Spouse not supportive
MominTX80
Posts: 12 Member
So I love my husband and we have fun together. But when it comes to health and fitness he is not very supportive. I’ve always been into exercise since I was in middle school. I don’t always have a lot of time to exercise but I try to get in as much as I can (which is only 2-3 times a week). But my husband doesn’t like to exercise and he has even criticized me for running or going to the gym, I think out of his own guilt. Do any of you find it harder to stay motivated if you have someone going against what you’re doing? I feel I need a workout partner to help me stay motivated.
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Absolutely! We have 4 kids and the pregnancies were all tough. My wife has a pain of some sort constantly so the idea of exercise was not appealing to her. My 4 year journey at first was solo. Recently she has started to exercise at home and sometimes at the Y. My struggle is to find the right way to encourage her verbally. Or not too lol.
What worked for me was start with exercises I could do at home so I was not away from the house.
Next I started going to the gym but was mindful to go before she was awake or after all my responsibilities at home were completed. Sometimes incorporating getting the groceries etc.
Regardless keep going.
Do the right things for the right reasons!8 -
I think weight loss and fitness are solitary pursuits. I do a couple of group activities but the participation of the other folks is baked in the cake so to speak.
I find that particating on these message boards is enough to keep me focused. Trying to engage friends and family in my program just invites a lot of noise. The principles underlying weight loss are simple but incorporating them into our lives is complicated. Involving another person would be complicated X2.9 -
I think his criticizing you for bettering your health is out of line. I would sit him down and have a long talk about expectations.6
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I agree that criticizing you is wrong. Direct communication is needed or else it may get worse.
Keep doing what you're doing (and more if possible) for your health. That's something that is valuable and can't be taken back. If your spouse doesn't participate with you then that's his choice, but being negative towards YOU for it is wrong.5 -
It could very well be guilt.
You can only control yourself.
Let him know his comments are not welcome, or helpful. Don’t let them keep you from staying active.4 -
Thank you for your comments, yes I feel like I try to exercise when he’s not around so I can avoid negative comments. My teens (from my prior marriage) help me stay motivated since they are all athletic - which is good. Yes, I have to gather up the courage to confront him in this. I don’t like confronting people.10
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Thank you for your comments, yes I feel like I try to exercise when he’s not around so I can avoid negative comments. My teens (from my prior marriage) help me stay motivated since they are all athletic - which is good. Yes, I have to gather up the courage to confront him in this. I don’t like confronting people.
Try to think of it as more of communication. It doesn't have to have a negative connotation. Just express how you feel in a direct neutral manner.8 -
Your spouse should be supportive even if his goals are not aligned with yours right now. I am not saying he should actively work to motivate you to do what you do because as @88olds says these are solitary pursuits. He should not be a detriment though.
Of course no one is the ideal spouse 100 percent of the time.
I do not find it hard to be motivated to be who I am even when I am the one not wanting me to do something. I know it is often a negative word but I like it so when anything stands in my way I remind myself that I am relentless. I might not always do everything right. I might have bad days and fail altogether. I might be agitated with something someone said to me. I might not feel like getting up early to get it done. None of it matters. I am relentless. I will push forward.2 -
the only suggestion I have is to exercise but not talk about it a lot of or at all. It is a strange thing when a loved one isn't supportive.. we think by talking about our fitness goals more and showing how important it is to us and will inspire them jump on board or at least be supportive. Actually it I has the opposite affect... some may feel we are hinting to them to make a change..so they joke and criticize.6
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elisa123gal wrote: »the only suggestion I have is to exercise but not talk about it a lot of or at all. It is a strange thing when a loved one isn't supportive.. we think by talking about our fitness goals more and showing how important it is to us and will inspire them jump on board or at least be supportive. Actually it I has the opposite affect... some may feel we are hinting to them to make a change..so they joke and criticize.
Definitely this too. I love my wife and encourage her to pursue her health goals on her terms. I remind her that we each have to find our own path. Even still when I talk about something I am doing she will occasionally turn it into a critique about her even when I never meant it. She is self-judging by comparing herself to me and mistakenly thinking I am doing it. So I keep fitness conversation to a minimum. I am excited about what I am doing right now but I have to contain it and keep myself censored.6 -
elisa123gal wrote: »the only suggestion I have is to exercise but not talk about it a lot of or at all. It is a strange thing when a loved one isn't supportive.. we think by talking about our fitness goals more and showing how important it is to us and will inspire them jump on board or at least be supportive. Actually it I has the opposite affect... some may feel we are hinting to them to make a change..so they joke and criticize.
100% Agree! BANG ON. He is dealing with his own problems. You are not the issue and confronting him will make it worse. You don't deserve the criticism but meh. Take it and move on. Also discussing your progress may make him feel worse.
At my home the less I talked about my progress and effort the more I became an example and leader at my home. Now 2 out of 4 kids are on a fitness path and my wife is setting out on one.2 -
Yes I had knock out drag out fights to go to gym and walk. Finally I said I have to fight my head all day every day to not eat badly I don’t need to fight you to I want your support or I’m just gonna keep doing it!0
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Absolutely! We have 4 kids and the pregnancies were all tough. My wife has a pain of some sort constantly so the idea of exercise was not appealing to her. My 4 year journey at first was solo. Recently she has started to exercise at home and sometimes at the Y. My struggle is to find the right way to encourage her verbally. Or not too lol.
