I'm so lost and scared starting over and need help please.

Cluelessmama1979

I keep trying.
It keeps getting worse and it takes less and less time to do so much more damage.

I started in March of 2018, weighing in at about 220 lbs. I'm 5' 1" tall so that put my BMI at 41. I got concerned, started tracking my calorie intake, being more active, eating healthier... I did a ton of research. And it was working so well. I got down to 175 by August 2018... 45 lbs in under 6 months. I felt great. And... idk. My kid started the new school year, it got cold... lots of stuff, I don't even really know what fell apart.
By June 2019, I was back up to 200lbs By August 2019, I was at 240. Undid all my progress and gained even more.
So I went back to logging and trying and tracking and in 4 months I had gotten back to 200.
Then, well, 2020 happened. I ended up hitting 260 lbs by the start of 2021. 60lbs in a year. It took 4 months to get back "down" to 240... still 20lbs over my old starting weight.
So that was almost exactly a year ago. I weighed myself last week... 273 lbs. BMI is 53.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I mean... I know what to do, logically. I know all the right steps. I know *what* to do. I just can't seem to stick to... anything.

I'm partially disabled so getting exercise is... spotty, at best. I have no support system. No family other than my 13 year old daughter. We moved here 5 years ago, but we're both on the autism spectrum and don't socialize much. Neighborhood isn't the chatty friendly type of place either. I've tried a couple of doctors to see if I can get help/support/advice and they just blow me off.
Being short means pretty low calorie intake without exercise in order to see much result at all..
We have a pretty small food budget, and food prices are skyrocketing.
And due to allergies and past traumas, a lot of foods I could use to help, I physically cannot eat.

I'm trying but it's so hard and I am so alone and lost. And I'm scared I'm going to end up so unhealthy that it kills me. I'm scared I'm gonna pass my food issues on to my kid. I'm scared I will never find anyone to help.
I don't know what to do...

So I am back here, on a new account... clean slate. And I am tracking my calories and eating... less.
And so far I've gone over every day this week except yesterday.
Today was going really well and then the app started logging ghost meals and I just felt like giving up.

So I decided to post here, which I haven't done any of the other times... hoping... idk... maybe someone has some insight, or ... something.
I just need help.
Please.

And thanks if you actually read this far, I don't know how you made it through all of this, lol...

avatiach

You may find some good support on the community boards here. There are some discussions going with people who have 100+ pounds to lose. And is your daughter interested in supporting you? What if you just try to add/change one habit at a time. Start by logging your food, or start by only drinking water/coffee/tea. Or by walking for five minutes…good luck!

Cluelessmama1979

avatiach wrote: »

You may find some good support on the community boards here. There are some discussions going with people who have 100+ pounds to lose. And is your daughter interested in supporting you? What if you just try to add/change one habit at a time. Start by logging your food, or start by only drinking water/coffee/tea. Or by walking for five minutes…good luck!

My daughter is extremely supportive but... she's 13 lol. She'd live on junk food if she could. (She's at a healthy weight tho)

I haven't seen those discussions yet, that could be a huge help!

The walking thing is hard... I have so far avoided using the lil scooters at the grocery store, but after just walking through yhe grocery store (pushing through the pain) I usually can't move at all for about 3 days.

I'm trying to make smaller changes this time though and see if that helps!

Thanks for the reply, I was starting to feel like no one would care. Just getting a reply helped so much!

Hiawassee88

Food is powerful. Use this site as a springboard and a tool to create sustainable habits that you can hold onto for the rest of your life. Clear the decks. It will take true grit but you're going to learn how to moderate your portions. The food scale is your friend. Consistency, consistency, consistency.

Right now, don't concentrate on your current weight. You're going to change your relationship with your portions. A victory is a victory. We all know exactly where we're at with our clothes. If you don't want to hop on the scales every day then do it once a week. Don't let your starting weight rule and reign...and rain on your victory parade.

You're in this for the long haul and there's no such thing as the finish line. Bouncing in and out of dieting will get you nowhere good. You want your new positive habits to continue for the rest of your life. Don't let the entire focus be on weight loss.

