I hope no can relate, but I bet some of us do

LargeEricS
LargeEricS Posts: 109 Member
in Getting Started
Man, where do I start. I'm a 25 year old male, standing roughly 6'5 and I'm destined to be fat I think. Seriously, this will be my FOURTH! attempt at sustained weight loss. My journey started in Jan. 2018, when I tipped the scales at 300lbs. I was newly engaged and quite frankly didn't want to be immortalized in my wedding photos at that weight. I decided to set a 75lb weight loss goal for my self by my wedding day. I completely overhauled my diet, turned to HIIT programs like Insainty, and actually hit the gym 6 days a week with a close friend who use to competitvely lift weights. Needless to say, I made my goal, and never felt better. I will add, I never had a negative outlook on my body even at 300lbs, I knew I was heavy but I didn't hate the mirror. Either way I had reached my goal and thought this is the my pinnacle. I walked around with my shirt off everyday till winter, as I reside in Michigan, and I'm not fond of frostbit. At the wedding people poured up to me, blown away at my transformation. I ended up slowing down after and just taking "me" time as I had just grinded 24/7 for nine months to get to my goal. Then it fell apart, I started eating more, rationalizing that my new found muscles and my stature at 6'5 would somehow allow me to eat two ice cream sandwiches a night. Needless to say by the following spring, six months removed from my goal of 225 I found myself at 260 pounds. The utter disbelief that befell me was devastating. The lies one can tell themselves and believe is truly incredible. "Oh, I'm just bloated today," "this is just a bad week." Nonetheless I decided I did it once I can easily do it again, I'm older, wiser, this will be easy, and it was. I fired up the HIIT workouts, gym attire, and got back on the grind. Low and behold by September 1st, six months from my weight gain, and almost one year from my wedding I was 225lbs again. This time around I was softer, less toned but still happy with where I ended. I had changed a lot of my lifestyle and unhealthy habits by the end of this second journey. Life was good......until it wasn't. All these changes I thought I had made were up and gone. I was back unpacking boxes of my "fat" clothes as I had ballooned again in weight. This time I had cut the head of the snake off earlier than before and found myself at 250lbs. Three months, thats all it had taken to lie to myself again. To tell myself I knew better this time, because I had walked this road. There was no way I'd let it get out of hand again. I mean all I have to do is get a fifteen minute workout in here and there when I'm busy to maintain. I had found through my 2nd weight loss journey that instead of squeezing in what I could, I just wouldn't workout if I didn't have a full hour as that was what I had grown accustomed to. But again somehow I had let myself go, and that was the lowest I had ever felt. It was terrible, until then, depression wasn't something I put a ton of weight into believing. Naive as that sounds its the truth. But as cliché as this sounds, love conquers all. My wife, my rock, thee already trim, decided she'd workout with me to help get me remoteivated. And that I was, I had a new lease on life, dusted of those dam Insanity disc again and started working out. Diet, check. Workouts, check. Accountability, check. Not surprising, with hard work through the summer I had gotten down to 230lbs. It wasn't, the 225 I typically shot for and achieved. But I was happy, both physical and mentally. For so long I had tied my happiness to a number on a scale, that it was borderline clinical. I didnt care about numbers anymore though, it was about being healthy mentally this time. Life was soaring upwards for me and it felt great coming from an all time low. My wife and I bought our dream home last fall, and covid while real and something we all deal with, felt like nothing. I even repacked all my "fat" clothes. I could've dropped dead and died a happy man in my books. Which brings us to present day, I've ballooned to 260lbs again and the low I felt last time is something I'd trade my soul for now. What's worse, is waking up everyday and having to look at all the photos hung on the walls. I only ever take photos when I'm thin I've noticed, not to mention those damn wedding photos. Whats worse than being immortalized as a heavier guy is being immortalized as something I feel like I'll never achieve or someone I'll never be again. I don't care about the onset of hair loss, how in two years the way I've clearly aged. My house is no longer my home, just a reminder of this problem, this addiction I have to food, to beer(not an alcoholic)and the way I munch after to many. I wake up everyday and hope it's not in my house. Myfitnesspal use to be my savior, and is now my personal hell. Everything is seemingly a shrine of a person I strive to be, have been, but will seemingly never be. I've tried to use MFP again, and started running and lifting weights again. But one month in, zero pounds lost, diet complete garbage, and not a ounce of will left in my bones to endeavor on my fourth weight loss journey, I am a broken man. A shell of the person I want to be. To be clear, I am writing this because holding it in is not healthy. But also because, if you are walking this road too, there is one person out there who knows exactly what it's like. We'll get through it, I'm not giving up, but the road back starts by getting ride of these negative feelings, the hatred I feel for myself, the negative body image I've created. This is the start of my recovery and I needed to write this.
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Replies

  • crosbylee
    crosbylee Posts: 3,450 Member
    I feel your pain. Although my attempts rarely get me close to my goal. I refuse to quit trying. I haven't gotten myself to log everything, every day, but I am starting be honest with myself. I am the only one who can change what I am doing. My health has gotten me to a diabetes diagnosis and I want to change that. Don't give up on yourself and remember what we do today to change our habits, have to be the entire lifestyle change.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,598 Member
    If your hair is falling, I've got a couple recommendations. Get a HairMax red laser, or other FDA approved red scalp laser, and also get some Rogaine or other brand of minoxidil. Use these two things religiously. Additionally, if you can get Nioxin shampoo and conditioner, or other similar product with mint/rosemary/horsetail included, those help as well. The botanical ingredients stimulate circulation to the scalp.

