Kids or no kids

Dees_Apples

Kinda a serious topic but here goes

I'm in a relationship with someone who comes from a culture of traditional roles of having kids and raising a family. Honestly, I come from such a culture as well.

However, I myself am on the fence about having kids and lean more towards the side of not wanting any children.

I know she would be happy to have kids. From the beginning I've known it's something she'd want. Her and I have had this conversation and she tries to assure me she'd be ok with not having children, would be content on just living life with me.

But.. I can't shake this unsettling feeling that, over time, she may begin feeling unfulfilled (even if secretly), if I didn't give her that in life.

How do you feel about being in a relationship with someone who, from the beginning, you knew wanted kids but you didn't? Or vice versa

Is it too great a compromise which will ultimately cause problems? Should I listen to my gut feeling that she's agreeing to not having kids for the sake of the relationship but that over time it may cause a feeling of discontentment? If her and I kept going and later there started be be evidence of dissatisfaction, I pretty much have to live with the guilt of knowing I caused her dissatisfaction over the kids topic

Besides the issue of kids everything else seems to be fine. I'm in love with her, she seems in love with me. Should I let someone go, over differing stances on having kids even though everything else seem to be going well?

I know we are strangers but what has been your experience with something like this?

rosebarnalice

My experience says "listen to your heart, and keep the communications channels open."

When my husband and I first started dating, I was 23 and he was 26, and we both expressed early on having no interest in having children. It's one of those things we had in common that led us further into our relationship.

When we got engaged six months later, we were both in grad school, both pursuing intellectual and creative interests, and as we approached our wedding date, he asked me if I was still on the "childfree" train. I thought about it, and my answer was, "I am right now, but I reserve my right to change my mind because I don't know if my biological clock is going to start madly ticking some day after I finish grad school." In the back of my mind was the thought that my mother was a career woman first, and didn't have her first child (me) until she was 35.

We agreed then and there to "never say never", and to check in with each other on that on the childfree thing every now and then.

As it turned out, that conversation established a pattern early in our marriage that we've maintained ever since. About once a year around tax season, we have "The Big Talk" where we sit down together to do our taxes, review our progress towards our personal and creative goals, take a look at our retirement savings and make any adjustments, talk about any big upcoming decisions or issues for which we need to plan (replace a car? adopt that kitten? follow that new job? family member health issues? our health issues? can we afford a cool vacation?) and "are we still cheerfully childfree?"

I graduated, he graduated--we were still good on the childfree thing. He turned 30, then I turned 30 and till good. He turned 35, then I turned 35 and we were still good. On our 15th anniversary, with age 40 not far on the horizon, I told him I didn't think we needed to ask that question any more--and he scheduled his vasectomy.

We've been married 37 years, and never regretted our decision not to have children--a decision, by the way, that I think has made us a better "frauntie" and "fruncle" for many of our friends' children. And in retrospect, our mutual agreement to keep communications open, and make time every year to check in on that and other conversations that other couples sometimes avoid has been part of the secret to our good relationship.