Running, fitness and nutrition while battling an eating disorder

cclebron83

Hi there! Im Chrissy and I'm 36. I've been a workout, runner and nutrition focused person for the past 12ish years. Bad *kitten*! Vegan diet, ran a marathon, lots of halfs and training for another. I've also been battling very disordered eating for the past 10ish years. (Not discounting it, but it's not just a teen thing) The two dont work so well together most of the time. If anyone else is in the same boat just know you're not alone. And if anyone feels open to conversation and helping each other out (women AND men), please! Let's share and help each other.

Unicorn_Bacon

I've had binge eating disorder since my teens...but it started manifesting as early as 4 or 5 years old. It's definitely hard to find someone to relate to.. mostly because we live in a world where often people try to relate by saying they eat a whole bag of chips at night before bed... which while food related, a small part of what an actual eating disorder is.

It can definitely be lonely.

cclebron83

I have a fun combination of severely restricting food intake (if not completely starving myself) while over exercising but from time to time it's like my body can't take the starvation anymore so I binge and purge. Because I feel so ashamed when I eat. Like, I'll purge a lot of times after what most people would consider a normal amount of food. But mostly I just wont eat. And it's just unstoppable. They're behaviors we have no control over. Which is maddening. Thank you for your open honesty. I'm here for you. I get the shame and the feeling if helplessness.

Unicorn_Bacon

@cclebron83 Yes, that is the binge and restrict loop we are forever caught in.

I was over weight my whole life, tried to lose many times... when I finally found someone who would listen to me that I was legit struggling they medicated me with vyvanse and I was able to lose 165 pounds.. but at the end I became like you... trying to starve myself... by doing anything I could... throwing out all my food into the bins outside, spending all my money so that I was broke, I cut up my debit cards, and I still failed, then I'd get my hands on food anyway, binge and try and purge it with excessive exercise. In an attempt to control, something that was controlling me, I took a nose dive and started looking sick.. my energy dropped and I was always so exhausted..

And then the binge eating came on so strongly and I just didnt have the fight in me anymore and I gained almost all the weight back..

I'm here again and back on vyvanse.. but my eating disorder psychiatrist says that for people who have eating disorders, this site only works short term because we are just creating a restriction, disguised as control again and it's only just the same loop... restrict... binge... restrict... and then eventually binge again.

I'm here anyway because I need to get some weight off for my health, however, he really suggests a therapy that would teach me how to create a deficit but naturally.. without leaving myself feeling restricted, thus removing the loop.. lol however insurance is looking like they wont pay for it.

Very frustrating.

cclebron83

I downloaded an app from NEDA, you should download it. Its free, called RR but just put in neda and it should come up. So far I like it a lot. I'm still doing the things I do but this app checks in with me all day long and is making me much more conscious and aware and mindful of what I'm doing dietwise.

Unicorn_Bacon

I will check it out.

cclebron83

Its almost annoying how much it checks in with you lol. But I really am digging it.

Unicorn_Bacon

I think I have used this before when I first started vyvanse and my psychiatrist would get me to log my meals, take pics of them and then he could comment on them or he could comment on my random thoughts etc.

cclebron83

Honestly so far, with my other problems my therapist and dr dont even give a *kitten* about it. I'm trying to talk about it and they say "well dont have anorexia and you dont have bulimia so you dont have an eating disorder!" And because of the way our stupid mental health laws work here I HAVE to go to a provider in my county. And that's where they keep sending me.

Unicorn_Bacon

My psychiatrist gave me information about bulimia which states that you can have that as an eating disorder if you do any or more of the following: vomit your food after eating or binging, excessive exercise to achieve calorie deficit similar to purging yourself of calories, or taking laxatives. Its governed by a fear of gaining weight, which is an eating disorder in itself.

