No attraction left
noah49822
Posts: 61 Member
I thought losing a ton of weight would make my wife find me attractive, but I feel worthless that she doesn't even give me a second look.
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Replies
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I thought losing a ton of weight would make my wife find me attractive, but I feel worthless that she doesn't even give me a second look.
Well bubba, losing weight won't immediately make someone "like" you. I am NO expert on women, but confidence can be a bigger turn on that your figure. I don't like to use this, but SOME women will take a man for granted until they notice other ladies looking at him. Hit the gym lifting! Work on gaining some muscle. Work on your confidence and see what happens. Best of luck.6 -
I'm just warming UP.
You are a beautiful man. Really.
I know, I know. You probably love your wife to smithereens.
Let's make this all about you. Today, you must realize that you, you, you are good enough. This is your daily reminder that you can handle anything that today will throw at you. Noah, expressing your emotions is a strength. Today, is your reminder to keep checking in with your strong friends. They don't call me the little general for nothing. I've been through some hail on earth, Noah. I have. We simply haven't got the time to go there.
This is about you and I can hear your heart from there to here. Keep checking in.
You're beautiful and special. I care.11 -
psychod787 wrote: »I thought losing a ton of weight would make my wife find me attractive, but I feel worthless that she doesn't even give me a second look.
Well bubba, losing weight won't immediately make someone "like" you. I am NO expert on women, but confidence can be a bigger turn on that your figure. I don't like to use this, but SOME women will take a man for granted until they notice other ladies looking at him. Hit the gym lifting! Work on gaining some muscle. Work on your confidence and see what happens. Best of luck.
While this is not bad advice in general it is not the key here.
@noah49822 you need to talk to her and find out where her head is at. If her perception of you has soured it is most likely on a level that exceeds physical appearance. If it has not soured it may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and how she perceives herself or something happening in her world.
Also remember that it is not the large gestures that matter as much as the daily stuff.15 -
Sorry to hear your feeling this way, but from experience attraction is not all about your weight, how have the two of you been getting along. Have you been nice to her and vice versa, to keep someone attracted once we know each other we have to keep the mental connection between strong and good.
From experience if me and my guy are arguing a lot and just taking the relationship for granted by not spending enough time as a couple doing things we both enjoy, not watching the negative things we say to one another and or not taking care of our bodies, it forces couples further apart. Sit down with her and have an honest conversation with her about how you're feeling and go from there. As an outsider I can suggest all type of reasons and opinions, but you know each other better than outsiders so please have a talk with your spouse.
Best of care.5 -
I really just feel like she has no interest in general, I'm sure there are bigger issues, but it's still frustrating!! Infuriating actually. She shows zero interest in me anymore10
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*snip* you need to talk to her and find out where her head is at. If her perception of you has soured it is most likely on a level that exceeds physical appearance. If it has not soured it may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and how she perceives herself or something happening in her world. *more snip*
This part 👍🏿I really just feel like she has no interest in general, I'm sure there are bigger issues, but it's still frustrating!! Infuriating actually. She shows zero interest in me anymore
That part 👎🏿
Not thumbing down your feelings but how it's making you feel. Now...can you imagine how she feels too?
There's no way around the talking part. Be gentle and patient with each other. COVID-19 is really out here stressing marriages but don't succumb if there's a chance to salvage this in a mutually beneficial way for you both.
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Sadly. The first truth of weight loss is... It won't fix your life.18
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Noah, I remember your posts. No one has to live in our body. Our transformation is just not about looks. I do remember what you've said as you were working so very hard. Keep making this about you. Let's just take a moment to appreciate your achievements.
Your body is the greatest friend you will ever have in this life. Our body stands faithfully beside us as we do anything we want to it. It's there. Trying so very hard to please and accommodate us through thick and thin. Good times and bad, sad times. It's right there. Your body is the best friend you're ever going to have so treat it with kindness and all of the love you can muster from within. Your body offers UP peaceful resistance as we put it through all kinds of multi-cr@p. Our bodies are nothing but pure love. So go ahead and love the smithereens right out of your body. You won't be getting another one.
