These are the times I need to prove to myself I am strong

KrissFlavored
KrissFlavored Posts: 327 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Its been bad day. Emotionally.

My only old coping skill was to eat. My binge eating disorder meds have worn off and my brain has spent the last few hours doing nothing but screaming about the kitchen.

My current coping skill is to simply not use my old coping skill and remain present in this moment and keep telling myself that the combination of no meds and an emotionally bad day is not going to be fixed with the use of food.

And it wont be fixed with food.

I have watched a movie in an attempt to try and distract myself but I find there are times when the eating disorder really does scream louder then anything else.

These are the moments I know are going to happen again in the future and I am strong, this is hard, but I just have to stay on my new path. I have to be able to do this without the medication.

Normally i dont make posts like this..

I guess tonight I am just struggling harder then usual.
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Replies

  • PAV8888
    PAV8888 Posts: 14,254 Member
    Oh Kriss!
    And it is quite late over there... you can't go for a nice walk or something, hey?
    How about reading a book? Or listening to an audio-book till you fall asleep?
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,225 Member
    Sending strength-reinforcement rays in your direction . . . wish I could do something real. Sleep as possible, feel better in the AM!
  • goatg
    goatg Posts: 1,399 Member
    edited May 2020
    I’m so sorry. Hope you can go for a walk or something. That sounds like a really hard night.

    Best case, tomorrow you’re stronger —you got through the darkest hour. Worst case, tomorrow is a new opportunity and you do better. A slip can be only a slip.

    ❤️❤️❤️
  • yirara
    yirara Posts: 9,943 Member
    Sending you hugs <3
  • Katmary71
    Katmary71 Posts: 7,082 Member
    I'm glad you were able to get some rest. You can always send me a message if you need to talk or get distracted. Music helps me a lot, I like a lot of different genres but go for the heavier stuff when struggling. Working out helps too, particularly paying attention to some video on YouTube like a dance routine.
  • DancingMoosie
    DancingMoosie Posts: 8,619 Member
    Have you tried yoga or meditation? Or a walk? Getting outside in the sun really helps me. Hope you feel better🌞
  • KrissFlavored
    KrissFlavored Posts: 327 Member
    I'm sure those things might be useful for calming down, however probably not for the eating disorder part of it. Unfortunately that is something I must struggle through and work out for now until therapy can start.
  • PAV8888
    PAV8888 Posts: 14,254 Member
    Dumb question... but since you've seen the doctor, said here I am, ready to go, and they've even gone ahead and prescribed medication... what are they waiting for in terms of getting started?

    @ksharma often brings up the Beck diet solution. A quick search online associates the Beck institute with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy over the Internet for BED. Whether that (or any form of CBT) would be helpful or appropriate for you specifically is something to discuss with your doctor first, obviously!
  • PAV8888
    PAV8888 Posts: 14,254 Member
    Just a correction to my post above. I was intending to tag @kshama2001 who often shares the Beck Diet Solution but ended up tagging incorrectly.

    Kriss... I would encourage you to take care of yourself. You can't live on air, if you're without a job; but your health is what allows you to find and keep a job.
  • cupcakesandproteinshakes
    cupcakesandproteinshakes Posts: 1,136 Member
    KrissFlavored wrote: »
    They're not waiting, I am, cause I need $1200 to take the therapy.

    I have the money, but I was just waiting a little to see where the dust settles with being off work and my finances before putting the money into it.

    Insurance wont pay for it so I just wanna be sure that I'm good to go, I seem to have bad timing that way, where I just do something right then and there and then a couple weeks later i fall down a hole cause i didnt wait and make sure.. lol

    But he said that they can do the therapy at the eating disorder clinic and can follow social distancing, so I told him once I knew where I stood, I'd send him my schedule.

    ... and I'm not gonna lie... I'm scared to start it.

    Mostly because my whole life has been binge and restrict and I know once I start this therapy I am going to have to stop counting calories and that terrifies me. Lol..

