I lost 65 lbs., gained it all back, and more. What now?

peachvine29

Hello MFP community. It's been a while.

I am reaching out today because I am not sure where to turn.

A few years ago, I set out on a weight loss journey. I was 200 lbs. at 5'8'', the highest weight I had ever been, and one day I woke up and decided to do something about it. Over a year and a half I lost 65 lbs. through calorie counting. I also was lifting a lot and seeing a personal trainer.

At the end of my weight loss, I was struggling mentally and emotionally. I was a little too strict I think with the calories. I wanted to lose more but many people in my life were telling me that I was too thin and didn't look healthy. I lost at a healthy rate, it was just a big change.

Anyways, I do feel I had some ED and body dysmorphia going on. I hated the stretch marks under my belly button and how my stomach looked (I've never liked the way my stomach looked).

So in April 2020 I started on Lexapro. At the same time, lock-down was happening. I used to work out at the gym at my office, but the office and gym was closed down, and I began working from home. I also found some ED recovery content on YouTube and began consuming that. I had gained up to 145 or so. I kind of decided to let loose, stop counting calories, stop exercising for a bit, just let myself eat. The people on YouTube recommended this to get rid of constant hunger with an ED.

I kept gaining and gaining. And now, I am definitely well above 200 lbs. It's crazy. I kind of tried to ignore it. People were shocked and my old boss last fall even asked if I was pregnant and commented on my weight gain and said it looked like I gained it all back.

I've been embarrassed to see people in a way. Thankfully I got a new job in February, so new people who didn't know the skinny fit me.

And now, I've got MORE stretch marks in places I never had them before, and they really make me feel awful. They are on the inside of my upper arms and now go way below and above my belly button, new ones are showing up...

I have been trying to reign in my food intake. I am still working from home. I go to the gym now a few times a week and have been doing cardio.

I have been wearing leggings and T shirts. I absolutely cannot and will not look at myself without clothes, especially my stomach, it's huge. I was like a size 4 and now I'm honestly like an 18 or more. It's ridiculous.

I just kind of feel defeated. I don't know if the Lexapro is contributing to this crazy weight gain. I've been eating within 500 calories for breakfast, lunch, and dinner usually, but then at night I just eat ice cream and stuff and blow my calorie budget.

I don't really feel I'll have any hope of feeling good about my body. I hate these stretch marks. I do really wish I would have appreciated my body before and maintained my weight. Now I have to start all over with less motivation, more stretch marks, it just is a really bad position to be in.

I was wondering if anyone else has bee in my position and how to deal with this?

Thank you all. I used to be a kind of active member, and I hope to be again. I hope all of you are well.

boilerdawg2009

I sent you a request. I had lost 36 pounds with another program but by the end of the subscription I had never reached my goal and so I stopped counting and just ate what I thought was moderately. In only two months I had already gained 11 pounds. I got on here and got back on track. It's not even been two weeks but i already feel better about things now than I did when I had gotten to my lowest before. I know my experience isn't quite the same as yours but with support I know you can get back to where you want to be!

katy2lndie

I too lost all my weight in 2014. Then I started slipping back into old habits, thinking I could eat out because I was thin, I could have that piece of cake, because I was thin. Suddenly I wasn't thin anymore. Because I have no desire to ever be in another relationship I basically let myself go. I said if I'm not looking for a man, who cares what I look like. But it turns out that I care. I want to be healthy. I want to live long enough to retire and be able to enjoy it. I know my body will never be perfect again, with sagging skin and stretch marks like you say, but I will be healthy and I will look good in clothes. This is round two for me and I'm determined to stick with it once I've lost the weight. I started at 256 pounds and I'm 25 lbs down, with 71 lbs to go. Do not give up on this for yourself. It took me a few tries to really get back into the groove of weight loss, but if it's important to you you will do it. I wish you the best!

itsbritneybetch91

What you wrote sounds like it came straight out of my mouth. Like spot on!! Add me and we can chat. I hear you loud and clear.

ireallylovechicken1000

I'm gonna make this a long one because this is something important to me as well and I need to put it into words. It may or may not be helpful, but either way, I hope it yields something useful!

The people in my life that told me I was too skinny or anorexic after I lost my weight were the people who were either ill-informed or downright malicious with envy. I felt and still feel fantastic and eat about 2k cals a day. Eating too much or too little may be cause for concern. It's possible you could have an eating disorder and body dysmorphia as you or others say, but regardless of whether or not you do, what do these things mean for you and your ability to get it under control?

The primary issue I think for most people is a lack of confidence and self-esteem. As someone who deals with extreme stretch marks, loose skin and things of that sort, I understand how it feels to go through self-hatred, comparing yourself to others and being overly strict on yourself. It took a lot for me to learn to love and accept myself as I am and live a healthy, balanced life on my own terms, and each person's journey towards reaching that point requires earnest or consistent resilience towards retraining their mental, emotional, social and physical habits into more positive and sustainable forms. In the end there is no quick fix, the answer to these problems is going to be a patient commitment to change. But that's a good thing, for good things take time.