Noah. Love yourself. Start there and rest will fall into place. Keep leading by your example.4 -
I really just feel like she has no interest in general, I'm sure there are bigger issues, but it's still frustrating!! Infuriating actually. She shows zero interest in me anymore
I imagine it is infuriating. Understand though if losing weight had changed things for the better there would still be a problem because that would make her feeling for you too superficial. The kind of woman you can interest only by being a certain weight, wearing the right clothes, having the nice hair is not the woman who stays by your side through the good and bad of life and aging. That would mean your relationship never matured past the honeymoon phase. That does happen. I hope it has not happened to you.
A relationship is like a car trip. You are driving towards your personal and mutual goals in life. It is not love that drives you forward. It is love that keeps you in the car when the car no longer has that new car smell and the paint is a little faded. It is compatibility that drives you forward. If your goals are in conflict with each other or if one (or both) of you are anchors to the other's goals you will hit resentment and ultimately a crossroad. An example of an anchor situation is the common issue of spending/savings habits and goals. If one person wants to build a comfortable amount of savings and investments to hedge against emergencies and build for large purchases and retirement they will not appreciate being in a relationship with someone who continually spends money on frivolous things. An example of goal conflict could be the difference in wanting kids and really wanting to have no kids.
If resentment has set in for some reason there is no amount of weight loss that can bring the fire back. It has to be fixed at the root of the problems. I still say it is time to have a conversation and perhaps couple's therapy.
In the meantime you need to continue to work on being present in the relationship if you want it to continue. The question you want to keep asking yourself is how can I make her day easier and brighter? Start with the things you do that annoy her. If you leave socks in the floor and it bothers her then pick them up. Don't do it for praise, don't do it for sex, do it because you love her and this is what a good partner does. This is what I was saying in my other reply. You can't leave your socks in the floor (figuratively) 364 days a year and believe that flowers on Valentine's day will be enough to cover you.
Oh and it has been my experience that women have a strongly developed radar for ulterior motives. If you offer to take her plate and clean up after dinner with the hope that it will end in sex she will likely know it. We men are apparently easy to read. It is better if you mentally take sex off the table.
I am not accusing you of anything and perhaps you are already a mostly ideal spouse. I don't know. I am just giving general advice that I have given to other men in this situation. There is a chance that you two are just not in sync and she thinks you have no interest in her.
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As someone that has lost attraction to their husband, it probably has nothing to do with the weight. For me, personally, I lost attraction to my husband from his actions (or lack their of). He drinks way too much and doesn't follow through with what he says. Are you happy with yourself? Are you doing what you can to make your wife happy and show her she is loved? Make sure you know her love language and act accordingly.
The other side to this is she may have issues she is not dealing with herself. That's one I don't really have much to say about.10 -
Speaking only in general here. When anyone wants us to go along for their ride and there's addictive behavior attached to it, it's controlling. Misery may want company but we just can't go there. When someone withdraws from us because we won't go along for their ride you've got to maintain your own balance. Find your balance.
When someone chooses to entertain themselves with food rewards for the rest of their lives and they withdraw or react in negative ways we must maintain our boundaries. Boundaries are good or others can walk all over us.
Distorted thinking = distorted behaviors. We have one body and no one has to live in it but us. Start thinking waaaay down the road. This body takes care of you and allows you to provide for your families and children. They depend on you to be there for them. Without you and your body there is no provision and shelter.
Immediate gratification and entertaining ourselves with food rewards is a distraction. Do you want to reach the end of life and look back at all of the missed opportunities. All addictive behaviors result in regret at some particular point in time.
