Bargaining with Sister and Cancer-survivor Brother to Exercise

Mrk320

Hi all,

This is my first time posting and I’m really at a loss at the moment. My 17-year old brother survived brain cancer which is truly a blessing, but I’m so worried that he eats complete junk and refuses to exercise. My sister is the same way and is now obese. My mother used to be obese but had the bypass surgery, but still eats incredibly unhealthy and I can tell she’s gaining weight back. Every time I try to get my brother or sister to exercise with me (and I try to make it fun by biking or roller blading— never just going on a run or to the gym bc I know they’ll hate it) and I’m just completely exhausted by the bargaining I have to do to get them to agree. I get an extreme attitude or I have to plead with them to go with me and pretend like I can’t go alone because I feel unsafe (which is untrue). Does anyone have any suggestions? I feel like the health of my family is completely on my shoulders.

snowflake954

I'm sorry for your situation, but the more you push, the more they will resist. I bet if you were sneaking out to exercise and wanted to go alone, they'd be right there. I think I'd give it a break and just do you for awhile. They are responsible for themselves.

cmriverside

Yeah, you need to take that huge burden off your shoulders. This is not on you. If they don't want to take care of themselves, that's their business. Just keep doing the best thing for you, setting a good example without being pushy is your best shot at being influential.

BrianSharpe

All I can suggest is leading by example. As the old expression goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

xGreatWhiteNorthx

Sorry, but it's not your problem to fix and the more you push it, the more theyll resent you.

briscogun

It's like smoking, you can't MAKE someone quit. You can't MAKE someone want to exercise or be healthy. They have to want it for themselves.

All you can do is just let them know that you'd love for them to participate and do some activities with you, but you can't bribe or bargain someone into exercising/eating healthy.

springlering62

I am so sorry. I came up with special needs siblings. Not quite the same deal as you, but something that stressful and life consuming seems to create a need in some folks, those with particularly good hearts, to “make it right” or somehow level the playing field for those they love.

I am sorry you are learning this at a young age. It absolutely sucks- and can suck the life out of your future if you permit it to.

Unfortunately, what these lovely people are telling you is true. You cannot live for other people. They have to make their own choices and decisions. You being loving, supportive, Type A, or an enabler, none of that will turn them into what you want if they just don’t care themselves.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that, based on your heart and your sense of responsibility, you have a glowing future in front of you. Don’t waste it on woulda coulda shouldas on behalf of anyone else, no matter how much you love them.

You be you and let them be them, and if ever they are ready, be there to support them, but never ever ever prop them up.

Much love to you.

LiftandSkate

All you can do is be the light. If and when they are ready to see, they will know where to look.

harper16

It's not on your shoulders. Your health is on your shoulders, and there's is on there's. Focus on your own health. They'll have to decide for themselves when/if they want to focus on exercising and diet.

busyPK

Best advise is to keep up the exercise yourself and let them see how happy it makes you feel. Maybe they will then decide for themselves to try it. But it is their life, their choice.

NorthCascades

It's not your job, don't blame yourself. If cancer couldn't change their behavior, you won't be able to either.

Shortgirlrunning

Each person’s health is their responsibility. You are not responsible for your entire family’s health.

Focus on yourself, keep inviting (but just invite, don’t bargain, don’t beg, don’t ask more than once) and maybe one day they’ll join in. But it’s not your responsibility to make them live a healthy lifestyle.

LKArgh

You are not the parent, you cannot make siblings do anything. It is sad, but it is what it is. Not your responsibility, you are taking over something that is not for you to accomplish or to feel guilty about.