I'm the obese partner

DiscoveringDrea

I am obese, have been for years, all my life really. I have lost weight in the past (never enough) and then stopped what was working (I don't know why) and gained it all back and more. After two years working at home and barely moving I am at my heaviest ever - 350lbs at not quite 5'7".
My husband, even when younger and with a few extra pounds has always been someone looks were important to and as we aged he discovered fitness and disciple and is at a healthy weight, muscular and toned. Meanwhile I have slid into the realms of morbidly obese without much protest.
A few days ago I decided (again) that I need to change things. Not just my weight but to try and be healthier (deal with what may be some depression I am hiding and go see my doctor about some health issues/concerns I have been avoiding). I didn't say anything to my husband quite yet as I knew his comment would be along the lines of finally, or just don't stop this time, or something that he doesn't think is unkind but that I feel revulsion and contempt dripping from.
But then yesterday he texted me when we were both at work to tell me I need to do something about my weight. And so I spent way too many hours at work thinking about things and reading posts on thing like reddit from men who are revolted by their obese (or sometimes just overweight) partners and I read articles on talking to people about their weight and I was left with two big takeaways: 1. He probably feels as trapped and disgusted by my body as I do, and 2. When talking about someone's need to lose weight you should start with kind words or love.
And so after not talking yesterday we talked briefly in the car this morning and I acknowledged the yuck that is me but said I think we need to see a councilor to see if there is a marriage worth saving as I don't know that he loves me. And I pointed out that we can go a whole month without him initiating conversation and that last month when I voiced being sad and wanting a hug he didn't hug me - not for days - not even when I kept bringing it up in a semi kidding way like what's someone need to do to get a hug, or remember me asking for a hug, at least the kids hug me, that sort of thing. And no hug. And no nice words in I can't recall how long. So I told him I'm not sure he likes, loves, or enjoys me.
And he said he is burned out by my apathy about my weight and my not even trying or seeming to care and that weight loss isn't hard I just want to do it and of course he loves me but the weight is getting in the way and has been for a long time.
So I guess I'm wondering if there are people on here who have been on either side of this weight issue in a marriage and if they think this is something we could possible recover from or if we are doomed. Regardless of my size I wonder if we have hurt each other or disappointed each other too much. He is a good man. It has been almost 20 years of marriage, we don't fight, are raising wonderful loving and happy children and we respect each other but when I look into the future I don't know if we make each other happy or if we're just content to go through the motions. Thoughts?
(Sorry this is so long - I'm sure I lost most people but I'm thinking there may be a few who this hits home for who read this and can relate to one of us in this. Thank you)

Hiawassee88

There isn't enough dieting in the world that can fix any of this. This goes much deeper than food. No one can love you enough to force your hand to do anything. Food is powerful.

You have to be willing to turn around and take a good hard look at where you've been, what you're doing and where you're headed waaaay down the road.

Dieting. Has it changed anything for you then?

If dieting and even WLS, weight loss surgery fixed everything...it would take only one diet to solve all of our problems. It doesn't work that way. You're going to have to sit down with someone face-to-face and work through all of these problems. We can't force someone's hand in marriage because they'll resent us for it. We can't force someone to 'diet' to meet our physical expectations. We can't force someone to eat foods they loathe. Food influences everything in our life but mostly our quality of health.

Fear is contagious. So is anger and reacting instead of responding. Any combination or all of these things are a direct reflection of some deep-seated issues that have never been dealt with. You're at the crossroads. This is where the rubber meets the road. It's time to deal with this dynamic. You choose. You decide. You fight for your life or you give up.

We can't sit in a burning house. There comes a time when you have to rein in an out of control life and it begins with food. Food is powerful.

DaffyGirl88

@DiscoveringDrea sending you a virtual hug. 🤗 I think it can be saved. Perhaps sending a text wasn't the best way for him to approach the subject, but it's out there now. In the future I would also suggest that rather than reddit articles you read some of the threads here on MFP in the Success Stories or Motivation forums. Finding people who have worked through similar issues and succeeded can be very comforting. I wish you the best of luck and much success on your journey.n

LaBellaHarris

So, I'm in the process of reading The Secret Lives of Wives, and this is a topic that comes up. I'm not the obese partner in my marriage, but I am still in the same boat as you with the not-talking and the "but hey do you still even like me at this point??" feeling. And everything I've heard from other women who have stayed married and everything I've read from psychologists and relationship counselors boil down to the same thing: If you want to stay married, you need to find your own happiness and joy, and not expect it to come only from your marriage/spouse. If you're disgusted by your own body then that's something you have to work on yourself before you can tackle whether or not your husband is still attracted to you. Because even if you lose the weight, you can still be be too insecure to initiate that hug yourself ("hey, I need a hug right now, can I hug you?" is a hard thing to say, I know, but it's the route I go, and no matter how lukewarm the response might be I just move in and hug! Physical contact promotes endorphin release! Fake it 'til you make it, baby!!).

What kinds of creative things are you doing with your time on your own? What are your passions? Reignite those (getting back into fun hobbies or sports is also a great conversation piece, if you're struggling to find something to say, and fun things are more motivating). Apparently, happy people are sexy, not the other way around.