Keep fighting for your lives. We are in a battle. Emotions and logical reasoning. We can't fix distorted thinking and distorted behaviors by going along for their ride, too. As my father says, we've got to use our heads besides something to part our ears with.2 -
I really just feel like she has no interest in general, I'm sure there are bigger issues, but it's still frustrating!! Infuriating actually. She shows zero interest in me anymore
losing weight won't make someone interested in you unless the only reason they lost interest was that you put on weight, and in my experience, that's fairly rare. it's probably nothing to do with your looks.
why not actually talk to your wife and find out what's up? she's literally the ONLY person in the universe who can tell you, although it's possible she's not clear on it, either. still, without talking to her, you'll never know.6 -
Speaking from experience, she may have moved on emotionally, especially if she's on her phone a lot and doesn't talk or connect with you in any meaningful way. My husband was emotionally absent for at least a year before he left, and I'm now convinced he was playing the field. See if she'll discuss the issue with you like a caring adult or just deflect and project. That will tell you if she's done with you in her heart and just working on a smooth exit strategy. Sorry if that hurts, but I wish I knew that a year ago. Hugs! Life goes on.5
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Sadly. The first truth of weight loss is... It won't fix your life.
BING! This is more true than we will ever give credit. Someone who loves you for how you look...doesn't love you. As others have said, be proud of your accomplishments and what it means for the care you are taking of you! With that pride will eventually come confidence.
And as I have had to learn through much heartache: It's not you, it's her.2 -
Well she told me she wants a divorce this morning, so I guess that tells me everything I need to know.23
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I’m SO sorry. I was there a few months back. I was crushed. Please remember, life goes on, and so will you, even if it may take work to glue the pieces back together. Take care of yourself!Well she told me she wants a divorce this morning, so I guess that tells me everything I need to know.
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Mithridites wrote: »Speaking from experience, she may have moved on emotionally, especially if she's on her phone a lot and doesn't talk or connect with you in any meaningful way. My husband was emotionally absent for at least a year before he left, and I'm now convinced he was playing the field. See if she'll discuss the issue with you like a caring adult or just deflect and project. That will tell you if she's done with you in her heart and just working on a smooth exit strategy. Sorry if that hurts, but I wish I knew that a year ago. Hugs! Life goes on.
From my experience, this rings true. Many ladies and guys won't leave until they have another person picked out. I am sorry bubba that she wants a divorce. They are NOT easy. There will be times when you just want to give up and go back to your old ways. DON'T! Find a reason to keep fighting for yourself.4 -
I thought losing a ton of weight would make my wife find me attractive, but I feel worthless that she doesn't even give me a second look.
I didn't read any of the comments besides this so if this was already addressed I apologize. honestly all I want to do is move from behind my keyboard to hug you but I know that's not possible.
Communication and connection is everything in a relationship. Some things to ask yourself: How have you expressed that this bothers you to her? Is she is supporting you in your journey? Does she even know this is important to you? Hell, do you know and support her in the things that she does or is into?
I'm not necessarily looking for you to answer these questions for me or anyone here but more so for you to determine if this relationship is worth saving by opening that line of communication again or if it's one of those things that doesnt seem worth fighting for.
I truly hope this is just a rough patch..
One additional question that im curious about: are you getting more outside attention that youve noticed? (Double takes on the street, compliments from friends/family/strangers, e tc) i understand this isnt the same as from your wife; but if it is happening, please take some comfort in the fact that you're progress isnt wasted.1 -
Awhile back, it was the food thing that was an issue. That must have been just a smokescreen.0
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Well she told me she wants a divorce this morning, so I guess that tells me everything I need to know.
The first truth of life is... Familiarity breeds contempt.
There's something that attracted her to you once...others will find it too.
Look for support groups in your area. A Shared pain is lessened.
Living well is the best revenge. Live well my friend and remember you are not alone.
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psychod787 wrote: »I thought losing a ton of weight would make my wife find me attractive, but I feel worthless that she doesn't even give me a second look.
Well bubba, losing weight won't immediately make someone "like" you. I am NO expert on women, but confidence can be a bigger turn on that your figure. I don't like to use this, but SOME women will take a man for granted until they notice other ladies looking at him. Hit the gym lifting! Work on gaining some muscle. Work on your confidence and see what happens. Best of luck.
