How do you support someone else?

ReenieHJ

I feel really helpless and so very sad for my dd. She said on her last plane trip she had a terribly difficult time buckling her seat belt and is so embarrassed to think she might have to ask for an extender next time. She's seeing many professionals, including a psychiatrist, doctor, dietitian, therapist. They're working as a team to help her.
My heart is truly breaking for her and I am afraid to say the wrong thing. I told her I love her and hope her team can help her.
I know it's hard; I've dealt with binge eating my entire life. But until she gains control herself, I have no clue what to say or do to help. I've actually told her about this site but she hesitates to use it. I think she's working more on herself and why she is this way.

A year+ ago she lost 70# but said she gained it all back plus some.

I just feel so helpless and sad for her.

ossentia

She only needs to take one day at a time, and she doesn't have to make all the changes at once. She can start with one change to her diet and then add another the following week and another the week after that. Do you live nearby? If so, how about starting to walk together every other day? A reminder that this is a long journey rather than a race helps. You mess up one day, and start fresh the next.

LifeChangz

So, like anyone with any problem - it is a problem they are trying to deal with - but not who they are. Think it is important to listen, nod, hug, encourage when they need to talk about it, but often people are expressing their distress/angst/venting rather than asking us to fix it/for a solution - like with anyone, there is much we do together - and that should remain our routine - and perhaps, it ought to be similar to encouraging someone who is trying/struggling to quit smoking or other problems, share empathy & encouragements like yay you and keep trying... It is good she has professional help - so good on her for actively doing something to help herself.

kchapmanma

I'd just tell her that you love her unconditionally, and you hate to see her sad about anything. That if there's anything you can do to help, to just let you know and you'll be there. But then let her tell you if there's anything she'd like help with, so she can decide if there's a particular way she'd like to be supported.

ahoy_m8

Responses above are so good. Agree with all of that.

As a cautionary tale: I have a HS friend who is in a really difficult situation with her adult daughter. There are many factors that make it difficult and heartbreaking for everyone, really. Unfortunately, my friend is dealing with this pretty much alone without the support of friends because all her friends are tired of giving her the same unsolicited advice she doesn't take.

Sometimes what a person needs is unconditional love, not a solution.

Xellercin

If I were a parent of a child struggling, I would seek professional advice as to how to address it.

ReenieHJ

Thank you all for replying. I live all the way across the states so can't be with her, though I wish I could.
She is a strong person to create a support circle of professionals around her and I am truly glad for that. I think, being a mom, creates an illusion of 'gotta fix things' no matter what and a severe feeling of helplessness when I can't. As a parent, I hurt because she hurts. It's definitely a parent thing. I've also felt some of the things she feels, throughout my life. Maybe not to the same extent but a lot of it rings true.
I have to get rid of my feelings of offering help/advice/suggestions and simply tell her I'm here if she needs anything at all and I love her unconditionally. I do say those things but probably not enough.

ahoy_m8

A mentor once remarked that having a daughter is like having your heart on the outside of your body. That feels so true! Hugs to you both.