Is your self image warped?

ReenieHJ

I know mine is.

I was mindlessly browsing internet stuff this a.m. and clicked on pictures of celebrities in bikinis. Don't ask me why.

But looking at them all, I realized that's not the important thing, how great you look in bikinis. Because truth be told, many(if not most) look like regular people. Sure you got your Victoria models, always will have. But then there are so many different body shapes, curves, we're all different. We need to find a way to accept ourselves for who we are, not how we fill out a suit. Lizzo looked as happy as Kate Hudson. We need to stop striving for that almost impossible goal of perfection in others' eyes and seek to be great in our own eyes. Find what gives us our own spark, love of life, joy, and just as important, self-acceptance. Focusing on other people and reaching out to help, can make us just as beautiful to others as being the perfect 36-24-36. A smile can improve our outer beauty 100%.

I've always worried too much about what others think of me physically. And TBH, that's pretty shallow and ridiculous. I've always hid behind my wall of shame, never daring to step out from behind.

So from now on, I'm going to focus on the inner beauty part of my being and find ways to improve my self image so I can make others' lives better or easier. My healthier lifestyle will be geared more towards the health aspect and not outer beauty. Because, in the end that's not what matters.

Happy Sunday everyone and make it a wonderful day!!

Theoldguy1

Based on these data points Lizzo is morbidly obese. She may be "looking happy" but not something she should accept from a health standpoint or others should emulate.

ReenieHJ

Theoldguy1 wrote: »

Theoldguy1 wrote: »

Based on these data points Lizzo is morbidly obese. She may be "looking happy" but not something she should accept from a health standpoint or others should emulate/be happy with from a physical standpoint.

I'm not going to disagree with you but the sense of the topic was meant to be one of self-acceptance. It's not up to any of us to point a finger at her and call her unhealthy.

AdahGreen2022

The fact is that she IS unhealthy, though. Self-acceptance is what is important not being in denial about the things you need to improve upon! Self-acceptance is just realizing that we're only human, not perfect. Our past experiences and culture plays a big part in who we are, and our mistakes don't always make us bad people. Find something important to you that you want to live for, and it'll be easier to live healthy.

Chef_Barbell

I love myself and all that comes with it. It took a long time for me to get to a place of self acceptance but here I am now. I'm a sexy beast. 😏

Theoldguy1

AdahGreen2022 wrote: »

The fact is that she IS unhealthy, though. Self-acceptance is what is important not being in denial about the things you need to improve upon! Self-acceptance is just realizing that we're only human, not perfect. Our past experiences and culture plays a big part in who we are, and our mistakes don't always make us bad people. Find something important to you that you want to live for, and it'll be easier to live healthy.

Could not have said it better myself.

1chesc

I think self acceptance is really important. I would compare myself to others and then get upset I didn't look like them and would end up giving up on my journey to become healthier because it felt unachievable.

When I stopped comparing myself to others and started accepting myself I was able to make great progress on becoming healthy.

I started my journey as obese and I am now at healthy weight. It took a while for me to realise I needed to accept myself in order to make progress.

ReenieHJ

Theoldguy1 wrote: »

AdahGreen2022 wrote: »

The fact is that she IS unhealthy, though. Self-acceptance is what is important not being in denial about the things you need to improve upon! Self-acceptance is just realizing that we're only human, not perfect. Our past experiences and culture plays a big part in who we are, and our mistakes don't always make us bad people. Find something important to you that you want to live for, and it'll be easier to live healthy.

Could not have said it better myself.

And this is pretty much what I said in my first post, that I'd be focusing more on what's inside than what I look like. I never meant to start a disagreement on whether Lizzo is unhealthy or not; that's on her, I just mentioned she looks as happy as all the model thin women. My main idea was to focus less on physical beauty and more on what's inside. Oy.

And @1chesc hit on it when she mentioned comparisons. I've always looked at my own physical self through a pair of warped, comparing myself to 'beauties'. *That's* what I was hoping to change about myself, that we need to look deeper than our physical traits because that's not the whole of who we are.

"My healthier lifestyle will be geared more towards the health aspect and not outer beauty. Because, in the end that's not what matters."

AnnPT77

Yes, whether Lizzo is healthy or unhealthy is a "point missed" response to your OP, IMO.

We can accept ourselves wherever and however we are, and at the same time wish to change some things in a more positive direction. For some/many people, it's actually easier to make positive changes from a position of accepting current self, as compared with a position of disliking/hating current self. A hated self may not feel worth the effort investment, or feel capable of that effort.

For sure, in any endeavor, it makes no sense IMO to compare ourselves to the "pinnacle people", unless we're "very near to pinnacle people" . . . and then only maybe helpful. Sometimes we can learn from pinnacle people, by considering how they got where they are. But in most casese, the useful comparison is our past self, our current self, our future self: Moving forward on our priorities, or not?

It's impossible, IMO, to optimize everything: Physical perfection, athletic accomplishment, creative output, intellectual achievements, etc. We have to prioritize what's best and most important for us. Striving toward things with a genetic aspect - sports performance, currently-trendy "beautiful" appearance - is particularly fraught, when it comes to becoming our best selves, in the ways that are important to us.