What worked for me was start with exercises I could do at home so I was not away from the house.
Next I started going to the gym but was mindful to go before she was awake or after all my responsibilities at home were completed. Sometimes incorporating getting the groceries etc.
Regardless keep going.
Do the right things for the right reasons!
You sound very mindful of your wife. That is very nice.Absolutely! We have 4 kids and the pregnancies were all tough. My wife has a pain of some sort constantly so the idea of exercise was not appealing to her. My 4 year journey at first was solo. Recently she has started to exercise at home and sometimes at the Y. My struggle is to find the right way to encourage her verbally. Or not too lol.
What worked for me was start with exercises I could do at home so I was not away from the house.
Next I started going to the gym but was mindful to go before she was awake or after all my responsibilities at home were completed. Sometimes incorporating getting the groceries etc.
Regardless keep going.
Do the right things for the right reasons!
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Keep going, you do you.
From the perspective of feeling criticised and defensive - while I was pregnant, and then when the kids were small, the friends that I used to go running with got into loads of other sports and running groups. They basically eclipsed my fitness by 100%. At a time when I was tired and sore all the time, and didn't recognise myself, all I kept doing was comparing myself to them being so much fitter than me, and my memories of being so much fitter myself. It was all in my head, they didn't remotely intend to make me feel bad, but I was put off the idea of exercising with them, and got defensive about it because I felt so bad about myself. If there's a real difference in your fitness levels that might be discouraging just by example, (which isn't on you) and it might be a case of finding friends to talk about it with, and focusing on what you enjoy doing together to take the pressure off. It does sound like he's lashing out because he's feeling defensive or ignored, and that's in his head, but you might be able to take the focus off it and get less stress that way.2 -
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10134341/you-arent-always-going-to-get-support/p1So I love my husband and we have fun together. But when it comes to health and fitness he is not very supportive. I’ve always been into exercise since I was in middle school. I don’t always have a lot of time to exercise but I try to get in as much as I can (which is only 2-3 times a week). But my husband doesn’t like to exercise and he has even criticized me for running or going to the gym, I think out of his own guilt. Do any of you find it harder to stay motivated if you have someone going against what you’re doing? I feel I need a workout partner to help me stay motivated.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I think it is important to sit down and think about this especially I see you are non confrontational like me! If it’s to a level it really interferes with you working out and your relationship then it’s time to talk in a very chill way. That way no one gets defensive ( like well you get exercise time and I get no time alone type of comments) and another thing I had to realize bc I tried to involve him. That this was me just me on this journey and I was going to be doing it with or without his support. He’d purposely buy foods he knew I wasn’t eating to taunt me with. I had to tell him to stop. I tried working out at home, taking kids with me etc none of it worked so I just had to build myself the mental stamina to push forward, honestly times I’d be crying and walking but I was still doing it. It was very hard mentally but then one day many months later he said do you want me to measure your serving for dinner? I noticed you didn’t walk today, are you gonna go later? While very small gesture he noticed I was in better mood after I exercise! He liked that. He saw it wasn’t some passing thing this time. It was consistency and daily doing it. Honestly some days I’d want to say “kitten” this it’s not worth it. But then my hard work started to change my body and I liked that, and I had more energy and stamina in the bedroom he liked that. So just do you! He will come around eventually!1
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My husband does not always understand or support, but I have made it clear to him that it is important to me. Working out makes me feel better about myself. He is ok with it as long as I don't take it to the extreme. He is against me doing competitions or too heavy lifting (afraid of serious injury). We also have to make agreements on how much time I spend away from home working out and a weight range. If I fall below the accepted range, he will be upset and tell me to stop or slow down. It's a compromise.1
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DancingMoosie wrote: »My husband does not always understand or support, but I have made it clear to him that it is important to me. Working out makes me feel better about myself. He is ok with it as long as I don't take it to the extreme. He is against me doing competitions or too heavy lifting (afraid of serious injury). We also have to make agreements on how much time I spend away from home working out and a weight range. If I fall below the accepted range, he will be upset and tell me to stop or slow down. It's a compromise.
@DancingMoosie you sound like a confident, mature individual who respects and loves thier spouse. And your partner sounds like they are supportive and genuinely concerned for your health. Keep it up.
A marriage takes two. My wife monitors my effort, focus and eating, to help me make sure I don't start obsessing and keep my priorities straight. Her opinion is the most important to me. I welcome her input.0 -
I only skimmed the replies but that's pretty sad when he makes you feel bad for wanting to improve yourself.
It'd be different if you were preaching to him nonstop but all you're wanting from him is a little understanding and support. TBH, it would stop being a source of conversation if I was in your place. If you want a health buddy, I'm sure there are lots of other places to connect with somebody who has the same type of goals.
Good luck and please don't let him undermine the changes you're making!!!2
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