For my Dad... Success stories and suggestions for men age 55+

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  • tluisa311
    tluisa311 Posts: 113 Member
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    NovusDies wrote: »
    This is a minefield.

    1) Sometimes retired people believe they have earned the right to be sedentary (a nice way of saying lazy).
    2) You are his child. He may not appreciate the role reversal of you trying to parent him.
    3) For some people the more you try to encourage the more depressed or resentful they will get.

    We see threads like this all the time and even when it involves a spouse it ultimately comes down to the fact they have to want to change. It is almost impossible to manipulate someone into it.

    He sounds depressed and that should be the bigger worry right now. Depression is a downward spiral. You do less for yourself and others which makes you feel bad which results in doing even less which makes you feel worse, and down and down you go.

    He needs something to start creating wins and moving back in an upward spiral. The easiest win is to help him find a purpose. A small manageable purpose that can build to something more. Try to think of a problem that he can help you with from his easy chair. Perhaps ask him for advice about something that he knows well.

    I agree 100%. I think if I push him, he will move farther from the goal and will just want to talk to me less than he already does. I definitely think that he is depressed but when I have brought it up to him, he tells me that this lifestyle of getting drunk every day makes him happy.

    I like the idea of asking him for advice. I agree that he needs a purpose and I think if he feels useful, he may feel more motivated to do more.

    Thank you for this!
  • suzymurdle
    suzymurdle Posts: 10 Member
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    I know that since I have retired I discovered how important routine is. So, I keep one every day for physical and mental reasons. I would be honest and express your concerns to your dad. Retirement is what you make of it. It can be bad or good. It is a time in life or another phase, not always easy. If he likes being outside maybe taking walks or hiking.Maybe starting a new hobbie. Possibly send him a bird house kit and ask him to make it for you for your place. Could possibly jump start some excitement and help him get motivated.
  • goal06082021
    goal06082021 Posts: 2,130 Member
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    I don't know your dad's wife but the behavior you're describing from her is abusive. It's manipulative AF, at absolute best, and manipulation like that IS emotional abuse. Connecting him to resources to address that might be an even more Sisyphean task than what you've asked about here, though.
  • tluisa311
    tluisa311 Posts: 113 Member
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    goal06082021 wrote: »
    I don't know your dad's wife but the behavior you're describing from her is abusive. It's manipulative AF, at absolute best, and manipulation like that IS emotional abuse. Connecting him to resources to address that might be an even more Sisyphean task than what you've asked about here, though.

    Oh yes, I've been going through this with him since I was 14 years old. He's financially stuck with her as well as living in denial. He almost divorced her once when I was about 18 but then changed his mind. I've barely even scratched the surface with what I've mentioned here, so I can tell you that you're 100% correct. She's always been manipulative and abusive and he's always made excuses for her. I've tried to get him to move in with me in VA; I've told him that I'll put him under my health insurance and he would have half of the expenses he does now, but he just won't budge. It's incredibly sad to have watched all of these years but I can't force him to make decisions that he doesn't want to.
  • goal06082021
    goal06082021 Posts: 2,130 Member
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    Oof, yeah, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's so hard to watch people we care about make poor choices.
  • rosebarnalice
    rosebarnalice Posts: 3,488 Member
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    Instead of a fitness gift (tracker? gym membership?) which Dad might feel is quite judgy coming from some kid whose butt he once powdered, how about something to encourage him to rethink his retirement with a sense of humor?

    A great gift might be Ernie Zelinski's HOW TO RETIRE HAPPY WILD AND FREE packaged with a goofy hat or a package of twisting balloons; or THE RETIREMENT COLORING BOOK (SWEAR EDITION) and a 64-pack of crayons, or THE ESSENTIAL RETIREMENT HOBBIES ACTIVITY BOOK
  • Onedaywriter
    Onedaywriter Posts: 326 Member
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    First let me say that you sound like a great daughter- I’m sure your dad is proud! You said early retirement so I’m assuming your dad is not very old (by my old standards lol!)

    I just turned 60 and I have gotten in much better shape in the past three years but was in terrible condition, so I can relate to your dad’s situation well. Some things that might be good:
    - Bluetooth earbuds or headphones- my daughter (lives in NY and me in NJ) and I talk sometimes while I walk. Walking at first was boring and seemed almost silly for me, but the opportunity to talk to her made it so much better. She likes to walk so in a way we did it together. Not every day- she’s much busier than I am, but it was enough to get me in the habit. Also, she sent me a lot of podcast recommendations that I really enjoy while I walk (or now run) when I’m in my own. Later, I bought the same ones for my 63 year old brother and it was enough to get him going. He was always a runner and has started to run again.
    - Goofy gift but for my 60th my brother and sister chipped in and got me an inflatable kayak. I love it- would have never bought this for myself but the “exercise” component of it is enough to make my upper body feel strong while still being more of a relaxing/ chill kind of thing.
    - I do love my Garmin forerunner 35. The most basic model they have but tracks my steps and sleep and gives me goals to hit. Great for bicycling.
    - sometimes proper shoes are enough to inspire someone. If he might like hiking for example, some shoes might get him motivated to start. At worst, he’ll have some comfortable shoes.
    - when my own dad retired 62 he found great purpose in helping remodel and repair homes. He worked on mine, my sibling’s, and his brother’s. Maybe some tools?
    - I have a friend who got into building furniture in retirement. Maybe cook up a custom project ( I need shelves that fit in this weird spot etc) and books or woodworking tools. If he’s doing it for you he will do it.

    Good luck! I know you’ll find it.

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