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Mention it or don’t? How should I phrase it?

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  • AvidkeoAvidkeo Member, Premium Posts: 3,021 Member Member, Premium Posts: 3,021 Member
    You can always go for a non beauty related compliment, like tell them they're looking really strong. I would be really pleased if someone complimented how much weight I was deadlifting or something.

    "Hi so and so, it's been forever! I couldn't help notice you're lifting some really impressive weight, that's awesome! How have you been?"

    I like this! It's about ability, not looks. And acknowledged them as a person.
  • jjpptt2jjpptt2 Member Posts: 5,422 Member Member Posts: 5,422 Member
    *deleted*
    edited May 26
  • jjpptt2jjpptt2 Member Posts: 5,422 Member Member Posts: 5,422 Member
    33gail33 wrote: »
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    33gail33 wrote: »
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    glassyo wrote: »
    Avidkeo wrote: »
    John772016 wrote: »
    Avidkeo wrote: »
    John772016 wrote: »
    When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
    We're they? No idea. They were to me.

    We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.

    I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.

    I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.

    Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
    And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.

    That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.

    Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
    My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.

    Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.

    Fair call.

    The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.

    The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation

    *peeks in*

    Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.

    Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.

    It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.

    The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.

    Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.

    I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?

    My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?

    No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.

    I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.

    She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.

    That's not what imposing something on someone means.

    nvmlfbc6hvgu.png

    But..
    Would "projecting" have been a better word?
    edited May 26
  • 33gail3333gail33 Member Posts: 960 Member Member Posts: 960 Member
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    33gail33 wrote: »
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    33gail33 wrote: »
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    glassyo wrote: »
    Avidkeo wrote: »
    John772016 wrote: »
    Avidkeo wrote: »
    John772016 wrote: »
    When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
    We're they? No idea. They were to me.

    We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.

    I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.

    I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.

    Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
    And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.

    That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.

    Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
    My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.

    Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.

    Fair call.

    The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.

    The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation

    *peeks in*

    Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.

    Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.

    It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.

    The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.

    Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.

    I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?

    My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?

    No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.

    I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.

    She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.

    That's not what imposing something on someone means.

    nvmlfbc6hvgu.png

    But..
    Would "projecting" have been a better word?

    Yes
    edited May 26
  • cmriversidecmriverside Member Posts: 31,830 Member Member Posts: 31,830 Member
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    33gail33 wrote: »
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    glassyo wrote: »
    Avidkeo wrote: »
    John772016 wrote: »
    Avidkeo wrote: »
    John772016 wrote: »
    When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
    We're they? No idea. They were to me.

    We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.

    I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.

    I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.

    Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
    And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.

    That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.

    Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
    My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.

    Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.

    Fair call.

    The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.

    The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation

    *peeks in*

    Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.

    Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.

    It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.

    The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.

    Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.

    I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?

    My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?

    No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.

    I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.

    She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.

    Then you won't mind if you get your head bitten off? Or would that trigger you into some other inappropriate comment?

    Because I've tried telling men to back off and it escalates.

    Do you really think your opinion is so important that you have to blurt it out? It gets so old to hear it day after day, year after year.

    It's not original, it's more like an annoying gnat.

    What was the nature of the comment... the one that caused you to tell someone to back off that caused them to escalate? Maybe I'm not appreciating the scope/nature of comments women are receiving (??)

    Oh, it's happened more than once.


    Why do you think we care if you think we look a certain way, and what do you think you're contributing to the world by imposing your opinion?
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