Not feeling your size?

ReenieHJ

Wasn't sure how to name this post. But I still feel like a size different than what I am. I always felt like size 8 was a smallish size but now that's where I'm at and have been for a year+. Why do I still feel like my old sizes? How do you get over that, or do you always stay the old size somewhere in your mind?

springlering62

Reenie, I absolutely know what you are saying here.

I went from a 22W to an 8 in six months, then to a 2 by a year later.

But when I would look in the mirror, I would see plump me. I would honestly see thick thighs, chubby cheeks, stomach rolls, hanging butt. I despaired, because the weight was falling off but I didn’t look any different. Clothes were hanging on me, but I still felt drawn to big sizes because I looked big in the mirror.

Some wise people here told me it was Body Dysmorphia. I had never heard of that and frankly, it sounded a little woo-woo. But if my experience was anything to go by, it does exist. At times it was almost frightening. TBH, I thought I was going a little crazy.

What ultimately “woke me up” was a photo on social media. I recognized my husband but I didn’t recognize the woman he was with, even though I knew only I was there at that moment in time. I honestly got dizzy for a moment when I recognized......myself.

I don’t know why that lifted the shutters for me, but it did.

Suddenly I saw me through totally different eyes.

Strangely, I then worried about everything I was seeing. I was too thin, stringy neck, gaunt face, fine weight loss skin pleats all over. I think I rebounded to the other side of the universe for a couple of months.

My body is now “redecorating” itself yet again. (That’s for you @Diatonic12). The terrible sags on my kneecaps and thighs have retracted, my face is filling back out, oddly enough I noticed yesterday I don’t have much cellulite, and my stomach, while still something akin to a salt water taffy free for all pull, doesn’t pull as far as it did a few weeks ago.

Just stick with it. Your head will come round.

Have someone you love and trust take some photos of you, from all angles. Really look at yourself in a full length mirror, both dressed and not. Have a pull-fest and pull out all the extra skin and (sorry!) blubber as far as you can. Feel it, experience it. And then do it again in a couple of weeks, a month. You’ll be surprised at how your body will accommodate extra goodness over here and compensate by shifting things over there.

Our bodies are a marvel. Our brains, a mystery.

KrissDotCom

When I was a size 8 I always felt huge too.. id have moments of clarity..

Like when this couple almost fell on top of me trying to take their seats and they were about 300lbs each and I realized just how tiny I was but it was fleeting.

I think it's hard for our brains to catch up with reality, especially if you were like me, obese your whole life and spent your life accommodating yourself as a bigger person, judging where you could sit in a crowd, realizing you're the biggest person in the room, trying to squeeze through small spaces.. etc.

Our brains have just spent so much time wired as a large person, we need to rewire it now that we are small

Think how many years of deep trails of thought patterns you've created, carving new ones takes time..

Like a Forrest with a trail.. it takes many people walking off that trail to create another one going somewhere else.

ghudson92

I completely resonate with this. I am a size 8 now but I still feel like I did when I was 2 stone heavier. Sometimes when I catch my reflection I am astounded.

Lietchi

My head is all over the place, so I have no answer for you.

I've lost 20kg (44lbs) but still at least 6kg to go before I reach a healthy weight (according to BMI).

I have times where I feel super slim and don't dislike my reflection in the mirror. Then at other times, especially undressed, I only see flab and fat and I feel only slightly slimmer than my starting weight.

Clothing doesn't help either, my sizes are all over the place: from medium to XL, total mind *kitten*.

Deciding when I've reached an acceptable maintenance weight (just within a normal BMI or lower) is going to be a tricky thing

NovusDies

We talk about this in my group. I call it "Fat Brain".

So many people think the "slow" way is so slow but when you actually pull it off it can feel like a very quick transformation. The brain doesn't seem to adapt that fast. I had problems with clothing and problems with my old fat habits. It took me some time to stop looking for an over-sized chair to sit in. Each time I get in a booth seat at a restaurant I have a moment in which I feel like I won't fit then I am excited when I do.

Covid has slowed down my fat brain rewiring for sure. I have made progress but I have been down to more or less vanity pounds for 6 months and I am still fighting it.

I will say that I very recently stopped wearing a size too large shirt and I now feel uncomfortable in shirts that are baggy. That is an achievement.

scarlett_k

I wouldn't say I *feel* like my old sizes, if anything I can literally feel the difference as in I can feel my ribs and muscles underneath the remaining fat, and I generally feel a lot healthier and comfortable. But if I look at myself I don't notice the difference unless I look at a comparison picture. Even then I can convince myself not much has changed (43 kg has changed!) But then, the weight crept up in the first place and I didn't really notice until I realised I was struggling to do up a shoe lace when sat in the car and I had back pain for no reason (well, the reason being I was very overweight).

springlering62

.....and this is why I am such a fan of MFP. Shared experience, indeed.