DiscoveringDrea

Thank you. All of you. And yes Washboard12, I think I have been sitting in my burning house.

To the other points I do want to say I've gotten my hugs by initiating them but I was trying to say I need something other than our combined parenting and paychecks from you. Hell, we even still have sex regularly enough. But to the point of finding our own joy, I think that is where I wonder about the marriage. I have started doing things for me without him, which is great and fun. But I'm not sure what we have and I guess I don't know if fit me would be anymore fulfilled with him than fat me is. I know he would love me more but I don't know if we would really enjoy each other anymore. I think I have excused his flaws or our disconnects because my flaw has trumped all and I'm no longer sure that it does.

So yes, I need to do something about my weight and that includes seeing a doctor and likely a therapist to talk about why I allowed myself to get here and all sorts of pent up crap, in addition to reducing my food consumption to more healthy quantities and moving my body while I am still able to. I just don't know if weight loss will help with my lack of marital bliss. I guess we will see. I have been content to be uncontent for a long time, I guess I can give this a year, work on myself and see if at the end of the year I think our marriage is worth fighting for. (Fat or healthy I would be the one to end it - he isn't so inclined).

IAmTheGlue

“He’s a good man.” No he’s not… girl.. come on now. In what world is a man who doesn’t speak to his wife, his life partner, the mother of his children for a month at a time, refuse even the most basic amount of human contact, say “you need to do something about your weight” dripping with contempt, disgust…amount to a good man?!? Absolutely not… that’s a not a good man and that’s certainly not a good husband.

Um…. You absolutely, 100% are deserving of love, affection, mind blowing sex with a partner who values and respects you. You should know… KNOW the one person in this world who has your back is your husband.

I would be making an exit plan. I’m so angry for you.

Work on your weight FOR YOU, for your own health and your own aesthetics … not for affection, not to meet someone else’s physical ideals…

LiveOnceBeHappy

You don't mention the words he used to mention your weight. You say he is is revolted by your body size and you aren't sure the marriage can be saved. Did he say those things or did you decide that he is revolted and doesn't want to be married to someone your size? Are you putting words in his mouth that he didn't say? If he didn't say those words, then maybe he just loves you so much that he wants you to be around a long time. I spoke with my husband a few days ago about cutting back on his Tylenol usage because I'm concerned about his liver working until he's 90. I want to have many adventures with him as we grow older because I love him. So, maybe your husband loves you and wants you around? I think you need to see a counselor to figure this out.

emmamcgarity

Weight loss is simple but it’s hard at the same time. It’s very hard actually. From a logical standpoint- eat less and move more. But it is so much more complex than that. The psychological relationship we have with food is complicated.

Separate your own feeling from your husband’s for a moment. Do you personally want to lose weight? It sounds like you do. But you also have a long journey ahead of you. And there will be missteps along the way. Forgive yourself for any wrong steps.

As for your husband, it’s not unusual for partners to communicate differently. It’s unclear from your post if he was unkind vs. verbally abusive. I can’t tell what perspective he is coming from based on your assessment. I can’t tell if he complaining about your weight vs genuinely wanting you to be healthier for your own well being. My personal preference is to give people the benefit of doubt.

I genuinely wish you the best on this journey

MaggieGirl135

@DiscoveringDrea I think you’re on the right track of moving towards greater health by going to see your doctor and starting to see a counselor. May I recommend seeing a counselor for individual sessions regardless if your husband is willing to see a marriage counselor with you. If you do get marriage counseling with him, please obtain a different counselor than your own. I wish you the best.

romanaXOX

I’m also the overweight partner in my relationship. Since we have been together I have gained 80lbs. He’s always been naturally slim and could eat whatever he wanted. He loves sports and has a physical job. Being slim and athletic comes completely effortlessly to him. Last night at 10pm he decided he wanted a Dairy Queen blizzard and so he went out and got a large ice cream and ate it while I had cucumber slices. We recently had the “he’s not as attracted to me because of my weight” discussion too. And honestly I’m not attracted to myself because of my weight gain either so I guess I don’t blame him.
When we first had the conversation I was mad. There’s all this talk in the world about body acceptance and loving people at every size blah blah blah. But apparently it doesn’t apply to me. And he eats whatever the hell he wants whenever he wants and isn’t chained to a desk all day. He thinks it’s so easy and something i just can’t seem to bother to do and not that this has been an internal-fight I’ve been losing every day. I was having a pretty solid pity party.

But in the end after my initial shock that this was real and happening, I think this is maybe the push I needed. That obviously losing weight is incredibly hard and for whatever reason I’m incapable of doing it for myself. I wish “doing things for me” was enough of a motivation but clearly it’s not or I woulda done it by now. But I love my husband, and so maybe him being honest and having that tough conversation can be the motivation I need when I can’t do it for me. Ultimately losing the weight would be really good for me regardless of why I do it.

