Well you looked fine before!

Gaygirl2120

I’ve noticed this done constantly and I don’t really understand it. Someone shows a before and after pic and they are so proud of how far they have come and all their hard work. Most people congratulate them & are super positive. But a certain group of people will always go “I thought you looked fine before”. Why say that? It’s not helpful. I know most people (not everyone) means well by saying this. But please understand it can also be like a slap in the face. Someone who is working hard to get healthy and improve themselves in any way whether it’s physically, mentally, financially, education wise etc. should be encouraged. Not told “Well you looked fine before.” If someone told you they wanted to go to school to provide a better life for themselves would you tell them they are just fine where they are now too? Since when is progress a bad thing?

springlering62

Well, what would you have them do? Respond,”well, thank heavens you did something, because you were a fat dumpy beyotch before?”

People are naturally polite and want to avoid confrontation.

I guess I’m lucky. I still have a family member I’m pretty much quoting there, so I guess I should be grateful for their honesty. Ummm.....no.

springlering62

I should qualify that by saying, I am sitting in my car, waiting for a dental assistant to come fetch me for oral surgery follow up. I am not in the best of moods, lol.

Gaygirl2120

springlering62 wrote: »

Well, what would you have them do? Respond,”well, thank heavens you did something, because you were a fat dumpy beyotch before?”

People are naturally polite and want to avoid confrontation.

I guess I’m lucky. I still have a family member I’m pretty much quoting there, so I guess I should be grateful for their honesty. Ummm.....no.

I would just tell them they look great and not even mention the before 🤷🏽‍♀️

AnnPT77

If all they say is "you looked better/fine before", then yes. If they say something like "You've always looked good, and you look really great now" or some variation on that theme, I don't see why that's horrible. (That may've been what you meant; I wasn't clear from reading your post.)

Maybe I'm oversensitive about people critiquing graceless/inept remarks, though: As a cancer survivor active in support groups, I've noticed there is a small segment of survivors who critique other people's well-meaning remarks as not being the support they need. Thing is, the well-meaning remark that offends person A is sometimes exactly what person B says they would like to hear. Samesies with well-meaning remarks to grieving people (I was a young widow): One person's view of what's supportive is another's view of what's wounding.

Since going through some of that, I try to read the underlying intentions of the person speaking, and hear the sentiment more than the words . . . and if it's toxic, I file that away in my "how I understand their character" file for future cautionary reference. No point in letting resentful, envious, undermining, or otherwise toxic people get under my skin - doesn't help me, doesn't improve them, - I try to remind myself how awful it would be to live inside a psyche that's that negative, and feel kinda sorry for them. YMMV.

springlering62

Touché @AnnPT77 . I return the virtual hug and thank you for the inspiration in your own post.

bobsburgersfan

I don't know your story - I'm guessing if you hear this a lot you weren't significantly overweight (or underweight), and that you truly did look good before! My guess is that a lot of the people who make this comment say it because they DON'T want to insult you - because they don't want their compliment to imply that you looked bad before. (Of course, I'm sure some of the comments are motivated by jealousy or other less positive things, and that's where you follow the great advice from AnnPT77.)

That said, the response you suggested is the best. Just the compliment with no extra commentary!

Gaygirl2120

bobsburgersfan wrote: »

I don't know your story - I'm guessing if you hear this a lot you weren't significantly overweight (or underweight), and that you truly did look good before! My guess is that a lot of the people who make this comment say it because they DON'T want to insult you - because they don't want their compliment to imply that you looked bad before. (Of course, I'm sure some of the comments are motivated by jealousy or other less positive things, and that's where you follow the great advice from AnnPT77.)

That said, the response you suggested is the best. Just the compliment with no extra commentary!

Well here is my personal before and after. I think I was heavy, but not obese before.



But it’s not just me that gets these comments. I belong to a lot of fitness/weight loss groups and I see those types of comments often. But I agree with you 😊

springlering62

What are you talking about? You were drop dead gorgeous before! Keep those compliments and hug them close!

Gaygirl2120

springlering62 wrote: »

What are you talking about? You were drop dead gorgeous before! Keep those compliments and hug them close!

Thank you. But the person in the first pic was not the least bit active, lived on junk food and was super unhealthy. She couldn’t go up a flight of stairs without being winded. So I’m super proud of the newer version and how she worked so hard and completely changed her lifestyle. Now I’m running up those stairs!

AnnPT77

Jax2120 wrote: »

springlering62 wrote: »

What are you talking about? You were drop dead gorgeous before! Keep those compliments and hug them close!

Thank you. But the person in the first pic was not the least bit active, lived on junk food and was super unhealthy. She couldn’t go up a flight of stairs without being winded. So I’m super proud of the newer version and how she worked so hard and completely changed her lifestyle. Now I’m running up those stairs!