If we were to say these things to anyone else, they just wouldn’t understand.

Even my wonderful husband couldn’t understand when I would complain I didn’t look different. He would tell me he saw it, and that I looked wonderful, but I could not see it.

I’ve heard of “blinded by love”. Then there’s “blinded by fat”. Our brains. I tell ya....

Shortgirlrunning

I’m always shocked by how I look in pictures. I feel like the weight I lost hasn’t made that huge of a difference but of course it really has! I have a bunch of progress pictures saved on my phone just to remind me that I am not that big anymore. I’m sure eventually I won’t need them anymore but they help for now.

spiriteagle99

Body dysmorphia is real and can last a long time. I've been thin for several years now. I lost 55 lbs. I can see all my ribs and have been told by my husband that I am now too thin. A doctor and nurse separately made comments about how skinny I am. I still look down at myself and think I'm too fat around the waist and thighs. In photos I actually think I look good, but I rarely get my photo taken since for so many years I tossed all pictures because I hated the way I looked. So there is a disconnect between what I see when I look at myself directly and when I look at a photo.

AnnPT77

Me, too.

I'm mostly over it, now (almost 5 years after reaching goal weight), but I think I still don't see myself accurately.

I remember posting photos on the before & after face photo thread, and saying I wasn't sure there was much difference from around 50 pounds loss. I truly didn't see much. Others on the thread told me it was very noticeable. I still couldn't really see it then. Later, comparing the same photos, I could see it. The brain is weird.

I can't tell you when things changed, because different things changed conceptually at different times for me, and a few still aren't 100% there. Visually, picking out clothes at a store, I still often initially pick one size up from my real fit (used to be worse unreality than one size, but I'm still a little off). But now my old clothes look really big (they were size 20-ish) and my current ones kind of normal; at first the size 6s looked freakishly tiny, but I'm used to them now when they come out of the dryer.

I went through that "not recognizing myself when passing a mirror" thing for a while, and also skirting people and furniture widely enough to avoid my old body bumping them. I passed a trainer I knew in the hall at the Y one day, and he actually said (referring to himself) "I'm not that big!" and I replied "But I still think I am!".

I'd expect you'll internalize the change, or some of it, over time, but it may be gradual, or different for different contexts.

dhiammarath

Same.

I've lost about 46-48kgs (~101 - 105lbs) depending on water fluctuation at the time -- and my clothing size has changed drastically. I always think I must be lying about my size, especially with still 5-10kg left to go (I'm taking it day by day, really and will stop when I feel comfortable).

The reality is... I send pictures to my bestie all the time asking her if it looks like I'm squeezing into my clothes. If my inner rubber duckie floatie is sticking out more than it should. To my eyes, it looks insurmountable and large, but she tells me, "IT'S BARELY THERE YOU CRAZY WOMAN." (we joke like that and I always laugh -- she keeps me sane).

I have lost roughly 20 sizes. And the last few pounds are really the ones that will help the clothes "settle" in the right places vs. "I expect to drop more sizes".

In the mirror, I see me of +25kgs (~55lbs) ago and not the me of now. But I no longer see the starting me. I have finally have managed to catch up to some part of this weight loss. And it's been slow for me as well. Brains are weird, and so are insecurities.

So I hope that someday, I can see myself in the mirror and think "wow, I'm awesome! Look at all that awesome showing!" Instead of, "MY FAT IS HANGING OUT I MUST BE LYING TO MYSELF THAT I'M THIS SIZE. THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT. I AM CRAZY TO THINK I LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THIS SIZE."

That me's voice is very loud. XD

Overtakes every other more productive thought. XD

ReenieHJ

I know the biggest size I ever took was between 18-20. Being in an 8 I still feel at least like a 14 so figured it was the vanity sizing of current times. I did wear a 6 for about a year and everyone commented that I was too thin. I felt slim and sleek then.
Hopefully my brain will catch up eventually and I'll become more real to myself. But I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking these types of things.
My sister must do the same thing because she swears she wears size 14-16 and large tops yet she appears smaller than I do. Her clothes hang on her but I don't think she realizes it.
The brain can be a wondrous confusing organ.

bmeadows380

yup I'm dealing with it still and probably will for a long time. I simply can't see it myself; not in the mirror, and only when I did a side by side picture could I tell, but that was fleeting. My brain has not accepted yet that I"m no longer in a 30/32W but now an 18W and flirting with a 16W (which is funny because to some people, 18W is huge; to me, it was a life long pipe dream that I can't process I have achieved yet). I might even make it to a 14W before I finish losing what I want to lose.

I still see myself as that huge person I've been all my life. When I go to jiu-jitsu class, I want to apologize to my rolling partner because I feel like I must be crushing them as I still see myself as that 375 lb person I used to be. I'm looking for weight limits on chairs and equipment and still thinking that if it can't accommodate a person 300 lbs, then I can't use it. I"m still avoiding booths and still want to grab size 24W's off the rack.

