Why has my husband never acknowledged my weight loss

abern52

I have worked very hard to lose 130 lbs and not once in more than a year has my husband said a single encouraging or complimentary word. He is 300 lbs with some health problems of his own (diabetes, high blood pressure, gout, hip replacement, arthritic knee, etc.) I’ve even overheard him telling family members about my weight loss but never said “she looks great”, is “working really hard on her health” or anything positive at all. I don’t need his validation, however, am puzzled by his apathy and find it very odd. There is no possible way that he hasn’t noticed.

Also, we’re “roommates” due to his health issues and have been since 2019 and despite my weight loss seems no more interested in intimacy than before.

Could he be jealous or resentful? I’d love him to join me on this journey (at his own pace) but know I can’t force him nor does he appear interested in improving his health.

goal06082021

This is a conversation you need to have with your husband. How is he supposed to guess what you want from him or how you feel if you don't tell him, out loud, with words?

wunderkindking

Because commenting on someone's weight loss or gain can be touchy territory, and if you want something from him you should tell him.

Literally.

I walked into our bedroom tonight and said, as I entered, "Tell me I look nice." He obliged. He's a great guy who shows me he loves me every day. His love language is acts of service. Hence the showing me every day. My love language , as it were, is basically 'words of affirmation'.

Gotta communicate clearly when you don't have an easy match up.

"Read my mind and give me things I don't ask for" however is never, ever, a fair expectation.

wunderkindking

also never fair:

Rampant speculation about someone's motives to the entire internet instead of ASKING THEM QUESTIONS AND LISTENING TO THE ANSWER.

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Fflpnari

I would just talk to him. It might be more his unhappiness than anything about you.

abern52

I’ve made two attempts at having a conversation with him regarding this. The first time it occurred (about 6 months ago) the closest I got to any positive feedback was “it looks like your clothes are getting bigger” after significant weight loss. The second attempt yielded nothing other than continuing to stare at his phone while playing video games.

snowflake954

Is it normal for him to act this way? No, the majority of husbands would comment and, I believe, favorably. Why? Well you know him better than we do. Perhaps he thinks that talking about it will open the door to a chat on his health problems. Perhaps he thinks you don't love HIM the way he is and is afraid to hear it. Or, he could just be one of those people who are closed and don't talk about anything with their partners.

So, what to do? If you love him you'll have to ask him to go to counseling, otherwise you have to evaluate staying with an individual like this for the rest of your life.

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suzij27

This is a tough one. You may be right. He might be jealous or resentful. Or as said above, he may avoid the topic with you because he may be afraid you’ll want him to change.

I know you would like acknowledgement from your partner, but he may not be able to at this time or ever. Can you live with that?
And I know you are concerned him since he has serious health issues.

If conversations with him haven’t gone anywhere, I think counseling is something to pursue. Couples counseling if he will attend or at least someone for yourself. You’ve worked hard to lose 130 lbs and need to have the support you need to maintain it.

Just my 2 cents worth.

NVintage

There could be so many reasons why, but sounds, to me, like the passion is gone from the relationship. You can live with that or try to get it back somehow...Personally, if the passion is gone, I'm gone. I'd rather be single, just in case I meet a guy that is all about telling me how beautiful I am.:)

MaltedTea

OP went from not once in a year did my spouse compliment or encourage my weightloss results to my spouse gave me feedback that my clothes were getting bigger.

Therefore I am perplexerated 🤔

Conversation is continual. And it doesn't necessarily mean you're fishing for compliments or nagging if you were to directly ask...

"Why haven't you been more encouraging about my weightloss, darling? I'm working hard on my health because (insert your one, deepest reason here) and would like to hear your opinion: positive or otherwise."

Bold is me using your words (from the initial post). I suggest you make space for both positive and, err, other feedback lol so as to allow him the freedom and safety of sharing his opinion - aka his heart - with you.

Flipside is that you'd have to receive what he says, ideally, without shutting him down, getting upset, etc.