    Hi

    Did the clinic say you have to stop counting calories? Is this not up for some negotiation with the therapist? I wonder if you can hang on to some of your structures at the start then it may seem less daunting to start? ( I know very little about this type of therapy though so sorry if I’m completely off).
    It’s completely normal to be fearful of starting therapy. I was. It’s a huge step.
  • nighthawk584
    nighthawk584 Posts: 2,023 Member
    Sending out good vibes and hugs to you Kriss! It's brave of you to lay it all out there.
  • KrissFlavored
    KrissFlavored Posts: 327 Member
    Thank you darling ♡
  • springlering62
    springlering62 Posts: 8,458 Member
    Hope today is better. I know it sounds cheesy, but today really is the first day of the rest of your life.

    Every. Single. Day. And moment, too.

    Hugs to you, honey. Lots of us out here pulling for you.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    I'm confused - I get the part about the holdup for starting the $1200 therapy, but it sounds like you are out of meds and I don't understand why there is a delay in getting more meds? Perhaps you posted about this elsewhere and I missed it?
  • KrissFlavored
    KrissFlavored Posts: 327 Member
    https://www.drugs.com/vyvanse.html

    Here is a link to the meds I am taking. If anyone is curious about them and how they work
  • briscogun
    briscogun Posts: 1,138 Member
    One of my kids was on Vyvanse for years so I am familiar with it AND the side effects. He was only on 30mg/day, not 60, either.

    For my son, one of the most noticeable was lack of appetite while the pill was "working", so he would hardly eat all day, but by the afternoon/evening when it would wear off he would make up for it by eating everything not nailed down. I can only assume that is creating the "binge" mentality when it wears off for you, too?

    Sorry you're going through this. Hope it gets better...
  • KrissFlavored
    KrissFlavored Posts: 327 Member
    Yeah, somewhat, like, I find that since it's basically controlling my impulses, once that stops, that's when the binge mode starts to kick in, I think technically that they expect you to be asleep by the time it wears off, however that's not realistic lol

    I find it easier to manage a few hours of not giving in to those impulses then all day, however, the other night I was emotionally challenged.

    I also have borderline personality disorder lol.. so basically my emotions sky rocket fast and take forever to come back down, it took me 3 days before I felt okay lol I was calmer the next day but I was still having angry conversations in my head etc.

    So when that kicked in and the meds wore off, it was like being kicked from both sides and made it much more harder to ignore the impulses.

    I do make sure I eat the calories I am expected to eat. And I do feel hungry when enough hours have passed. But they definitely keep my impulse control in check.

    When I took vyvanse previously, because they were new, for a while they really did decrease my appetite to a point that I would forget I was eating food and have to remember to pick the fork back up..

    This time I dont have that problem, which I actually like, cause I wanna eat lol.. it's just the mental part I dont like.
  • quiksylver296
    quiksylver296 Posts: 28,439 Member
    KrissFlavored wrote: »
    Some good and unexpected news.

    My eating disorder psychiatrist just emailed me to tell me that they would offer the therapy to me free at no cost since my insurance wouldnt pay for it.

    He also said that my self management has been great progress as well.

    So.. I guess I just gotta wait for him to give me a date and I'm driving down this hole lol

    Wow! That's awesome. :flowerforyou:
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,225 Member
    Such great news, Kriss: Wishing you the best, that it will turn out to be a good strategy for you!
  • KrissFlavored
    KrissFlavored Posts: 327 Member
    I hope so too, hopefully it will be easy to adapt, and where I'm better prepared this time.. lol
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    KrissFlavored wrote: »
    Some good and unexpected news.

    My eating disorder psychiatrist just emailed me to tell me that they would offer the therapy to me free at no cost since my insurance wouldnt pay for it.

    He also said that my self management has been great progress as well.

    So.. I guess I just gotta wait for him to give me a date and I'm driving down this hole lol

    Great news! Happy for you. I hope it all works out well. You can do this.

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