Supportive wife - help!

mdavid5

In a nutshell, my husband wants to lose weight, but wants me to do it for him. He's been talking about it every day for years, but now he has a goal and goal weight, but no plan. He won't research how to lose weight, he won't seek guidance (self or outside help) for what his calorie goals should be, but expects me to figure out his meals, diet, and nutritional needs. We have different ways of approaching weight loss; I've done my own training and diet in the past (clean eating, track macros, cals., exercise), with the help of a coach, but this is not his approach and I feel this is his journey and he has to do what works for him.
I support him 100% and will help with whatever he needs, but can't and won't do it for him.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

thisvickyruns

do you normally cook? if so then I would keep making whatever you normally make and just tell him to portion it accordingly... maybe add in an extra choice of veg for him? have a conversation before you don the weekly food shop and ask if there's anything he specifically does or doesn't want...

As you say, he's a grown up, its up to him how much he eats.

goal06082021

You're 100% right that he needs to be the one to take responsibility and figure out his own goals and how to meet them. You can tell him that you will support whatever he chooses to do and help in whatever way you can, but what that help and support looks like are up to him - he has to figure out what he wants to do and what he needs from you to make it happen, and he needs to ask for it, out loud, with words. I think the most work you should do for him is to maybe, maybe, offer to help him set up an account on MFP, if he wants to use an app like this. If you normally do the cooking, it would be kind of you to give him your recipe information so he can log his food accurately.

NovusDies

What you did for you may not work for him. It would not have even worked for me (the clean eating part) and I have lost more weight than many people start with BEFORE they want to lose weight.

The benefits of a scripted (or in this case what worked for someone else) diet plan is that you do not have to put much thought into it. You follow the bouncing ball and wait for the results to come in.

The downside of a scripted diet plan is that you may not ever own your truth because you have not invested time into developing it.

We tell ourselves a lot of lies and what we tell ourselves matters. If we take personal ownership of researching the things we believe and setting aside the lies and confirming the truths then we have cleaned up our internal narratives. They won't be perfect but they will be better.

We see it a lot here. People start something like a low carb plan, see results, then assume it is valid. They try to stick with it even if it is not easy for them because they don't own the truth that all weight loss happens in an energy deficit. They don't realize they can experiment with other strategies because they got some initial results and they are scared of changing. They think weight loss is a fragile thing. It is not. It is an energy equation.

Of course research is only as good as the sources used and the attitude of the person researching. If you want to prove yourself right, you certainly can. You can engage in confirmation bias. If, for instance, you want to have a "cheat" day you can find articles that will tell you that they make you lose weight faster. I think it is better to try and prove yourself wrong.

That is not to say that a person should avoid scripted diets. If that is easier then they should do it. I just think they should also research it (properly).

janejellyroll

Actually, I would argue that he DOESN'T want to lose weight.

When we want to do something, we figure out how to do it.

There's a passive state of wanting something to happen through someone else's work or through luck. That's where he's at.

You can cook him things that generally fit within his calorie goals, but you can't control his portions. You can't be there throughout the day to keep him from eating things that will put him over his calorie goal. He's not being fair or realistic.

Sometimes we expect too much from other people as a cushion to explain away our own failure to meet our goals. It seems like this might be the case here.

ninerbuff

I'd be a millionaire if my working out and eating lost weight for someone else. And that's the beauty of trying to improve one's self physically. NO ONE can take credit for it but you. You eat, exercise, rest, etc to get the result for you. Until he's willing to do it HIMSELF, nothing's going to change. Relying on you then possibly failing at it is a great way for him to shift the blame to you for not succeeding. Dude's gotta man up on his own.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

OnceAndFutureAthlete

goal06082021 wrote: »

You're 100% right that he needs to be the one to take responsibility and figure out his own goals and how to meet them. You can tell him that you will support whatever he chooses to do and help in whatever way you can, but what that help and support looks like are up to him - he has to figure out what he wants to do and what he needs from you to make it happen, and he needs to ask for it, out loud, with words. I think the most work you should do for him is to maybe, maybe, offer to help him set up an account on MFP, if he wants to use an app like this. If you normally do the cooking, it would be kind of you to give him your recipe information so he can log his food accurately.

