How Can You Convince Your Spouse/Friend/Relative/Child To Get In Shape?

MikeT4853

The Question: Bodybuilding and being healthy is very important to you. You can't imagine why anybody would not want to live this way. Unfortunately, your loved one does not feel the same way. The complain about their looks, they are eating in a way that will cause long term health problems, and they just can't ever seem to make it to the gym.

How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.

Share your success stories if you have done this before!

BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?

2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?

harper16

You can't. They have to want to make the change for themselves.

Lillymoo01

You can't and if you try and force any change onto them if they are not ready for it they could easily resent you for it. You have to keep doing you while letting them do them. Just lead by example.

xX_PhoenixRising_Xx

You can't.

But in my mother's case, she set an example and lost quite a bit of weight before having weight loss surgery. She never said a word to me after that about the elephant in the room (that would have been me...)

However... it was watching what she went through after surgery and realising that I was heavier than she was when she had it done (we were both morbidly obese) that convinced me that I never wanted to go through that. And that if I didn't take action then it was very likely I was going to wind up with co-morbidities and somewhere I didn't want to be because of obesity. I also realised that weight loss wasn't impossible because she had lost a lot before her surgery... basically she led by example and I was smart enough to catch on.

Fast forward a few years and between us we had lost around 300 lbs. At one point I had lost more than my mother.

In turn, I set an example for my kids and anyone else in my life. My weight still fluctuates, but I am active and eat healthy because I don't want to die of obesity related disease. But I will not and do not preach or shove this down anyone's throat, no matter how they complain to me. I'll help people with exercise if they ask me (I'm a qualified Personal Trainer) but there are legitimately people that are no longer in my life because of how they treated me when I was obese.

In short, you do you and don't be a dick.

cupcakesandproteinshakes

You can’t. But you can give them info when they show any interest. That’s all you can do until they want to change.

lgfrie

As others have said, you can't. People address their health, weight, and fitness when, how, and IF they decide they want to and sometimes they just don't want to. Or they want to, but not as much as they crave that next pizza.

tiptoethruthetulips

MikeT4853 wrote: »

The Question: Bodybuilding and being healthy is very important to you. You can't imagine why anybody would not want to live this way. Unfortunately, your loved one does not feel the same way. The complain about their looks, they are eating in a way that will cause long term health problems, and they just can't ever seem to make it to the gym.

How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.

Share your success stories if you have done this before!

BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?

2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?

Sounds like a homework question

Unicorn_Bacon

When my ex and I met, I was 135lbs and went to the gym fairly regularly.

I have an eating disorder and also around that time things were starting to fall apart for me trying to control keeping my weight off.

Mentally my mind had shifted, the girl who used to eat right and go to the gym and run 5k followed by 30 min of elliptical and 30 min of the stair climbing machine (I'm sure it has a name) was exhausted and not physically either, my brain was screaming at me, constantly, I tried to keep going to the gym, but I'd end up sometimes not going. Knowing my food habits were also slipping, it was like a fire alarm going off in my head and the first few times my ex would just go to the gym and not say anything, but the more I struggled mentally, the more he started saying things.

"You worked so hard, why are you just giving up" "you lost all that weight and now you're just quitting" "I knew you were going to get fat again"

In his view, he honestly thought the things he was saying were going to motivate me and push me, or snap me out of it, but his words only ended up making me feel bad and self conscious. Because he kept trying to make me go and saying things, I became more uncomfortable around him. All I felt was that he was judging me. He couldn't just see that I was struggling so hard with this. I didnt want it but it was like drowning in quicksand alone in the desert.

To him it was just so easy, just do it. The mental aspect of it wasnt even a consideration. He does it, why cant I? And there would be times i would just sit and cry because i knew what was happening, and that just prompted even less support from him, to him i was just being a big baby, if it upsets me, then fix it. I'd complain about it constantly and yet still couldnt do what i longed so badly to do, how can the brain be so opposite? Where I want something more then anything and yet also be a ball and chain at my ankle.

Hearing him go on and on about his fitness became something that started annoying me, I mean, he wasnt achieving anything new for me to be proud of, he was just telling me how many minutes he spent on each machine. Why couldnt he just go and do his thing and then carry on? Why did he have to constantly bring it up?

