Am I Screwed Up in the Head?

MRSpivey

Well now… how shall I begin? I have been on the road to rebuilding my physical body since November 2012; that is when I decided that I had not been a good keeper of this body I have and had reached 268 pounds with an unknown percent body fat (I’m sure it was well into the 30’s, if not over). It came from eleven years of not doing anything to take care of myself and not eating properly, a long way from 158 pounds with 6-7% body fat in 2001 (marital issues, divorce, and depression provided the inspiration back then when I dropped from 238 pounds). This time I started out very slow with very small incremental changes to eating habits. In January 2013 I started using My Fitness Pal off and on. In February 2013 I joined a gym (Workout Anytime). By February I had made the decision to be fully committed to getting myself back to being healthy, taking time for me. This was partially inspired by my father’s death in January which was preceded by nearly a year of him struggling to just accomplish normal daily activities (such as getting out of bed, getting out of chairs, getting dressed, walking, etc.). Granted, he was in his later 80’s but the struggling he went through still made a profound impression on me.

It is now August 2013 and I am making good progress toward my goals. I now weigh about 215 pounds and have about 22% body fat. The thing most people have noticed is while I’m losing fat I’m gaining muscle. Yep that’s right… I’m cutting and building at the same time. It’s not something that’s easy (that’s probably the biggest understatement of my life, It’s extremely difficult). My second wife (married since 2004) was supportive at first but now is seemingly more critical and less supportive. She has said things like: “you shouldn’t push yourself as hard as you do, you’re going to hurt yourself, you're being selfish, you’re not in your twenties anymore, we just don’t seem to have much in common”, as well as saying things that allude to me having a mid-life crises. I know some of this may be coming from some insecurity she may have in seeing some serious physical changes in me. She is trying to better herself with Zumba and going to the gym but isn’t as driven as I am and she isn’t seeing the results she would like to see.

Now to add a little perspective, I am very focused, intentional, intense, and have a tendency toward being "obsessive" (which I call being goal oriented and driven). I don’t live at the gym; actually I have worked my gym time such that when I go to the gym (three days a week for three and a half to four hours) it is at the same general time my wife goes to Zumba. She tried going to the gym with me but she said that she couldn’t work out with me because “you are too intense.” Yeah, I’m intense. I don’t think the gym is a social club, a casual meeting place, or a place to hang out. It is a tool for accomplishing physical goals and purposes. Nothing annoys me more than someone just sitting at a station playing Candy Crush Saga, Texting, Snap Chatting, etc. for five minutes between sets. Don’t get me wrong, I will take the time to assist others with spotting and have brief moments of conversation between exercises but I have a lot to accomplish in a very limited time. What I do in three days most people do in five to six days. This is due to me wanting to honor and maintain my marriage and relationship as well as other commitments while carving out time for myself (which I feel also feeds back into a better relationship by me being happy with myself and having a healthy outlet for stress).

I’m not willing to just resign to the fact that I’m older and subsequently have lower goals because of it. I am an overachiever! Yes, I have high goals and work to achieve or exceed them. I am also a realist in that I know that I can only do so much so fast. I fully realize that I may not be able to push myself as hard as I could when I was in my 20s, 30s, or even 40s but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t push myself. Growth, gains, or weight loss only come from pushing the limits. The only failure I recognize is the failure to try (which is utter failure). If you try and don’t succeed in achieving your goals you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, evaluate what went wrong, make positive changes, and begin working toward accomplishing your goals again because you are an overcomer and not a quitter.

So, here I am rapidly approaching the age of 53. I am lifting heavier than I have in my life to date. There are few people in the gym I go to that can go at the level I go (regardless of age). Yes, I am in intense pursuit of my goals. I strive for excellence and I’m not willing to give a mediocre effort. So yes, I am one of those annoying people that are giving it everything they have during their workout and I tend to grunt or make a little noise as I push my body to get those last couple of repetitions. Sorry about that folks, but I haven’t seen anyone with balls enough to say something to my face. The fact that I’m benching 470 pounds may have something to do with it. ;-) I want to live life to the full without ever saying: What if I had only tried a little harder? Seize the day and the opportunities you have! Give it your best effort! If you fall short make changes and try again! You have an opportunity to make positive changes until you die!

Well... There you go. I would enjoy getting your honest (non-sarcastic) input. :happy:

bobbystrongarm

I have a tendency to become a bit obsessive myself when it comes to things I like. I think a lot of guys do, I wouldn't feel too bad over that. Great job on pursuing what you want to achieve. I'm always impressed when I see a ripped older guy at the gym. That takes dedication.

As far as the wife bugging you, do you talk about it a lot? Sometimes I find it best to just internalize some of my thoughts. Perfect example, not many people share my knowledge or level of enthusiasm about cars even if they claim they are "car guys." I'm the type of guy that wants to know how it works, why it works, how to make it better, and what needs to calculated for total optimization. I work in an engineering department, shocker right? Most guys just want to slap shiny parts on and like to think its made the car better. I can make even most "car guys" snore when I start getting too technical. I know I take things too extremes, so when I deal with people who could careless I try my best to limit my sharing. I could easily see myself talking about my next meal, where i'm finding more protein, which meals I can eat while out, or my next strategy to break through a plateau and not even think anything odd about it. However, I'm sure I'd appear as an obsessed nut case to someone who did not share my drive. Try to focus more on mutual ground, or there's always the old trick of asking her questions. I think every guy has learned by adulthood that women love to talk about their day, even if you really rather not hear about all the details.

