I think my husband is sabatoshing my weight loss.

amyrluk

I think my husband is hurting my weight loss. He is also overweight, and doesn't count his callories the way that I do. I noticed that he really enjoys large portions and comfort food. And he like to buy me treats. And I do get mad at him when he does this. At a bbq he got me a second hotdog and I yelled at him. He even cooked me two egg rolls for breakfast without asking if I wanted any. He also cooked me a full plate of rice and eggs for dinner. I don't know what to do with him. I haven't lost any witht in the last 3 months, and I think his sabatoshing has a lot do with it. I love him. and I just don't know how to get tough with him.

Onedaywriter

My wife does similar things. I don’t think she’s intentionally trying to sabotage my weight but old habits die hard. We were “partners in crime” on the overeating/ snacking front.
You have to do you. Be strong (it’s hard when someone puts your favorite stuff in front of you).
Believe it or not, your husband will be hurt when you refuse his treats at first. Soon he’ll just find another way to give you small treats that have no calories (back rub, flowers etc). He might be insecure or he might be just adapting too slowly to your new needs/wants.

goal06082021

You don't have to eat the food he brings you. Will it hurt his feelings the next time you drop the second hotdog straight in the trash, or immediately put the egg rolls in the fridge for later (and later might be never)? Probably, but you are allowed to have and enforce boundaries, even with your husband - perhaps especially with your husband, a person who has pledged you his love and support in perpetuity. If he can't hear you when you try to set a boundary, he cannot do his job as a spouse and give you what he promised. This may be a job for a professional - I think everyone can benefit from counseling, but if your sense is that he won't be willing to talk to someone, you should at least look into it for yourself. A counselor can help equip you with tools you can use around boundary-setting and communication with your husband, because that's the root of the problem here.

csplatt

Don’t eat it! It will hurt his feelings a few times then maybe he will adjust. Could it be habit? Do you guys bond and socialize over foods and now he isn’t sure how to otherwise?

ahoy_m8

I think there is something to the “love language” idea. Some people feel loved when receiving gifts. Some people feel loved when another prioritizes quality time with them. Some people feel loved when others do “acts of service” or pamper or take care of them. And everyone gives love the way they feel love.

Maybe your partner feels loved when you bring him food treats. So that’s how he shows you he loves you. Next time he does it, what if you hugged him and asked him straight up— are food treats his way of giving and feeling loved? If yes, keep bringing him treats! But ask him for what you need and what makes you feel loved. It’s ok to have different “love languages” but it helps a lot for both partners to be aware of what works for the other. :flowerforyou:

MaltedTea

Perhaps it's time to have a calm chat about different ways to express love and care for one another.

wunderkindking

My husband has spent 20+ years buying me small e treats as a method of showing he loved me, and me eating those things happily/being delighted by him having done so. I am of the opinion that me yelling at him for continuing to do so would be kind of a jerk move, and accusing him of deliberately sabotaging me without danged good reason to believe so would be unjust and unkind.

Instead I:
Take the candy/freezable things and stash them in the freezer. This works for me/I'm good at moderation as long as it's not right in front of my face.

Saying 'no thanks' if it's a situation (like a BBQ)

When my 'candy bag' in the freezer is full I tell him that maybe if he wants to impulse buy me small things to go non-edible or grab me an interesting diet/sugar free drink. I now have a collection of tiny, weird, unicorn stuff on my desk.

I DO expect him to:
Accept my 'no thanks'

If he got super pushy about it, that would be the point I'd stare him in the face and throw the food straight in the trash, but offering/making it for me? Naaaaah.

Not get bent out of shape if it's a 'later' or a 'no' and think that means I'm rejecting the love that prompted him to try to feed me.

I don't know what's going on in your marriage. Maybe you've tried talking, maybe he's a jerk who is trying to sabotage you, but -- Nothing in here that you've SAID makes me think 'sabotage' or seems like unreasonable spouse behavior. Except maybe yelling at someone for trying to give you a hotdog (even a second one). In the absence of further context that one's weird.

nanastaci2020

Have you talked to him - to explain your goals, needs, expectations? If these are things he has always done he may not know or understand that you no longer want him to continue. If you have discussed it, he may just need gentle reminders to break the habit.

Beyond that: what goes in your mouth is up to you. It can be hard to say "No thank you" and it may be hard to leave food on the plate if you have more than you need. Start working on those habits.

MargaretYakoda

My partner and my husband both have food as their love language.

Husband doesn’t cook anymore so at least I’m not getting it from both of them right now.
But it has taken years to get my partner to understand what a serving size is. Years…

Before this current weight loss journey I’d eat everything because my partner is an extremely good cook. But sometime before the pandemic I did Noom and I started just eating half, and putting the rest in the fridge. I’d tell my partner how good the food was, thank him profusely, and tell him I love him.

After the diabetes diagnosis in Feb I had to really buckle down. I got divided plates, which really helped him visualize portion sizes. I also got a really nifty set of measuring/serving scoops on Amazon. 8 pieces. Long handles because they’re really meant for restaurants. But they are 4 solid, and 4 with drain holes. Quarter, half, three quarter, and full cup sized. Those have been a game changer too.

Anyhow, my advice is patience and love. With tools to help visualize serving size. AND then firm boundaries.

trevnessittnatree

It’s Time to be a little selfish about your health. If he notices your not participating in having bad habits he might learn to be adaptive. Nice quiet talk might solve things. I think 🤔 a conversation in the beginning might be what y’all need. No Yelling just calmness.

jayenguk

would he be interested in doing this with you and maybe working as a team and you both eat healthy? Maybe he is insecure that your losing weight and he wonders where it will leave him? just a thought? might be fun if you both do it together

feroshusavocado

One tip I learned from my dietician, when saying "no thanks" to people like this, is to say "No thanks, I'm really happy right now." Because when they offer you food, they are trying to bring you joy, so to explicitly mention that you are good and happy lets them know that you really don't need the food and are not suffering.

ninerbuff

He TEMPTS you. Sabotage only happens when he would say something is healthy to eat and it's not and you end up eating it due to that info. He can't force you to eat what you do want to. And you can't force him to eat your way either. Just got to resist temptation and be stronger.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

annliz23

My husband likes to do most of the cooking so it's difficult as portion size is a problem but I have worked around it and have a large main meal then tweak other meals accordingly to stay under my target and if its been treats ie chocolate or cake them the tweaking balances it out. Good luck for my its about being flexible.

callsitlikeiseeit

learn how to say NO

just because someone hands you food, does not mean you have to eat it.

and despite what our (or at least my) parents used to tell me... leaving food on my plate has zero effect on starving children anywhere in the world

carolpa1

I have this, too. My husband knows I'm a food addict and is constantly feeding me. He wants me to lose weight but has this bad habit. I know I don't have to eat it but its very hard to resist. We are working on it. He's offering less food and I'm saying no more often.