I'm sure he just repeated on about it because he probably had nothing else to talk about... after being broken up from him 3 years now, I've come to realize he is just an incredibly boring human who even when I bump into him, only talks about the gym and girls, same as before. But at the time, I didnt know that and his constant jabbering felt like bragging and demotivated me even more.

Then finally one day I was able to mentally push myself to try and lose some weight i had gained. I asked him to be supportive, told him what my plan was, what i needed, and unfortunately he couldnt be bothered, whatever my plans were, they didnt fit into his ideals of what healthy was and so it was met with judgement and the feelings of i wasnt doing enough.

In his mind, all one has to do is go to the gym. If you dont, you're lazy, your fat, the gym fixes all.

I went out and bought all i needed to help me stay within calories and he ate it and refused to replace it because he didnt wanna spend that much on food. He would rather buy high calorie things that didnt cost much.

Eventually i ended up caving in and went back to my mental hole. I remember one night trying to explain to him how his actions weren't supportive and that what i really needed from him is patience and understanding and then when *I* was ready, to be supportive in what i need to do that. I tried to explain how I'm struggling with my eating disorder and it makes it hard to keep going sometimes, I need him to just be there and listen and he said "if you dont want to eat, then dont, it's that simple" ... completely disregarding my mental struggle once again.

Later on he would claim it was out of concern for my health, but sometimes expressed concerns, even if you plan them so carefully and delicately, may not be recieved well. He obviously wasnt very good at being delicate, but his inability to understand my mental aspect of it only left me feeling alone.

If you have already had a conversation about your concerns, then they know how you feel, now they have to be the ones to pull themselves out of that quicksand and they just need to know that you love them despite that and always will.

And when they're ready to start, support their choices and if they ask for help, then offer suggestions, but dont control their path right from the start, by telling them exactly what they need to do, because while they may be ready to start, they might not be ready to take everything on right away.

Be patient. Dont take their failures or the fact that their not starting yet as a sign that they dont care about themselves... it's a hard battle they're fighting.

missysippy930

You can only do you.
You can’t make anyone else do what you feel they should do. They have to want it for themselves. Maybe your example will lead them to change. Repeated suggestions may lead to resentment Accept things you have no control over changing.

NovusDies

You can't and considering you can't even imagine what it is like to live a different way you should definitely not try nor should you offer to coach/mentor/advise them if they decide to try.

It would be very important that they understand that health improvement does not require bodybuilding or even any gym equipment at all. If they see you as an example of what they need to do they may easily decide they do not want it or want to commit that much.

sijomial

You can set an example - which they may to choose to follow or not.

You can encourage - which they might see as backhanded criticism, nagging or might think is thoughtful and caring.

You can support - but that support might be doing something that you don't regard as useful/helpful/the one true way...

You can show concern - but that might be accepted as genuine concern or seen as hectoring.

You can try and walk a mile in their shoes to gain some empathy - but you might just find your feet hurt.

amusedmonkey

You can't. Hell, there are times when you can't even convince yourself. When I was morbidly obese most comments would fall on deaf ears. I wasn't stupid, I knew obesity and inactivity are a health risk and didn't need to be told that. It's extremely rare to see people who decide to change a harmful habit (and succeeds) because someone said something. Even if they do listen, if they aren't ready it won't last.

Sometimes I would watch my very active sister enjoying her activities and think "what if this could be me"? That was about the only thing that kinda sorta made it through to me, but even that wasn't enough. I needed to be at a certain point and mindset to start doing something about it.