Constant starts and stops actually create another disconnect for the brain. If you fall down, you're going to stand back UP.
A victory is a victory and you're going to break these dieting and relapse cycles. Consistency is your strategy for long term success. You've got to gut it out and do not disappear when mistakes are made. Dropping it like it's hot is not the answer.

88AViva

Hi 👋🏼
Slow and steady is the way. Results may not make you feel ecstatic but you won't gain back the weight as fast as you lost it if you just focus on building a lifestyle of better eating instead of just quick weight loss. Don't focus too much on the scale. Just make sure you stay under the daily cals and make daily movement a consistency.
Maybe measure how much stronger you are getting everyday instead of the number on the scale, it's less stressful. Try 5 - 10 minutes of walking, tomorrow add an extra 2 minutes and keep adding gradually 🙂
Don't force yourself to eat things you don't enjoy but make a list of healthy food options you do like and can easily add to the weekly rotation for meal prep. Weigh your food and set regular portions.
One day at a time 🙂 don't stress about how fast or slow your progress is. Much of the progress cannot be shown by the scale. Wishing you health 🌼

terylmwiglet

I read to the end! This will be tough, you’ll need to focus on your solid reason: your daughter and your quality of life. I’m not sure of your capabilities, but YouTube have free seated upper body exercise videos. Burning calories without having to use your legs 😃

Cluelessmama1979

Washboard12 wrote: »

We all know exactly where we're at with our clothes.

I hadn't thought about just worrying about the way things fit lol.

I think I do tend to obsess over numbers a lot... not just calories but weight, bmi, macros, dates, anything really.

Come to think of it I think I was looking at micronutrients last time when I started to get discouraged: "I will never be able to get enough protein AND potassium at this level of calorie intake!"

So maybe I should stay away from the numbers for a while...

terylmwiglet wrote: »

I read to the end! This will be tough, you’ll need to focus on your solid reason: your daughter and your quality of life. I’m not sure of your capabilities, but YouTube have free seated upper body exercise videos. Burning calories without having to use your legs 😃

Oh I will search for those! That could be a big help, thank you! And thanks for reading all that ... I was in a sad place last night lol.

88AViva wrote: »

Just make sure you stay under the daily cals and make daily movement a consistency.

I really like that phrasing "daily movement" ... I tend to get stuck thinking about exercise plans I can't complete correctly. I might aim for "daily movement" rather than "daily exercise"!

littlegreenparrot1

Happiness is about achievable goals. Don't try to change everything at once, it's overwhelming.

Maybe you could get your daughter involved a bit? It's a great thing to learn to cook, you could take it turns to find a recipe for something new that would work for you. Doesn't need to be fancy or expensive, a pot of soup can be very tasty and filling. Makes it a bit more entertaining.

I found it helpful to try and move away from the all or nothing mind set. This isn't something that starts or stops, it's not punishment, it's just life. So I try to eat food I consider to be nourishing, and not to much of it. Today I ate a couple of chocolate eggs (sucker for reduced Easter chocolate 😆) Meh, it's fine. It doesn't mean I have to drop everything for months like I might have in the past, it doesn't make me bad.

So my suggestion is to pick a small thing to change, or add, that you think will help. Make sure to do it every day. Couple of weeks later pick the next small thing, and so it goes...

I have no discipline, but am very good at being lazy and sticking to habits - so try to create helpful ones 😀

Cluelessmama1979

@littlegreenparrot1 my daughter does all the cooking, she's a lil aspiring chef lol! Maybe I will try to get her looking into some of the recipes shared around here!

" This isn't something that starts or stops, it's not punishment, it's just life."

Idk why that hit differently than the "don't diet, it's a way of life" stuff, but it did. Your phrasing feels a lot more... idk.. applicable, lol. Thank you for that, so much!

littlegreenparrot1

Cluelessmama1979 wrote: »

@littlegreenparrot1 my daughter does all the cooking, she's a lil aspiring chef lol! Maybe I will try to get her looking into some of the recipes shared around here!

" This isn't something that starts or stops, it's not punishment, it's just life."