Our mental health here sucks too, technically my psychiatrist is from the eating disorder clinic but they dont deal with binge eating, only bulimia and anorexia so they dont actually offer any programs to help me with my eating issues.

cclebron83

Mental health is hard. Eating disorders are hell. But for real. It's torturous. And controls our lives. It affects our bodies in very negative ways. And, for some of us, it kills us.

Unicorn_Bacon

You know.. I feel fortunate enough that when I was young, internet was barely in most peoples homes.. with how much I was bullied, the internet provided escape from that, unlike today where kids just bully people relentlessly online also. I also have borderline personality disorder, so I was in a dark dark place a lot of my life, without that little escape, who knows how much my disorders could of taken me down more then they did.

The internet isnt like that now, that's why I said, its lonely now, people are often cold and distant and dont have time and have their own problems, so you now have to face these challenges alone, with no escape. Cant tell you how many times I wished the diabetes would just kill me in my sleep when I was in my 20s. Just so I could be free.

cclebron83

I have BPD too. What hell we go through.

Unicorn_Bacon

Lol I guess the two tend to go hand in hand, do you take any medications right now? Only a year ago did they find me the right anti depressants to stop my frequent mood swings and random anger at nothing.. now it's only sometimes lol

cclebron83

I'm on all kinds of meds. But my depression seems to get better after an increase but gets bad again. I take wellbutrin, rexulti to boost the wellbutrin, klonopin, lamictal and neurontin. I'm a lot better than I was. I was in hospitals a lot end of last year. So def way better. But still, I'm a effing mess.

Unicorn_Bacon

I've never heard of any of those.. I'm on something called bupropion sr hydrochloride or something.. was on 300mg but had to bump it to 450.

PMS sometimes really wreaks havoc on me lol... I had to go home from work for a week lol that's how long it took for the murderous rage to disappear.

aine891

I’m in the exact same boat. I work out heaps but it’s pointless cause I binge eat, and once I start I lose all self control.

cclebron83

Oh, Kriss, bupropion is the generic of wellbutrin. That's what I take too. It's worked really well for me since I was about 15 but Im at 450 too and you probably know that's the max dose. Ask your doc about rexulti as an adjunct or booster to the bupropion if your depression is still bad. I think right now my BPD is just really coming through saying "eff these meds, you suck and everything does too so ruin everything". Ya know?

Aine891 I'm so glad you joined us!! You sound like maybe you have lots you can relate to with Kriss. And me too!!

I think too, with my BPD, the starving and overexersising is just my current form of self harm and it's just unstoppable.

Unicorn_Bacon

Nope, I didnt know that was the max dose, lol psychiatrist didnt say anything about it. He seems to have this kind of wait and see approach... I'm sure he wanted to see if I'd ask for an increase or not without filling my head with this is it mentality, if I'm too crazy for this, what next.

For the most part I've been doing okay. I try my best to recognize when I'm having a moment and remove myself from others... I've spent my whole life burning bridges with people, I'm determined to have at least a few relationships in my life with other humans that dont result in hating me.

Unicorn_Bacon

aine891 wrote: »

I’m in the exact same boat. I work out heaps but it’s pointless cause I binge eat, and once I start I lose all self control.

I'd like to hear more about your story.

cclebron83

I just hate that the restricting is to the point now my kids are noticing. Not a good feeling. But it got me to eat a small bowl of grape nuts!

Unicorn_Bacon

I wish I was able to offer advice more so then just be a listening ear. My restricting the way you experience didnt kick in until I lost all the weight, while I'm fat it's the opposite, I have no issues eating

cclebron83

A listening ear is great. I know I can't really get advice on a fitness forum, I need to make my doctor and therapist realize how bad I'm getting. I need professional help, don't we all? I love chatting with you it's just nice to have someone to connect with someone who has body and eating issues too. It sucks, but it's cool to have someone on your team

Unicorn_Bacon

I dont know if this could be an option for you.. but, when I wasnt getting anywhere with doctors not listening and only wanting to treat my diabetes, I went to emergency. I told the doctor my issues and said how worried I was for my health where my doctors weren't listening and giving me access to help, they were able to connect me with places I didnt even know were here which led me on the path to the eating disorder clinic.

