a surgeon who replaced both my hips in the first half of '19. I spent the next part rehabbing and then ever since trying to live an appropriate (for me at nearly 65) fitness lifestyle to lose and keep weight off for fear of reverting to that immobile mess I was a year ago and with the knowledge and hope that doing so not only extends the lifespan of my implants, but ME as well. I wish and hope for the very best for your sister and your efforts. I had sibs that never gave up on me. Don't give up on her!

Lillymoo01

All 3 of my siblings are morbidly obese. I hate seeing them that way and would love to see all of them at a healthier weight. That being said, I can't see any good coming from a conversation about their weight and strategies to help. It is their body and their choice and any suggestions will most likely result in negative feelings towards me. My plan is to sit back and say nothing but offer my support if they ask me how I lost my weight.

AlexandraFindsHerself1971

Onedaywriter wrote: »

Is there a good way to approach this or should I just continue to hope she finds her own way as I did? Can anything I do or say help?

No. For too many people food is an addiction, and you can't make any addict get sober and healthy just by wanting. They have to want to change. I had to first break my food addiction and bingeing habits, and once I had that dealt with, I could begin to say, "I want to eat smaller portions", and after I was okay with that (Took a while, as I had some very old fears related to adolescent food insecurity) I could restrict calories and just remind myself that in three months I'm a quarter of the way to where I want to be, that will be progress enough to see, and to have faith in myself.

AlexandraFindsHerself1971

NovusDies wrote: »

There is a good chance that even if she was ready to lose weight she would want to get advice from someone else. If she has tried and failed in the past she may be very uncomfortable involving people who are very close.

Even though I am not the one that brings it up I try not to talk about my own weight loss too much in front of close family members that need to lose weight. I do not want anyone to feel like they are competing with me. I also do not want them to think I am judging what they are eating when we eat together or that they are somehow letting me down if they go through a rough spot or just fail altogether.

Very few people knew when I started this last time. I hid it for as long as I could. I actually kept trying to lie about it even after it was super obvious I was losing.

My partners know that I am working on weight loss. Outside of them, no. I have ADHD, I've started many projects with great fanfare and had them peter off into nothing. So I want to just stay quiet and prove that I can do it.

liftingbro

Dealing with morbidly obese people can be a lot like dealing with drug addicts, you can't do anything if they don't want to change. You could certainly help her but she has to want to accept the help.

Onedaywriter

Thanks all.

I have to keep my mouth shut and my heart open. That is even harder for me than going to the gym on a cold morning or passing on the pecan pie!! But I will do it and hope she has her own aha moment! If that happens, I know she will have to find her own way so I’ll answer when asked and only if asked.
Funny how writing that down makes me feel better.