Overcoming Signs of a Disorder / Bad Relationship with Food

oliverwnc

Hi MFP Community,

I hope you're all keeping healthy, happy and sane wherever in the world you are.

This is quite a personal post, and one that I've been considering writing for a while. I've decided to share now because I hear about more and more people having similar struggles, so I hoped that my experiences might be helpful.

I'm a guy in my 20s, generally enjoying life. This are going well enough in terms of family, work and social life. I'm relatively fit and healthy, a keen sportsman and a regular gym-goer. I'm in good shape, fairly lean and fairly muscular. But, over the past couple of years, I've been struggling with all the signs of an eating disorder.

It's hard to pinpoint just one manifestation of this. You name it, I've had it. And it's horrible. I'm sure some people here will relate to some or all of these symptoms.

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I'd track obsessively, monitor my weight too closely, go through highs and lows when it comes to body image, demonise certain foods (usually calorie dense), glorify others (usually high volume & low calorie) and often feel guilt when I needn't, or satisfaction for unhealthy behaviours (like under-eating). I'll go as far as to project this on to others - even experiencing quite a severe reaction when I see strangers eating & drinking things that I wouldn't.

I'd regularly under-eat to the point of losing all energy and becoming light-headed, and then binge-without-bingeing by filling myself up excessively on high volume but low calorie foods, sometimes in an uncontrolled fashion.

I let hunger affect my mood and feel stress and anxiety about food. I'll use intermittent fasting as a pretext for starving myself for longer than I comfortably can. I look at foods but see nothing but numbers. Calories. Macros. Comparisons.

I find it impossible to choose what to eat because I'm in an endless spiral of 'is this worth the calories' or 'would I rather have this now, or maybe something else later?'.

It's quite rare for me to overshoot calories but it's been known to happen. In any case, my metabolism almost certainly has adapted down far enough that even a small 'overshoot' will be enough to offset any ideas of a deficit (meaning that my weight tends not to move an awful lot).

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So, why is this in success stories? Well, I'm better now than I have been for months. And I put that down to three reasons.

Firstly, talk to someone. Or everyone. I told my parents. My girlfriend. Some close friends. I saw a therapist. It is nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, the cruel thing is that the mental factors are partly caused by your body's physical response to being messed around in this way. You are a victim of your mind's tricks and your body's chemical balance. It's just a case of working out how you can manage this and how you can get back to good physical and mental health over time.

Secondly, give yourself some kind of schedule or routine that works for you and lets you hit good, healthy numbers. For me, that's a short fast (07:00-10:30), a good breakfast (porridge / oatmeal), a late, light lunch, an afternoon snack, a substantial dinner and room for a bit of dessert if I want it. The calories are flexible, and I still use other approaches like making sensible food choices. But the overall structure gives me security & reassurance that what I'm doing is absolutely fine.

Thirdly, never, ever forget that food is good. It is fuel. And it's not only fuel for exercise. You can eat and enjoy it without any guilt even when you're totally inactive. It sustains your body. This was the hardest thing for me to understand, so on a rest day when I'm not walking around much, I'd agonise more than ever. I could hardly bring myself to eat, because I'd convince myself I didn't need it or deserve it or something.

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So, there we go. These are just a few thoughts and I'd love to start a discussion about any tips anyone else has, or any other experiences you feel able to share.

If you are very conscious of your diet & calories & macros, you'll probably never get rid of that. But for everyone going through difficult times, I'd say this: don't lose hope. It improves. You can and will overcome.

Stay happy and healthy,
O

PS - I posted this in Success Stories the other day but wanted to make sure that this reaches anyone who may need to hear it.

Unicorn_Bacon

I will add that for some, like myself, who have exercised all options, including routine, therapy, support and education, if it's still not working, there are medications to also help support those options.

I know that I for one definitely need the vyvanse, but I also know that I cant just take the meds and expect the book to be closed, you still have to work on all those other things.

If you find no one wants to hear you, be it your doctor or family.. go online and find support, see if your community has a mental health program you can call, maybe go to a walk in clinic and ask them for available options, locate others in your area who may be going through the same who can open avenues to options or offer support.

And be sympathetic to yourself. Often times the tricks we try for prevention fail, and it's not because you are useless or an idiot.. it's not because you arent strong, and should be able to do this on your own, strength comes in many forms.

Diatonic12

A poor relationship with food in childhood can cast a shadow over an adult relationship with food. Dieting won't fix it. Chances are that childhood food cues become learned responses to the way you were raised with food.

The experiences we have with food as children can directly influence every aspect of our responses to food now. Our perceptions become reality. Identifying all of the issues is the first step to healing from them but you have to be willing to do that.

