Mother won't stop "offering suggestions" :(

OnceAndFutureAthlete

My mom has been staying with me for a while. She has always been disparaging about my weight gain, saying things like "you don't even feel like my daughter when I hug you" and about how much space I need to get around things vs. her (like when both of us are in the smallish kitchen).

She offers "helpful" comments when I eat things, like it's some kind of revelation. Like I haven't been reading about diets and nutrition for ALL MY ADULT LIFE, and don't already think about everything that goes in my mouth, or feel lousy enough already. Like I don't live in this large body every moment of every freakin' day! She has always treated it as some kind of moral failing or character flaw, it seems. Like, if I only was a better, stronger person, I wouldn't have this problem.

I imagine many of you can relate with someone in your life.

But recently I changed medications and found that my constant appetite has totally changed: my brain is no longer constantly obsessed with food ("Feed me. FEED ME!"). And I've been able to lose 30 pounds and am headed towards losing even more. She's been happy about it but still the "helpful comments" won't stop. Finally yesterday, when I allowed myself (and tracked) 1 serving of Terra chips at 3 PM, she said something about snacking so close to dinner. I finally had it and said "I've managed to lose 30 pounds in about 3 months. So I think I know what I'm doing and it seems to be working."

I love my mom and have enjoyed having her stay with me, but if I'm honest, if the comments don't stop, I will feel some relief when she leaves.

Lietchi

So how did she react to your outburst?
And aside from that outburst, how have you been reacting to her comments: ignoring them? Or trying to respond to them?

Ideally, you'd have a good conversation with her, explaining that you don't feel comfortable with her comments and that you'd appreciate it if she stopped commenting, but I can understand if that's not an option (I can't imagine doing that with my own mom).

I would suggest trying to systemically ignore her comments, changing the subject every time she says something (as if you didn't hear her)?
Or perhaps there's a standard reply you could give that would make it clear her comments are not welcome? For example, "thanks, but I know what I'm doing", or "thanks, but I don't need advice on what or how to eat"?

OnceAndFutureAthlete

Lietchi wrote: »

So how did she react to your outburst?
And aside from that outburst, how have you been reacting to her comments: ignoring them? Or trying to respond to them?

Ideally, you'd have a good conversation with her, explaining that you don't feel comfortable with her comments and that you'd appreciate it if she stopped commenting, but I can understand if that's not an option (I can't imagine doing that with my own mom).

I would suggest trying to systemically ignore her comments, changing the subject every time she says something (as if you didn't hear her)?
Or perhaps there's a standard reply you could give that would make it clear her comments are not welcome? For example, "thanks, but I know what I'm doing", or "thanks, but I don't need advice on what or how to eat"?

Thanks for your comment. Yeah, when I wasn't losing, I would just ignore what she said, or says something like "uh-huh, thanks" and just let it pass by. I did try explaining that it wasn't like I didn't think about eating and food all the time (so I don't need reminders), and it seems/seemed like there was something wrong with my brain that it was so obsessed with food, and it helped somewhat. And I even explained to her how things feel different now. (Meaning it wasn't just a willpower/personal failing issue.)

She's here now, so can SEE my success, and see how I'm eating much less. I guess that's why the chips comment really irked me. I didn't actually have an outburt (lol), but did what you recommend and said, almost verbatim, "I think I know what I'm doing." I'll have to wait and see if it makes a difference, and keep saying it if needed.

I guess I just needed to vent a little, and maybe commisserate. Thanks again for your reply.

33gail33

Congrats on your 30 lbs weight loss!

I don't have anything helpful to offer, except commiseration.

After my mom's home opened up from lockdown I texted my sister: "Thank goodness Mom's home is allowing visitors now otherwise how would I ever know I had gained weight!"

You are not alone.

Lietchi

OnceAndFutureAthlete wrote: »

Lietchi wrote: »

So how did she react to your outburst?
And aside from that outburst, how have you been reacting to her comments: ignoring them? Or trying to respond to them?

Ideally, you'd have a good conversation with her, explaining that you don't feel comfortable with her comments and that you'd appreciate it if she stopped commenting, but I can understand if that's not an option (I can't imagine doing that with my own mom).