Anyways, best of luck with everything and keep up the good work.

romach79

Just a thought - the most important thing we have in this life is our relationships. It is good to be fit, but too much of a good thing ...

callbee66

No, you are not screwed up in the head. As a woman, I can say that it is very frustrating when your husband loses more weight or is as intense as you are. It is a known fact that men have an easier time losing weight to begin with. But with your intensity; you are doing even better. She, like most women, probably isn't happy with where she is right now. I do Zumba and walk/jog. But the weight does not come off as fast as I'd like it to. Just reassure her that you love her and that you are proud of what she is doing. Don't stop what you do because that is who you are. Just reassure her that you are doing this for you and no one else. Maybe work a little on your togetherness that doesn't involve the gym or working out. She might just be a little insecure. Keep up the good work. Good luck!

bcattoes

Honest reponse based solely on this long post. I think your wife may have a point. You admit to being obsessive and seem to see it as a good thing. But living with someone that has become obsessive over something new is not always pleasant. Also, based on the little history you have given, I am inclined to think that this very zealous attitude may not last. You say you had it once before, got to where you wanted to be, then backslid. That could come from creating an unsustainable lifestyle.

I am also older and totally agree that it's no excuse not to push oneself. I actually thinks it's reason to push a little harder. At least for me, staying fit was so much easier when I was younger. This may be gender related, though, and not apply to you.

And while your accomplishments are absolutely something to be proud of, your post comes off a little egotistical, while you seem to suggest that your wife is not working hard enough. If that is the attitude you project to her, I'd suggest toning that down a bit. She has her own balance to strike. Expecting her to make the same changes you have is unrealistic and unfair.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because I don't mean it that way. Just trying to give the honest reply you asked for. You really have made great progress and should be proud. Just be careful that it doesn't become the only thing in your life that matters.

mud7urtle

oddyogi

I don't really understand what kind of advice you're asking for. Was this whole post just to say you can bench 470 lbs?

jess7386

Honest reponse based solely on this long post. I think your wife may have a point. You admit to being obsessive and seem to see it as a good thing. But living with someone that has become obsessive over something new is not always pleasant. Also, based on the little history you have given, I am inclined to think that this very zealous attitude may not last. You say you had it once before, got to where you wanted to be, then backslid.

And while your accomplishments are absolutely something to be proud of, your post comes off a little egotistical, while you seem to suggest that your wife is not working hard enough. If that is the attitude you project to her, I'd suggest toning that down a bit. She has her own balance to strike. Expecting her to make the same changes you have is unrealistic and unfair.

This X100. You sound like a hard person to live with. I am definitely an overachiever myself, and this comes off as insufferable to me.

Your wife is trying. So are the people playing "candy crush" that "annoy you to no end" at the gym. Not trying to sound mean here, but I do think maybe you are trying to mask some of your own insecurities by being egotistical & reflecting said insecurities onto others.

Part of being in a relationship and a marriage with someone (the biggest part) is to love & support them and applaud their efforts. This involves not always putting yourself and your ego at the forefront of everything in life. While I'm not saying you should put your own desires and goals on hold, I think it's important to keep a healthy perspective on the big picture.

MistyEE

Maybe what your wife is saying sounds "critical" to you; but perhaps her intentions are not anywhere near that.

Could be, your wife sees how relentless you are in achieving/exceeding your goals for yourself, but not in your relationship. Just a thought...

I agree with the other posters...it is perfectly okay to be confident and to continue working towards your goals, as you see fit.
But that doesn't mean it should trump all other aspects of your relationship with your wife.

MRSpivey

A few things you guys and gals hit on are good. I do appreciate the honest feedback.
Yes, I am trying to keep a balance. My issue is that I had let my life become unbalanced, always doing for my wife and others at the detriment to myself (putting myself last and never having any time in the end, you would have thought I would have learned better at this point in my life). I am not trying to flip it 180 degrees. I’m just changing my lifestyle back to being healthy (both eating and exercise). My wife and I talk a lot and share our goals, dreams, ambitions, desires, emotions, etc. We both believe communication is vital to sustaining a good lasting relationship. One of the things I continually have to keep in mind is that she gets the impression that I have high expectations of/for her because I have high expectations of/for myself. Nothing could be further than the truth and I keep telling her that over and over. It’s a catch 22 because it seems the only win for her is for me to not set high goals for myself. So in essence I am to basically not have goals for myself that would exceed any goals she would set for herself. I’m really not egotistical/narcissistic, although I can come across that way. That is something my wife is really good about in letting me know when that could be a perception by how I’m saying something (apparently I should have had her critique my post). To address the poster asking about if my point of the post to just say how much I could bench… no, I forgot to tell you all that I have a quirky since of humor and I was folding that into describing my level of intensity.

romach79

:laugh: