safely counting calories with a history of disordered eating and extreme restriction?

everleighelle

I've been unhappy with my body for a long time, I have a really unhealthy relationship with food and spent years hating myself for always feeling like I was eating too much.
This January I finally decided to try and lose weight the right way. I went slow and started off with simply replacing some unhealthy foods I was eating with something better, slowly I built up to smaller portions and a caloric deficit. I've been exercising regularly and now a couple of weeks ago I decided to give intermittent fasting a try to see if it would help me stay within my calorie range. So far I think it really has helped but still I'm having a lot of trouble with staying within my deficit which is 1230 calories a day (for reference I'm 5"2). I'm currently 110 pounds (started at 116) and my goal is 100-103 I don't know if I'm being extreme.
I keep beating myself up over eating too many calories and I can feel myself becoming obsessive, which brings me to the question, is it even healthy for me to count calories when I have a history of disordered eating?
I'm wondering if I should make my eating window smaller for intermittent fasting and just stop counting (currently I eat from 12pm to 8pm). Does anyone have any stories or tips on how they keep their mindset healthy while calorie counting?

KrissFlavored

According to my eating disorder psychiatrist, no, by counting calories, we are creating restrictions and it's just keeping us in the eating disorder loop

Smaller window is just another way to create a restriction, you will only find a way to feel guilty eating outside of that or by being hungrier through the day and struggling

quemalosuerte

Do you have a psychologist, therapist, a specialist, or any other professional of that type? They can help you sort through healthy vs unhealthy eating patterns and mindsets and sort out whether you are being reasonable or obsessive. While we all have our own experiences to draw on, we are not trained professionals. And I think most of us would hate giving you advice that, while it worked for us, hurts you.

cmriverside

How long have you been at 110? That's a very healthy, mid-BMI range weight.

Why don't you hold there for a while and stay in counseling?

100 is at the very bottom of your range. Not only will it take extreme discipline to get to 100, you already are obsessing unnecessarily, in my opinion.

Lillymoo01

The more restrictions you apply to this the worse your disordered eating can become. It is fantastic that you admit to this, but the next step is to reach out to a professional for the best advice which is most suited to you and your health. We can support you in this journey but help from experts in the field of disordered eating will be of tremendous help.

PAV8888

At this point it is time to stop and reach out for help.

You're in the water. You're not in a shark cage. There are great whites within sensing distance. And the water is now chummed with what you've been doing since January.

Grab a hand and pull out. Please.

nooshi713

You dont need to lose weight. Your current weight is very lean as it is. Your goal weight is too low. Stop restricting yourself.

rheddmobile

While BMI isn’t perfect for everyone, it can act as a reality check for many people. 5’2” and 100 lbs would put you at a BMI of 18.3, which is underweight. It’s not an appropriate goal. You don’t need to become underweight.

You are a healthy weight now and don’t need to be eating at a deficit, which means you don’t need to be having a lot of trouble with staying in your deficit, feeling guilty about eating too many calories, or fasting, intermittently or otherwise. Good news! You get to stop feeling bad, stop worrying about all this, and try to focus on not hating yourself and your body.

I realize this is easier said than done which is why you shouldn’t feel bad about needing professional help. Eating disorders aren’t easy to get over, if they were, there would not be people who suffer and even die from them. The other good news is that instead of being in denial, you are aware of the path you have started down and are reaching out for help. That’s wonderful!

Wishing you all the best. Now is a rough time to seek help, with covid restrictions, but a lot of people have been going the telemed route. Get someone who is a professional to help you.