Grammar Snobs, HELP

HardcoreP0rk

I'm writing a professional document and really dont want to screw up the punctuation.

The sentence is,

"Our goal is to define the details of the pilot scope surrounding ASPIRIN product testing; the methods to run, the instruments to connect, the metrics to measure, and timeline."

Is this punctuation correct? How about the "and timeline" bit? Does it violate the laws of parallelism?

Fit_NYC_

The punctuation seems ok, but the timeline bit definitely seems to break the parallel sentence structure.

But most importantly, is that Joe Lauzon with you?... Awesome!

Whiskybelly

I'm thinking "-" instead of ";".

Edit: ignore that. I'm talking rubbish.

HardcoreP0rk

But most importantly, is that Joe Lauzon with you?... Awesome!

Of course it is! That's my boy!

karlahere

I've edited my students' and juniors' technical papers before and here are my 2 cents.

1. Is it necessary to capitalize all letters of "aspirin"? If you're referring to the product, and not an acronym, it's best not to capitalize as it makes people think that it is an acronym.

2. Does "pilot scope" refer to the methods, instruments, metrics and timeline as a whole? Then use a colon, not a semicolon.

3. Is "timeline" part of a set that includes methods, instruments and metrics? If so, use "the timeline". Parallelism is important in lists as it shows that the items are related.

4. I'm going to evaluate word use now. If this is a technical paper, "methods to run", "instruments to connect", and "metrics to measure" sound vague and unscientific. I'd write it as: "the procedure (or methodology), the equipment, the measurements and the timeline." If you really need to use those phrases, I suggest you change "timeline" to "timeline to follow". This will maintain parallelism of the syntax "<noun> to <verb>" you used in the list.

In summary, I'd revise it to this:

Our goal is to define the details of the pilot scope surrounding aspirin product testing: the procedures, the equipment, themeasurements, and the timeline.

Hope that helps!

irjeffb

I would say "the timeline" to make it parallel. The serial comma is optional, but I prefer it.

Otherwise, it looks fine to me.

KidP

I'm in agreement with ReliefGoods here; namely, you want a colon ( : ) instead of a semi-colon ( ; ). Colons are usually used before a list of things or ideas.

Edit: i unconsciously used a semi-colon in an above sentence. I *think* i used it properly.

Jenni129

All I definitely know is generic drugs should not be capitalized, so it should be "aspirin".

simplydelish2

metrics are measurements...that is an odd statement to use.

a pilot scope generally includes metrics, timeline, etc. so I see no need to pull them out

and why is ASPIRIN in all caps - is that an acronym for the project? If you are talking about the little pill it should be lower case

Good Luck!

OperationSvelteChickadee

"Our goal is to define the details of the pilot scope surrounding ASPIRIN product testing; the methods to run, the instruments to connect, the metrics to measure, and timeline."

Try:

"Our goal is to define the details of the pilot scope of ASPIRIN product testing: methods, instrumentation, metrics measurement, and timeline."

Or even better:

"Our goal is to define the methods, instrumentation, metrics measurement, and timeline of the pilot scope of ASPIRIN product testing."

HardcoreP0rk

I've edited my students' and juniors' technical papers before and here are my 2 cents.

1. Is it necessary to capitalize all letters of "aspirin"? If you're referring to the product, and not an acronym, it's best not to capitalize as it makes people think that it is an acronym.

2. Does "pilot scope" refer to the methods, instruments, metrics and timeline as a whole? Then use a colon, not a semicolon.

3. Is "timeline" part of a set that includes methods, instruments and metrics? If so, use "the timeline". Parallelism is important in lists as it shows that the items are related.

4. I'm going to evaluate word use now. If this is a technical paper, "methods to run", "instruments to connect", and "metrics to measure" sound vague and unscientific. I'd write it as: "the procedure (or methodology), the equipment, the measurements and the timeline." If you really need to use those phrases, I suggest you change "timeline" to "timeline to follow". This will maintain parallelism of the syntax "<noun> to <verb>" you used in the list.

In summary, I'd revise it to this:

Our goal is to define the details of the pilot scope surrounding aspirin product testing: the procedures, the equipment, themeasurements, and the timeline.

Hope that helps!

Very helpful! Aspirin, incidentally, is not the product in question. I just had to put in something because the product is confidential.

As far as the methods and equipment....I have to follow a certain type of language because it's very specific. A "method" is a validated, FDA-regulated procedure with specific documentation, etc. In this document, I'm writing a proposal to run a pilot, where we will select a few methods to automate. We will also configure the instrumentation that is associated with those select methods. I need to be clear that the pilot will not encompass ALL of their business needs, as this is just a small amount of implementation work to "prove the concept."

HardcoreP0rk

metrics are measurements...that is an odd statement to use.

a pilot scope generally includes metrics, timeline, etc. so I see no need to pull them out

and why is ASPIRIN in all caps - is that an acronym for the project? If you are talking about the little pill it should be lower case

Good Luck!

You know, you're right. I'm struggling because I was given this document template to work with, but I'm a better writer than the person who developed the original content. I'm going to reword the whole paragraph instead.

tallvesl99

This sentence is very well re-written with the colon; however, you could take out all the "the's" and the sentence would read as below -

Our goal is to define the details of the pilot scope surrounding aspirin product testing: the procedures, equipment, measurements, and timeline.