Idk why that hit differently than the "don't diet, it's a way of life" stuff, but it did. Your phrasing feels a lot more... idk.. applicable, lol. Thank you for that, so much!

I'm glad it helped. Honestly I started doing much better when I stopped beating myself up about it and just focused on stuff I knew was better for me. I'm not on board with the whole guilt thing, but I know that eating whole packets of chocolate biscuits is not great for me, so try not to these days.

Excellent stuff with your daughter, cooking well on a budget is a great life skill.

AnnPT77

IMO, it's more productive to think about how to make the process easy and sustainable, rather than fast.

That implies manageable, satisfying ways of eating . . . that result in slightly fewer calories than we burn. (Anything below maintenance calories is loss.) That also implies - as you say - thinking about manageably, gradually increasing daily movement. Evolution, not revolution.

Ideally, we experiment, figure out ways to change our habits that don't just result in lower body weight, but that are congenial enough that we can continue those habits pretty close to on autopilot forever when Iife gets complicated . . . which it always seems to do, sooner or later. Weight management, for those of us who've been overweight for a long time, is not a weight loss project with an end date. Weight management is a lifelong thing. It's about finding new routine habits.

It's not essential or ideal for everyone, but I gave myself the guidance that I wasn't going to do anything to lose weight that I wasn't willing to continue forever, in order to stay at a healthy weight, except for that sensibly moderate calorie deficit. That put a premium on figuring out how to handle holidays, social events, etc., in reasonable ways, because I wasn't going to nibble on carrot sticks during those events forever. I wasn't going to give up desserts or other treats forever, so I needed to figure out how to moderate them. Not every tactic I tried worked. If a tactic didn't work, I needed to try a different one.

I was overweight to obese for around 30 years. I've been at a healthy weight now for 6+ years. For me, that approach worked well. Like I said, that may not be what everyone needs, but it worked for me.

I hear the concern and frustration in your words. I also see in your follow up posts that you're open to thinking about this in a different way. I think you can succeed. What hasn't worked? Why hasn't it worked? Learn from that. Read things in the "Success Stories" part of MFP, especially those from long-term maintainers. (Process wise, this thread is brilliant: https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10841733/at-goal-successfully-maintaining-so-why-am-i-doing-this-all-over-again/p1. It's from a woman who's been very successful with MFP, and the thread is about guiding her husband through weight loss - he's also now making amazing progress.)

Like I said, I think you can succeed. The very basic thing is to not give up. If a thing doesn't work for you, think about why it didn't work, try something else. I know it's hard. But patience and persistence yield huge results. Keep posting, keep going!

Cluelessmama1979

Still trying to figure that skill out myself lol

yirara

Do you brush your teeth in the morning? clean your home? These are all habits, and eating a half healthy diet in right amounts is just such a habit. Yes, it's difficult, but it can be learned slowly. A crash diet and losing all the weight as quickly as possibly doesn't create habits, but burdens. Start slow, try to find things that you might like and go on from there. Like a certain vegetable? Why not experiment with that. Rice? It's so common in so many countries. Look up recipes from all sorts of countries with rice. Etc.

ReenieHJ

@cluelessmama1979 You've gotten a lot of great advice already. But hey, there's always room for my .02 worth. Even if I repeat, which is most likely what I'm doing. My memory isn't what it used to be.

Anyways, I wish we were next door neighbors so we could help each other out! I've been where you are, repeatedly. I'm the world's classic yo-yo dieter. Read what everybody offers you and use what will fit you, your lifestyle, personality, etc.

Best thing you can do is enter your stats, log your calories in, your exercise, and your water every day. Start there. Make a list of foods you love(the healthier ones, no cheesecake allowed, not yet). Create very basic meals arounds those, whether they're salads, stir-fries, soups, plain protein and veggie dishes. Nobody says you have to make fancy meals. My menu is very basic. I make sure I have lots of the veggies and protein that I like. Sometimes my dinners consist of a huge salad with lots of veggies, and a can of tuna on top, using FF salad dressing. Takes awhile to eat and fills me up.