I want to believe both our marriages have a future. And I’m here for you if you want an accountability buddy or even just a virtual hug or a friend to hear you out about feeling like you’ve lost your inner vixen. ❤️

mikebujtas

This is a tough one. It's easy to see him as a jerk or as heartless, but without knowing either of you, I can also assume there's more going on here. In the course of any of your conversations with him about your weight, has he offered to help? Have you asked him for help? As a 53-year-old man, I can say that I'm much more invested in things like this if I'm asked to be part of the solution. If he wants you to lose weight, get in shape, be more conscious, etc. but doesn't want to be part of the solution, that's a big red flag in my opinion. Is he the type of man that feels empowered when asked for help? Is that a possibility for you guys? Having your life partner as your mentor and guide through something like this may do more than just help your physical health, maybe it can strengthen your marriage as well? Peace and best of luck to you, I hope this works out in your favor.

foggyfeather

Reading this breaks my heart. I'm not sure this is for everybody, but for me when I am gaining weight or heavier, it is a symptom of something else I have going on. Depression, anxiety, boredom... Its not just as simple as waking up and saying ok now I will loose weight. I have to deal with my underlying reasons that I over eat. Like another person said, I agree with, starting by getting some counseling to figure out what is really going on, and starting to work through some underlying feelings might help you. Your hubby will need to step up too. He is your partner and needs to help you with this. Weightloss is hard enough. Having moral support is super important. Someone to tell you, "You CAN DO THIS!!" And you know what I'll tell you, you can do this. Please reach out I'd love to talk more if you ever need. Xo

KimiAR

Counseling may be helpful for you as an individual and as a couple. The weight may or may not be a symptom of those problems you are having in your marriage. Are you trying to invest in your partner and his interests and working on mutual friendship between the two of you? Friendship takes work inside and outside of a marriage. I do not think that this is something you need to do on your own but I do notice that if I try to pay a little more attention to my husband as a person and a friend, he tends to respond in kind. -these thoughts are really based on the fact that it doesn’t seem like there is a lot of hostility between you two but maybe some ambivalence-which can happen when you’re both busy living life.
You can acknowledge that the weight is an issue without making your marriage dependent upon weight loss. Also agree w another comment that suggested Reddit was a bad idea. It can be good for some things and horrid for others. Don’t self destruct that way.

JoshNorris79

Your post made me sad. "I acknowleged the yuck that is me" is just about the most honest and sad thing I could think of. I have been there. It sounds like marital counseling would be good, as you both sound like you're not seeking to take care of the other person and put them above yourself.
I would recommend starting to log the calories, but also maybe even get into counseling yourself. You cannot control others, and if there's any way at all a relationship can be salvaged, I recommend doing it. Some people here seem to celebrate divorce but it is a wound that never fully heals.

Fuzzipeg

Discoveringdreams - I hope you are feeling better in yourself. I hope you have visited your doctor with a view to addressing your health concerns. I'm sure when you have the knowledge of what precisely is out of true you will feel easier, you will have a clearer view of what to do to help yourself.

If you can start doing things which bring you pleasure, gaining a feeling of satisfaction, something more than the repetitive round you have now, you will start to feel better in your self. You can start doing this before any treatment is possible to get in place. Its all to easy to loose yourself in the daily round of looking after children, the home, may be a job and the yard if you have one. Finding Joy, as mentioned above, is what you need. Reasons to be cheerful. We all change as we age, we loose the person we once were as a teenager, if you can start to discover the best bits of you, the sparkle we all had don't forget your self respect either and look to your achievements to date. You mention your children consider the support and guidance you give then and do the same for yourself. You will be on your way back to who you are really intended to be and your self respect will grow.

I've no idea where you live but getting out into nature is said to be good for us all. Even if its only the local park or a local wood, I love walking along green river sides. Breathing in fresh air, taking enjoyment watching the year turn as the plants complete their cycle and the wildlife gets on with things too. Take care of the inner you.

Who knows if your marriage will survive if you follow this path. Marriage is said to be for life but not if its costing you too much. Be brave, give yourself a break and be who you are, should be. Please don't identify as someone else's- mother, wife, daughter, sister or how ever you see yourself at present. Life starts with the first step, be brave and take it. Do what is right for you because what is right for you is right for your children. Your family will be thrilled to have you revitalised.

healingmysticmelody

Your “Person” helps you when you are sick. Your true partner understands that your sickness isn’t something outside of themselves and a problem with YOU, it is a problem with US. WE need help. Whatever my partner has been experiencing in life is causing a problem for US and we need to work together to heal US. Because if you love your best friend/soul friend and you know you have found the person you were meant to find, that your soul is overjoyed to find… then you do not want ANYTHING bad to happen to their health.

I could say so much more but I will sum it up by saying, get healthy, fit, gorgeous and happy for YOU so you can find YOUR person. And don’t you dare have sex with anyone who can’t honestly tell you that they think you are beautiful even though you are sick. They should also be asking, “What can I do to help?”

MaggieGirl135

@healingmysticmelody Wonderfully said!

Xellercin

First things first, you need your own very good counsellor.

There is so much to unpack here, there aren't simple answers that internet strangers can provide, only compassion, understanding, and encouragement.

You are suffering enormously, and you need support, and your partner cannot be that support for you for whatever his reasons are. You NEED to find appropriate supports for yourself.