Tired of Starting Over! Time to Just DO IT!

lowcalorielovepotion

I've been "starting over" my weight loss a countless number of times over the past year and a half, it's become exhausting and honestly it's to the point that when I do "start over" and think "ok, this is it! i'm gonna do this!" I can't even trust myself to even believe that it's gonna last considering how many times I end up failing within 1 week to a month of staying on track. But on Monday I weighed myself for the first time in like, a month, and I thought I was still at 146lb, but turns out I finally reached the number I've been dreading all this time, 150lb!!

Now, that's not the worst weight ever, not at all, but with my height of 5ft it puts me at a BMI of 28 (overweight). Some people say that BMI doesn't matter, but when you aren't taking care of yourself and not exercising and always overeating and you've managed to put back on that much weight after losing it all, then yea the BMI kinda matters. It means I'm not treating my body the way I should. And I can tell it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I cannot stand the thought of continuing on and on like this. It sucks, it makes things uncomfortable, and I wanna fit back into some of my favorite clothes again.

I had lost weight before, got down to the lowest weight I've even been (109lb), where I was even 11lb smaller than I was in the 7th grade! (but now i'm 30lb over my 7th grade weight, and getting closer to my original starting weight in 2016, which was around 160-170lb). During that time, I was definitely undereating, and not having the healthiest relationship with food. Scared of eating a whole banana, being anti-apples ("too much sugar"), had to eat "clean" and wouldn't even eat a protein bar cuz it wasn't "clean", all while binging almost every weekend. Walking through a grocery store was almost painful because I would be surrounded by all this delicious food that in my head I was plotting on what to binge on but would never touch because I wanted to be skinny.

All that self control, that was so tightly wound up, finally snapped during autumn-winter of 2018, to the point I was just overeating every day and in constant grief over it. Went from 109 to 134lb in just a few months. Spring of 2019 was SUPER stressful so I was constantly going back and forth between undereating and overeating. Summer 2019 was a struggle but I thought I was doing decent, even if I didn't like being 140lb. Autumn 2019 I was trying to eat "intuitively", which is just simply eating "normal". I think it worked for a while, I was exercising regularly and eating moderately healthy but never scared to eat dessert but wasn't forcefully stuffing myself with food either. I was OK with my size for once. Winter 2019 just turned into constant comfort eating, I was comfortable in my big sweatshirt and too cold to do anything and just wanted to bake a cake and eat it and lay down all day. Then it dawned on me on Christmas how much *kitten* I'm putting into my body that it ended up triggering me back into my undereating tendencies so in January I was eating 500 calories everyday, trying to exercise everyday, & constantly dizzy and weak and an emotional rollercoaster. Lost 10lbs. After that, I went back to binge eating for a couple month, had another cycle of extreme undereating that didn't last long, and since then I've been back and forth trying to get my sh&t together and giving up. Constantly losing and re-gaining the same few pounds, this time, I gained more than expected. Always lacking energy, never happy. Nothing seemed to make me feel better.

But I'm so tired of giving up. I know patience isn't my strongest element, I easily get overwhelmed by how much work & time I need to put in to lose the weight & fat. Sometimes I can't even believe that I'll be able to do such a thing a second time around, I already put in so much time, effort, and energy the first time that it seemed impossible to do again. I’ve convinced myself many times that the only way I can ever do this again is to undereat, workout excessively, fear all carbs, and just deal with how tired I am just like I used to be. Other things made it difficult, like my mother worrying about me (rightfully so) when she sees I’m back to counting calories, measuring my food, being picky about what I want to eat. I also get “scared” of “missing out” on a certain food, or that I’ll “regret” not eating something later on. I just can’t seem to trust myself most of the time. Part of me knows better, and another (almost louder voice) in my head keeps saying “but are you sure???”. Most of the time, I give in to the other voice.

But isn't that half the challenge to weight loss and sticking to a healthy lifestyle and building healthy habits? Having to constantly face obstacles and choices between coming across as "picky" for preferring to eat a protein-filled salad over pizza or just giving in and eating a huge slice and then dessert and then a soda and then some cereal cuz f&ck it you already failed? How many chances to you get to give in and fail before you realize you're never gonna get anywhere with those actions and mindset? How many excuses do you get, when you feel like your wellbeing is on the line? Eventually you have to be honest with yourself and understand that there aren't many chances & excuses. There may be reasons, but sometimes being depressed doesn't mean you should eat everything in your cabinet and then more. It never takes the hurt away, it doesn't clear the brain fog, it doesn't improve your self esteem. It makes it worse. So that's why I feel like this is my chance to finally get back MY control over MY body and MY habits, and no one can do this for me because only I have the power of what I do with my body. I want to feel alive, human, healthy. Not like a trash can.

So here I am, once again, on MyFitnessPal, Day 4 (after many Day 4's), not even TRYING to make a change, just simply MAKING A CHANGE. PERIOD. I only have myself to compare to, and personally I prefer the Fit Me way more than the Current Me. I prefer to not have a dumpling face lol. My goal is to lose about 35-40lb in a year, and be a completely New Me by next summer. Hell, if I keep this up I'll be a New Me by this Winter! (which will face me with my biggest challenge: comfort eating cuz i'm sad and cold. i will battle this with plenty of hot healthy soups and homemade protein cakes! lol). I know 35-40lb doesn't sound like a lot, especially since so many here have a higher starting weight and lost hundreds of pounds but for me it's a lot. Again, I only have myself to compare.

It's going to be difficult, but making positive progress on ANYTHING is difficult to tell you the truth. Whether it's learning your favorite craft, learning a new language, or building a house. Your body is a house and houses aren't built in a week. It takes time and energy and effort to build up the foundation and everything else. Construction workers wouldn't bulldoze a half-built house if they ran out of supplies instead of just getting more, so why would you or I give up any progress made because we're tired or facing hardships within our journey?

Just gotta take this a day at a time, looking out any further will just get overwhelming. But when you focus on what you need to do to get through today and tomorrow and just keep on keeping on, next thing you know you're finally 5 months in after thinking you would never make it past the first month, let alone the first couple of weeks. At least that's what I have to keep reminding myself on a constant basis. Personally, I'm excited for this, I KNOW I can lose this weight, and I hope one day to fit back into a mini skirt I've been waiting to wear for 2 years now lol.

I hope you all have a safe day, week, and month. Enjoy your 4th of July, whether that means treating yourself a little or making choices against indulging too much. Personally, I'm finding an even balance between the two and I can't wait! You're all beautiful souls and I'm rooting for your success. Remember to wear a mask when you go out, it would suck if any of you got sick.

I hope my message reaches out to some of you (actually, I hope this whole post makes sense in the first place lol, I went on quite the preach-y rant didn't I?). This post is for me as much as it is for you, if you can relate. We're all in this together and some of you are proof that keeping up with the hard work & living healthily is possible.

Please feel free to add me on here as I love to make friends here, it makes the journey easier when you have others to share it with! I'd love to support y'all as well. Peach out