Keep it simple. Keep it easy. It's a lot easier for me if I keep all the temptations out of the house, for the most part. I'm a sweet tooth junkie so I simply don't buy that stuff(and no, I did not just buy myself a pint of Ben and Jerry's this morning but my plan is to moderate myself, we'll see how that works!). I'm not that person who can only take 2 cookies out of the package and be happy. I've found substitutes for things I used to eat, such as ice cream by the half gallons. I now use nonfat plain yogurt doctored up with a little bit of SF syrup.

Anyways, the first thing you have to change is your mindset. You have to care enough about yourself to want to make the changes your body deserves. And even though your dd is a normal weight, maybe if you talk with her, she'll be more than happy to be part of your get-healthy plan? Enlist her company if you want to walk for a few minutes. Take it easy, take it slow, it'll happen if you follow through more often than not.

Another thing to consider is finding something to get you through those moments when you're feeling weak and just want to eat eat eat. I have coffee, SF hot chocolate, chew gum. stick my head in a book, walk a bit, call someone, write someone a message, whatever it takes to get me through those few minutes that could make or break my day. Different things work for different people.

Wishing you a lot of luck in changing your mindset and habits. I know you can make these changes.
((HUGS))

Cluelessmama1979

@AnnPT77 thank you! I got some great ideas on the other thread you posted on my small movements post too, I think. I'll check out this one as well! I got some amazing insight into some of what I may have done wrong before, reading someone else's post last night. Now I need to figure out some fixes lol.

yirara wrote: »

Do you brush your teeth in the morning? clean your home?

Do I have to answer that?

Lol, kidding... sort of. But I do get your point. I think Just need to figure out how to implement the better habits ...

@ReenieHJ I think one of my problems is that I *will* binge on sweets... but if I have a specific craving (Mtn Dew, Doritos, and Mr. Goodbar candy bars are my addictions) and I don't have what I'm craving, I end up binging on literally anything until something hits that right note. I'll eat all the fresh veg I bought for the week, then every piece of chicken I made for meal prep, then a whole bag of shredded cheese... it's ridiculous.

So maybe finding substitutions that work should be a first step for me, lol.

I'm getting so many ideas here! I really appreciate all of them so much. Thank you all

wakegrrl

Mama, I've been there - we all have. I had my realization at the beginning of this year. I was the heaviest I've ever been. But like you, I've lost it before, and I know how to do it. It's just having the will to make it happen, and the realization that this isn't a diet - it's the way I eat right now.

I will repeat one thing - slow and steady wins the race.

The other thing I've found that really helps me is logging before I eat. If I make myself stop and log, it gives my brain time to catch up with my mouth (lol) and I can really think about why I want to eat.

Am I hungry and is it a good choice? Great.
Am I hungry and is it not a great choice? Depending on my calories for the day, and the amount, I may eat it or I may try to find another option.
Am I bored (which happens to me a lot)? Then there's something else I can do, even if it's going to another room to get a book (and not incidentally away from the kitchen).
Am I stressed (also happens a lot)? Do something else for 20 minutes (set a timer) and see if you still feel the same after some time has passed.

I also like Justin Agustin on YouTube (and TikTok). He has lots of great absolute beginner workouts that are largely seated and very gentle.

You can do this. For your daughter, but mostly for you.

Cluelessmama1979

I've always logged my food after I eat, so I don't forget ingredients I end up using, but logging ahead of time could be helpful for the reasons you gave.

I think I will start logging in advance, then after I eat check in case I forgot anything 😅

yirara

Cluelessmama1979 wrote: »

yirara wrote: »

Do you brush your teeth in the morning? clean your home?

Do I have to answer that?

Lol, kidding... sort of. But I do get your point. I think Just need to figure out how to implement the better habits ...

I get you! My home looks like a mess at the moment. *hugs* sometimes good intentions don't always work. It's probably best to accept it and try again.

Sparkuvu

@Cluelessmama1979 I was so inspired by you and your determined small movements chart, that I've been reading through threads you start. Are you striking it rich or what! You are really bringing out the very best in people and advice. I've got some of the best tips ever by reading through these. So thank you for reaching out, and thank you, all of you responders.