I'm never going to look like a supermodel, even if I indulged in maximum surgery, products, workouts, supplements, makeup, and whatever else may be applicable. (Even if I got there, the supermodel ideal changes over time, so by the time I got close, it would've changed.) That pursuit would be the pursuit of unhappiness.

I don't know, don't much care where Lizzo is on the self-actualization spectrum, because she's not me. Should she not be or not look happy because she's fat and very likely less healthy than she could be, as a consequence of being fat? No, that's silly. Does that make her a bad role model, going around being happy while fat? Not IMO.

Could she be a better role model in some way? Yeah, probably. So could I. So could you (generic you). So could everybody. I've got plenty of self-actualization I can work on, don't have a lot of time to be glaring over at other people in their personal lanes.

I don't have Lizzo's musical talent or well-educated musical skills, either. 🤷‍♀️

I sure hope no one's suggesting that her appearance, her weight, or her cholesterol numbers are the only important things about Lizzo. That would seem a little . . . shallow? 😉

ReenieHJ

@AnnPT77 Well said.

sbelletti

You can't tell if someone is happy by looking at them. Quite often, unhappy people disguise their true feelings by overcompensating outwardly.

Do what makes you happy and don't worry about trying to look or be like anyone else. You never know how happy or miserable those other people are.

Kudos to OP for realizing she is in control of her own happiness. That's half the battle!

springlering62

This took a nosedive fast.

My mother always told me I was homely. She used to throw me a bone. “Oh, you’ll look better when you get old, though”. Well, no young person wants to be told they’re ugly but can look forward to being elderly.

I bought into this for years. Saw “homely” in the mirror and wondered “just how old do I have to get?”

Two things affected me.

I found a photo in a box of two very pretty young girls. I stared and stared until I realized it was me and a friend at a HS football game. I have very few photos of myself from that era. I was “too homely” to want to be included in photos. I literally cried my eyes out when I saw that.

The other was seeing photos of my daughter with her newborn. My daughter is a stunner but is that rare person it’s meaningless to. I was looking at her happy grin, with her funny pointy chin, and it hit me in the gut: she looks just like me. I’ve never seen that before, probably because my chin had several other chins underneath it for so long.

What WE see in the mirror is not what other people are. It’s not even what the mirror sees, since mirrors reflect in reverse.

I’m already getting hopelessly tangled up here, but I’m guess what I’m saying is, if we can’t see ourselves accurately and the mirror can’t see it show us ourselves accurately, and others deny what they see, why do we spend so much time in mortal pain over it?

TL:DR. Be happy in your own skin. And tell someone else they look beautiful today.

ReenieHJ

@springlering62 Loved all your words and it makes me sad to know your mom sabotaged your self-image and self-esteem like that. Children are so impressionable and believe everything a parent tells them.
And sometimes complete strangers as well. Too many times I was called names simply walking along the street so I spent a lot of my younger(and older too ) days hiding from the public, staying inside myself. Hey, I believed them. The experience made me create a very negative self image and for the most part I've shaken it, but there are still days.......

Hugs to you @springlering62!!! To see what I see of you on the forums.....I see a strong, dedicated, and kind individual. One that can do head stands.

ythannah

springlering62 wrote: »

My mother always told me I was homely. She used to throw me a bone. “Oh, you’ll look better when you get old, though”. Well, no young person wants to be told they’re ugly but can look forward to being elderly.

Did we have the same mother? Mine always said, "You're not pretty but if you work at it you could have a nice personality".

Yes, I have a warped self image.

I never did work on having that nice personality but, strangely enough, people seem to like me anyway. Even people who like very very few other people seem to like me. The lack of physical attractiveness bothered me A LOT when I was younger but I'm 58 now and none of the people my age are getting cuter so it's much less important at this late stage. Age has kinda levelled the playing field. Besides, I spend all my time on the inside looking out, most of the time I forget about it.

I sometimes worry that I put all my self-esteem eggs into the professional/career achievement basket and I'll be cast adrift when I retire (which will be soon).

The body has never conformed to any recent ideals of physical attractiveness, although I'd have made a great flapper in the 1920s. I'm no less determined to fight my genetics and try to pack on some muscle because every ounce I gain will help me retain function in my older years.

springlering62

ReenieHJ wrote: »

@springlering62 Loved all your words and it makes me sad to know your mom sabotaged your self-image and self-esteem like that. Children are so impressionable and believe everything a parent tells them.
And sometimes complete strangers as well. Too many times I was called names simply walking along the street so I spent a lot of my younger(and older too ) days hiding from the public, staying inside myself. Hey, I believed them. The experience made me create a very negative self image and for the most part I've shaken it, but there are still days.......

Hugs to you @springlering62!!! To see what I see of you on the forums.....I see a strong, dedicated, and kind individual. One that can do head stands.

Reenie, I am so sorry you’ve experienced that. WTF is wrong with people?