I would suggest trying to systemically ignore her comments, changing the subject every time she says something (as if you didn't hear her)?
Or perhaps there's a standard reply you could give that would make it clear her comments are not welcome? For example, "thanks, but I know what I'm doing", or "thanks, but I don't need advice on what or how to eat"?

Thanks for your comment. Yeah, when I wasn't losing, I would just ignore what she said, or says something like "uh-huh, thanks" and just let it pass by. I did try explaining that it wasn't like I didn't think about eating and food all the time (so I don't need reminders), and it seems/seemed like there was something wrong with my brain that it was so obsessed with food, and it helped somewhat. And I even explained to her how things feel different now. (Meaning it wasn't just a willpower/personal failing issue.)

She's here now, so can SEE my success, and see how I'm eating much less. I guess that's why the chips comment really irked me. I didn't actually have an outburt (lol), but did what you recommend and said, almost verbatim, "I think I know what I'm doing." I'll have to wait and see if it makes a difference, and keep saying it if needed.

I guess I just needed to vent a little, and maybe commisserate. Thanks again for your reply.

Sometimes repetition helps

I sympathise!
I have pretty much the opposite issue: since I've lost 60lbs, my mom is watching what I eat like a hawk, but saying nothing, silently judging. Barely acknowledging I've lost weight, but I know she's noticed. She's obese herself, been claiming weight loss is impossible for years, but now I've proven it can be done. But she still goes by the mantra "a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips", using the word 'torture' when referring to exercise etc. which drives me insane!
Parents can really get under our skin. But a lot of it comes from their own insecurities and experiences I guess, they're only human

nanastaci2020

You can be honest & direct, let her know what you do & don't need from her. Or you can continue to put up with the same habits. If you don't say something, there is no reason to expect the dynamic to change.

Anniesquats100

My sympathies. My mother lives with me, and insists on control in the kitchen. If I eat anything that isn't greasy red meat or some bakery treat she bought, she makes sure to tell me how terrible it looks and how it must taste awful. I am finally in a stage where I care more about eating well than pleasing her. I think. Now I have to eat a salad while she eats blackberry cobbler.

Anyway, mothers created our buttons so they know exactly how to push them. And they are so resistant to being sidelined. But that is what has to be done sometimes. Good luck.

OnceAndFutureAthlete

nanastaci2020 wrote: »

You can be honest & direct, let her know what you do & don't need from her. Or you can continue to put up with the same habits. If you don't say something, there is no reason to expect the dynamic to change.

Yep, with you here. Tried that - and a few other things - when I was fat and NOT losing. With, shall we say, limited success. Thought it might be different now that I'm actually doing well at losing weight. [shrug] I'll keep trying this and that and that other thing, too. Just wish I could spend the energy on other things!

OnceAndFutureAthlete

Anniesquats100 wrote: »

My sympathies. My mother lives with me, and insists on control in the kitchen. If I eat anything that isn't greasy red meat or some bakery treat she bought, she makes sure to tell me how terrible it looks and how it must taste awful. I am finally in a stage where I care more about eating well than pleasing her. I think. Now I have to eat a salad while she eats blackberry cobbler.

Anyway, mothers created our buttons so they know exactly how to push them. And they are so resistant to being sidelined. But that is what has to be done sometimes. Good luck.

It is hard when they insist on keeping to their ways. My mom cooks everything with butter - even sauteed onions for spaghetti sauce - because "that's what [her] Swedish grandmother taught her." We've gone thru more butter in the last 3 weeks than I typically use in a year, no exaggeration!

Good for you for being able to find your way.

corinasue1143

🤔

Speakeasy76

Oh, that would drive me crazy. You seem to be tolerating it much better than I would!

I don't think there's anything wrong with you telling your mom how her comments make you feel. I think there's some unspoken rule that we shouldn't because they're our moms, but like someone else said, if you don't say anything she'll just continue to do the same thing. I think it's even more important to speak up because she's living with you. I don't know if you watch "This is Us," but it actually reminds me of an episode where the daughter finally put her mother in her place after years of discouraging comments about her choices in general.

Having said all that, I know it's easier said than done. However, you're both adults, so I think it's okay to ease into saying something like "I feel...when you make comments about my size and what I'm eating. I'd appreciate it if you refrained from such comments."