External Motivation and Praise

canadiankerr

First off, I am not losing weight or making healthy changes for others, but... it does feel good when people you know recognize that you have been working hard and have lost weight. I have lost 40 pounds since February and the only people who have commented have been my husband and my mom. They are aware that I have been working hard. Is 40 pounds just not that noticeable? Are people just afraid to acknowledge weight loss because it is not PC? Seriously, though this has me bummed

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canadiankerr

Ya such a bummer. I do understand. It doesn't even have to be specific to weight loss, but even just a "hey you look nice" would suffice at this point. I mean people who are naturally thin get this all the time. People who are overweight / fat are criticized and sneered at and then when they lose weight and get healthy their hard work isn't even acknowledged you know?

Plasicage

I've lost weight rapidly few years ago, I can tell you the first comments are appreciated but then it gets old fast! Imagine every person you come across say 'did you lose weight?' For 2 to 3 months, depending when you saw them last. Also they will start adding personal commentary on how you they view your new weight, "you're too skinny, don't lose anymore", your eating habits, etc
It's better to have your own motivation system.

canadiankerr

I can totally see that as being annoying.

AnnPT77

canadiankerr wrote: »

Ya such a bummer. I do understand. It doesn't even have to be specific to weight loss, but even just a "hey you look nice" would suffice at this point. I mean people who are naturally thin get this all the time. People who are overweight / fat are criticized and sneered at and then when they lose weight and get healthy their hard work isn't even acknowledged you know?

I'm curious what leads you to believe the bolded is true? (I'm not saying it isn't true, though I would say it hasn't looked or felt that way in my personal experience - but I'm well aware that my experience is a *very* limited subset of what happens in the world).

I do see that media and whatnot praise thinness and thin people generically, but I'm asking about the personal comments side of it, in our individual lives. I also understand that some people's family (especially), and maybe friends, criticize and even ridicule them for becoming or being fat.

Why I'm asking: I was fat for decades, hovering around the obese range (sometimes a little below, sometimes a little into the obese range, but consistently fat for sure). Almost 6 years ago, I reached a healthy weight, and have stayed at a healthy weight since. There was some commenting about my weight loss - both positive & negative - while it was happening, and for a while afterward . . . essentially, while it was still striking or surprising, because it was a big change in my appearance, and included some changes in my observable behavior (like typical food choices in restaurants).

I rarely am praised for being thin now, and don't think the frequency of being praised for something about my appearance has changed noticeably vs. when I was fat. Usually, it's stuff - then and now - like someone saying my shirt is a good color on me, admiring a piece of jewelry, maybe a positive comment on a new haircut, or something like that. Very occasionally, that happens now, and it used to happen when I was fat.

About the only time anything is said about my thinness these days if my previous obesity comes up in the course of conversation (rare) with someone who didn't know me when fat. They might say something like "but you're so tiny!" as an expression of surprise. (I'm not tiny. 😆)

I can understand that if someone is in a family that (say) criticizes fat family members and praises thin ones, or something like that, that idea would take firm hold. And maybe other cultures are different from mine, in this respect. But either for myself, or the so-called "naturally thin" people among my friends, I don't see any pattern in my culture/family/social groups that praises thin people for being thin, criticizes fat people for being fat, at the level of individual interaction in regular life.

P.S. I didn't click "disagree" on your post. I don't disagree with it, but it doesn't resonate with my personal experience, either.

P.P.S. Most of the "naturally thin" women I know well enough to know this, aren't effortlessly, inattentively thin, FWIW: They have some form of personal vigilance, like noticing if clothes are getting tighter, or noticing a climbing scale weight, then they cut back a little (not calorie counting, just minor eating changes) until their clothes fit the way they like or the scale drops. *That* seems to be natural to them as a process, as does having habits that result in them "naturally" eating close to the right amount to maintain weight . . . habits I did not have. 🤷‍♀️

ninerbuff

canadiankerr wrote: »

First off, I am not losing weight or making healthy changes for others, but... it does feel good when people you know recognize that you have been working hard and have lost weight. I have lost 40 pounds since February and the only people who have commented have been my husband and my mom. They are aware that I have been working hard. Is 40 pounds just not that noticeable? Are people just afraid to acknowledge weight loss because it is not PC? Seriously, though this has me bummed

Depends on how overweight you are. If you're over 100lbs overweight, it may not be that noticeable.
Also, many people don't say anything for fear of acknowledging you were overweight in first place.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Plasicage

P.P.S. Most of the "naturally thin" women I know well enough to know this, aren't effortlessly, inattentively thin, FWIW: They have some form of personal vigilance, like noticing if clothes are getting tighter, or noticing a climbing scale weight, then they cut back a little (not calorie counting, just minor eating changes) until their clothes fit the way they like or the scale drops. *That* seems to be natural to them as a process, as does having habits that result in them "naturally" eating close to the right amount to maintain weight . . . habits I did not have. 🤷‍♀️

1000% agree with this. I observed this with my very skinny friends as well. The trick for us is to develop/adopt our own such system, once we get to the goal weight.

