From underweight college athlete to obese bulimic in 2 years

devoutacademic

I've been tracking on MFP, and this Sunday after 2 weeks of hitting all my goals I went out and binged about 5000 calories, and I purged as much as possible. I woke up the next morning feeling horrible and decided to get myself back on track. I ate healthy meals all day, but then after work I lost it again, and this binge continued through the next day. Yesterday I again got back on track, and hope to have a good weekend. The continuous cycle of losing and regaining control is exhausting. The advice I've gotten before is to make sure I have enough calories each day, and I have done that but this keeps happening. It feels like I constantly live with a sleeping monster and I never know when it will wake up or go back to sleep.

My story:
I was an athlete in college, and (like many of my teammates) used disordered eating behavior to control my weight for performance. When I graduated in 2019 I knew that as an "adult" I needed to refocus my diet and exercise on my overall health and well-being, since athletic performance isn't really relevant anymore. I knew my eating was disordered so I expected to gain some "healthy" weight, but when I tried to go from a highly restrictive diet to a "normal" diet then I unleashed a monster that I had no clue was hidden within me. I started binging on anything and everything. I would go to bed, and 30 minutes later run out to my car and drive to every fast food spot in my neighborhood, eating huge desserts between drive throughs until I was completely physically and mentally exhausted.

I work for a law office and most of my coworkers are obese and have horrible diets. Often times they brought donuts and cakes and cookies to share, and I would keep stopping by the kitchen until my head was spinning from sugar. I gained weight over the course of several months, until none of my clothes fit anymore! The solution I came up with was to jump back into my familiar college training regiment, which came along with my familiar restrictive eating. I quickly lost some of the gained weight but I also quickly injured my unconditioned body. At that point I tried to keep the restrictive eating going but without the training I started to binge again. However, this time I was determined not to gain the weight back and I started forcing myself to purge after the binge. For the last year I have been up and down, good for a few weeks or months, and then back to living a nightmare of gallons of ice cream into my stomach and then the toilet. Since March I spend most days working on my computer at my kitchen table. Sometimes this means I can exercise and I don't have the temptation of my coworkers, but other times I walk across the street to 711 and buy enough junk food to make me forget my name.

I am at my wits end. It's so frustrating to feel like you're on track but then completely lose it again. I think talking about this will help me out and I would really like some advice or to at least have anyone else share a similar struggle.

quiksylver296

You really need to address the underlying issues and get therapy. Until you fix the mental issue, the physical issue will not resolve itself. Be kind to yourself!

L1zardQueen

You need to seek some help from a therapist. Hugs

snowflake954

What they have said^^^^^. Your problem is very serious. Please see a counselor immediately. You are out of control and ruining your health. Good luck.

mermaidnj

Thought I had heard it all .. "Enough food to make me forget my name"🤣.. Joking aside talk to someone this is impossible to do alone.. I have done long term damage to my body from purging please if nothing else start there..

marandolaroxanna821

Please consider treatment. I have I am in recovery for an 18 battle of eating disorder best thing I could have done. Please feel free to message me . I know what it’s like to take the leap / first step into the recovery direction. It was scary and I was nervous but finding the root and emotional Piece to what has caused and created The eating disorder I am know able to battle it it much better and especially the binging.

csplatt

Reach out to a psychologist! Great first step. Mental health help is for everyone. So empowering

7rainbow

Yes, I agree with those above. I'm a recovered anorexic who was underweight almost my whole life. I've binged and attempted to purge (I literally have no gag reflex) for many years as well, and then went back into starvation mode. I've been going to therapy and going to an eating disorder clinic where I see a psychiatrist and get a lot of meds for it too. I think one of the biggest helps for me though was that my family threw out our scale. I still wish wish wish I could know what I weigh, but that's what really throws me into my cycle again. If you can't get to therapy yet, that is a huge start. Sending hugs, feel free to add me as a friend if you want more support.