I lost 65 lbs., gained it all back, and more. What now?

Hello MFP community. It's been a while.

I am reaching out today because I am not sure where to turn.

A few years ago, I set out on a weight loss journey. I was 200 lbs. at 5'8'', the highest weight I had ever been, and one day I woke up and decided to do something about it. Over a year and a half I lost 65 lbs. through calorie counting. I also was lifting a lot and seeing a personal trainer.

At the end of my weight loss, I was struggling mentally and emotionally. I was a little too strict I think with the calories. I wanted to lose more but many people in my life were telling me that I was too thin and didn't look healthy. I lost at a healthy rate, it was just a big change.

Anyways, I do feel I had some ED and body dysmorphia going on. I hated the stretch marks under my belly button and how my stomach looked (I've never liked the way my stomach looked).

So in April 2020 I started on Lexapro. At the same time, lock-down was happening. I used to work out at the gym at my office, but the office and gym was closed down, and I began working from home. I also found some ED recovery content on YouTube and began consuming that. I had gained up to 145 or so. I kind of decided to let loose, stop counting calories, stop exercising for a bit, just let myself eat. The people on YouTube recommended this to get rid of constant hunger with an ED.

I kept gaining and gaining. And now, I am definitely well above 200 lbs. It's crazy. I kind of tried to ignore it. People were shocked and my old boss last fall even asked if I was pregnant and commented on my weight gain and said it looked like I gained it all back.

I've been embarrassed to see people in a way. Thankfully I got a new job in February, so new people who didn't know the skinny fit me.

And now, I've got MORE stretch marks in places I never had them before, and they really make me feel awful. They are on the inside of my upper arms and now go way below and above my belly button, new ones are showing up...

I have been trying to reign in my food intake. I am still working from home. I go to the gym now a few times a week and have been doing cardio.

I have been wearing leggings and T shirts. I absolutely cannot and will not look at myself without clothes, especially my stomach, it's huge. I was like a size 4 and now I'm honestly like an 18 or more. It's ridiculous.

I just kind of feel defeated. I don't know if the Lexapro is contributing to this crazy weight gain. I've been eating within 500 calories for breakfast, lunch, and dinner usually, but then at night I just eat ice cream and stuff and blow my calorie budget.

I don't really feel I'll have any hope of feeling good about my body. I hate these stretch marks. I do really wish I would have appreciated my body before and maintained my weight. Now I have to start all over with less motivation, more stretch marks, it just is a really bad position to be in.

I was wondering if anyone else has bee in my position and how to deal with this?

Thank you all. I used to be a kind of active member, and I hope to be again. I hope all of you are well.


  • boilerdawg2009
    boilerdawg2009 Posts: 979 Member
    I sent you a request. I had lost 36 pounds with another program but by the end of the subscription I had never reached my goal and so I stopped counting and just ate what I thought was moderately. In only two months I had already gained 11 pounds. I got on here and got back on track. It's not even been two weeks but i already feel better about things now than I did when I had gotten to my lowest before. I know my experience isn't quite the same as yours but with support I know you can get back to where you want to be!
  • itsbritneybetch91
    itsbritneybetch91 Posts: 39 Member
    What you wrote sounds like it came straight out of my mouth. Like spot on!! Add me and we can chat. I hear you loud and clear.
  • dddankur
    dddankur Posts: 18 Member
    around 4 years ago i lost 40 pounds and was inches away from a healthy BMI i guess. Then exams came, i stopped working on my health. then vacation from college. I couldnt believe that after working so hard, killing my cravings at night and so much more, a was back to square one. cut to present. I had gained 15 more pounds. Entered obese 1 on BMI. I play sports regularly and i'm quite competitive. And a lot of times i lost games because of fatigue. Pretty rock bottom stuff. Also not doing good career wise as well. So there's that.

    But in the past two months, I just started doing IF. I wanted to curb my cravings so i chose the 8am to 3pm cycle so that i dont have the option to do late night binge. Also, started going to the sports club in the evening so by the time i come home, all the time i get is to take a bath and sleep. It's been around 70 days, i still fight my cravings, so i just keep distracting myself. This are better. Not amazing, but better. I'm overweight now. Not obese, overweight haha.

    I hope you find your groove back too. It might be 10 times harder this time, but hope you find it.