And you have every reason to be proud: You worked hard, and it shows!

In the "before" picture, you're a very pretty woman, well-dressed and made up, and within a weight range that many these days consider very normal. In the "after" picture, you're clearly slimmer, fitter and stronger, which is a wonderful accomplishment

It's harder for us (or your acquaintances) to see the increased healthfulness (though I know you feel it), but as a 64-year-old li'l ol' lady, with similar-aged friends of varying histories, I'll say this with confidence: The you of 20 or 30 or 40 years from now will almost certainly be stronger, more attractive, more independent, healthier and generally happier because of the changes in eating and activity habits that you've made now.

Well done! :flowerforyou:

Talan79

People say things without thinking.
I’m 5”2, athletic build. I was 125 for the majority of my adult life but was able to diet down to 118.
My moms friend of over 45 years who has known me since I was born told me “you didn’t need to lose weight but you look better now”.
I was really upset after given my history of disordered eating behavior but I brushed it off.
I’m short, so any weight loss people act as if I’ve lost 40 pounds vs 5-7. I just ignore it bc it’s always the case with being short and fluctuating.

bobsburgersfan

Dang, girl, that's impressive! Yes, you are beautiful in that before photo, but there's an obvious difference between then and now. I don't really know why people wouldn't just tell you how great you look.

People say a lot of things, and probably for a lot of reasons. This is a fascinating/horrifying thread to read:
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10735982/things-people-say-when-you-lose-weight

Mouse_Potato

Talan79 wrote: »

People say things without thinking.
I’m 5”2, athletic build. I was 125 for the majority of my adult life but was able to diet down to 118.
My moms friend of over 45 years who has known me since I was born told me “you didn’t need to lose weight but you look better now”.
I was really upset after given my history of disordered eating behavior but I brushed it off.
I’m short, so any weight loss people act as if I’ve lost 40 pounds vs 5-7. I just ignore it bc it’s always the case with being short and fluctuating.

I'm 5'3" and at my highest weight I was 149. I lost 9 pounds and one woman said "wow! You've lost a TON of weight!" Ah, the joys of being short...!

Talan79

@Mouse_Potato I fee you lol. My hair dresser has cut my hair since I was 12. He always tells me “wow, look at you, you’ve kept the weight off”.
Like really? I was never overweight lol.

Slowfaster

I went up to about 140 in college and then later lost down to about 115 (I'm 5' 6".) I'll never forget my aunt and one other woman saying, "Thank goodness! You were this wide" -- while holding their hands about three feet apart. It's the thought that before I lost everyone was laughing at me and talking about how wide my hips were, that hurt. So that's why, forever after, when a friend would lose weight I would congratulate them on how good they looked, but be sure to tell them they always looked nice.

Sorry, if it makes you feel like it undermines your hard work, but I'm afraid you were just cursed with a beautiful face and will never look really bad. Just do it for your health and don't show the before picture if you don't want comparisons.

Chieflrg

I could be completely off mark, but those remarks always seem to reflect the "responders's goals" or likes for themselves.. They more than likely don't realize how it is perceived most times.

Personally I deal with a auto immune disease that causes atrophy as one of the effects. I'm constantly working to retain muscle mass and keep my immune system efficient as possible.

I use to make mention on MFP that I'm a couple thousand calories under my daily goal on a bad day. It seemed I was always shamed by a random person for needing more calories because my goal was not the same as theirs.

Remarks such as "you'll live" or "I should be so lucky" was often spewed.

My goal wasn't theirs so it was perceived as okay to make comments in some compacity.

I guess it just comes with the territory since we all deal with different goals that are important to us.

IwillLOSE40kg

Jax2120 wrote: »

I’ve noticed this done constantly and I don’t really understand it. Someone shows a before and after pic and they are so proud of how far they have come and all their hard work. Most people congratulate them & are super positive. But a certain group of people will always go “I thought you looked fine before”. Why say that? It’s not helpful. I know most people (not everyone) means well by saying this. But please understand it can also be like a slap in the face. Someone who is working hard to get healthy and improve themselves in any way whether it’s physically, mentally, financially, education wise etc. should be encouraged. Not told “Well you looked fine before.” If someone told you they wanted to go to school to provide a better life for themselves would you tell them they are just fine where they are now too? Since when is progress a bad thing?

I can second this.... I was halfway, lost 20kg which is about 40 pounds... People told me that I looked great and don't lose too much more or I'll be too skinny yet my doctor says I needed to lose more and she sent me to a specialist who gave no recognition of me losing 20kg myself and suggested I try saxenda injections to lose weight (looked into this just to be obedient and they're super expensive and cause cancer) ... Point being what you say to people either way ( you're fat or you're not fat) does affect people, that said I'm back at square one due to emotional eating as a result of this and other life stresses