Whatever he shares with you about YOUR health results may ultimately help him move towards bettering HIS health results.

All the best of amplified love to you both!

NC_Girl

I totally understand you reaching out to this group as someone here may be experiencing the same thing and may be able to give you sincere advice. All of these certainly have merit in their own way. I am fortunate that my husband is very complimentary. I know that if I didn't have that support that I would be sad. We do not share intimacy as we did in our younger years but found a deeper love that has way more meaning. I've learned so much about real love and acceptance over the years. And as one ages so will that. True love is so much more than sexual.
So my advise would be to determine your actual need for acceptance. Can you live happily being satisfied with your personal success or does your makeup require more? Only you can know this. Maybe put your needs aside and focus on him.... drop little compliments to him or afermations of love. Let him know, if it's true, that you have changed but your love for him has not.
I sincerely hope that you can find the balance that you need and that lesson will be learned by both of you. Great work on your loss. Be proud of that and keep going... It will improve you physically and mentally and that is a wonderful goal to have! 💕

88olds

Likely he feels hopeless. You have the reasons listed in your post.

I know it doesn’t makes sense because the reason for hope is right in front of him. I’ve lost 100 lbs and have kept it off for years. I post on here most days with the idea that maybe I can help someone over a rough spot. Maybe they’ll look at my avatar pic and see the possibilities.

But this- we can see and hear 10K success stories but every individual has to bridge the same gap. Just because they can do it, doesn’t mean I can do it. If we could show people how to get past that we’d be the most famous diet gurus in the world.

Plus you’ve got that “roommate” thing, a difficult area for an aging man. Maybe he thinks it’s better to steer clear of anything that might touch that nerve.

elisa123gal

I will gladly validate your feelings. Yes, it is odd and there is something emotionally wrong with your husband to not mention a 130 pound weight loss. You are not at fault or crazy for wondering why.

Ill give him this, he at least didn't try to sabotage your efforts.

I would guess his problem of being overweight and not being able to be intimate with you at the time, is just too much for him to handle. It isn't that he doesn't love you.. he just can't process his feelings of inadequacy.

congrats on your weight loss... you are amazing for getting it done with no support.. and you are proof that you do it for yourself and not another persons approval. If you did that .. you'd be overweight forever waiting for your husband to give you the green light. You are an inspiration.

SuzySunshine99

I have heard that sometimes husbands get scared when their wife improves themselves in a significant way...losing weight/being healthier, seeing higher education, getting a better job, joining clubs, etc. They are afraid this means they will be left for someone "better".

I'm not saying this is the case with your husband, but given the "roommate" situation, it's possible. He might just be very insecure about the future of your relationship, and that you will suddenly realize he's not "good enough" for you.

He may just need some positive reinforcement...that you love him no matter what.

banshee21

I know we take it that it’s about us but sometimes it’s about him, speak to him and ask if he is ok

g2renew

So many possibilities here-for you and DH-that a counselor is a good bet. But first, perhaps a full medical checkup mighr be a start.

Consider that there may also be medical reasons for the roommate situation. Overweight creates some of them and some of them cause overweight.

Also, 6 months ago our world was going crazy. Could that also be a factor in his response/lack of response?

Best wishes to you both.

MargaretYakoda

SuzySunshine99 wrote: »

I have heard that sometimes husbands get scared when their wife improves themselves in a significant way...losing weight/being healthier, seeing higher education, getting a better job, joining clubs, etc. They are afraid this means they will be left for someone "better".

I'm not saying this is the case with your husband, but given the "roommate" situation, it's possible. He might just be very insecure about the future of your relationship, and that you will suddenly realize he's not "good enough" for you.

He may just need some positive reinforcement...that you love him no matter what.

This is exactly how my husband reacted to my weight loss the first time around.

I’m sure it didn’t help that I was also going back to college at the same time. And, (hindsight) he was at the beginning of his dementia road.

Reassurances on both sides could be helpful. Tell him you love him (assuming you still do) and little things like hugs and arm pats could go a long way.