AnnPT77

toxicdoll wrote: »

P.P.S. Most of the "naturally thin" women I know well enough to know this, aren't effortlessly, inattentively thin, FWIW: They have some form of personal vigilance, like noticing if clothes are getting tighter, or noticing a climbing scale weight, then they cut back a little (not calorie counting, just minor eating changes) until their clothes fit the way they like or the scale drops. *That* seems to be natural to them as a process, as does having habits that result in them "naturally" eating close to the right amount to maintain weight . . . habits I did not have. 🤷‍♀️

1000% agree with this. I observed this with my very skinny friends as well. The trick for us is to develop/adopt our own such system, once we get to the goal weight.

I know that some consider calorie counting too effortful or annoying to continue long term, and they will need to find a different system to maintain.

Me, I'm still counting. I reached goal weight not quite 6 years ago, after calorie counting for the better part of a year while losing 50+ pounds, and have been logging/counting most days since (I skip a day here and there).

I don't find it obsessive or annoying, and it now takes maybe 10 minutes a day - well worth it, to stay at a healthy weight for almost 6 years, after several previous decades of obesity, or overweight near to obese. It may well be the most profitable 10 minutes of my day, in terms of return on effort invested.

YMMV, but I'm planning to keep logging/counting indefinitely.

rosebarnalice

A story:

I was recently in a gathering of friends and family who last saw me 50 lbs heavier. A friend's 7 year old son pointed to me and said, "mommy, Alice looks little!"

Horrified, the woman scolded her child: "we don't talk about other people's bodies. All bodies are beautiful!"

Hoping to salvage the situation, I smiled and said "thank you for noticing, Todd. I've been trying to eat better and swim more."

Then an adult friend chimed in, "I noticed too, but didn't know how to bring it up."

That broke the ice, and soon I was the center of attention and praise. But clearly, everyone was trying to do the right thing by saying nothing.

wunderkindking

toxicdoll wrote: »

I've lost weight rapidly few years ago, I can tell you the first comments are appreciated but then it gets old fast! Imagine every person you come across say 'did you lose weight?' For 2 to 3 months, depending when you saw them last. Also they will start adding personal commentary on how you they view your new weight, "you're too skinny, don't lose anymore", your eating habits, etc
It's better to have your own motivation system.

This.

This is exactly it. I know it doesn't help OP and can seem like some kind of humble brag or something but THIS.

I don't really like attention to start with, unless it's from people I'm very close to - and I am, by nature, an aloof person. So I just don't have close relationships with many.

So, then covid. There's this group of people I spend a lot of time with via a shared sport. And I haven't seen them in ages. And they start seeing me again at events.

And every single person I see - and this is a lot of people spread out over months - , has something to say about it. I appreciate the sentiment, but also I have now heard this 912 times. It is awkward. I am out of cute responses and light laughs when someone says I'm a 'shadow of my former self'.

Again: I appreciate the sentiment. I'm also sure if no one said anything I'd be a little bummed.

But honestly? I'm ready to stop discussing my body. I'm tired. I am the checkout lane worker who doesn't want to hear about how it not ringing up means it's free, because it's not fun anymore.

(No. I won't start being rude but TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED.)

elisa123gal

If other people are not commenting..they may not notice that you've lost weight. They may notice you look better to them. I have found over the years of gaining and losing... that people, in general, notice when I was almost at my goal weight. They didn't notice as I was losing..and I thought It aggravating that they never mentioned my weight loss. It truly didn't register with them until the end.

swimmchick87

I had the same experience this past year, and was equally frustrated. I too wondered if people did notice and thought it was not PC to mention it anymore, as I have seen some stuff about that on social media (don't mention weight loss, because it may not be healthy, don't comment on someone's body, even if you think it's a compliment etc.) But it's also hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay- maybe I really don't look that good, maybe it's not really noticeable, etc.

I started losing weight in January of 2020. I remember being miffed because I felt like it was just starting to be noticeable when everything shut down in March. I remember finally fitting into this pair of smaller pants I kept trying on and thinking, "Really? Now that I don't need pants my pants fit?" By June of 2020, I had lost enough weight that I needed to go buy completely new clothes. A few things around here started opening up. I remember getting really excited to go to in person book club and expected to get tons of compliments, especially since they hadn't seen me since Feb. Not a peep. Then I had a friend from home visit, who I hadn't seen since that Christmas. Also not a peep.

I continued losing over the summer, and thought for sure everyone would be wowed when I went back to school in August (teacher). By then, I'd lost 3 sizes! Again, not a single word. Literally no one in my life said anything. I know it's not for other people, but man did that hurt my feelings! I fell off the wagon and gained a lot of the weight back. Not all of it, but a lot. I really think if I was getting a lot of validation, that would have helped. Not blaming anyone but myself, just saying the motivation would have been nice.

As far as "commenting on thinness," I did get this all of the time back when I was thin. In late HS/early college I was a size 2. People gave me compliments constantly. Again, this was "back in the day," so perhaps things have changed now as far as commenting on weight in any way. However, the frustrating piece was that I was in no way "naturally thin." I counted calories and worked out constantly. Yet people saw my size and assumed it was natural. If I said I didn't want to eat x, people would say, "Why are you worried about it? You'll never get fat." When I did eat something higher calorie, it was planned and often meant I'd done an extra long work out as well as eaten significantly less the rest of the day, and people would say, "See! You can eat whatever you want! It's not fair!"