A poor relationship with food can cause you to second-guess and become indecisive with food choices or constantly try another new diet. This can lead to perfectionism with food or even turning it into a religion.
Conducting another brutally strict diet and doing it perfectly to overcompensate for past perceived food failures is not the way one should want to go.

Extremes beget more extremes = emotionally beating yourself up for every mistake or when rebound weight gain with friends shows right back up on your doorstep. Around round of dieting or food 'reset' won't fix it.

The Honeymoon Phase of weight loss can have a short shelf life followed by the Overcompensation Phase. Throw everything UP against the wall and hope something sticks until it doesn't then it's time for another round of dieting. Just give me one more opportunity and I promise to conduct this one perfectly right out of the chute until it all comes undone.

Some order out of this chaos must be imposed. That's when it's time to sit down with someone face-to-face and sort it all out. Let the healing begin.

ReenieHJ

Just seeing this now. Thank you so much for posting and sharing your experience and thoughts on this.

I've been mainly going without RL support and in the beginning MFP was enough for me. But now, that doesn't appear to be the case. I'm not overweight(anymore) but still have that mindset of bingeing and seeking food for feeling better. These days I seriously need to feel better, due to Covid but also other circumstances IRL.

I have found goals have helped in the past, whether it's a long planned trip or seeing the family at Christmas time(I have 3 adult children who only all get together during the holidays ). Right now, I have zero goals, nada. And I have been in the scary binge mode for 3-4 weeks now. From past experiences, I know it doesn't take long to pack the pounds back on.

I guess I'm going to break down and beg my dh for his support. He doesn't understand and a lot of the time, says the wrong things to help. But, being 'just a man'(HIS words, not mine Lol), I try to understand that. But maybe, just maybe if I can sit down and have an open dialog with him about how serious this is for me, maybe he'll listen and try to actively help.

Thanks again for sharing!!!

oliverwnc

Diatonic12 wrote: »

A poor relationship with food in childhood can cast a shadow over an adult relationship with food. Dieting won't fix it. Chances are that childhood food cues become learned responses to the way you were raised with food.

The experiences we have with food as children can directly influence every aspect of our responses to food now. Our perceptions become reality. Identifying all of the issues is the first step to healing from them but you have to be willing to do that.

A poor relationship with food can cause you to second-guess and become indecisive with food choices or constantly try another new diet. This can lead to perfectionism with food or even turning it into a religion.
Conducting another brutally strict diet and doing it perfectly to overcompensate for past perceived food failures is not the way one should want to go.

Extremes beget more extremes = emotionally beating yourself up for every mistake or when rebound weight gain with friends shows right back up on your doorstep. Around round of dieting or food 'reset' won't fix it.

The Honeymoon Phase of weight loss can have a short shelf life followed by the Overcompensation Phase. Throw everything UP against the wall and hope something sticks until it doesn't then it's time for another round of dieting. Just give me one more opportunity and I promise to conduct this one perfectly right out of the chute until it all comes undone.

Some order out of this chaos must be imposed. That's when it's time to sit down with someone face-to-face and sort it all out. Let the healing begin.

Apologies - I only just saw this but wanted to reply all the same. I'm sure habits are learnt over a lifetime and, in this case, I've not done myself any favours by controlling my diet excessively as I've wanted to manipulate my weight over the years.

A lot of what you say ("perceptions become reality", "perfectionism...or even turning it into a religion") - this is all very familiar.

And one more thought: the physical effects of being in an excessive deficit seem to exacerbate the mental struggle. That's the ultimate unfairness!

oliverwnc

ReenieHJ wrote: »

Just seeing this now. Thank you so much for posting and sharing your experience and thoughts on this.

I've been mainly going without RL support and in the beginning MFP was enough for me. But now, that doesn't appear to be the case. I'm not overweight(anymore) but still have that mindset of bingeing and seeking food for feeling better. These days I seriously need to feel better, due to Covid but also other circumstances IRL.

I have found goals have helped in the past, whether it's a long planned trip or seeing the family at Christmas time(I have 3 adult children who only all get together during the holidays ). Right now, I have zero goals, nada. And I have been in the scary binge mode for 3-4 weeks now. From past experiences, I know it doesn't take long to pack the pounds back on.

I guess I'm going to break down and beg my dh for his support. He doesn't understand and a lot of the time, says the wrong things to help. But, being 'just a man'(HIS words, not mine Lol), I try to understand that. But maybe, just maybe if I can sit down and have an open dialog with him about how serious this is for me, maybe he'll listen and try to actively help.

Thanks again for sharing!!!

Thank you, and I'm sorry not to have responded sooner. I hope things are improving for you.

It's not my place to give advice but I hope you'll be reassured that things can improve and that you have all the time in the world, so you can try different approaches and see what works for you. What you do today or tomorrow will not determine your entire life.