cclebron83

I never even thought of that, thanks It just so happens my therapist didn't call for our appointment today and that's what I really wanted to address, how awful my eating habits (or lack thereof) really have gotten. My anxiety has been out of control, and I know not eating is probably a contribution to it. It seems eating disorders is something they dont treat at my place, which is fine, but help me find the help. I wouldn't go to the E.R. with everything going on. But now if I'm not going to even get my therapy, what's next? My psychiatrist doesn't call? I'll just end up in the psychiatric hospital for the millionth time. And they don't help me either, they just make me drink boost shakes at med time when they notice I dont eat. Is it really this hard for everybody?? I know the mental health care system is jacked but why is eating disorder treatment so hard to get?

Unicorn_Bacon

Eating disorders are like trying to convince someone you ride to work every day on a unicorn.

Everything gets lumped together and therefore the severity of an eating disorder isnt addressed until someone is almost dead.

I mean everyone has a tale of binge eating, I imagine it's a common thing brought up in doctors offices and therapists.. and unfortunately if its partnered up with something else... like diabetes, for me, it's either ignored or used as the reason for it. I had tons of doctors tell me that because of my high sugars it was causing me to binge, which kept my sugars high which kept me binge eating, so once my sugars were good I should do better.

Then I'd get the sugars starting to get better a little cause of meds, but not great and they send me to an endocrinologist. She does all her tests and I plead with her that this isnt getting better because I cant stop eating. And she tells me to go for a 10 min walk. I said what good will that do? I just go home and eat for lost time anyway... and she said well at least for those 10 min you wont be eating.

Then the meds weren't working any more then they could so they started me on insulin, 60 slow and 1 units for every 10g of carbs was what I needed... and my brain said "oh insulin, i can now eat this entire pack of cookies following a meal with absolutely no diabetic consequence" and i was injecting insane amounts of insulin, it got to the point where my eating left me unable to afford insulin costs so I gave them up for food..

Years pass, I developed a skin condition from my high blood sugars and they were getting infected constantly, when I would get sick they would open up and weep, with holes so deep I could fit quarters inside, I got a staph infection one time and went to a clinic and begged for help, my leg hurt so bad and he sent me home with no treatment, just a lecture about my blood sugars.

I was driven to the hospital a couple hours later where they hooked me up to IV meds to help the infection. And in the end all I got was a lecture about my blood sugars.

I got sent to a different therapist and counselors, one told me she wasnt qualified to help me cause they're only paid for 2 sessions so unless I could fix it within those sessions.. I asked her for any references to somewhere that could, she claimed she didnt know..

I asked to be seen by a psychologist for a 15 week program and they told me they were not equipped to meet my needs.

I went to hypnosis, asked him to just make me eat healthy foods, and all he did was some hour long session for happiness and vitality, I asked him why he didnt do it for eating since that's why hes there, and he said maybe he would do it after a few other things, finally he did but it didnt work anyway.

I saw some weird emotional center guy who was trying to help me find emotional reasons why I might be eating, but I wasnt allowed to think about the answer and any answer I tried to give he said I was thinking it, I told him that I didnt know what the hell he was talking about and he needed to show me and he wouldnt and eventually I told him off and left

Finally I had to go to emergency and tell them I needed help and this time, I left the diabetes out of it. I was no longer going to let them use it as a reason to ignore my issue.

Maybe they're not listening because you're mentioning other things also? Anxiety or whatever, those things are treated with pills and easy to "fix"

The next doctor you speak to.. only talk about the habits. Talk about how it controls your life and how its effecting your health physically. But leave the anxiety and depression out of it.
Be blunt, tell them you dont want to be home with your kids one day and collapse because your eating disorder has controlled you to a point of exhaustion and made you sick.

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