How Can I Have a Healthy Relationship with Food While Being Lean and Healthy?

Lucas2013

I have a history of some tumultuous relationship with food starting in high school. Before then, I was healthy and ate a relatively healthy diet while enjoying mall portions of treats my mother made every once in awhile, but not nearly as athletic. When I started fitness classes in high school, I also made some changes to my diet, which started off positive, such as increasing fruit and vegetables. I had a large breakfast and salad for lunch every day.

Eventually, I started reading more about fitness and started incorporating fasting into my routine. I got to the best shape of my life at 8% body fat, but I was miserable. I was often extremely hungry and since I didn't allow myself to have many carbs, I would binge on entire jars of peanut butter and then workout for 2 hours at high intensity to burn it off. After high school was over, I alternated between a variety of eating styles, including Paleo, low-carb, but never found them very sustainable. I also tried tracking my calories but found that it would make me obsessive and I would feel guilty for going over my calories by more than 100.

In some cases, I would use it to justify not eating the next day. At this time, I also had periods of binges followed by fasting every week. Though the binges have largely stopped, I still struggle with my relationship with food and feel anxious hanging out with friends and I feel guilty, as I often cannot track these times. I desire a healthy relationship with food, as my current relationship has caused me much anguish and suffering throughout the years, yet I would like to maintain an athletic and lean physique. What is your advice on how I can improve my relationship with food while maintaining a relatively lean physique?