There is all the time in the world, a life time at that. No need to panic or get overly strict with quick results. Never doubt the power of small yet consistent change. The quick fix band-aids that we often apply over the top of our emotional wounds will always lose their staying power and fall off to reveal an even worse wound underneath which is now festering, and thus it's better to seek the path of stitching those wounds shut forever with resources such as therapy and educating ourselves so we can lead happier lives.

Many people go the route of seeking therapy, doctors or medication to fix these issues. If you have body dysmorphia or an eating disorder, I would highly recommend this. In general, I recommend this! I have no experience with any of these things since I could never afford them, and so I had to work on and fix these things myself without a guide, but ultimately I believe that's the eventual goal of the people trying to help you: to help you help yourself. Utilizing those resources with a support system in place can help facilitate that change faster than going it alone if you put in the work, but don't leave fate up to the whims of impulse that brought you to that point in the first place. No matter what path you take it will require patient work, but more than that, smart work. Working with yourself, for yourself, rather than against yourself through the eyes of others.

Self-sabotage is something that took me half a decade to eliminate, and on that note I highly recommend to you mindfulness and studying your psychology. The more you separate yourself from your emotional impulses/ego the more you can dissect your behavioral patterns and apply small changes/fixes to mend and lead your future self in the right direction. It's not always successful, often times not at all, but I found that just deciding to try and carry out the act itself regardless of success had a healthy impact on my habits and decisions, and the more I learned the more effective it became over time. This is slightly unrelated yet an example of something similar: the brain can benefit from just the act of deciding to try and look for something to be grateful for rather than finding gratitude itself.

The internet is a tool and how we use it can change our lives for the better or for the worse, and often times the solution you're looking for has been researched and practiced. You might have to wade through an endless sea of confusion and dedicate a lot of time into it, but what else should our time be for than to seek happiness, stability and peace of mind? When you find the things that work for you and commit to them, your body and mind will thank you. You would not regret that investment, no matter if you're 15 or 80 years old. Your behavioral patterns will open up and reveal themselves to you. The eventual goal for me personally was to sustain clarity long enough to learn about my behaviors and redirect them with a patient, caring hand rather than be controlled by them in a state of fear, and in the end that's what I got. Anybody can do it, it just requires practice and time.

You can find the happiness you seek, you have the power, we all do. You came here posting this because deep down you know you want to get back on that horse, and you absolutely should. Even if you fall off the horse completely, once you get back on you still have your tools at your disposal that you learned, the knowledge you learn never leaves. There is a life time to grow that knowledge and blossom its power into your hands much like a beautiful garden, but it won't grow if it doesn't get the water and sunlight it needs. Caring for plants takes time and you need to know how much water and sunlight each plant needs and why. Why wouldn't our thoughts and behaviors be the same? We require care and patience in order to change our habits. We should care for and about ourselves, not condemn, neglect and judge ourselves and others. How could we blossom under those conditions?

Same thing with the "horse", it can only ride stronger with time and practice. A growth-oriented mindset is the key for practice and learning. A fixed mindset does not allow that door to open, at least not for long. Unlocking that mental door for good will unlock strength of body and confidence of mind that will follow you throughout the rest of your life, then with time you may begin to discover more and more about the person you were always meant to be. We forget how to live earnestly and happily like we did as children for we are judged from the moment we are born as we are taught to think in grueling unrealistic terms with ourselves and others whilst undergoing parental pressures, school pressures, social pressures, job pressures, and eventually, the pressure we learn to force upon ourselves unconsciously. Giving in to frustration, anger, fear, guilt, shame, it will just keep you on the ground longer. Allow yourself to process and label these emotions rather than run from them and you will find it's easier to pick yourself back up and keep growing, keep riding. A lot of people get lost behind door number one looking for makeshift keys to unlock it, but there is only one key: acceptance of yourself.

Unhappy people may prey upon your weaknesses and judge your appearance, and so too may positive people admire your strength and hard work and applaud you for it, but remember: what's most important comes from inside. Validation may be cause for joy and rejection may sting, but these external judgments should never be the primary means of which we view the lens of our life. True happiness is found inside.

dddankur

around 4 years ago i lost 40 pounds and was inches away from a healthy BMI i guess. Then exams came, i stopped working on my health. then vacation from college. I couldnt believe that after working so hard, killing my cravings at night and so much more, a was back to square one. cut to present. I had gained 15 more pounds. Entered obese 1 on BMI. I play sports regularly and i'm quite competitive. And a lot of times i lost games because of fatigue. Pretty rock bottom stuff. Also not doing good career wise as well. So there's that.

But in the past two months, I just started doing IF. I wanted to curb my cravings so i chose the 8am to 3pm cycle so that i dont have the option to do late night binge. Also, started going to the sports club in the evening so by the time i come home, all the time i get is to take a bath and sleep. It's been around 70 days, i still fight my cravings, so i just keep distracting myself. This are better. Not amazing, but better. I'm overweight now. Not obese, overweight haha.

I hope you find your groove back too. It might be 10 times harder this time, but hope you find it.