I'm 40 this year and still have the dress I wore to my high school graduation, plus 2 skirts and a pair of shirts from those days. Back in the spring, I couldn't figure out why those clothes were so big now; I thought I was around the same weight I was in high school, right? Has vanity sizing changed that much? But the shorts were a size 24 and huge, the dress a 26, and the skirts were 22-24's. Then not long after, I saw a picture that had been taken of my graduating class and it struck me as I look at myself in that picture - I am WAY smaller than I was in high school!

But I still can't see it. I think a big part of the problem is the muffin top and apron, not to mention my huge thighs. My muffin top is a good 5 inches bigger than my natural waist, and even though it is deflating fast, it still sticks out so when I look down at my tummy, I don't see my actual waist, I see that darned muffin top. I can tell where the love handles have gotten smaller on my thighs, but my hips are still huge (though a big component of that is genetics - thank you, grandma *sigh*) The huge hips are making it increasingly difficult to buy pants - belts have become an absolute necessity these days!

Course with as much weight as I have lost and considering where I started from, the skin is only going to tighten up so much, especially also considering that have been obese for a good 30 years - I started gaining weight exponentially around age 12 and was heavy from that point to now. The muffin top isn't going to go away by itself, no matter how much my skin tightens up in the meantime. So that little part of my dysmorphia problems isn't going to go away.

LivingtheLeanDream

It definately takes a while for your head to take in that you are in fact slim - goodness I'm in year 7 of maintenance and still find it odd sometimes to catch myself in the mirror and see a slim person. I know I'm slim now, the size of my clothes tells me that, but with being overweight for the best part of 20 years its hard to think of myself even yet in that way.

brittneyalley

It’s so weird. I started at 167, and I’m 127 now (5’1). I still have some pounds to lose, but sometimes I don’t feel smaller. It’s so annoying.

peggy_polenta

i lost 126 and reached my goal in 2010/2011. i was obese most of my life. i still see myself as fat. i range from a size 4 to a size 10 depending. when i fold my clothes they look like little girl clothes. when i look in the mirror i STILL see myself as fat 9 years later. i am still very conscious of my 'large' size. even pictures of me...i think i look heavy. i see women in public and think...jeez she has such a nice figure i would love to be so slim...then i'll catch a glimpse of two us in a mirror or something and see that that same woman has 30 pounds on me. occasionally i'll catch my reflection in a store window or something and be surprised its me and say to myself...'omg you are too thin...eat a cheeseburger!'. to be honest, i think its actually a good thing in that it keeps me on guard and keeps me in maintenance (9/10 years and counting). i also eat and think like i always have 10 pounds to loose. it keeps me very vigilant. i am very careful about saying out loud to people..omg im so fat. since i know that is annoying to people and hurtful, i think and i remember when i was actually fat and slim women would say that, i'd be angry with them and think...i wish i was a fat as you.

dawnkirkwood18

I still have trouble seeing the changes other than in pictures and I constantly try on sizes too big for me. Another interesting phenomenon for me is I feel like I have imposter syndrome- I don’t belong to either the fit and slender ground or the plus size and inactive group. It is funny actually- I try to work on it daily.

springlering62

dawnkirkwood18 wrote: »

I feel like I have imposter syndrome- I don’t belong to either the fit and slender ground or the plus size and inactive group.

Oh wow. Well said.

hist_doc

spiriteagle99 wrote: »

Body dysmorphia is real and can last a long time. I've been thin for several years now. I lost 55 lbs. I can see all my ribs and have been told by my husband that I am now too thin. A doctor and nurse separately made comments about how skinny I am. I still look down at myself and think I'm too fat around the waist and thighs. In photos I actually think I look good, but I rarely get my photo taken since for so many years I tossed all pictures because I hated the way I looked. So there is a disconnect between what I see when I look at myself directly and when I look at a photo.

I understand. I was diagnosed with BDD several years ago but my psychologist says that it probably started when I was about 7 years old. I have early memories of pinching my skin folds in my arm pit and not “liking it” and not wanting it there. From that point forward, I have never liked skin touching itself—it’s weird—I know. There’s more to my disorder but I won’t delve into it. After working with a psychologist for many years, I’ve come to understand that I see myself as 25-30% larger than I am. I am 5’8” and weigh about 135-140. I’m very fit and I am a marathon runner. There’s the logical rationale that knows this and then the BDD part of my brain that can be incredibly crippling at times. It used to take me hours to get dressed and leave my apartment—and it wasn’t due to vanity. It was simply because clothing never felt quite right or emphasized the wrong parts and somehow everything would collapse around me if I left the house having made the wrong decision about my choice of blouse. Like you, I don’t recognize myself in photos. Unless my husband really insists, I never want my photo taken. I didn’t even want photos of our wedding day but we did get them. I’m doing better now but it has been a long road. BDD is a nightmare.