Thanks for the kind words. I’m no beauty, but I’m so happy with my life right now I just want to hug myself and spread the joy.

My siblings are deaf, and we sign. We came up in the era when people- even adults- would stare rudely or point and loudly ask “what’s wrong with them?”

I’d just gotten my drivers license and my first paycheck. I was 16. I took my sister, who was about 11 and we went to a clothing store. Our family was perpetually broke from the financial strain of raising special needs kids, so having a few bucks in my pocket to do something as lavish and unimaginably selfish as buying clothes was insanely special.

Some woman and her daughter started doing the “thing” and my sister was so distraught she hid inside a round clothing rack and I had to coax her out.

It happened all the time but that time was just egregious, and had always stuck with me.

I had issues with name calling throughout HS. Never told my folks. They had enough on their plates. But yeah, it makes you shut down socially, and that’s a skill that needs to be honed. I don’t have it.


If you can’t say something nice, then STFU, folks.

springlering62

@ythannah

Families can be difficult. And no wonder there’s all kinds of psychology involving our mothers. Wowsa.

Retirement is amazing. If you don’t fall into the trap of sitting and staring at the TV or surfing the net for hours on end, there’s so much stuff to do and no one telling you when you can do it.

Sorry, don’t know if you’re married or in a relationship. The company helps tremendously, even though I swear neither of us hears 50% of what the other says. That’s why I’m so invested in keeping the husband healthy. If something happens to him, with my sorely lacking social skills, I’m SOL, lol.

And may I say, this is brilliant. You win the internet tonight!

I'm 58 now and none of the people my age are getting cuter so it's much less important at this late stage. Age has kinda levelled the playing field.

ythannah

springlering62 wrote: »

My siblings are deaf, and we sign. We came up in the era when people- even adults- would stare rudely or point and loudly ask “what’s wrong with them?”

Signing is SO cool. I can remember being a teen standing in a long slow queue behind a group who were signing and thinking how fascinating it was. They could be saying anything they wanted and no one around them would know!

I've always wanted to learn ASL. (Might be something to pursue in retirement.)

I'm sorry people were rude to your siblings, that's horrible.

AnnPT77

springlering62 wrote: »

@ythannah

Families can be difficult. And no wonder there’s all kinds of psychology involving our mothers. Wowsa.

Retirement is amazing. If you don’t fall into the trap of sitting and staring at the TV or surfing the net for hours on end, there’s so much stuff to do and no one telling you when you can do it.

Sorry, don’t know if you’re married or in a relationship. The company helps tremendously, even though I swear neither of us hears 50% of what the other says. That’s why I’m so invested in keeping the husband healthy. If something happens to him, with my sorely lacking social skills, I’m SOL, lol.

And may I say, this is brilliant. You win the internet tonight!

I'm 58 now and none of the people my age are getting cuter so it's much less important at this late stage. Age has kinda levelled the playing field.

Far be it from me to suggest you do anything but treasure and preserve your husband: A good'un is a remarkable, valuable thing - 100%.

But, IMO, your speculation (the bolded) is incorrect, probably - unless a person were to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, as I've seen some do. Short of that, it can work out, even if it seems improbable - though IME it takes a little time and maybe experimentation. Don't ask me how I know.

Let's just say there can be lots of forms of warped self image, maybe. 😉

ReenieHJ

There are some wise and eloquent people here.

And ah yes, people. People who taunt, call you names, find anything to pick on you about to make themselves feel better, etc. I feel it happened during my formative years more so than 30's+. But it does stick to a person and is hard to shake, and it can definitely become a "self fulfilling prophecy" as Ann said. And we still see it, maybe far worse than it used to be before social media came around, even going as far as creating suicide issues. Some people just $u@k.

Chef_Barbell

It's weird. When I was a teenager, I was bullied for having certain attributes that society now considers desired. Receiving that type of attention late in the game was weird and caused me to make not the best life decisions. 🙃

elisa123gal

This is why I sort of love the BMI chart. The "healthy weight" range is generous. I could weigh between 128 and 163 and not be "overweight." The chart doesn't lie.. if I weigh more than 169 I'm overweight..and if I would get over 196 I'd be obese. And it doesn't matter if I smile and rock an outfit. unhealthy and overweight and obese.. are just that.

mirianyusm

Thank you all for sharing your experience.

Beautyofdreams

I grew up being the largest(wore adult clothes and shoes) kid in my class until others caught up to me in junior high. I was called fat most of my life and my father called me ugly. My parents didn't call me fat which made me think that they were lying because even teachers called me fat. One year in junior high I went out for basketball just to embarrass my parents. I ended up going from the bench to starter on the B squad and sometime starter on the A squad. Still didn't change my self image, just re-enforced that I would not trust anyone, do my own thinking and just please myself since I couldn't please others.
To this day, I cannot see myself as others see me. Yet I can look at a size 25,26, 27 or 28 pants and tell you which size I wear. This makes me laugh as I have and wear all the mentioned sizes in my closet. What I do know about myself is that I love to learn, develop habits easily and am consistent and goal oriented.