What personally got me started was getting worrying blood sugar results and made me think "that's it, I need to do something about it", and I did. For some people even that isn't enough.

spiriteagle99

It's hard to passively watch someone make unhealthy choices, but there is very little you can do to stop them. You can't make somebody want to work out and lose weight. You can invite them to go for a walk, a hike, a bike ride. You can be extremely patient if they are slow or awkward at doing these. You can take them dancing or invite them to a class at the gym. You can fix healthy meals when it's your turn to cook. You can refrain from bringing fattening foods home. You can be an example of active healthy living. You can't talk them into changing their lifestyle to suit you. That only comes across as criticism, which tends to backfire. You can listen and try to understand their issues if they bring them up.

lemurcat2

As others have said, you really can't, but you can be a good example, encourage if they show interest, and answer questions. You can also volunteer to do some of the cooking, if you don't already, and cook tasty food in a a lower cal way that is not specifically diet food. My dad has always been interested in physical activity and a healthy weight, but he's thinner now and eats much better now simply because his wife loves to cook and cooks very healthy (but incredibly delicious) meals that made him appreciate plenty of foods I think he didn't so much before (he eats far more veg now, whereas before I think he ate veg mostly out of obligation).

MikeT4853 wrote: »

BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?

I've done physical activity of a variety of sorts off and on always. I would run for a period of time and then stop. I used to bike a lot and then stopped when I moved to Chicago (many years ago, at age 24) since at first I was afraid to bike on the streets here. I now run and bike as my primary cardio, although I still don't bike all year round.

When I decided to get back into shape I had been inactive, so just decided to get active again. Part of that was because I'd decided to lose weight and knew it would be helpful for that, and part of it was I found losing weight easier to think about as part of a "I will be as healthy as I can" way. One reason I got motivated to lose was a bad photo of myself, and another was having a friend who lost a bunch of weight, which triggered the "oh, it's possible" switch in my brain.

I find having either friends who also do these activities (I got over my biking fear by biking with friends initially) or goals (like wanting to train for a race) to be helpful for me to get into these activities. I also knew my sister did some weight-based workouts, so originally I asked her.

lemurcat2

Oh, and speaking from personal experience, people who are overweight often want to lose, know they should lose, and certainly know it's not healthy to be overweight. But getting nagged or talked to about it from a loved one will very often not be taken as "I am concerned about your health" but "I don't think you are attractive" or "I am embarrassed by your weight." I'm sure there are exceptions, but I suspect it's rare that people genuinely don't realize they need to lose weight or that weight affects health.

I do think many overweight people feel like they CAN'T lose weight, so answering questions in a way that makes it seem simple can be helpful, and I also think many are afraid they would have to sacrifice things they don't want too which is why I think stressing that you can do physical activity that you already find somewhat fun (or might) and don't need to do something that seems miserable, and similarly that you don't have to eat some super restrictive diet, but can figure out a way to eat you enjoy that works. But that is in the responses once they are at a place where they are showing interest and asking questions. You also might want to think about whether you are modeling an approach that seems like something they wouldn't find appealing as the correct way -- I have no reason to think you are, but I have seen this happen. For example, if the person dislikes the gym but likes walking, suggesting walks and then talking about stuff on the walk, so it doesn't seem like "exercise" might be an option. Plus, most gyms are closed now anyway, and everyone is likely bored of being in the house!

ninerbuff

I got through this EVERY YEAR. In January, I get "I really want to get in shape" people. A week later, they aren't there anymore. Why? Because you cannot CONVINCE people by what you say, do, look like, etc., for them to make the same commitment. THEY HAVE TO DO IT ON THEIR OWN. Till that happens, you'll just hear the same complaints.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Diatonic12

A man or woman convinced against their will are of the same opinion still. You can hurt someone's feelings trying to do this or really turn them off. Lead by example. If they're really interested they'll ask you about it. Until then, it's a leaverite. Leave it all right there.

Unicorn_Bacon

👍

amy19355

You look pretty youthful in your profile image, and maybe have not been on the receiving end of advice such as you are considering to give a loved one.

Worry about your self, and be willing to share if you are asked. I'm pretty sure you won't find a "good" way to open that subject with anyone, loved or not.

MikeT4853 wrote: »

The Question: Bodybuilding and being healthy is very important to you. You can't imagine why anybody would not want to live this way. Unfortunately, your loved one does not feel the same way. The complain about their looks, they are eating in a way that will cause long term health problems, and they just can't ever seem to make it to the gym.

How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.

Share your success stories if you have done this before!

BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?

2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?

L1zardQueen

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.

Working on my disagree button.

hawksgirl229

Kriscandothis.
So very sorry that you had to go through that