Please help me help my friend

AshleyWallace3

My best friend of 9 years, for as long as I have known her, has had tremendous weight problems and has never stopped trying to solve them. She's 5'4" and an emotional binge eater, weighing around 20 stone currently. For years and years, she's tried all these (what I can only call) starvation diets. There was a point she did manage to lose a dramatic amount of weight, but it was with a ridiculous diet of eating only a bowl of strawberries per day. As you can predict, she gained the weight back fairly quickly.

Right now, she's only eating 1500 and arguing that it's enough for her to lose weight. For the first time in our relationship, I've told her that her diets aren't working, and that they've never worked because I feel she's eating too little. But I'm also not a dietitian. I've never been that weight or had to lose it, even though I've been on my own weight loss journey.

What advice can you give for her situation? I can't convince her to see another GP, because she went to see one about her eating disorder and the GP replied 'What do you want me to do about it? Learn self-control.'

I feel that years of extreme dieting have screwed over her metabolism. I think she should be maybe be trying around the 2400 mark or such? I don't know.

Hoping to hear from someone who actually knows what they're talking about in this matter! All I've got is google. =|

snowflake954

We have quite a few posts like this, but normally it's a husband or wife trying to get the other to lose weight. The advice will be the same however. You can't force anyone to lose. Something has to click within them. If your friend had posted and asked for advice the responses would have been different and numerous. You can't do anything but be there for your friend. IF they ask for advice or encouragement, then you can give--sparingly. If you value this friendship you have to step back, bite your tongue, and let her make her mistakes. 1200 calories are the minimum for a female plus exercise calories. Your friend is not in the danger zone unless she's exercising a lot and not upping her calories for that. Good luck.

bmeadows380

exactly; encouragement your friend if she's open to it, but otherwise its her life and trying to strong-arm her will only push her further away. Secondly, 1500 calories for a 5'4" woman sounds completely reasonable, depending on her starting weight and goal weight and what loss rate she's shooting for; in any case, it doesn't sound to me like she's eating too little or starving herself this time around.

You can't "break" your metabolism: broken metabolism = dead. Starvation mode is a myth. Secondly, you can't "eat too little" and not lose weight; there isn't a point where you eat too little food and your body stops losing weight - i.e. no such thing as starvation mode. Now eating too little brings a whole host of other problems, serious health problems, but it isn't going to keep you from losing weight - if that were true, no one would die of starvation.

As long as she's eating a variety of foods and not trying another mono-diet (yeah the only strawberries thing was a bad idea), I wouldn't worry too much on it. Now if she slips into the mono-diet or something like less than 800 calories a day, then worry, but 1500 should be fine, depending on her lifestyle - is she active, sedentary? Have a job where she's on her feet all day long? Doing intense exercise 7 days a week? Is she trying to lose 50 lbs? 20 lbs? All those things factor into what is a reasonable calorie level, but usually, 1500 for a female, especially a short to average height one, is fine, especially if they tend to be sedentary.

You've got an account here; use the guided setup as your friend - use her height and starting weight, set the activity level to what she has, and a sensible loss rate of no more than 1% of her current weight (say 1lb/week), and then see what MFP gives you back as the calorie goal. This can give you peace of mind on whether she's eating too little or not.

cmriverside

If someone has become that much overweight, it's not just about the food. Well, it is just about the food - but there are definitely some underlying issues you are not qualified to solve for her.

I would stop trying to "fix" her. It isn't helping, and it's another form of relationship dysfunction (on your part.) She likely needs some counseling from professionals.


Step back.

Let her find her way, and stop giving (bad) advice. 1500 calories per day is a very good amount for her. I lost most of my 80 pounds on exactly that (plus exercise calories) and I'm four inches taller...but she's got quite a lot of weight to lose and it's definitely not too low.

manderson27

You can support her efforts by suggesting she join MFP (if she hasnt aready) If she is weighing and measuring her food and calculating the correct amount of calories 1500 should be enough for her to get the nutrition she needs and still lose weight.

You can't make someone do things your way even if it is the right way, however the fact that she is aiming for a reasonable amount of calories and provided they come from a wide range of foods including foods she enjoys then she has a good chance of sticking to it this time around.

Be gentle with her and the advice you give. Encourage not lecture, suggest don't scoff, advise don't force. Be patient and kind and she might be able to sustain this. But she may not and you will have to accept it if she falls off the wagon. She is the only one that can change permanently how she eats.

AshleyWallace3

Hi folks, thanks for the advice. I'm taking a lot on board here, and there's so much I agree with. Overall, I'll be stepping back. I just wanna defend myself on something:

I want to say that I've never given her advice unless she brings up her weight. So, it's not like I've ever sat her down and demanded she lose weight. The topic of weight has ONLY been brought up by her. I just want to convey that I'm not bullying her, or twisting her arm, you know?

I can totally acknowledge that I shouldn't have gave advice on what she SHOULD eat in the first place. I'm not a doctor. I didn't even know the starvation mode thing was false (apparently it is scientifically true that it happens, but doesn't impact things enough to prevent weight loss, but it can stop it)

I think on reflection, I've definitely got a tendency to like 'DO IT MY WAY'. The justification behind it in this scenario was that I've not gave advice for the near decade of our friendship. If something doesn't work, you have to change your approach, right? And the recent change I felt was actually giving advice - but I was being too bossy with her and I'm too unqualified to gave any good advice. Everyone's weight loss journey is different.