Quite honestly, I would ditch such a guy. I don't want a guy with a sixpack who knows it all but someone who pays attention to me, has time for me, listens, someone I can chat about everything with and do things together with (no, not sitting in front of the telly) and who respects it when I want to be alone. I don't want a guy who thinks attraction is only about looks and confidence, and who spends all his free time in the gym or calculating how much protein he needs exactly, who tries to overpower me with his confidence and by doing so ignores my needs. This is true the other way around as well. It's about living together and enjoying ones togetherness, and nothing else.7 -
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psychod787 wrote: »I thought losing a ton of weight would make my wife find me attractive, but I feel worthless that she doesn't even give me a second look.
Well bubba, losing weight won't immediately make someone "like" you. I am NO expert on women, but confidence can be a bigger turn on that your figure. I don't like to use this, but SOME women will take a man for granted until they notice other ladies looking at him. Hit the gym lifting! Work on gaining some muscle. Work on your confidence and see what happens. Best of luck.
Quite honestly, I would ditch such a guy. I don't want a guy with a sixpack who knows it all but someone who pays attention to me, has time for me, listens, someone I can chat about everything with and do things together with (no, not sitting in front of the telly) and who respects it when I want to be alone. I don't want a guy who thinks attraction is only about looks and confidence, and who spends all his free time in the gym or calculating how much protein he needs exactly, who tries to overpower me with his confidence and by doing so ignores my needs. This is true the other way around as well. It's about living together and enjoying ones togetherness, and nothing else.
Why can't a man be both caring and care about his appearance? A person can be confident in his appearance and a person who does none of the bad things listened above and all the good. The trouble sometimes with significant others is they start to take their other for granted. Many adults of both sexes are like little kids. We can have a toy that we ignore until we see someone else wanting to play with it. We all need reminders of what we have.4 -
Well she told me she wants a divorce this morning, so I guess that tells me everything I need to know.
That is tough. I had a feeling it was heading in this direction but I didn't want to throw the 'D' word out there if there was still hope.
I don't know what kind of woman you are dealing with here or who is in her ear but I would bet she made this decision some time ago so she has had time to think and prepare. You should take reasonable steps to protect yourself and at least consult an attorney right away.
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@noah49822, how are you doing?0
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psychod787 wrote: »psychod787 wrote: »I thought losing a ton of weight would make my wife find me attractive, but I feel worthless that she doesn't even give me a second look.
Well bubba, losing weight won't immediately make someone "like" you. I am NO expert on women, but confidence can be a bigger turn on that your figure. I don't like to use this, but SOME women will take a man for granted until they notice other ladies looking at him. Hit the gym lifting! Work on gaining some muscle. Work on your confidence and see what happens. Best of luck.
Quite honestly, I would ditch such a guy. I don't want a guy with a sixpack who knows it all but someone who pays attention to me, has time for me, listens, someone I can chat about everything with and do things together with (no, not sitting in front of the telly) and who respects it when I want to be alone. I don't want a guy who thinks attraction is only about looks and confidence, and who spends all his free time in the gym or calculating how much protein he needs exactly, who tries to overpower me with his confidence and by doing so ignores my needs. This is true the other way around as well. It's about living together and enjoying ones togetherness, and nothing else.
Why can't a man be both caring and care about his appearance? A person can be confident in his appearance and a person who does none of the bad things listened above and all the good. The trouble sometimes with significant others is they start to take their other for granted. Many adults of both sexes are like little kids. We can have a toy that we ignore until we see someone else wanting to play with it. We all need reminders of what we have.
A relationship evolves.
During the early phases it is immature. There is not a lot of reality but there is a lot of heat. Chemicals in your brain are running wild.
A truly committed relationship has made it past the reintroduction of reality. You have settled in for the long haul. If it takes a third party's interest in your S.O. to get you interested you aren't really in this phase.
My marriage is well seasoned but I can assure you that at this very moment I truly believe that any man would be lucky to have my wife and many should try to win her if they were smart. I am smart so I try to spend some time winning her myself. I can't do this with my looks but I can do it with my actions first and words second.
One of the secrets is that you should not (always) be in the position where you are asking for physical "attention." You should behave in a way that makes her come to you.
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@psychod787 Boom. You're sooo right. Human nature to take it all for granted until someone else wants your spouse. Noah, hope you're doing alright. You've been through so much this past year.1
I hate that you are going through this. Categories
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