Need advice from people who have lost a loved one *suicide trigger warning*

Sofiapilla

Sorry for the alarming title, I wasn’t sure how to word it. I have never lost a close family member in a tragic way except for when I was a lot younger, so I am needing some advice on what is appropriate for this situation..

My daughter has been seeing the same mental health therapist every other week for over a year now. I’ll call her Rachel. The past two appts have been canceled with no explanation other than ‘family emergency’ so I hoped it was just a case of quarantine or something..

Rachel reached out the other day to reschedule my daughter’s appointment and said she has been out because of the loss of her son.

She did not mention it to me, but because I live in a rather small and inter-connected community, I have since learned that her son took his own life.

I gave her our condolences when I responded to her and she simply said ‘Thank you’ and moved on. I can’t tell if she’s trying to maintain professionalism because she thinks she should or if she’s trying to actively avoid talking about it for herself.

We meet with her next week and I have no idea what to say or how to conduct myself. I don’t want to say the wrong thing but I don’t want to not say the right thing either. Please help. Any insight is much appreciated.

slimgirljo15

As someone who has been in this position of loss recently I would say just conduct yourself as you normally would at your daughters app. Its Rachel's place of work and she is trying to do her job. I would think her private life she'd rather keep out of there. You've said your condolences already, no need to keep at it... and yeah," Thank you " is really all one can say back to people you hardly know, I found any more than that and I'd cry .. awkward for me in front of people I don't know well.

Thats just my 2 cents worth 🙂

steelrod1

slimgirljo15 wrote: »

As someone who has been in this position of loss recently I would say just conduct yourself as you normally would at your daughters app. Its Rachel's place of work and she is trying to do her job. I would think her private life she'd rather keep out of there. You've said your condolences already, no need to keep at it... and yeah," Thank you " is really all one can say back to people you hardly know, I found any more than that and I'd cry .. awkward for me in front of people I don't know well.

Thats just my 2 cents worth 🙂

Ditto what she said.

Sofiapilla

Thank you ❤️❤️

ReenieHJ

Tragic. I agree with the previous posters. Hopefully she has a circle of support around her, people she can share her thoughts with but because you know her in a professional way, that's probably the way to keep it. I understand the wanting to reach out and say/do something though. Maybe your dd could send her a card and leave it at that?

My sister goes to this shop quite often, knows the owner by name and chats her up whenever they see each other in public. Her dd runs the shop with her. Her dd announced on the store's FB page about losing her dh recently due to Covid issues and pre-existing conditions. She also added that people can wave and say hi, but please do not do more than that because it's a very sad mental place to be in right now and she doesn't want to constantly be answering questions/breaking down in public while trying to work in the store.

Just thought you might see it from the therapist's perspective a little better by sharing this story.

Sofiapilla

@ReenieHJ yes that helps a lot, thanks. We are extremely close with this woman but that is the very nature of her job so the lines are blurry.

westrich20940

That's awful for her. I'd say she's probably trying to be professional and do her job. However, as a therapist she probably also experiences a lot of secondary trauma on a consistent basis and this acute personal trauma is something she needs to process.

I'd say behave how you normally would - but I'd suggest it may not be out of pocket to express your condolences again and add that if she needs to take some time of her own (more than what she's already taken) - that's OK with you (assuming your daughter's own issues can be dealt with while missing some of her therapy appointments).

Many times, professionals (especially mental health professionals) do not ... take their own advice so to speak. Like...any mental health professional should be participating in therapy of their own, in most situations...but many often do not. I think as long as you really let her know that you guys are willing to be flexible in case she does need to take more time off, that will help her. She may want the distraction of her normal work schedule though, just depends.

I'd also ask that you maybe mark your calendar for like....a few months from now and check back in with her (depending on how close your relationship is)....lots of people often offer support right after something traumatic happens but that support often wains quickly as time goes along but this is not something that someone will 'get over' after a few weeks/months...so it's nice to have some people check back in with you even after everyone is done with sending cards/flowers, etc.