This x 1,000,000,000,...
Sounds like he is setting you up to take the blame for HIS failure to lose weight.

I agree you can be supportive by asking him what you can do to HELP (not do it for him, but SPECIFICS), like does he want your traditional recipes altered? cook new recipes (that HE provides)? Details of your reecipes so he can track?
And say you'd be happy to discuss what works for you - if he asks.

But he needs to be the one putting in the effort.

chocolate_owl

Your title says "supportive wife," so let's talk about things you can do to SUPPORT him.

-If you are in charge of the grocery shopping, you can buy the foods HE puts on the list.
-If you are responsible for the cooking, you can make meals in line with the food plan HE chooses.
-If you have the time and desire, you can join him on exercises HE chooses to do.
-If you know there are specific foods that are triggering to him, you can not bring those around him or suggest them.
-If you know he's limited in time and you have more free time, you can take on an extra chore so he can get an hour in at the gym.

That's support, and it's support you only give if it's not detrimental to your own goals and well-being. What you've described in your OP is doing it all for him, with no buy-in from him that will motivate him to succeed. I plan and cook all our meals in my household, and I'm slowly, steadily losing weight based on that. My husband has lost nothing because my meal planning doesn't stop him from getting chips from the office vending machine or making cocktails in the evening. My workout routine doesn't drag him along with me. My conversations with my doctors about my health do not address any of his issues. If he wants to lose weight, he has to take those actions for himself.

MaltedTea

I say do it for him.

Start with the "All asparagus, all the time" diet and suggest he walk 10 miles a day..but only in one dedicated loop around your neighborhood.

When that doesn't work, move him to the "Boiled mackerel and seasonal, locally foraged veggie" diet. He has to do the foraging and everything has to be harvested by 5:45 am ... no matter the weather or time of year.

Pretty sure if he'll figure out how experiment with what works for him after that. If not, post back here: I've bookmarked the thread and have plenty of other ridiculous diet/exercise ideas 😂

SuzySunshine99

You know, there's not a lot of situations where I would recommend looking into a meal delivery plan, but this may be one of them.

Something like Nutisystem or similar might work for him, if you are willing to spend the money. Then, someone else would be responsible for working out his calories and meals...not you.

Downside is the cost of it, and if he's okay with eating something different than what you're eating.

goal06082021

MaltedTea wrote: »

I say do it for him.

Start with the "All asparagus, all the time" diet and suggest he walk 10 miles a day..but only in one dedicated loop around your neighborhood.

When that doesn't work, move him to the "Boiled mackerel and seasonal, locally foraged veggie" diet. He has to do the foraging and everything has to be harvested by 5:45 am ... no matter the weather or time of year.

Pretty sure if he'll figure out how experiment with what works for him after that. If not, post back here: I've bookmarked the thread and have plenty of other ridiculous diet/exercise ideas 😂

The All-Asparagus Diet would be fine as long as Hubby has his own bathroom...LMAO

And he's gotta catch the mackerel, too. Oh, you live deep in the heart of Kansas? That's rough, buddy.

In all seriousness I think @SuzySunshine99 might be onto something - if the budget has room for Nutrisystem or something similar, that might be a decent place for him to start. He should still be the one to look into it and run the numbers, though.

mdavid5

Thank you everyone for the feedback, ideas, insight, and humor. It's appreciated more than you know, and validating much of what I've been thinking. So much of what each of you mention even in your own situations is true in ours/his.

Yes, I do the grocery shopping, cooking, planning, etc., all the time, so having his food requirements is not an issue. While I eat very simple: egg whites, oatmeal, chicken, etc., and for nutritional value, that is not him, and don't expect him to be that way. I cook "normal", healthy meals (most of the time), for him.

I will certainly follow up with your suggestions and hope for the best.

I was getting rather lengthy with this initial response, but deleted most of it, didn't want to lose you all in boredom!

Thanks again, and be well!