    For the mental struggles, if you have access to therapy, maybe that would help you get back on a sustainable path?
  • curwhibbles
    curwhibbles Posts: 138 Member
    Welcome back.
  • lmf1012
    lmf1012 Posts: 402 Member
    goal06082021 wrote: »
    It sounds like you're coming to terms with something I also realized when I started to get serious about weight-loss again. I don't have any photos of adult me at a healthy weight, so that specific part of your story doesn't resonate with me (although you know what they say, if everyone put their problems in one big pile we'd probably all start grabbing for our own back just as quickly as we put them there), but what I have realized is this. I want this go-round to be my last. I don't want to do this again. So, to that end, my mantra has been "no temporary changes." I am not dieting, I am changing the way I eat and my relationship with food. To become a person who weighs X lbs, I must learn to eat like a person who weighs X lbs. To become a person with such-and-such physique, I must learn to train like a person with such-and-such physique. My specific goals are going to be different from yours, but the sentiment is the important thing. You and I are both working to become people we haven't been before, and that's different from "dieting." It's not a temporary fix, not just something you do until your body is an acceptable shape, because as soon as you stop doing it, your body stops being that shape, as you well know.

    I would love to be a person who can "eat intuitively," but clearly my intuition's busted somehow if "eating intuitively" got me to 250+ lbs. So, I use MFP - it's a tool that helps me function in ways that serve my goals, the same way my prescription eyeglasses do. I have 10+ years of data that show I lose or maintain weight when I track, and I gain weight when I don't. I expect I will need to log what I eat in some way, using this app or something else, for the rest of my life. It'd be great if I didn't have to, but I can't rely on being able to do that, so that's not the goal or the plan. The goal is to build a stronger, healthier body using whatever tools I have at my disposal, and that includes a food diary because all the evidence shows that I need one.

    I have always known this needs to be a lifestyle change, not a temporary phase but it definitely resonated more with me the way you phrased it. It is about creating the habits of the person we want to be and keep those habits to continue to be that person.
  • fittocycle
    fittocycle Posts: 825 Member
    First of all, you have not failed. What you are doing is slowly changing and evolving into a new person. I'm sure you've heard the analogies of how you didn't ride a bike on the first try, learn to ski on the first attempt down a mountain (or bunny slope), etc. We say those things because it's true. To achieve and become what we'd like, we have to work at it. And it doesn't happen on the first try. Or even the second or third. But eventually, if you keep trying, you'll fall into a rhythm and find what works for you.

    If you don't already own one, get a fitness tracker. Pay attention to how much you move each day. You don't have to do killer workouts, just see how much you actually move around. Then set a goal to move more.

    You know how good you felt when you were working out and eating well, right? Sure, it felt good to lose weight but what really felt good was knowing that you were doing something good for yourself, something to enhance your health. So think back on that feeling and get back in the zone. You know you can do it, right? You've done it before so you can do it again.

    I"m going to be looking for a new post from you in the coming posts, one that says that you are on the road to a healthier lifestyle.

  • tumbleweed7834
    tumbleweed7834 Posts: 42 Member
    Wow. You got this Big Eric. You know what put the weight back on, not just two ice cream bars a night, two of anything will do it. The fries, or chips with your sandwich, the soda to wash it down. Keep the sandwich, pass on the sides. Go for the 10,000 steps a day, no celebration, no beer. Beer has calories too. Drink water with every meal. You know the routine. When you reach your goal, find a maintenance app . Live long and prosper.
  • tumbleweed7834
    tumbleweed7834 Posts: 42 Member
    Two of anything will set you back, drink that beer, don’t drink that second one.
  • TheWaistBasket
    TheWaistBasket Posts: 56 Member
    Covid finished me too. I enjoyed quarantine too much. Now I weigh 361 lbs, which makes you a lite-weight in my books 😉😉
    Unlike you, I have a negative outlook on my body. I don't like the weight or the way I look. I like nothing about being obese. I am afraid to take pictures but know I should. There will be an after, I need pics of the before.
    I can relate, but you are far ahead of me. You know you can do it, I don't.

    I could use a friend like you, who is honest. Not sure if I can help you, but would love to give it a try.
  • tumbleweed7834
    tumbleweed7834 Posts: 42 Member
    Okay people, too many calories, too many carbs, too many excuses. Use the ap to count every calorie you eat, use a journal to record what you eat, count the steps you take every day. Take all this information and make a daily goal for your calories, record what calories you ate when and why, and what time you reached that goal, also, make a goal to increase your steps. Move around more. At your size, walking is about all you can do, so walk, walk, walk. Stretch now and then. And walk some more.
  • tumbleweed7834
    tumbleweed7834 Posts: 42 Member
    Remember to use these words
    “no thank you”
    “I’ll pass”
    “nope”
    It is your body, it is your life.
  • Jenpec98
    Jenpec98 Posts: 49 Member
    Man can I completely relate. I lost a ton of weight back in 2011. I was really feeling good, I had an hourglass figure for the first time in my life, and then I blew it. I've been struggling with my weight ever since. It is really hard to get back in the game, and I have found that what I did before is not working for me now. Sad but true. It is really hard to come to terms with my own failures sometimes and try to have a positive attitude.
  • LargeEricS
    LargeEricS Posts: 109 Member
    Jenpec98 wrote: »
    Man can I completely relate. I lost a ton of weight back in 2011. I was really feeling good, I had an hourglass figure for the first time in my life, and then I blew it. I've been struggling with my weight ever since. It is really hard to get back in the game, and I have found that what I did before is not working for me now. Sad but true. It is really hard to come to terms with my own failures sometimes and try to have a positive attitude.

    This is the truth if I've ever heard it. Even at my tender age of 25, I swear this time around the weight is more reluctant to come off.
  • PAPYRUS3
    PAPYRUS3 Posts: 13,259 Member
    There is power in being open - vulnerable to the world.
    Words matter.



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